The days that followed felt hazy as everyone felt the loss of life. Even the guards seemed on edge. I hoped that perhaps the guards were feeling the weight of their crimes more heavily as time passed. That was a delusion I created that allowed me to hold onto what little compassion I could afford to hold onto. The guards had always been monsters in my eyes, but the pure senseless act of murder as a way to practice one's aim shattered any sense of their humanity that still existed in my mind.
I yearned to go back in time, to have been able to be with Grace in her final moments of life. We hadn't really been close, but no one was particularly close to anyone in that place. She had saved my life and deserved to be known and seen, especially in her final moments. I should have been in the yard when it started, I felt like a coward. But Rolf hadn't just saved John and I. The women that were left from the raid received notes telling them of the fate of their loved ones. Some cried over the death of the ones they held most dear, and others sang praises to God for their lives.
The suffering didn't end when the raid did. I watched men and women being forced to carry the dead to the large ditches just outside the camp because the ditch that was inside the camp was already too full. Those who didn't help dispose of the corpses were forced to help make the large ditches deeper and wider. We spent days working on the graves. My back ached with every shovel of dirt and my heart broke with every body that was thoughtlessly tossed into the large ditch, the smell made me feel nauseous. At times the guards would fire shots into the air to make us work faster and harder, but at other times they just shot prisoners who couldn't keep up their pace.
One afternoon, as we continued our work on the mass grave, I noticed John working at the far end of the ditch. He looked weak and cold, his eyes were bloodshot and his face was pale and hollow. He seemed to be working as hard as he could, but he looked like he would keel over at any moment. I wanted to stop and run over and help him, but that would have gotten us both killed. I noticed a guard monitoring John's pace and I felt my heart begin to drop. I froze in place, watching John closely until suddenly I felt something cold get pressed hard against the back of my head. My heart was in the pit of my stomach.
"Why have you stopped working?" The guard asked from behind me.
"I'm tired, sir," I said trying to keep all the focus on me. The guard who had been focused on John was now looking at me.
"Do I look like I care?" The guard asked, cocking the gun and preparing to fire.
"I'm sorry, sir," I said keeping my eyes on the dirt. John was now looking at me as well.
"I should blow your brains out, you little bitch," The guard spat.
I closed my eyes, ready to accept whatever happened next, as long as it spared John. But then I heard someone shouting at the guard. We both turned and saw Rolf storm up behind us. He quickly walked up to the guard and he seemed calm and confident.
"We need her alive," Rolf said with ease.
"And why is that?" The guard asked, glaring at Rolf.
"We have more dead than help, she is still of use to us," Rolf said as though mocking the guard who was just short enough for Rolf to stare him down in a demeaning manner.
"Why do you care?" The guard asked, obviously annoyed.
"She can still work, you have no reason to harm her," Rolf replied simply.
"Who said I need a reason?" The guard said, turning back to me and pointing the gun at my head.
"Stop!" Rolf shouted.
"Why?!" The guard shouted back.
"She is the commandant's daughter," Rolf said, seemingly without much forethought. He looked at me with surprise on his face, but he quickly regained his composure.
The guard looked at me and then back at Rolf, never taking the gun away from my head, "She can't be, his daughter died." The man shook his head.
Rolf looked shocked, I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My father had started telling people that I was dead. Rolf took a moment to think things through he then said.
"She works in the commandant's home and is his personal servant. You wouldn't want to kill the commandant's servant, would you?" Rolf said with a hint of urgency.
The guard was clearly annoyed by Rolf's interference, but he put the gun back in his holster. He eyed Rolf suspiciously, like a lion circling his prey.
"You care an awful lot about this prisoner. Why is that?" The guard asked steadily.
"I don't. I'm just trying to save your job, and your life," Rolf said, still looking down on the frustrated guard. "I just thought you should be aware that she could be considered useful to the commandant, but if you think it is worth the risk," Rolf replied, unshaken by how close the guard was standing to him.
"Why did you say she was the commandant's daughter?" The guard asked.
"I thought she was," Rolf said confidently.
