"When you stop living your life based on what others think of you real life begins. At that moment, you will finally see the door of self-acceptance opened."
- Shannon L. Alder
-Blaine-
The cool water of the shower covered my body, clearing away all the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately, most obviously the bully from today, I'm gonna get beaten up tomorrow or this week. Who knows. That one specific thought is bothering me right now, I'll keep my guard up until it passes or I get captured and tortured, whichever comes first, to be honest.
I ran the soap through my body, washing away the dirt and the smell of city smoke on my body. I couldn't, for the life of me, think this bullying will be done and over with, it's just virtually impossible for me to think it'll end, I mean look at me. I'm not as strong-looking as most boys, I'm not handsome to everyone's eyes but my mom says otherwise if she did hear this from me, I'm a danger magnet to anyone trying to hang out with me and that makes Paul a daredevil...
haha...
It's wishful thinking for me to say this will turn for the better, I'm already at that part of my depression where I use my razor to cut myself, but it's not like that deep, just enough to ooze a bit of blood, heal with a decent amount of time, and not be noticeable by the end of it.
When I first tried it, it felt like a diversion away from the emotional hurt I always felt. I get distracted by the physical inconvenience that I don't have time to think of my sadness and depression. And soon enough it became my addictive drug to escape from it, my escape to my reality. I know it's bad for me and that I should be sensible and approach a therapist or talk about it with my family but my life is becoming shitty and messed up for me to fix anyway, might as well join the bandwagon of self-destruction and sabotage my health both physically and mentally. I'll just prove my worth in my studies, maybe someone will appreciate me there.
I turned on the showerhead and water once again covered me, refreshing me as I rinsed the soap and shampoo off of my body. I grabbed the towel after I turned off the showerhead and dried myself and wrapped it around my waist. Sighing to myself in defeat I stepped out of the bathroom, I wish I could shower in cold water forever and not have to worry about anything ever again or think so degrading of myself that I'd wish I was better than myself.
Handsome. Stronger.
Social. Accepted.
Cared for. Loved. Happy.
-///-
You know how sometimes you'd feel so sad you'd just want to lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling and stream your edgy/sad songs with your earphones while you think about your shitty life? and then the next thing you'll know you feel so happy that nothing can ruin your day at all type of feel? That's what I'm feeling at the moment, except it was just a quick shower break and I feel neutral, that "meh" feeling that you'd normally have when you don't care about stuff at all. I don't know whether I'd call this shift in the mood a blessing or a curse, because I could be sulking and rethinking my whole life for a solid 6 hours, sleep, and then wake up feeling as if your soul has left your body and that everything doesn't bother you or you don't care at all with all that lazy feeling and bedridden feeling accompanying you. That's what I'm feeling, every time, every day, and right now. But, we haven't finished the night with something fancy and delicious yet to continue my routines.
After I changed into my casual house clothes but didn't bother drying my hair and letting it dry and form natural spikes on, I went down the staircase and smelled the delicious smell of my curry, sweet and spicy, just how I like it. As I finally went to the living room I saw my mom hand sewing some sort of scarf with black, white, and shades of gray-colored yarns, weaving them in a patterned manner, I smiled at her own hobbies, just to enjoy those simple interests with much calmness of both you and your environment must feel like heaven.
"Mom, dinner will be ready," I said as I made my way to the kitchen area.
"私はすぐにそこにいます. (shi has gu ni so ko ni I masu/i will be there in a minute)" She said as she continued to hum a tune which I have no idea of what song. Maybe it's common to her back at her home place in Japan, who knows?
As I made my way down the counter and to the stove, I opened the lid to what Filipinos call a "Kaldero" and got a soup ladle, and placed the curry on a serving bowl.
Dinner was finally served, I'm taking pride off of the only thing I can brag about, and it's my cooking skills and that's it.
Mom and Paul enjoyed the curry a lot and it brought a smile to my face that they do love my cooking. Taking a bite, I know that the spiciness was just right and the curry complimented the spicy flavor by toning it down for the curry flavor to kick inside the mouth.
