After spending the rest of the day getting my arm healed, night had already enveloped the night sky. I finished my meal and headed to my room.
There was a sign on the door saying 'Zeke' so I knew I wasn't accidentally walking in on someone else. Slowly I opened the door, and unsurprisingly the room was simple. However, it made me feel somewhat happy not being in cramped, muddy camps.
I collapsed onto my bed, the mattress cushioning my fall. Why do I feel so happy? I don't remember the last time I was happy. There must've been something I enjoyed doing in the military, surely.
Flashbacks of senseless bloodshed and the cries of men infused with false hope invaded my mind, dampening my mood. The squelching of mud as thousands of people, pawns in the eyes of the nobility, marched to their dooms.
And what for? Can violence be justified? Does subjecting people to the abject horrors of the world justify the urge for greed? If I think about it, aren't all sides engaged in conflict technically fighting for a "right" cause?
For example, one side believes chaos is the only way for peace because they are taught that is the only way. Another side believes diplomacy is better than bloodshed and forfeit their lives for this cause because that is what they are taught. Both sides, as long as they follow their beliefs, are fighting for their own "right" cause.
What if someone was able to establish control over the entire world? If they ruled through fear and nonsensical violence, this would lead to uprisings and rebellions. If they ruled by preaching peace, there would be people not so easily swayed by words, causing inevitable rifts of darkness.
Therefore, the conclusion is that mankind's nature is that of a balance of good and evil, light and dark. If one were to disappear then it would cause an upset in the balance of the soul.
So maybe this violence I see as nonsensical and selfish is necessary to fuel mankind's deepest, darkest desires. Maybe if these primal desires are not fed then they eventually devour us. I think hard most days about whether violence is necessary but I still can't come to a conclusion.
In a decisive moment, will I be able to forge a resolve? A resolve that affects my actions and thinking in a positive way? Or will my resolve be tainted by a hatred for the world? In a way I just wish everything could be peaceful but there's this urge for blood that I am only witness to in war. I'm scared of it taking control. Scared of the consequences.
I avoided killing anyone in the battle that Mira saved me from, which was my first deployment, but I fear, in the future, I will have to extinguish someone's life. Another human being. This leads me to worry about if I did anything in the past.
I think that's enough thinking for tonight, I thought as I tucked myself in bed. Closing my eyes, I made myself vulnerable to the nightmares that plague me each night. It's always of destruction, chaos and shattered hope. My nightmares are always different, exposing me to different horrors of my fragmented mind.
Morning broke through my shackle of nightmares, and I awoke, drenched in sweat. I got changed and headed into the dining room where everyone was hurriedly eating. They all seemed to be armed to the teeth and I had to wonder if the bread had killed someone since they bit into it with such fury that an angry drunkard would be scared.
"G-Good morning everyone!" I said, slightly intimidated.
"Holo Zek, howasch yer schleep? (Hello Zeke, how was your sleep?)" Mira asked, wolfing down the poor bread mercilessly.
"Same old, same old. I forgot to ask but what is this 'odd' job you're going on?" I asked.
"Killing a dragon. Not the one we're looking for but the villagers are terrified of it, so we're going to get rid of it." Kassandra came in, handing me my bread and water.
"I thought dragons were extinct and also why are you looking for something as dangerous as one?" I paused and realised I'd forgotten my manners, "Thanks for the bread as well."
"Most monsters went extinct in the holy war half a millennium ago, but a handful survived and are now living in the shadows of the world. It isn't common knowledge that they survived so couple that with your memory loss and that's probably why you thought they didn't exist." Mira explained.
"And to answer your second question, we're hunting a flame dragon that slaughtered my entire village a few years ago." Ronan answered.
Ah crap! Touchy subject.
"I'm sorry about your village." I sympathised with him.
"What are you sorry for? You didn't do it. I don't need pity from an amnesiac so keep it to yourself."
"I'm sorry."
"Like I said you don't need to say sorry."
It slipped out, "I'm sorry."
Ronan did an impressive jump over the table and slapped me in the face hard. How can a small boy generate that much power into a slap? I pondered this for a few seconds.
"STOP SAYING SORRY!" Ronan panted hard out of frustration.
Suddenly Ronan was dragged back across the table by Mira who gave him a scolding. They bickered for a while until Mikel walked in to break it up. He pointed at me and shouted, "To the classroom, we must go!"
Why does he sound more different than usual? Like a more high-pitched voice. Also, this place has a classroom!?
"Can I at least say goodbye to everyone?"
"No time. Every minute is precious, so we need to go now." Mikel stomped over to me, grabbed my collar and started dragging me away.
I'm not going to lie, there might have been undignified screeches of help on my part but those calls fell on ignorant ears as the group just laughed at me. After a couple of minutes of resistance, I gave up and ended up in a classroom that could fit at least twenty people.