"Why would she be in the camp?" There was a hint of awe and fear in the guard's voice. I knew then what my father had meant about his officers fearing him because of my presence.
"I'm not sure, I just heard rumor's that she was in the camp," Rolf stated simply.
"You're a fool, Hartmann," the man chuckled nervously, moving on.
"I must be," Rolf replied.
The guard then shot the woman standing next to me. She fell into the pit hard and Rolf and I both flinched slightly at the impact. The guard walked off laughing, and then yelled at me to get back to work. I looked up at John who was still looking at me, his face looked shocked and horrified. I just didn't understand how such evil men were allowed to be in control of anything. I watched Rolf slowly walk away and go back inside the fence that led back into the camp. He had saved my life once again, and every part of me hated him for it. I never asked him to protect me, and if he had just let me die then the woman next to me wouldn't have lost her life. I wasn't sure how much more death I could handle. I could feel myself beginning to crack under the weight of my guilt and pain.
Later that same night I was lying in my cot when all of a sudden I heard Rolf's voice. He was yelling my name. I sat up, and he walked over to me, yelling for me to get up. I was surprised to see him. The other women in the barracks watched with bewilderment as Rolf grabbed me roughly by the arm and dragged me out of the barracks. I didn't even try to struggle, I just followed him. He pulled me behind one of the large buildings near the back fence of the women's side of the camp. When he let my arm go, I fell against the wall of the building. I didn't care what he planned on doing to me. I slid down the wall of the building and into the mud and snow.
"Shoot me," I said weakly.
"What?" Rolf asked.
"I know you are just going to kill me eventually, please just kill me," I said, closing my eyes and not caring about the melted snow seeping through my thin clothing.
Rolf looked at me with shock, "I'm not going to kill you. I brought you here so you could talk to John," He said defensively keeping a close eye out for guards.
"Why?" I asked tiredly.
"What do you mean 'why'?" Rolf seemed slightly offended by the question.
"Why do you keep helping us? Why do you keep saving me?" I asked accusingly.
Rolf didn't respond immediately, he seemed to think carefully about his words.
"Because I care," Rolf answered with such an innocent expression on his face it startled me.
"Why do you care?" I pushed further.
"Because you're still human, and you all deserve a chance to survive this," Rolf said mournfully.
"You're a Nazi. You should be mindlessly killing people like me. You shouldn't be standing up for the people in this place. You'll end up dead like the rest of us." I said bitterly.
"I'm a Nazi, but I never said I was proud of it. Someone has to protect you," Rolf replied gently.
I shook my head, "I never asked you to protect me. I never asked you to do anything for me," I said with anger.
"I know you didn't," Rolf said with sympathy in his voice, "I wanted to."
Tears slid down the side of my face, until sobs overcame me. I covered my face with my hands, and lifted my knees to my chest.
"I'm sorry," Rolf said in a whisper.
"I don't need your sympathy," I said through my tears.
"Beth, what are you doing sitting in the mud?" I heard John's voice. He came over and pulled me to my feet. I limply fell into him and he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't have the strength to stand. I knew John was too sick and weak to hold me up, but I just couldn't stand.
"Love? What's wrong?" He leaned against the wall so he could keep me from slipping back into the mud.
I continued to sob without a word. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried like a small child. He did his best to soothe me. He stroked my short hair and kissed my cheek trying to console me but with every soothing word I cried harder. Rolf walked away to keep watch, and I clung to John for dear life, not sure I would be able to ever let go again.
"Beth, tell me what's wrong," John said with desperation.
"Everything," I managed to say through my tears.
"What can I do? How can I help?" He asked lovingly.
I shook my head and said, "You can't help, and no one can."
John held me as tightly as he was able, I could feel his warm breath on my neck.
"Please, Beth, don't fall apart now. You have to be strong," John pleaded.
"I...I just...I just can't," I sobbed.
"Is this about what happened to that woman today?" John asked.
"It's about all of them!" I exclaimed. I felt sick to my stomach. I did my best to gather myself together and stop crying. "I'm so tired of watching people die. I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of the illnesses and the violence and I'm just....tired of being tired," I said trying to gather the strength enough to stand on my own.