"So, what do you all think of the curry?" I asked, obviously a stupid question, but hey, I need the validation so you can't blame me for it.
"Bro... It's mighty fine to me, 11 over 10." Paul had a huge grin across his face like the happy kid he was.
"And how about you mom?" I asked as she took another bite while humming in delight with her eyes closed, her face with a happy expression. She was more than satisfied with my cooking.
"I'll take your happy expression as a yes then." I chuckled in between words at how my mom acted like a kid too. Maybe I should do this more often.
"Glad to know everyone likes my cooking. Maybe I'll take the pleasure of cooking garlic butter steak this weekend." I swear I saw Paul's face immediately shocked for a second from the next dish I said, mom just smiled and continued to eat the curry while she was at it.
"PLEASE YOU'll PROMISE TO COOK THE STEAK!" Paul exploded with excitement, making me laugh to my heart's content.
"haha, ok ok! I'll cook it on the weekends." I chuckled wholeheartedly and enjoyed Paul's incredibly childish reactions.
I love this feeling. The feeling of validation and appreciation for something I'm good at. I hope this will be a long-time thing for me. For once in my life at the moment I don't want my Mom and Paul to stop appreciating me, never ever.
-/3rd Person POV/-
After the lively dinner they had, Paul followed Blaine to his room where they will sleep for the rest of their sleepover. Paul being Paul went ahead and crashed onto the bed where he will sleep which was also Blaine's bed,
"Well, imma rest now, I have practice tomorrow and I need to get all the rest I need. Good night Blaine." Paul lazily said and went to sleep. Blaine just smiled and went to his desk.
He took out from his drawer a quill pen and some ink and brought out some old-looking paper on another drawer from his desk.
He then dipped his quill and filled it with ink and began to write on the piece of paper he placed on his flat table.
"Dear Trad,
hey, it's been a while, hasn't it? I wished I wrote this letter sooner than the last time I received yours, but I had no other reason but to be busy with bullies and school. My finals are coming up and I wanted to let you know in advance that I might not write letters to you for a few days but after exams, I promise to write another letter to you, ok?
Anyway, how's life so far for you? Has your school been treating you fairly? Any new friends did you make recently? I'm just dying to know details from you in the next letter! Hope you're safe from where you live, and still keep dreaming and aiming high at your studies, ok? I'll reply to you after I'm done with my exams... Cya!
From,
Blaine Adelheid."
after finishing his handwritten letter, Blaine then folded the letter neatly and brought out a small envelope. He opened his drawer and took a candle and a few small, shaped wax, and a spoon. He lit up the candle and placed the spoon with the wax on it and waited for the wax to melt.
he then poured the melted wax and pressed a tool on the wax that had the design of his seal on that end with little force until the wax had slightly hardened. he then placed the letter there and placed what he used back to their respected drawers.
He then stared at the ceiling, as if something had just come up in his mind. Something was plaguing his mind still, even after a bonding experience with his loved ones. He was frozen in place as his mind trailed off to a lot of things in his mind, his face growing sadder and sadder as he continued to stare into the nothingness. His depression was not leaving him, not even for a bit as it plagued his mind of all happiness that he experienced just now. and he couldn't accept the sudden sadness even after a happy dinner he had, but it was just inevitable, his depression just lingering at the back of his mind just waiting to strike and kill whatever joy he feels in his heart and replacing it with the icy cold feeling that stretches from his heart to his arms.
Blaine shook his head as he tries to get over it.
"stop thinking like this, you idiot. don't ruin this night like it didn't even happen." He muttered to himself as he turned off his lamp and blew the flame from the candle, hopped onto the bed with Paul, and pulled the covers. He yawned out loud as his sleepiness started to plague his vision and the sweet arms of sleep finally embraced him.
"Good night Paul." Blaine happily said as he drifted off to sleep.