Someone That Changed Me Forever
"Awww! Such a lovely story," Nick said while looking directly into my eyes.
I just smile then bring a sip of coffee in my lips. "Really?"
"Yeah. I know you Nat as a great man and how you describe your story to me, that woman is really something. He changed you." This time Nick is the one who smiles.
I can't help myself but to smile as I remembers her. Up to this day, I can't still bring her name out of my lips. It is still so fresh like yesterday.
"How long have you been married?"
"If you will include our first vow, four years. But three years of those, we spent it away from each other. Sometimes I thought if really those years were worth it? If not of those, I will never become who I am. But if only I know how our love would end so soon, I rather be with her."
Nick just nods at me knowingly and understandably. Ever since Juliana's passing, I tried to distance myself to people – especially those who are witness to the way and how we love each other. I even distance myself to my daughter because she really looks like Juliana. Estelle and David is the one who takes good care of her. During those times that I am down, I rarely home and I drown myself at work just to forget. During those moments, Nick Adamson, my new business partner and friend who happens to be a president of Real Times Magazine became my confidante. He often invite me over a cup of coffee just to talk about anything and he will just listen. At first, it is so hard, and I often cry, and I fight every urge to alcohol. So I just cry and cry, and then later on, I decided to open up. For three years that we are talking, at some point, it lifts a heavy weight in my chest.
"Nat, there's nothing to regret when you know that what you are doing is all with love. Remember how that particular time changed you. And Julie is all support on you. She is proud."
After a short silent moment, he said again, "How about this, when you are ready, you write your story with her. Just fill every empty pages of your diary with every memories of her. You don't need to forget someone as beautiful as the love you had had. You do it not only for you Nat. You also do it for Julienne. She deserves to know a lovely mom as hers." Nick gives me again a warm smile. That signature smile that always gives me assurance that I have a friend and I am not alone.
"Thanks Bro," I tell him.
"Always," Nick said again truthfully.
Truly, Juliana changed me. I will never love someone as true and lovely as her and as the love that we had had. For me, there is just this one person that will forever change you and you cannot return anymore. When I bow to the Lord to love her, it is always been her and even death will forever part, my love for her will never stop.
Today, I decided to go home in my empty condo in Washington. Without my family, it doesn't feel home. More of an empty cellar.
I go straight to my room and there are our pictures together. I also have several pictures of my daughter growing up. Then I found our first sonogram picture of my daughter. I can still remember the first time we ever know we will gonna have her.
24th August 2008, Sunday
I woke up with Juliana no longer by my side, but I here sounds of someone emptying her stomach in the bathroom.
"Hon!," I called out as I approach her. I can't help but to worry when I see her crouching on the toilet bowl, with her messy hair almost covering her face and she is throwing up like forever, but there is no puke. Only gastric juices. I came to her aid as I gather her hair and rub her back gently.
"It's gonna be fine," I whisper as I kiss the top of her head.
After she's done, I pass her a glass of water and ibuprofen. After drinking meds, Juliana get her timetable where she monitors her period.
"Hon," she said, "I am 5 days delayed." She said that while looking at my eyes."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I think with should go get check with the doctor right after church?"
That afternoon, she test positive, being a week pregnant.
"So I'll gonna be a Dad?" I ask her and the doctor with tears welling up my eyes.
"Yeah. That would be the case," Says Melissa Stewart, her gynecologist. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Villarta. You'll be parents!"
With that, I hugs Juliana as we both cry in happiness.
~At Dinner~
That night, Estelle, David, their daughters Millie and Cassie, Franz, Michigan, Alfred and Sophia, gather on Baxter's humble abode in North Carolina as Juliana and I host a dinner gathering.
"Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for coming here today in spite of very short notice," I say as Juliana and I are both standing up on the head of the dinner table, while everybody in the family are all sitting down. My right arm is encircling around Juliana's waist and I looks as at her lovingly.
"Spill it!" Alfred cheers in a very funny tone.
"We're pregnant! – For a week!" Juliana exclaimed happily, as she shows them the very first sonogram picture of our baby.
"Thank God!," David and Estelle both said as they kiss and hug Juliana and I.
"Before we have dinner, I just want to say something for first time parents here," David said as he gestures everyone to be seated first. "Julie and Nathan, we are happy. Estelle and I. We love you both." He said as he smiles while looking at us." I know that as a kid, you both have no real experience with your mother and father – at least a happy experience that a normal child could have, but I trust you both that as you keep on growing with your relationship with the Lord, you will treasure each other and work together to be the best version of parents you could ever be. As Christ treasures the church, he also wants us to give high regards for the family. And also, as we grow in Christ that the fruit of the Holy Spirit in us became evident, your love for each other as you grow your relationship, also now have fruit and that is your child. It would be a challenging but a most fulfilling journey. May the Lord bless you and have a happy family forever."
"Thanks David," I said as I squeeze Juliana closer and everyone claps their hands.
"Love you Dad, and Aunt Estelle, and the girls," Juliana said.
