Kabanata 27
Jealous
Ang mga nangyayari sa akin nitong mga nakaraang linggo ay mas lalong nagpalabas nang curiosity ko. Di paman tapos ang pag-scan sa gamit ko ay tumayo at umalis na sina Alec. The moment when Alec left with the girl gave me a pang of pain.
All this time, hindi ko kayang aminin sa sarili ang nararamdaman. Pero ngayon, aaminin ko man o hindi, seeing Alec with someone else's hurts me so much. In this kind of situation, I always reminded myself that I am strong. I don't need someone in my life. I can stand alone, I don't need a man, because at the end of the day, masasaktan lang ako.
Kahit alam ko 'yon, alam ko ring 'di natuturuan at napipilit ang sarili. Lalo na sa taong gusto at ayaw mo. Ng puso mo. Now I understand why when I was a student pilot, our instructor always remind us that we should catch flights, not the feelings. It was so hard to catch feelings, mostly, that person catches someone too. We're just like dominoes, I fall for him and he fall for someone else.
Pagod na humilata ako sa kama dahil sa pagod na nararamdaman. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Agad akong tumawag kay Tita Analea to tell her that I'm already in Canada, safe and sound. Though, sometimes, napaparanoid ako while I'm in plane earlier. Pag may marinig lang akong na kaunting ingay, my ears would alert me, agad-agad, kahit pa dahil lang 'yon sa mga cabin crews o ibang pasahero.
I really want to contact my family, but there is something that stops me from doing it. I still need to confirm everything. I will fix everything first bago ko kausapin ang pamilya ko. It may be sound so selfish, but it's for our safety. For their safety. Dahil kung tama man ang hinala kong hindi disgrasya ang nangyaring plane crash ng eroplanong pinapalipad ko, I'll make sure that someone will pay for it! At any cost.
I spend my night in reading the articles four months ago. All about the plane crash. It was the third time that Queen's International Airline was involved in such big problem. The first was the plane that crashed in Scotland. The second was the plane maneuvered by Adriel in France. And the third was the plane I maneuvered. Is it a coincidence, or just really an accident?
'Plane A330 flight to New Jersey that maneuvered by the Pilot Captain Maisha Arachne Granada, crashed in Southbound to Philadelphia due to area of weather. The said pilot captain reported died with the 638 passengers and crews. The co-pilot, which is Captain Alec Castriel Lazer was found and rescued floating in the sea. Thankfully, he is alive.'
I was reported died and not missing. That means, my family accepted already that I was dead. I am not missing.
Alam ni Alec na buhay ako. He even sent me a letter about their nuptial. But why he didn't do anything?
Mas lalong gumulo ang isipan ko dahil sa mga nabasa, nakita at nangyari ngayong araw. It reminds me of my struggle days way back then.
Ilang beses na ba akong muntik ng mamatay dahil sa pinasok kong trabaho. When I'm still in training, all of the risky things and activities nagawa ko na. Jump on a flying plane as a part of being a pilot, I already did it. With a heartbeat. At lahat ng mga 'yon ay 'di ko sinabi sa pamilya ko. I don't want them to be worried.
Pero alam ko rin naman na alam nila ang mga delikadong training. My father was a retired commercial pilot. And my mother works in an airline.
I don't know if I'm thankful and feel relieved about it, knowing that my family would not hope that I'm still alive. But a part of me is saying that I'm thankful for it. Even if it hurts me so much.
This is the moment that I felt jealousy on everything. To the wind, to the night, to the rain. It's closer than his shadow. It's closer to them, to him. It's closer to Adriel. I always wanted to be with him, but now, all I ever do, is to get jealous of everything. I don't have anyone now. Just a memories about him and my family.
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