"Before we start, I will introduce myself." Mikel shouted.
"Why do need to introduce yourself, we literally met yesterday?"
"I will tolerate no disturbances in my class!" Mikel flicked his wrist, and I was slapped with a ruler across the back of knuckles. It hurt more than any other pain I'd felt. It was only a ruler but it has so much destructive force. I'll take this into consideration for future fights.
"My name is Miss Michelle Craven."
"Wait! You're a woman!?" My surprise overtook me, and I was hit with a ruler again.
"Welcome to today's class. Today we will be learning the theory of magic and determine your preferred element. Any questions?"
I raised my hand and was instantly whacked with the ruler.
"Good, no questions. Now listen carefully to today's lesson otherwise, if you miss any important details then it may cost you your life in the future. First thing I need to know is can you read and write?"
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I should know how to but... So is Michelle, Mikel? Or are they different people? For now, I should probably just use the female pronouns for her/him just, so I don't get hit with that bloody ruler.
"I'm not entirely sure Miss-" I was immediately slammed in the stomach by the ruler. What did I say wrong this time?
"It's a yes or no question." She seemed to be oozing pure hatred.
"Yes!" I blurted out. I hope I actually can.
"Ok! So first we'll begin with how magic works. To utilise mana, a blood pact must be made with a God through a blood-letting ritual. After this, special tunnels within your body called mana veins open up thus generating mana. The type of magic you can use is purely up to which God you form a pact with. You can only make a blood pact with a maximum of three Gods. Otherwise, a process called smite happens where you implode."
"Did you just say implode!?"
"I didn't stutter, did I? Anyway, to use this mana now being generated inside your body you must know the name of any spell you wish to use. There are two different ways to use this mana. The first being instant call where, as the name implies, you shout the name of the spell and it immediately happens. However, this is at the cost of a much weaker output.
To make a spell more powerful, a full incantation can be chanted to make the spell up to ten times more powerful than its instant call form. The downside to using the incantation is both time used and if it's interrupted, it could cause damage to oneself. The damage inflicted when interrupted ranges from tier to tier."
"So it's more efficient to use instant call but in some circumstances, a full incantation would be necessarily to increase its effectiveness?"
"Precisely! You catch on quick. You have to note though, that mana is attuned to one's endurance so low endurance means low mana whilst high endurance means high mana. Mana regenerates passively but if you meditate for an hour then you can usually recover most of it back but obviously if you're in bad shape then you won't be able to use much mana."
"With endurance, do you have to do a certain training exercise?"
"Excellent question, my dear student. In fact, yes. To improve mana endurance, one must meditate for hours. Everyone who starts using magic all start with a low mana endurance unless they are chosen by their God as a representative. That just means that a God would give the person a big mana endurance. It gives them a head start on every other magician starting out."
"So can the Gods interfere wherever they feel like it or are there certain rules?"
"That's a tricky one. There's a non-verbal agreement not to meddle too much with the affairs of mankind but there's nothing restricting them from wreaking havoc."
"You mentioned tiers earlier. Could you explain that too?"
"Of course! The order from strongest to weakest is: God, Demigod, Monster, Combat and Parlour. There is one more that is kind of an exception. It's called Godless and is also known as Mana Suicide. When a person, no matter if they are a magician or not, is put under severe stress or emotional distress, their mana veins are temporarily opened as wide as possible involuntarily.
This gives the person practically infinite mana and somehow knowledge of spells. It only happens in 1 out of 1 billion people and is barely researched due to how scarce it happens. This infinite mana lasts 10 minutes."
"What happens after those ten minutes?"
"The veins collapse in on themselves and leak into the bloodstream. This poisons the person leading them to death. There's rumours that this feels like being put into a furnace and being stabbed hundreds of times. It's not a pretty sight."
"That's a horrible way to die."
"Sure is. Anyway, let me explain requirements for the tiers. Monster and up require full incantations but only God requires ingredients. Demigod and up require expertise in the magic you're using otherwise you can be consumed by the mana. God level requires permission from that God and takes a huge toll on the body.
To summarise, God level has the ability to affect the entire world. Demigod is similar to donning armour except you gain abilities that are incredibly strong whilst wearing a spiritual representation of your patron's power. This power could level cities in one strike if it were used for that purpose. Monster level spells are basically upgraded versions of combat level spells. Combat level spells are the usual boring crap like fireball etc. Parlour is pretty self-explanatory."
"Going back to the blood pacts with Gods, how long do they last?"
"For life. I mean that literally by the way. If you die and are resurrected then you will have to redo the blood pacts but you won't have the same painful experience of the mana veins tearing themselves open to allow mana to flow since they'd already be open."
"Did you say the mana veins opening are painful?"
