Till death we part.
One of the most powerful and important vows we take during a marriage. Till death we part. If we sit down for a moment and ponder upon this line, we realize that we are making a very powerful commitment. However, this line talks nothing about what comes after death. Death is fundamentally a full stop to life. Another way to look at it is as the destination that we travel to while making the journey of life. Is it really any of these things? Unfortunately, we do not have a testimony to confirm any claim of what happens after death.
"After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." - Albus Dumbledore.
A quote that was perhaps a bit too deep for the first book of the Harry Potter saga, but nonetheless a gem among other quotations.
My vision was tinted red. My hands were covered in my own blood. Everyone was screaming. I was slowly drifting away from consciousness. I slowly collapsed to the floor. I didn't exactly feel pain and all I could think about was the irony.
Till death we part.
I woke up in the hospital. Now that you're all caught up with how my life had changed let's slowly transition into the last few weeks of my life shall we?
The doctor came into the room when I woke up to break the news to me. He let me know that I had been diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer.
It was practically a worse case scenario. The doctor said they would start chemotherapy soon but from the look on his face I knew I was a dead man.
I didn't know what to do. What was all this wealth worth when it couldn't give me the one thing I wanted more than anything right now. More time.
Had I died before I met Jewel I suppose it wouldn't have been this painful. But this, this was fate just spitting in my face.
They let Jewel come in a day later. Seeing the look on her face was more painful than any pain I was facing right now.
She was in pain, but she hid it well.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"So they're starting chemotherapy soon."
"We both know what's going to happen."
"No we don't."
"Jewel.."
"Don't."
"You don't know what I was going to say."
"I know exactly what you were going to say and I don't want to hear it."
"We have to face the facts."
"You're not dead Zavian!"
She screamed that and ran out of the room, hiding the tears rolling down her cheeks.
I just sat there. She wasn't going to listen. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to make this any easier for her.
Hera came in with my parents soon after. It was honestly a huge sob fest. They kept telling me I was going to make it and get through this but all of us knew I wasn't. This was simply the end.
Or was it?
Is death really the end? Maybe it's the start of something new? I don't know.
The next day, Jewel came in again. When she came, I was listening to Death Bed by Powfu.
"Even your music is dark and gloomy."
"Just like me."
"Shush up loser."
"As you wish my queen."
She laughed at that. I loved her laugh. I suppose that's what I would miss the most.
The worst thing you can think of about death is how it will affect the people you love. The fact that I won't be able to be there to wipe away their tears or lend my shoulder to them disturbed me deeply.
Jewel looked at me and saw that my mind was distracted.
"Hey, please don't go."
It broke my heart to see her like this. What broke my heart even more was the fact that I couldn't do anything to bring her out of this state.
"I'll always be with you."
"Stop being so cliche."
And that got me laughing.
A week had passed before I decided to write all this down. I wanted to write something before I - I left. I wanted someone to pick this up one day and maybe make better decisions in their life.
Now this may give you the idea I regretted something. I didn't. If I could relive my entire life again, there's no other way I'd do it.
Yesterday Jewel came in again. We were talking about old times.
"Remember when you and Gavin Hound were crowned senior prom king and queen? I wanted to ask you to prom that year but I could never muster up the courage."
"Well I bet you didn't know that I waited till the last minute to say yes to Gavin hoping you would ask."
"I'm sorry I didn't. Never really went to prom because I didn't want to go with anyone else either."
"You were always so scared."
"I was indeed."
We couldn't talk about much because my throat required rest. They were going to stop the chemotherapy because it wasn't showing any effect. We both knew at this point I was as good as dead.
"Hey Jewel?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me you'll live your life to the fullest. For the both of us. I want you to see things that I will never be able to see and experience every little joy this world has to offer. You'll always be my queen, the apple of my eye. I hope you remember this always."
"Stop being so dramatic Zavian."
"You didn't promise."
She wasn't happy about it, but she said
"Fine. I promise."
"Good."
We sat there for sometime before I slowly drifted off.
I woke up the next day and I had this feeling that today was the day. So I decided to wrap up this piece I've been writing. I don't know what an apt conclusion is to my story. I suppose I could tell you a few more things about death.
Death is what gives life meaning. A life with no end would have no meaning. What's the point of living forever? Everything would grow stagnant and pale. I saw that very clearly. The end is what gives a story a meaning and a purpose.
What was my purpose in life though? What mark did I leave on this earth? This question confuses and undermines so many of us. I think I've found an answer for it. Don't think about what big impact your life left. Think about the little things. That child you helped climb the stairs, that old man who you helped cross the street. In essence, the people who experienced small amounts or large amounts of joy from an action taken by you. That's what your mark on the world is. When you look at each one closely, it may not be much, but when you take a step back and appreciate the whole picture, it's a beautiful masterpiece.
As I'm writing this I can feel my consciousness drifting away. The end is approaching and I don't know how much more I can squeeze out.
One last thing. This one isn't anything philosophical. It's a note to the one who made my life worth living.
Jewel, I know you'll be the first one to read this. I hope you remember the promise you made to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one you get to share your life with. Life is cruel sometimes in that regard. But know this, you're the one who made this life of mine one that was filled with magic and beauty. Your smile will forever be my favorite sight to see. I hope that one day, you'll be able to tell me everything you experienced in this world and you do that with the same humor and wit that I admire in you with all my heart. Jewel, mon amour, you've given me happiness beyond what I knew I could feel. I hope I was able to do the same for you. Get out there and experience the joys life has to offer. Know that I'll always be a part of you, wherever you go, whatever you do and you'll always be my everything. I'm sorry we weren't meant to be, but I have loved every moment I have spent in your presence. You're my Disney princess and my happily ever after. Thanks for all the memories.
Yours, always
Zavian.