Brody sits in front of the freshly lit bonfire fed by half-wet logs and disintegrating alcohol-soaked notebooks. The people around him seem to sense his frustration and keep their distance.
Good, he thinks. I've always been great at driving people away. Never at keeping them close.
Why couldn't he let himself go the way Kaius always does? And what's holding him back is so stupid yet so critical in his own mind; it's infuriating.
Of course he liked women. But with men it was different. He felt more himself. It was a fact that was almost shaming, but he liked that. The conflict, the battle, inside and out. It was emotionally rewarding as much as physical. Another man, the same as him, but...is Kaius the same as him?
Leaving Shanan and coming to the city for school was the best thing that ever happened to him. He'd gotten a taste of the fast-paced world with all its pleasures and unfiltered vogue. Sure, he's struggled while being here.
And his dickhead friends have been good for nothing except their unexplainably diverse assortment of porn, obvious stashes of party drugs, and sloppy blow job stories. They were the ones who put the idea in his head of letting another dude have his way with him. That 'what happens in the dorm room stays in the dorm room'.
He told them all what idiots they were, but that night he had to admit to himself how excited he'd gotten hearing them talk like that. And immediately, he thought of Shane.
What was it he said? 'I don't love you and I don't want to sleep with you.'
Idiot. Of course they weren't in love. That's not what it was about.
I didn't...fall in love with him.
So why did it hurt so much to hear those words come out of his mouth?
He isn't like that. He isn't like either of them. With Shane especially, he didn't want to think of it as an attraction, more a release. Shane was just too old fashioned to see it that way. He didn't turn him down but also didn't expect anything from him.
Girls are fun for a while, but then they get the wrong idea, or get clingy, or just want to tell you all the ways you can improve. Shane never once called him an asshole. Didn't ask him when he was coming back or demand to be treated any certain way. He was just...there every time he needed him.
It was supposed to be their secret. A forbidden fun, though it did turn into more at the end. And now here he is with Kaius, who's all he can think about. He wants him. But he also...might have actual feelings for the guy. How is this happening all over again? he curses. Maybe I need to actually consider the idea of liking both.
The fire crackles as his brain pauses on that point and on that word, and a door opens somewhere in his mind, fitting things together perfectly.
Just like that idiot with the raccoon said. Why did he need to choose? Until now, he's been traveling between two rooms through that shaming hallway he hated so much. It was exhausting traveling down it over and over. But he had to do it in order to get to the room he wanted.
He assumed those rooms were so far away, but...they're not, are they? Now with this new door, he realizes the rooms are not only much larger than he initially perceived but right next door to one another. It's almost as if the two are now one big room.
"Haha." He stands, looking out past the flames and into the crowd so oblivious to his triumphant self-discovery. They seem so distant.
It makes so much sense. Not even saying it out loud, he feels as though a huge boulder has been lifted off him. His body feels lighter, somehow. Why had he never thought of it so plainly before? He likes girls, but he likes boys, too. Not just Shane. He could literally leap for joy at the feat of understanding himself! He can see himself in the grand scheme of life. He can see the possibilities. And he likes what he sees.
Why the hell hadn't anyone told him before? Even growing up with Shane, that stupid town was so sheltered that he'd never even... Damn.
He wants to tell someone. Who? Really, there's only one person to tell. Would he get a chance to after tonight?
Such horrible imagery, but that high dude? He sure owes him one. What he said reached him in an odd, unintentionally deep way.
Without meaning to be, he is walking with determination through the middle of the field, bumping shoulders and tripping over a mess of legs just trying to get back to campus.
The path moves easily past his feet, and he picks up his pace, wishing he could have figured this out an hour ago, then right now maybe Kaius wouldn't be——
"Grah!"
A large stick flies over the path ahead of him, and he freezes.
Kaius is right there in front of him, hunched over with a hand to his chest after chucking the tree branch into the forest. Mid-whatever it is he's doing, their eyes meet.
Kaius stares at him, wide-eyed, seeming to be as shocked as he is at the unexpected meeting. "Shit," he says as he hops up and turns away toward the trees in an attempt to flee.
In bewilderment, Brody bounds after him. "I thought you!—I mean—you left. With that guy!"
"Plans changed."
He won't look at Brody, so he tries picking up his pace. Ow! Where did all these damn roots come from? Finally, he is close enough to reach out and take his hand, forcing him to a halt. In response, as though in self-defense, Kaius forces him against the tree with his other arm. Brody grunts.
