I couldn't breathe,
I couldn't speak,
I couldn't move.
John lay in his bed before me, his eyes were closed and his hair clung to the side of his face from fever. It looked like he was having a hard time breathing. He seemed to be mouthing words, but I just heard faint mumbles and small whimpers. I slowly approached him. I knew I had to be losing my mind. John had died, he couldn't be lying in a bed before me at that moment, he just couldn't be. I knelt down next to his bed, and watched as beads of sweat trickled down the side of his chin. His eyes looked sunken, his face no longer held that sweet flare of life it once held. He looked weak, and small in his bed. A tear ran down the side of my cheek, as I sat next to him. I took his hand in mine, and placed my forehead on the back of his hand. Sobs overwhelmed me, my whole body shook with emotion. George helped me to the wooden chair next to John's bed, and he checked John's chart.
"How do you know this man?" George asked, shocked by my reaction.
I didn't know what to say, or how to explain to George who John was to me. John was everything to me, how was I going to explain that to George in a way that he could understand?
"John...he's...he's..." I couldn't finish my sentence, the sobs were still taking control of my body.
"His pulse is very weak, he has a very high fever. It says here that he has a heart condition; it could be causing the fever. I'm amazed he is still alive, from what his chart says he should already be dead," George said, looking down at the chart.
I still couldn't manage words, I couldn't believe what George was telling me. I couldn't lose John again, not after everything.
"I...I thought he was dead...I was told...I was told he was dead," I stuttered.
George seemed stunned and confused. "He is very sick Beth. I don't know how much longer he will be alive."
I covered my mouth to keep from sobbing aloud. Pain covered me like a blanket and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to control myself. I squeezed John's hand and tried to regain some composure, but none of it seemed real. I didn't understand how he was alive, or why Rolf had lied to me about it. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to understand why he would tell me such a thing. I tried to make some sort of sense out of it but I just couldn't.
George left me alone with John, and I sat there next to him for hours. The sun had started to fall off into the horizon, the street lights were turning on outside the hospital window, and the dim lighting of the hospital lamps turned on. I rested my head against the wall behind the chair, and I watched as John's chest would rise and fall with each breath. I rested a cool wet cloth on his forehead; his breathing was deep and shallow. It killed me to see him so weak, and fragile. Nurses would come and check on us every few hours, and when it started getting cold, George brought me a blanket to wrap around me. I closed my eyes as I rested my head against the cold wall. I tried not to let my fury take hold of my heart again but no matter what I did I couldn't stop trying to understand why Rolf would lie to me about John. He had lied to my face. He had allowed me to believe that the only love I had ever had was dead. No justification I attempted to make seemed to make sense.
"Beth?" I heard.
I quickly sat up straight and John was looking at me through exhausted eyes. He winced in pain, his eyes squeezed shut for a moment, but quickly opened again.
"How did you find me?" John asked through gritted teeth, he seemed to relax a bit after a couple moments.
"You were calling for me in your sleep. I heard you," I answered in a soft shaky voice.
"Why are you here?" John asked, looking startled at my presence.
"They brought me here, once Aussichtslos was liberated. They found me locked in my father's cellar," I said, trying to remain calm.
"He locked you in his cellar?" John said, looking angry.
"I'm okay," I said, squeezing his hand mine and kissing it gently.
"I'm so sorry," He said weakly.
"For what?" I asked gently
He winced again, and then relaxed. "I never wanted this to happen," He sounded sad and frustrated.
"What do you mean?" I asked, hoping desperately for answers.
"I never wanted you to find me, not like this," John said, closing his eyes and turning his face away from me.
"What do you mean, John? Rolf told me you were dead, why would he lie?" I asked.
John looked at me, and a tear slid down the side of his cheek, "Because I asked him to," He said sternly as though suddenly angry at me.
I looked at him astonished, and horrified. "Why?" I stuttered.
John hesitated, thinking over his words carefully. "I never wanted you to see me this way. I never wanted you...I never wanted you to see me die."
"So you lied to me?" I said in disbelief, feeling my own anger begin to rise.
"Beth..." John winced and gritted his teeth, his body tensed and then relaxed after a minute "I was... I am dead. I'm lucky if I make it through the night. I shouldn't have even made it this long. I asked Rolf to tell you what I believed to be the truth at the time. I love you so much, Beth. I thought I was protecting you. It was never supposed to be like this," He said, still sounding angry but I wasn't sure if his anger was at me or himself.