John cupped my face in his hands and wiped some of the dirt off my face. He dried my tears and then placed his forehead against mine. We stood in silence for a long moment.
"I'm tired too, Beth. I'm sick of everything in this place. Everyday I watch men I once knew as children kill innocent people, but do you know what keeps me going?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"You," he answered.
New tears started to form in my eyes, and I squeezed my eyes shut trying not to let them fall.
"As long as you're alive and safe, I can fight for life. Beth, I love you more than anything in this world. But if you fall apart then you let the Nazi's win. You are the strongest woman I know and if anyone can survive this it's you." His words were meant to be encouraging but they just exhausted me.
"I'm tired of being strong," I said.
John nodded, "Mr. Becker wouldn't have given up, he would have done everything in his power to live and stay strong. I know he would want you to fight to stay alive too. After we get out of this place, you and I can be strong together. We'll help one another rebuild our lives. But right now you have to dig deep within yourself and find that hidden strength I know you have inside you. I need you to take hold of that part and hang on to it for dear life," John said, pleading with me.
"I don't think I have any strength left, my father stole all the strength I had. Every time another innocent person dies in here because of my father, a part of me dies with them. And I just don't have anything left to hold on to," I sobbed.
"Don't let your father win, Beth. Don't let him destroy you. He cannot take your strength or your faith away from you."
I knew he was right. I knew that if Mr. Becker had been there he would have told me that I had to rely on God. My only way out of Aussichtslos was to trust in God.
"Alright," I said weakly.
"You are going to make it through this, I know you will," John encouraged.
"I wish I had your certainty," I said.
John smiled and kissed me sweetly on the lips, "I've never loved you more than I do right now."
I smiled weakly.
"Will you be okay?" John asked with concern.
I nodded slowly, "Yes."
Rolf appeared and he looked frantic, "Your father is coming."
My eyes went wide, "Take John back to the barracks, go!"
"No, I won't leave you to face that monster alone," John gripped my hand with determination.
"You have to leave," I said, feeling my panic growing with every moment he stood beside me. "He will kill you the moment he sees you here with me, you must go!" I urged. John knew this was true and I could feel his growing frustration, but I just kissed him gently and whispered, "I love you."
Rolf grabbed John and ran into the darkness. I stayed put and tried to blend into the shadow of the building behind me, but my father came from behind the corner and immediately spotted me. The guard who had tried to shoot me earlier was at his side.
"How did you get out here?" The guard asked with anger.
I took a deep shaky breath, "I snuck out."
"There should have been a guard outside the barracks, how did you sneak past him?" The guard asked.
"There was no guard, sir," I replied, looking only at my father.
"No guard?" The guard said quizzically.
"Fredrick, can you leave me alone with this young woman?" My father said calmly.
The guard looked at my father and then at me with surprise but then saluted and said "Yes sir," and he walked away, leaving my father and I alone in the shadows.
"I must run a very loosely structured camp. It seems a few prisoners have been able to sneak past set guards," He said eyeing me closely. His jaw was clenched and his hands were behind his back, which he only ever did when he was contemplating a serious punishment.
I just stood still and guided my eyes to the ground.
"Or are the prisoners simply more clever than I am? Oh no, that can't be it. Let's see here, maybe I wanted the prisoners to be able to sneak out just so I could hunt them down for sport," My father said while circling me like a shark. He bought his hand down ominously to cover the gun that was sitting in his holster..
"Either way, I am quite through with finding prisoners sneaking about this camp late at night thinking no one sees them. I suppose I can't blame them, though. One of my guards has decided to play the hero and trying to spare the lives of the prisoners in this camp. He has been bringing letters back and forth between the sides of the camp, all the while completely unaware that I know of his every move."
"So you know who it is, then?" I asked, hoping my father was just trying to frighten me.
"Not quite, but I know who does." My father said in a tone that made me uneasy.
He then slapped me across the face so hard I fell to my knees and into the mud and my mouth filled with blood. I looked up at my father with shock, for some reason I never expected him to ever hit me himself.
