"Damn it, this isn't the right time to get isekaied!"
CRASH!
...Annnnnnd I was dead (?). Truck-kun, you fucking suck.
Hahahahahahahahaha-
-No.
By anime logic, this is about the time for a super beautiful goddess to show up and give me a chance to reincarnate into a super cool fantasy world, with some super awesome cheat skill to go along with it.
...
...
Wait, I'm not really dead, right?
...
That didn't make sense. If I was dead how was I still thinking...?
But I obviously 'died' in my old world...ah shit, I'm already referring to Earth as my 'old world'. Back on topic. I mean, I got hit by a fucking truck driving at 60 kilometers an hour. Actually, that street had a speed limit of 80 km/hour, so that just raised my chances of being dead to a solid 300%.
...Yeah, I fucked up. Fantasies aren't real, and I'm really, really dead. As dead as Nishiki should've been in Episode 6 of Tokyo Ghoul Season 1. I mean, dude literally got stabbed in the chest like 50 times in a row. Even if you're a ghoul...that's some pretty high defense you got there. Or just typical plot armor, somehow mysteriously surviving a 300% death rate incident by screaming at the top of your lungs.
...Wait, does that mean I can survive this 300% death rate scenario by screaming at the top of my lungs?
...I don't have lungs. At least, I can't feel them. I can't feel anything, in fact. It was hella weird.
But the question comes again. If I was dead, then how the hell was I still thinking about bullshit plot armor? I couldn't see shit right now, and I don't smell anything either. I couldn't even feel anything. What was I, a blind ghost?
However, just as I was thinking about what kind of ridiculous creature I had become-
"O mine poor, poor, child. From wh're doth thee cometh?" a gentle female (?) voice asked, and a bright white light filled my surroundings.
"Uh...'SentFlyingByATruck™'?" I yelled, suddenly regaining control over my body and quickly shielding my eyes from the light. "Dammit, my eyes are bad enough! Don't make them worse!"
"Ah! My apologies. I will stop the light right away..." the girly voice said once more.
BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG.
"HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARCHAIC DIALECT?!"
"H-Huh?! O-Oh, right!" The girl (?) cleared her throat. "A-Ahem...mine sincere apologies. I has't did remove the lighteth, thee may behold now."
"Hmph! Much better. Now that's how a goddess should speak...huh?" I removed my hands from my eyes and blinked a couple of times to make sure what I was seeing was correct.
"Haha! Thee art impressed by mine own figure, art thee not?" the man before me said, in an extremely seductive pose.
Yes, I said MAN.
"DUUUUDE! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CROSS-DRESSING AS A GODDESS?!"
I screamed at the top of my lungs (which I could feel now, thankfully. Didn't get reincarnated into a slime or some shit like that one anime). And no, that didn't save me from this worse-than-300%-death-rate-scenario. Plot armor, you have greatly failed me!
"H-Huh? Thou aren't seduced by mine own lovely figure?"
"WTF! I don't know where your confidence comes from, but it's goddamn bigger than your huge man-tits!" I yelled. "When you get reincarnated, a hella beautiful goddess is supposed to greet you, not a fat sexually deviant old man!"
"H-Hey! That hurts my feelings! I AM a hella beautiful goddess!" the old geezer before me shot right back.
"YOUR EGO!" I couldn't take it anymore. "Okay, let's break it down in a way even your miniscule brain could understand," I said, and rolled up my sleeves (no, I was not naked, fortunately. I was in the same clothes I was wearing when I died, a black hoodie and black jeans).
I pushed up my glasses like a genius anime protagonist and spoke calmly, like a teacher. "Looks: 0/10. No explanation is necessary. Titties: -100/10, since you have huge-ass MAN-tits."
After some slight thought, I continued. "Ass: 0/10. I don't even want to see your ass. That would worsen my eyesight far more than any white light."
I took a deep breath. This was the most important part. "Finally, and also most importantly, your FEET. -10000000/10. THEY ARE DISGUSTING! WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT HAIR?!"
"WHHHAAAAT? YOU SAID FEET WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT?!!!" the 'goddess' widened her eyes in shock.
"THAT's the part you pay attention to?!!!"
"You have a feet fetish?!"
"Yes!"
"HUH?!"
"..."
"Y-You, you have-"
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I-I wasn't thinking straight....y-you're a 'goddess', right? C-can you, like, turn time back a few seconds, or at least completely forget what I said?"
I called him goddess to please him, since this was something more valuable than my life. I just told away my greatest secret and weakness!
The man then laughed evilly. "Hahahaha! I have your secret now, you think I'm going to throw it away so easily?! In your dreams!"
In my mind: How I wish this was just a dream!
In reality: "I'm sorry, beautiful goddess! I was wrong! I shall genuflect!" I said as I bent down on both knees and kowtowed the floor in a worshipping gesture.
"Haha, nope! Too late! You've made me REALLL mad by insulting me earlier!" the old geezer replied with an extremely smug look on his face. "As punishment, I shall send you away to another world, before allowing you to go to heaven and enjoying paradise!"
H-Hey, wait, he said...punishment, right?
...I'M SO GRATEFUL THIS ISN'T JUST A DREAM!
But obviously, I wasn't about to let him know I was secretly happy. Though he was a god, so he could probably tell what I was thinking...but let's not go there. I would cry if he suddenly changed his mind right about now.
I put up a sobbing expression of fear on my face, and spoke quietly. "A-Another...world?"
"Innndeed! Have fun risking your life as an adventurer, where you are constantly living your life in fear, never knowing when you could die! Hahahahaha!"
"Nooooo!" I cried. But now it was time for the main point. "...You are right. I deserve this punishment for insulting your holiness. But as a token of my regret...at least I will get a cheat skill...right?"
The old man cackled. "But of course. Your apology seemed sincere, so I will grant you a cheat skill to help you somewhat."
I secretly snickered. He had walked right into my trap. "So...what exactly is my cheat skill?" I asked, unable to contain my excitement any longer.
"Oh, it's an auto-translator."
...
"Oh, awesome! With this, I'll be able to conquer-WAIT, WHAT?!" I shrieked. "H-HANG ON YOU DAMNED GODDESS!"
"Have a nice life!"
And everything went black.