"Stop trying to protect me, and just let me help you!" I pleaded, hating the fact he thought he couldn't tell me the truth. "You broke my heart! You didn't protect me, John, you left me alone, and took away my last good reason to live!" I was trying not to shout but I could hear my voice echo throughout the hall.
"Beth you were never alone," John said.
"You were gone, my mother was gone, everyone I ever loved was dead. How was I not alone?" I said with anger building up inside of me.
"Rolf," John said looking tired and angry.
I placed my hand on my forehead trying to understand what he was saying. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to fight the burning anger I was feeling.
"Rolf?" I said through gritted teeth.
"He will protect you," John said with pleading eyes. "I am dying, Beth, and I wasn't strong enough to tell you. I didn't want to lie. I just needed to know that you were going to be okay. There was nothing you could have done to protect me. Rolf never wanted to lie to you, I begged him to tell you that I was already gone. I didn't want you to hold onto a dying man. I didn't want you to continue to love me, I couldn't give you false hope."
I sniffled wetly and then took a deep breath, "You always did have such foolish ideas," I smiled weakly.
John seemed to ease a little "I'm sorry."
"I know," I answered.
"I love you, Beth," John said quietly "But you can't love a dead man."
I sat up straight and rested my palm on the side of his cheek, "You aren't dead yet. Please don't push me away," I pleaded.
John took my hand in his and kissed the inside of my palm. I knelt down next to his bed, and kissed him gently on his warm lips. I then slid next to him in his bed and rested my face into the nape of his neck.
"I missed you so much," I said softly.
John kissed my forehead, "I missed you too."
We spent the rest of the night in each other's arms and we fell asleep holding each other closely.
The next morning I felt the sun shining through the window. I opened my eyes a little but then quickly shut them again. When I finally managed to get my eyes open, I saw that John was watching me intently. He smiled weakly, and kissed the top of my head.
"Good morning," John said softly.
I still had a hard time believing that John was really lying next to me, in a hospital bed. "Good morning," I said with a rested yawn.
"Do you know you talk in your sleep?" John asked, looking concerned.
I sat up a little bit, "No, I'm usually asleep when I do it," I said with a small smile but then realized John didn't look amused. "What's the matter?"
John seemed to consider his next words very carefully, "You were talking about your father."
"Yes, I suppose I have been thinking about him, a lot lately" I said, playing with a loose thread on my robe.
"What did he do to you Beth?" John said looking worried.
I sighed heavily, "I'm okay, John. Really I'm okay."
"Beth, what happened when I left?" John asked, looking more serious than I had ever seen him.
I snuggled back down into the bed and rested my head on John's shoulder. "My father felt as though he was losing control of me and Aussichtslos. After Rolf got you out, he was beaten within an inch of his life. I don't know where he is or what my father did with him after that. He told me that you died, my father found great pleasure in that." I could feel the rage growing steadily within in as I recalled the events, "A guard" I hesitated, "A guard...He tried to rape me. But I killed him before he got the chance." I stopped to gage John's reaction. His eyes were narrow as if processing my words but he remained silent, "There were too many witnesses I suppose, so my father took me to the cellar of his house, and locked me in" I said with a calm that even worried me.
"He locked you in his cellar?" John said through gritted teeth, "For killing a man who tried to rape you?" He said in complete disbelief.
"I'm okay John," I insisted, trying not letting him to see the fear that still lived inside of me.
There was a long silence between us.
"You aren't okay. You were screaming in your sleep," John said, looking at me as though I were the one dying.
"I will eventually be okay, don't worry about me," I said trying to hide the tear that had made its way down the side of my face.
"I shouldn't have left you. I was a coward," John said with shame.
I sat up quickly and stared deep into John's green eyes, "You thought you were protecting me. You believed that what you were doing was right" I said gently.
"I should have told you the truth. I'm sorry I lied, I'm sorry I forced Rolf to lie. I should have died in Aussichtslos like everyone else. Rolf could have stayed and protected you if it weren't for me." His hands were in fists clenched tightly.
"I don't know if Rolf could have done anything. There is only so much one person can do in a place like Aussichtslos." I offered.
"I am so sorry, Beth," He insisted again.