"Now, my dear, if you can just tell me who is helping the prisoners sneak around this camp, I will let you walk away unharmed," he said threateningly. He looked unhinged, his eyes were wild, and because of the cold I could see that he was breathing heavily like a bull about to charge.
"I don't know anything," I growled.
My father knelt down next to me, "I do believe John may be at great risk if you do not tell me."
My eyes went wide with horror, "Leave him alone!" I shouted.
"I heard he is getting quite ill. I'm not sure he is of any use to me anymore," He spat.
I shook my head, "You wouldn't."
My father stood and looked down at me like a bug he planned to grind into dust. "Never underestimate me," he replied.
"Don't do this," I pleaded, my steady demeanor came crumbling.
"Beth, just tell me who is helping you," My father demanded.
I shook my head "I don't know. I promise," I said. My voice wavered through the sobs and I hoped it covered any hint of a lie in my voice.
My father spun around with another wild look on his face, "Don't lie to me!" He shouted, his voice echoing through the air.
I flinched slightly by reflex. I didn't trust Rolf yet, but he had not given me just cause to give him over to the wrath of my father just yet. "Why don't you just kill me? I know that's what you really want. Quit being a coward and just do it!" I spat blood at him. I wasn't confident that he wouldn't simply pull out his gun and shoot me through the skull, but I had no other defense. I knew I had sworn to stay alive for John, but if my death eased my father's blood lust even a bit, I would sacrifice myself without hesitation.
"Oh no, dear. That would be far too easy," my father replied, taking out his handkerchief and calmly cleaning the blood off his face.
"Then do it!" I yelled, "If it's so easy then just shoot me. I'm sure someone else can help you with what you are looking for. Besides, you have already told everyone I'm dead."
My father stood in front of me and stared at me as though I were the mad one. He took a moment to formulate another excuse. "You said you wanted nothing to do with me. Besides, people were asking questions," My father replied calmly.
"You mean you didn't want to tell your officers that you put your wife and child in the labor camp that you were commandant of? Why, for heaven's sake, not tell people the truth if you aren't ashamed?" I asked, anger resonating from my voice.
My father grabbed me, pulled me to my feet and held me by the arms. "I did not put you in this place, you did that yourself," My father yelled, and then threw me back into the cold mud.
"Then why say I'm dead if all of this is my fault?" I asked bitterly.
My father turned his back on me and said, "Because I don't want anyone to know my daughter and wife were traitorous Jewish sympathizers." My father shook his head and sighed, "I wish I didn't have to treat you this way Beth."
"You don't care about me, you never really did. All you care about is power and control, I was just collateral damage," I spoke blatantly, hoping to catch him off guard with some of the reality he had clearly drifted from.
"You know that isn't true," He replied indignantly.
"Then prove it," I said.
My father faced me and then asked, "How?"
"Leave John alone. I will do whatever you want, but leave John alone," I replied.
My father seemed sickened by the idea of sparing John's life, but he then nodded and said. "Fine, but you will come work for me twice a week."
I nodded in agreement. I felt like I had just made a deal with the devil, but I had no choice. I couldn't turn Rolf in and I couldn't risk John's life. As long as he did what he could to protect John, I would do what I could to protect Rolf.
"Fine." I said.
My father knelt down to me and wiped away some of the mud on my face. "But don't think I won't find out who's helping you, there are others I can question and other tactics I plan on using to get the information that I need. Whoever you're protecting will die, whether it's you who tells me, or someone else."
"You're a weak man afraid of being defied because someone in this place is giving out hope in this hell and that scares you more than anything." My words shocked even me, but I needed him to know how much I hated him.
"And you're a foolish child trying to get herself killed. It seems as though you may have a secret admirer, and his devotion to you will cost him his life." My father glared down at me in the mud, "Believe it or not my foolish child, I am trying to protect you and I don't need a rogue soldier's help."
"He's done more for me than you ever have," I replied through gritted teeth.
"Fredrick, take this prisoner back to the barracks!" My father shouted, and the young man appeared behind him and grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the mud, "And keep an eye on her," He said.
The guard pulled me roughly behind him and my father simply turned his back and calmly walked away.