"Did I not mention that before? People have actually died from the pain it causes initially but it dulls out after a minute. Also, the pain depends on the God so screw being a servant of the God of War. Going off this topic, there is a way to tell which three Gods would be best for someone. Obviously, you don't have to have three Gods as your patron but it's recommended as there is no negatives for it, only positives."
"How do you tell what someone's preferred God is?"
"With this!" Michelle grabbed something from underneath her desk and brought it over me. It looked like a crystal ball. She said to place my hand over it, so I obliged. The ball started turning misty and eventually cleared, revealing a balance and nothing more.
"How strange?" Michelle looked puzzled.
"Did something go wrong?" I asked, worried that I'd broken it. I'm broke, so I can't afford to pay for it.
"Kind of. First off, it only gave you one symbol instead of three and it's a symbol that doesn't exist. Pass me your hand quick." She grabbed my hand and flicked her other wrist. All I felt was a stinging sensation, then my arm started gushing blood. I started to panic. Dizziness replaced my balance. Fear devoured my calmness. I tried wriggling free but Michelle gripped hold of me tighter. It hurt so much.
"H-Hurts... P-Please let go..." I started blacking out.
I heard a voice close in the distance. It sounded loudly quiet. I was warm but cold. My vision was blurring worse each second. Tears ran down my face, escaping the terror that had engulfed me. Was this it? What a pitiful way to die! I always imagined dying of old age or on the battlefield but here I was, dying a miserable death. Blank white images flew across my mind, calming me slightly. A voice called out, piercing the silence of my surroundings.
Suddenly, I was stood in a bustling street, clad in the military armour I had despised so much. Where am I? Was all that just a dream? Does that mean I'm still in the military? I don't want to be back. I dropped to the floor in despair. Everyone ignored me and walked around. Why? Why must I be back here? Tears fell. Tears of frustration. I don't want to be a pawn for someone's greedy campaign.
Please take me back! I don't care if they kill me, I'd rather die there than here. Please! Just let me see them one more time. It may have only been a day or so, but they were the first group to be welcoming to me. Even if they betrayed me, I don't care.
The tears dropped harder and faster. They wouldn't stop. Absolute despair and hopelessness emptied me. I felt hollow. I felt no pride in this disgusting uniform let alone feeling pride in the beliefs of this misguided country. This war has no meaning so why must it be fought? Why? Why throw away lives for the sake of money? Does the worth of a soul really equate to such a lowly measurement?
Voices mumbled everywhere around me. What were they saying? Probably something about how weak and helpless I am. How pitiful of a man I am. How I'm selfish and don't care about protecting people I've never met before. Why should I? What have they ever done for me? The only memories I have of ones of the military and the mocking tones of their voices.
The mumbles evolved into a chorus of laughter. Continuous laughter. The laughter wouldn't stop. What did they want from me!? Please someone, take me away from this! The constant mockery, the condescending attitude of society. I've had enough!
"Why don't you end it then?" A voice pierced the laughter and a knife landed in front of me.
A knife. It would end this. This vicious cycle I've had to endure. This world that I wish to have no part in. I don't care what happens anymore. I grabbed the knife. Would anyone even miss me? I placed it against my neck. Is this really what I want? I could so easily end my life here, and yet I hesitate. Why? Am I scared of the consequences?
"You alright down there?" A girl crouched down in front of me.
"M-Mira?"
She covered my ears and everything to melt away. There was no more vicious chants. No more laughter. No more anything. She uncovered my ears.
"Tell me. Why did you take my hand the other day?"
"I-I don't know."
"There must've been a reason."
"If I had to say it's because it was the first time someone gave me their hand."
"Is that all?"
"Yes..."
"You really are hard work sometimes. You took my hand because you saw there was a chance for the world to become good and you wanted to see that good. You wanted to live."
"You're wrong! I don't want to live! I've had enough of how harsh this world is. I..."
"If you didn't want to live then why'd you hesitate? You had the chance to end it so why didn't you?"
"I was scared to, ok! I'm so scared! All these questions appear with no answers. If I die what will become of me? Is there an afterlife? Why do I feel so much pain from these questions? Every day they find their way to the forefront of my mind and every day I have to dispel them, but they always return to remind me of my frailties and fear!"
Mira just hugged me. Why do I feel relieved? The questions are still there but I can't feel their power anymore. A weight was lifted. But what of the past couple of days. Were they merely a dream? So where am I now? It's no matter right now. I want to just feel this peace for just a little longer.
"Don't worry those couple of days happened. You're still here with the rest of us. It's ok to be scared. Being scared shows you have emotions. And if you have emotions then you are truly someone. And if you're someone then you have the right to live. Don't let anyone tell you different. Do you wanna know who told me that? You did. You may not remember but that doesn't matter. You're still you. You are someone so you deserve to live."
"Thank you... so much. The voice is quiet. It is so quiet. Less questions. Less pain..." I blacked out.