(A week after the death of Adriel Zion Rodgrgiuz)
Do you ever get the feeling when you're talking to someone and suddenly, out of nowhere you get pulled back. Like you're in a car that's stuck in reverse. Taken back in a flash. Not knowing you zone out, the world in front of you stopping for a mild moment and you get sucked into this faded memory, like you're there but not actually living it anymore.
*flashback*
I start to shove my way through the sea of students to simply people making way for me to move as I got closer with heavier steps.
And there it was.
There's a round of gasps, phones flashing and then everything went still. Faces started turning to look at me with so much pity in their eyes I felt the suffocation choke me in that very moment.
His dead body was just laying there in a pool of his own blood, lifeless. The light he carried no longer shining. His empty eyes staring back at me.
Numb. Numb was how I felt in that very moment, where my whole world came crashing down on me like a tonne of bricks. My blood runs cold as I realise who it is.
My breathing became rapid, it was getting harder to breathe. Wetness on my cheeks I notice I'm crying. My eyes refuse to look away from Adriel trying to find warmth in them as I drop to my knees grabbing ahold of his hand. tears freely dropping I make eye contact with Delilah who shoves her way towards the centre of attention before letting out a blood-curdling scream.
The next few moments pass in a blur, An ambulance siren in the distance, Delilah's screams, swarms of faces looking at me like a timed explosive that might blow up any second, I cling onto Adi's hand, praying furiously, choking on my sobs focusing on the pool of blood that keeps increasing by the passing second. Barely feeling someone's hand on my shoulder I focus on Adi's cold unresponsive fingers.
No. No. No.
I get pulled back and a man in a police uniform stands in front of me with a walkie talkie gruffly speaking into it before the sound of sirens fill the air and I pull away with all my strength to hold my brother's body one more time when an arm around my waist grabs me from behind.
Shaking violently I scream into Logan's chest, letting the tears fall while he strokes my hair.
*end of flashback*
It's like you're watching your life play ahead of you and you can't do anything to change it. You stand there and watch things on replay. You can't take back the events that led to your downfall. The rush of emotions suddenly hitting you leaving you like a trainwreck.
The way you smile when he tells you one of his lame jokes to make you laugh when you're having a bad day, or the way you believed from the bottom of your heart he would always be there for you, even when he acted like an ass. The way he made sure nobody made you cry and stood up for you when the world seemed like a horrible place.
And the only question that keeps repeating itself in your head like a siren is why, why did he have to go? Why him? Of all people. just. why.
The next thing you know is that you're trapped. You're stuck rewatching a faded memory, the pain still stinging fresh as if you hadn't just relived the very moment.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who still thinks about him, he wouldn't be the first person who's left us behind. You could be your best self and still not be enough for some people to stay.
It's frustrating how dependent you can become to someone who has done nothing but be there for you. How could he just leave?
How hopeless you can feel just by remembering how you just sat there and let it happen, how selfish you were to not to notice the signs, it was like he warned me. like he knew. he knew...
He tried to tell me, but I chose not to notice. how selfish? how fucking selfish. and pathetic. so goddamn pathetic to not make a difference. To not save him, To have done anything.
It's not because I've lost it. no. far from it really, I feel bare. exposed and vulnerable. I feel empty. Like hallow well. being pathetically foolish enough allow myself to believe. Believe in him. That he's still here, he's still alive and he's with me. It's too unreal to force myself to hold on to.
I still hold onto the silly strand of hope that he'll come back. That this is just some sick twisted joke. He'll be here. Someday. Somehow. Does that make me crazy? to still have hope? Clasping on to the memories and the empty promises he threw at me, Our whole childhood being played, memories flooding in back to back just making me curl into a ball. Every laugh to every tear hitting me like bullets to my chest making me gasp for breath. The pain blinds you from reality. Tears down your walls one by one and makes sure your pieces are unfixable.
Feeling an anchor on my chest I realize there's never a way I can move on. It builds character they say, they say it makes you stronger, It's the 'way of life'. But what's the point in being strong if all that means losing you? was this the price I had to pay to grow up? to become someone? to become someone that you'd be proud to call your sister?
Why do people keep leaving my life? Is God punishing for being such a horrible and weak disgrace of a person?
God has a weird way of bringing and removing people in your life. One minute you're completely fine, living your life to the fullest with people you love and genuinely make you happy, and the next thing you know, you're in an everlasting pit where all you do is keep falling deeper and deeper.
They say "god puts everyone in your life for a reason, some are just meant to teach you lessons in life" but honestly? I'd rather keep making mistakes and keep the people in my life rather than learn and grow up.
Why do we allow ourselves to be so vulnerable to people who could leave any moment? It makes you hollow. A confused idiot. The pain from a loaded gun could hurt less than how you left me, Adi. You just dipped, didn't you? Left me and Ma to fend for ourselves as life claws us to shreds like vultures.
"It's time to go Cierra." Ma's shaky voice brings me back to reality. I look up at her through the tears in my eyes ready to spill. she looked skinnier, if possible. the bags under her eyes were more dominant than ever and her eyes held nothing but an empty pit of darkness in them with no warmth. Almost as dead as Adi.
I simply nod, few tears falling astray. I hastily rub my eyes and get up looking at the freshly dug out grave in front of me that read 'In loving memory of Adriel Zion Rodriguez; A son, brother and friend. 2002-2020'
I sniffle a few times walking back to the car, we were the last ones to leave, Ma drives us back in silence.