It was a winter evening, there were only the two of us, in a snowy park marked only by our steps.

There were only the two of us, and that was enough for me. My greatest desire was there, very present to make my heart beat which told me that all this was real, and that I had what to smile, and at the same time what to cry.

A gentle silence. A silence that says it all, without a word. Silently. Or at least, without outside noise. Because inside of me, everything is agitated, everything is in disorder and in panic. I feel both light and heavy. Happiness and fear. I had the feeling that at any moment I could have been in heaven, and at the same time in hell according to the situation, the answer to my confession. I knew that whatever happened, you always had to express what you feel, for the risk of regretting it forever.

There are secrets that we want to keep indefinitely, that we would like to hide deep inside our head and never share, that we are the only one to know as if it were something precious, that we wanted to protect. Sometimes we have to sacrifice something when we have such a heavy secret, either we say it out loud, at the risk of losing everything but also winning everything, or we close our eyes to it, wanting to forget what makes us obsessed, even to end up sad all his life, but not destroyed. Tonight I was faced with a dilemma. THIS dilemma, between mystery and sadness, joy or destruction. I dared not look at him. We dared not look at each other. We both knew this very well. He was the one I watched day and night, the one that occupied my mind when I had to stay focused, the one I fantasized about, the one I counted on the most, the one I trusted the most in this world, he was MY world for several years now.

I always liked spending time with him, because he always was mature and kind, he wasn't like those kids who harass or take drugs to act like adults, he wasn't looking to attract attention, he wasn't really discreet, but rather... Natural.If he stood out, it was only because of his personality, his natural charm. He was adult in his way of being, of thinking, and of reflecting.

I could have lost myself in his eyes as he spoke, everything he told me was sincere, everything could be read in his eyes and I always took great pleasure in observing him closely during our discussions. He's the type of man to smile at you no matter what, to always support you despite the situation isn't be to his advantage, to always motivate you when he's tired himself, to always bring you your lunch when you have forget yours... He always had a big heart with everyone, but especially with me.

Basically it was obvious, we said we were best friends but we knew it very well. I always had this love at first sight for him since the first time I met him, and he had noticed me a dozen times losing myself in his eyes, stumbling because my attention was riveted on him to then quickly look away and take my feet in my laces, or when we were talking about a romantic experience and I laughed like an idiot saying that I had always been single and that of course, I didn't had no view of anyone... If we can say that "anyone" is in reality "him". Yes I lied to him I don't know how many times to avoid telling him the truth.

This truth that haunts me every night, when I tell myself that I could maybe end up with him and be happy, walk by his side telling us nonsense and holding each other's hands like young lovers, going on dates, meet up, eat burgers at the restaurant or watch a good movie at the cinema, snuggling against each other discreetly in the darkness of the room...

I had so many thoughts like this thinking of this man, nice and warm thoughts...

But also at the worst, like refusal, mockery, discomfort, disgust coming from him... I'm still so afraid to face him face to face, to tell him everything, to tremble, to speak quickly, to have the heart exploding inside of me and just getting hurtful words back, words that will make me cry, that will bring me back down to Earth in two seconds.

Words that will hurt me and that will leave indelible marks, words that maybe even, would ruin all these years of friendship between us, all these efforts for nothing in the end.

Yes, I know all that, I have always known it. But what did I have to gain from watching this fallen snow while my best friend, my crush, was there by my side once more ? While my heart was racing, when my luck might never come again ? What if he find someone before I had this chance to confess ? My heart, my soul, my vision of life and of love, of friendship itself, nothing in me could come out unscathed. I was scared, yes I was scared. Afraid of being rejected, afraid of being laughed at, afraid of being seen as a monster or a pervert, afraid of losing him, afraid of losing myself in this suffering.

Yes it was the moment, yes I had to, it was my chance. It was my day, my evening.

I bowed my head dejected, I dared not face him, not tonight. My legs were shaking, my heart wanted to escape from my body, my voice went out and my vocal cords got tangled, my cheeks were burning hotter than a summer sun, tears were prepared in advance, my hands were meeting and my fingers played between them and intertwined, my whole nervous system was in alarm in this intense moment which was going to be able to change everything.

No matter what the answer, after so many years I had to know if I had a chance, if I could be someone really important to him. I needed to clear everything up to put an end to all these questions that have lasted for these long, interminable years.

So after being in this panic I looked at him. Yes I looked at him for a moment, just enough time to remember what I liked about him...

Everything.

Before finally confessing...

Everything.

It lasted a moment. For a moment that seemed to last for hours, my words mingled with each other, my thoughts were blurring and my desire to hear his answer became the thing I wanted the least to hear, both speaking as quickly as possible to conclude this confession in a flash, but also long enough to never let him answer me, secretly hoping that I was dreaming, that he was lost in his own thoughts or that he took it all for a joke, whatever. I just wanted to express myself, finish, run away and never go back to class and see him. Why five minutes ago I wanted so much to know his answer and now I want to flee at the most decisive moment ?