"Please, no more apologizes, no more regret. I don't want what time we have left to be filled with any more sorrow. I'm so tired John. I'm so tired of loss, and anger, I am just so tired," I said, leaning against John.
"Okay" John said with a half smile. He hadn't smiled since I had found him, and it sent a wave of warmth through my body.
"I thought I was losing my mind when I found you," I said with a smile in return.
"I suppose a part of me was hanging on, in hopes that you would find me," John said.
I listened to his shallow breath. I could feel whenever his body would tense up with pain and then relax again.
"What's wrong with you John?" I asked suddenly, not sure if I really wanted to know the truth.
"I was sick when I arrived in Aussichtslos, and I only got worse while I was there. I had a heart condition as a child, and I suppose it never really went away. Eventually the guards were catching on that I wasn't pulling my weight and Rolf knew it too," John said sounding tired.
"A heart condition? Isn't there anything they can do?" I asked desperately.
"They tried Beth, I'm just too weak," John answered.
I squeezed my eyes shut trying to fight off tears, "I can't lose you again," I insisted.
"You shouldn't have to, none of this is fair, but God has a plan for you and me. Trust in that," John said soothingly
"How do you know?" I asked, begging for any comfort he could give.
"Because He gave me the chance to say goodbye. He let me love you in the short life I was given. He had a plan for me on day one, and I don't believe that plan ends when I..." John stopped.
George walked up to John and I, and he seemed uneasy.
"How are you feeling today?" George asked, his eyes darting between John and me.
John winced a little. "I'm okay, it's a little hard to breathe sometimes, and I am having sharp chest pains," he answered.
I sat up, "Isn't there anything that can be done?" I asked with a pleading voice.
George looked down at his shoes for a second and then looked mournfully back at me, and gently shook his head, "I wish there was, Beth. I really do."
The lump that had formed in my throat was constricting my breathing, and I felt as though a thousand pound weight had been placed on my chest. I was helpless again, and had no control over anything. I was getting tired of having things always be out of my control, just once I wanted to be to have control over something that was happening in my life. John placed the palm of his hand on my lower back. I looked over my shoulder and saw his dazzling green eyes looking up at me with a small tired smile. "Everything is going to be okay," John said weakly.
"How can you say that? Everything is not going to be okay!" I said with anger. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath trying to calm myself down. "You're dying John. I just found you. I barely made it through the first time, I won't be able to do it again. I won't survive this time," I said, feeling tears sting my eyes.
"We have done all that we can," George said.
"Obviously not, he's dying!" I shouted back, feeling my anger burn my cheeks.
"Beth, stop," John said, gripping my arm.
"No! Try harder! Save him!" I said pulling my arm away from John's grip and standing, "You are a Doctor! You are supposed to be able to save the sick, John is sick, help him!" I shouted, glaring at George as though he were the enemy.
"I'm sorry, Beth. I really am sorry. There just isn't anymore we can do for him. His heart is failing, he is too weak to undergo surgery," George said, looking despondent.
"Try!" I shouted desperately.
"Beth, stop it!" John said so loudly, that I looked at him with a bit of shock. "It is not his fault, the Doctors have done all that they can for me. Do not take the anger you have for the world and me out on George. He has done his very best. It's just my time, love, and I know you don't like that answer. I also know I have put you though enough already, but that's my fault not his," John said with great force behind his voice.
I could no longer hold my tears back. I began to cry and suddenly felt the need to hide. I sat down on the wooden chair next to John's bed, placing my face in the palm of both my hands. I was ashamed of myself for blaming George, I knew it wasn't anyone's fault that John was sick. I needed someone to blame, but I didn't want to blame John, and I certainly didn't want to blame God, and the only person left was George.
"I'm sorry," I managed to say through my tears.
"It's okay, Beth," George said softly, and then walked away.
I couldn't look up at John, I was too ashamed. I tried to fight off my tears, but my body was too weak. When I did look up, John was sitting up against the bedpost.
"It's okay to be mad at me, Beth," John said.
He looked like a watery blur through my tears, "I...I...won't..." I wasn't able to get the words out.
John reached out and took my hand in his, "I love you more than anyone on this earth. I have loved you since we were children. I need to know you are going to be okay without me. I need to know you are going to be...happy" John said, fighting off his own tears.