"I need to talk to you." He's already done this once tonight, but now he's fully prepared.
"Please," Kaius begs with nothing but hurt in his voice. "You're the last person I want to see right now. Let me recover from not being able to play with you more. To use you," he slurs, "break you…then love you."
Brody can smell the alcohol on his breath, but that's mostly because he's so close—again. Close enough to make Brody wonder if he's going to kiss him after all. It's almost as if he's going to say one thing then do another. Is he? His lips are so near, and his eyes are staring down his face. Every inch of his body seems to be pressed against him. Brody can't help but notice that Kaius could overpower him if he really wanted to.
"Go back to your friends." He pulls away instead and resumes his retreat.
If anything, Brody knows he has to keep him from hurting himself tonight. Or...being hurt. Since finding him in this state, he's responsible for him in a way. Yeah. That's the only reason he's stopping him.
"I lied."
Kaius doesn't stop, so he hobbles after him.
"I lied about having a girlfriend," he tries again. "And that's not the only thing I've been lying to you and myself about. Turn around."
"People lie all the time," Kaius waves behind him. You're nothing special in that regard, sweetheart. I won't hold it against you. So stop following me."
"I'm not following you; I'm chasing you."
That makes him stop. Brody holds his breath. The crickets are all but gone in the coolness of the season, but signs of summer still remain. What will Kai be like in cold weather months?
He watches nervously as Kaius stomps back toward him and once again pins him against a tree.
"Feel like elaborating?"
Brody's face remains flat, but his pupils go wide. He raises a challenging brow despite the blood flushing his face.
"That's adorable. But I get the feeling you're lying to me again."
Brody can feel himself falling—into this maze, this extraordinary puzzle of a man. The person in front of him is everything wrapped into one with a bright multicolored bow.
He's so free, yet so fierce. And strangely loyal. Brody finds himself wanting to be those things. Especially loyal. How could he not know before now that he's exactly what he wants?
"I lied...because it scared me. You scared me. I judged you when I shouldn't have. You weren't just looking for fun. You were being sincere. And I've never been sincere in my entire life. I told myself I had to live a certain way. That it was what I wanted. I made rules for myself, then I selfishly broke those rules and pretended innocence. Now I know."
He can't look him in the eye anymore. The rest of his speech will have to be directed toward the ground.
"I like you."
He can't take it anymore. "I-I'm capable of liking you, of liking anyone I want." He swallows, blushing now. "Male or female."
This is so awkward, he broods. Why did I want to do this, again? Kai doesn't care. I'm just making a fool of myself in front of him for the tenth time in a row.
A hand slides onto the back of his neck while another puts light pressure on his lower back, pulling him closer. He doesn't want to look at him, but the firm hand forces his head up toward the eyes of the boy he was aiming his short speech at. He prepares himself for a sarcastic gloat or victory lap around his head.
His eyes widen when, instead of either of those things, he is rewarded with the most beautiful smile that has ever been worn by any mortal.
How? How is he so beautiful? He's beautiful when he's being a prick. He's beautiful when he's showing off. He's beautiful when he's hurt. But this…
Brody has never used the word ecstasy in any context before. But that word—it only seems appropriate for the look on Kai's face. In fact, he owns that word right now. No one else deserves it. He's glowing and smiling and just being beautiful,—every inch of him—being himself.
Is he smiling because of me? Did I do that?
Kaius drops his head, trying to shake off the grin, and rests it on Brody's shoulder. Brody can't help but pull him close.
I'm holding him in my arms after telling him I like him. That...must be a good thing, right? My heart is—no. Is that Kai's heart beating like crazy? He buries his face in his collar, absorbing his smell with the light coating of sweat.
After staying there for a few moments, breathing in and out, Kaius turns his head to plant a simple kiss on Brody's neck.
But Kaius is Kaius, and so what is briefly a pure moment in an instant turns sensual as his lips and teeth pull and suck on Brody's skin, marking him.
Brody pulls closer, tilting his head to expose more of himself. When the boy is through, and his skin is stinging with pleasure, he waits for Kaius, who asks,
"So are you coming over tonight?"
"Yes," he sighs gratefully, sinking into his arms. "Except..."
Kaius pulls away to look at him in alarm.
"I twisted my ankle chasing your ass down. You may have to carry me." It's a joke, obviously, but Kaius considers the words with an enormous grin.
"Not a half-bad idea," he agrees, scooping him up with one arm.
The End.
Thanks for reading! -freneticmind