So many sentences were coming out of my mouth, I don't really know what I was saying, I forgot. I said whatever came to mind, as soon as I explained a reason for this love, I couldn't help finding a "valid" excuse, as if I justify myself that he had to believe me, that he had to listen to me enough to better understand and swallow the pill better, like saying all that was going to make his answer less bitter, less cold, less heartbreaking.

I thought I was going to die, either from cardiac arrest, or from lack of air because I spoke so fast, or from cold or fear, I don't really know what I felt most in all these mixed emotions, but it was nothing pleasant, I was even nauseated, I had never known such a fright for so little, it was only a declaration, shit ! A lot of younger kids could have done it without a problem, so why was I feeling all this ? Does every first time happen so tragically ? Did some get sick from it, die ?

At the end of my speech I was out of breath, even sweaty, my voice broken by the strangulation of my tears that I swallowed deep in my throat to not appear too sensitive, I was surely already a fag to his eyes so adding more would have been too much for me. I was far from the clichés of virile men who confess confidently, getting closer and closer to their prey to then devour them with a carnal kiss before enjoying their feat by going to dinner and sleep together in a hotel, where their love would explode into confetti and champagne.

No, actually I wasn't like that. I was gay. Making a confession is so much trickier when you love another man, because you're not longer seen as the image of the perfect man who takes care of a woman, but rather as that of a desperate man who tries his luck with someone of the same sex to not longer be alone and lose his virginity. I never thought that way with him, but if anyone heard me he would believe I'm insane, a sick man who would take anyone for his own pleasure. I really like. I love him for his protective and gentle nature which makes me forget all my complexes, like that one of being homosexual.

Our eyes met for a second before I looked at the floor again, refusing to admit the emotions I let slip under a too powerful love drive to be able to keep them a secret any longer. Everything in me was twisting, and the time to wait for her answer was way too long for me, the seconds seemed never to pass, and finally her mouth opened after a moment of hesitation.

«You finally admit it.»

It was all I could hear coming out from his lips at this precise moment. I looked up at him, lost and surprised that he was only telling me that. I had just made a love confession to him, as a homosexual boy, shit ! So why... ? Is it because he's always been kind with me, because he wanted to keep giving me attention when he was certainly uncomfortable without showing it ?

Understanding nothing of this sentence, neither his meaning nor his value I was content to stare at him like an idiot for a few seconds, waiting for him to say something else, my legs shaking, the cold freezing me in place as my mind was still confused.

«I knew it from the first time we talked about love.

You've been so easy to decipher for years.

You tremble like a leaf when you are touched, except if it's with me.

And you smile like a fool, too happy for just a snack.

Sometimes you even look like you're about to cry, and when I pat you on the shoulder you feel better in one second.»

I continued to watch him attentively, trying as best I could to stay focused on his words, words that I wasn't sure I had listened to well and which nevertheless had captivated me, no longer trembling anymore, I remained standing face to him, to listen to him with wide uncertain eyes.

He took my hands to make me walk over to the bench we were sitting on, looked me in the eye and made me do the same with his. A discomfort was present in my gaze, their being certain, filled with determination that I more or less managed to decipher without a word, without any sound coming out of his mouth that I had secretly desired for days and nights. I used to watch him carefully without shame, I could make gaze battles with him for long seconds and sometimes make him uncomfortable or embarrassed, today I couldn't. I felt his warm hand lift my chin as I tried to escape him, but he was insistent.

He was smiling at me, he was smiling at me like he had never done before, it wasn't like all these forced smiles that he gave to the rest of the world to remain polite and pleasant, to try to remove a little bit of the grief from some peoples and give them a touch of happiness for a short time. No, it was a warm smile, even more than that... A crazy, loving smile of a man who fell in love.

In love... Really ? Was I really reading the feeling of Love in his eyes ? Love for a man, for a young guy, for a taciturn kid who is none other than myself ? Was his response to my fucked up confession's positive ? Wasn't I dreaming, wasn't I sick ?

Looking lost and ridiculous I blushed softly as he couldn't hold back a slight laugh before looking at me more seriously, still more determined face to the situation, he hugged me and I could feel a strong heartbeat, I couldn't tell which of us was so excited at this time, but I wasn't really paying attention and just hugged him back against my chest.

Our embrace lasted for several silent but emotional minutes, we reluctantly pulled away and our eyes met once more before I let a tear escape me. It was like a dream that finally came true after so much waiting, like my gesture of this evening which was my greatest fear a few minutes ago had just been rewarded, offering me the most beautiful gift, the best winter of my life.

Love.

The snow was already covering our steps, those of uncertainty, fear, lies, to give way to those of the future and confidence, the freedom that tomorrow had to offer us.

From now on we would be together daily. Everyday. Always together, always in happiness, in soft sleeps and dreams come true. Far from nightmares and fear, far from clichés. Always stronger together, ready to do anything to fight in this homophobic world without looking down.

«...Me too, I love you.»