Pan POV
I thought my decisions were all irrevocable, but unexpected situations rift away my firmness. I can be indecisive sometimes after I reconsider things carefully. It can be a disadvantage and I thought I could stand firmly with my words to Nee.
Yes, I don't want to transfer... at that time. Now, I wanted to. My reasons are quite sensible this time though according to PP, "illogical and stupid". Sometimes out of self-centeredness and hasty conclusion, I pulled everything that I had said and pushed another decision.
Hear me out. These are my logical reasons:
First, I found out that two Professors from the Psychology Department will retire next semester. They are both excellent in the field of Cognitive and Developmental Psychology and in subjects related to Personality. I was planning to ask one of them as my thesis advisor when I will have my research. Our department lost 2 superior faculty members. So I felt disappointed though it wasn't the department's fault.
Second, the university does not offer graduate classes for undergraduates like me. I really wanted to take graduate classes in my second year and earn extra credits for it. Surprisingly, Nee's university allows undergrads to take graduate classes.
Third, my "I-don't-wanna-live-alone" Principle. Papa and Mama needed to have check-ups at a clinic in the city where Nee currently lives. They are usually away for a week or two for the check-up. That means I will be alone for weeks in the house. I need Mama's exquisite cooking skills. I need Papa to drive me to school. This sounds childish but he drives me to school occasionally. I know how to cook but my grandmother's cooking is of a Master Chef. I know how to ride a mountain bike, but not a motorcycle. Nee has a motorbike gently sleeping in our garage.
On the other hand, an on-campus dormitory isn't an option. A dormitory for 2 weeks is a waste of money. Living with PP's family is fine but I still want to live with my grandparents. I can, but provided that PP's parents can pretend like Papa and Mama for two weeks. 😁
Fourth, this is actually the most illogical among the reasons I mentioned. I found out my supreme crush, Claude had a girlfriend. It made me so down and depressed. He is happy. I was devastated. It's like I failed all of my major exams, submitted 10 reading assignments each has 50 pages without extensions, and chopped my heart into pieces for an experiment without knowing I could use a pig' s heart as a specimen. 😭
Another thing that potentially pushed me to change my unchangeable mind was when I heard Claude talk to his 'not-so-pretty' girlfriend about his view on gays.
"I don't like gays. Neither befriend nor talk to them 😈 !"
He uttered one of the worst beliefs in history about gays next to the remarks of a politician that "homosexuality is "a part of Satan" and by an activist claiming "homosexuality is a mental disorder". I think their strong cultural and conservative beliefs limit their very understanding. 'We' should be respected because we are born this way.
And the numbers became curses. 😤
Romantic Poems became elegies. 😭
Dimples became facial defects. 👹
Never fall for a man with dimples on his face.
I condemned Claude about that. I'm afraid that my family would do the same thing when they find out (I know they already). And I will end up in the bars of a Conversion Camp. My family's unacceptance would be more excruciating than what Claude had done to me.
I know it is very unreasonable for me to transfer just because the most handsome man for me had a girlfriend and he just bore the unfriendliest remark that is equally unacceptable and homophobic.
"I don't like gays. Neither befriend nor talk to them!"
This quote is very unbearable. Having GF is fine, but the sound of 'neither befriend nor talk to them!'🤬😡 is a hate crime.
I hate him. I was discouraged. Happy for him. Not for his justifiable belief!
So, I called Nee and told him I am processing my transfer documents. Of course, his reaction reached the heavens. The last time we talk about this, I unwaveringly insisted I will not. Now, suddenly, I told him that I requested the registrar's office to expedite the process so that I could start next semester.
He just said..."I guess I know the reason!".
I didn't understand him. The same way I didn't understand why Claude said that.
Oh, My Gee! Crushes, on my sight, are the most angelic beings in the world. But I didn't notice they brought hammers with them. They ensnare you with their looks then without telling, they will Crush 🔨🔨 your heart into pieces. The word is the meaning itself!!!
My Professor is right when he said "Face cannot always tell something about a person's true self. It's very complex. What we see is just the tip of the huge iceberg floating with one-seventh of its bulk above water. Thanks, cigar-loving Freud!
...Your crush is an angel in white long sleeves
but sometimes a devil and a peeve
You'll never know him in the eye
Nor know him on his smile
Hear him say a word from his lips
And the truth will loosen your grip
You try to think it was a joke
Yet it stings as the words begin to poke
Your heart, your senses, your feelings and thoughts
Why?
He shouldn't have said "neither befriend nor talk"
The world would never make me act foolish,
Oh! I was stupid!
I praised a walking piece of sh**.
😭