"How...how could I ever be happy without you?" I stuttered.
"Beth please, you can't hold onto a dead man. Be sad for me, cry for me, and then let me go." John said with a tear sliding down his cheek. "Live your life, be happy, and find peace."
"John...I need you," I said weakly.
"No, you don't, you need to live a life that is full of happiness and family. Find Rolf, Beth. He's a good man," John said, seeming not to think much about what he had just said.
"What?" I said with surprise
John sighed, "Beth, it destroys me knowing I won't be around to be your husband, or to love you till we grow old and grey," John coughed a bit causing him to wince, "I don't want you to be alone. Find Rolf, Beth."
"John, what are you trying to say?" I asked.
"Rolf cares about you, he has since the moment he met you. I hated him for it at first, but after everything he did in Aussichtslos for not only you-" I stopped him.
"You gave me to Rolf?" I asked with rage burning deep inside of me.
"No, of course not, I just wanted you to let go of me and I wanted someone there to help you. I gave him my blessing to....pursue you when the time was right," John responded gingerly.
"You gave him your permission?" I asked with fury.
John didn't seem to understand why I was upset, he looked puzzled by my reaction. I stood and backed away from him a bit, "I am not something you can just hand over to whoever seems good enough to have me. You do not have the right to just give me to Rolf."
"Beth I wasn't giving you to him, I was just giving him my blessing," John said seeming frustrated that I didn't understand.
"You gave your permission to another man to pursue me without even talking to me! Before you're even dead!" I shouted and people around us began to stare.
"I was trying to help you!" John said, sounding exasperated.
"Giving me away to another man, is not helping me John!" I couldn't be around him any longer, I walked away from him and I could feel his eyes watch as I left. I walked outside of the hospital, and there was a cold wind blowing. I leaned against the railing that was on the side of the hospital steps. I was shaking, and I wasn't sure if it was from all the crying, my boiling anger, or I was just cold. I paced the small patio that sat outside of the hospital doors. I couldn't believe that John would do such a stupid thing. Rolf was a good man, who had risked his life multiple times for me, and for John, and for that I would forever be in his debt. I still loved John, and loving another felt like a betrayal, even in the few moments I caught myself looking at Rolf and seeing him in a new light.
I saw Edith appear through the hospital door, and she walked slowly over to me. She was so pale, and thin I was afraid the wind would blow her tiny body over.
"George saw you walk out here, he said you were upset," Edith said with a soft smile.
"I...I don't know what I feel," I said with a sigh.
"What happened? You never came back to your bed last night. I haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon." Edith sat down on one of the steps, and leaned against the railing.
I sat next to Edith, and did my best to explain to her what had happened. When I had finished explaining to her all that happened, she seemed bewildered.
"Men are fools," Edith said with a small smile, "But they are fools with good intentions. Some of them anyway."
"I don't know what to do," I moaned.
Edith took my hand and smiled "You pray, and you enjoy the time you have left with John, and try to understand that what he did, he did out of love for you"
"He gave me away," I said with annoyance in my voice.
Edith moved closer to my side "It sounds to me, like he just didn't want you to be alone."
"He gave up," I added, lowering my eyes to the ground.
"Beth, men want to fix things. It's in their blood, and sometimes what they think is fixing a problem, is simply creating another problem. As women, we need to try our hardest to appreciate the fact that a man is willing to do extreme things, just to try to make you happy. Even if it doesn't always work out that way." Edith said in a soothing tone.
"He lied to me, he handed me over to Rolf, and he made me think he was dead!" I exclaimed, frustrated with her calmness.
Edith nodded, "Yes, well it certainly wasn't the wisest choice he could have made, but he did do it all to protect you."
"How is lying to me and giving me to another man protecting me?" I insisted.
Edith thought for a moment, "Beth, John is dying. Can you marry a dead man? Can you live a long happy life with a dead man? He knew he was going to die, and he didn't want you to hold onto a corpse. Now Rolf is a good man, you have said so yourself. I think he was just trying to ease any guilt you might ever feel for loving someone else."
I sighed deeply, and rested my head on Edith's shoulder. "How do you seem to have the answer to everything?" I said with a smile.
Edith chuckled a little and wrapped her thin arms around me, "I don't know everything, but I was married, and I had sons. You could say I learned a few things here and there."