"Okay, kids," Estelle utters. "As I congratulate this young couple here, please let me do the honor to pray, Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for a new life that you had given us in the identity of Nathan and Julie's child. We thank you for Juliana and Nathaniel's dedication to grow in your love. May you bless their family according to your will, as well as all the young couples here, and my family as well. And please do help us to love you with all our hearts, with all our minds, with all our soul and with all our strengths, and as we grow in that love, teach us to love each other, as well, in the context of your truth, as we love our own selves. May you bless the food that we will share tonight and let us remember that it is you who have given us opportunity to experience these blessings as we comfort our stomachs with warm food. May you guide us with your Spirit and let your Grace and peace be upon us always. This is all we pray, in Jesus mighty name, Amen!"
11th September 2008, Thursday
"Hon, Happy 25th Birthday," I whisper to her ears as I kiss her cheeks. Juliana is still fast asleep with a big smile on her beautiful face. I kiss her again.
"Happy Birthday Nathan," she murmurs as she kiss me on the lips.
That day, we spend our time cuddling by the beach while reading God's word, meditating and talking to each other like normal couples, and just like my old tradition, I give her a miniature jet plane.
"Thank you Nathan. I am happy. Really. I love you," she said as she puts her head to my shoulder and yawn.
I play with her hands.
"I always love you," I said as I kiss the sleeping Juliana.
24th December 2008, Wednesday
"Happy Thanks Giving!" we all said as all of us cheers with our glasses of grape juice.
A while ago, on the church, David preach that Jesus main purpose on earth is not to save us from Satan or hell, but to save us from our sins.
"As we celebrate the season of Christmas, all of the whole world are all looking forward for exchange gifts, Christmas Parties, Christmas Bonus and long holidays. However, it is very rare for us to remember the real meaning of Christmas in God's perspective and the great story of redemption behind, which is the real essence of this season. What we know is that we are just celebrating and commemorating the birth of Christ," he said.
"But have we ever ask why really Christ was born?
Well, there is a very interesting truth behind that which can be found in Matthew 1:
20But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."
Meaning to say, Jesus was born in order to save us, not from hell nor from Satan, but from our Sins – this same sin is what separates us from God.
Jesus is the Word of God and is God. He was with God from the very beginning. Without Him, nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life and that life was the light to all people who are in darkness. And the Bible says that this same Word became flesh (in the person of Jesus) and we behold His glory as that of the only begotten of the Father, full of Grace and Truth (John 1).
What is this truth? The truth here is that we are sinners and that no one is righteous before God. Not even one (Romans 3:10). For all have sinned and fall short from the glory of God (Romans 3:23). And the Bible is clear that the wages of our sin is death (when we say death, we now know that it is not only physical death but an eternal separation from God). However, this does not end there, because the free gift of God is eternal life through the coming of Jesus Christ. Jesus came to bridge the gap between us and God that sin made. How?
Jesus came to preach us the Gospel of God's Righteousness that will lead people to Repentance as what the prophet Jeremiah says in the Book of Jeremiah Chapter 23 : 5"The days are coming," declares the LORD, "when I will raise up for David a righteous Branch, a King who will reign wisely and do what is just and right in the land. 6In his days Judah will be saved and Israel will live in safety. This is the name by which he will be called: The LORD Our Righteous Savior.
What is this Gospel of Righteousness? Simply put, the Righteousness of God simply means that whatever sin we commit deserves a punishment because God is a just and righteous God and His love for us is equivalent to His justice, and the moral law is His law. However, God did not want His children to suffer wrath. Thus so, God, in His righteousness did not remove the verdict of death on our sins, but in His faithfulness provides us a way out (Isaiah 16:5), and the same way as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, (when Israel sinned against God in the wilderness) even so must the Son of Man be lifted up: (John 3:14; Numbers 21)
That whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:15-16)
In what way does Jesus accomplished this thing? Remember the story of the Samaritan Woman who gave Jesus water to drink in John 4? After meeting Jesus the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?"
That is Jesus's way in bringing us back to the Father. He will first show us the real condition of our life and its real standing before God, the same way He revealed to the Samaritan woman the real condition of her life before God. This same revelation is what will lead us to true repentance. In fact, the very first public word of Jesus is "Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is near. (Matthew 4:17)."
Now, the question is what would be our response? If we choose to believe Jesus as our Lord and Saviour, accepting that we are also sinners is a must, for Jesus came for that very same reason. Repentance will also come next. This three, believing, accepting and repenting are all package deal.
Accepting that we are sinners is also same as accepting the fact that the life we are living is not fitted to the life that God wants us to live and we are now making a decision to completely leave that life, which now lead us to the Way of the Cross.
Why the Cross? Well, the answer is simply because this is where Christ died in order to save us. When the right time finally comes, He was crucified, died, and was buried. He is completely without sin but He became sin for us, as the most holy and perfect sacrifice. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.(2 Corinthians 5:21)
The good news is, He never stayed as dead. In fact, He rose again the third day (1 Corinthians 15:1-4), and the power of the resurrection of Christ is what gives us hope and faith today that one day we will also be raised up with Him, only if we believe and accept Jesus and repent completely from our past sins and continue walking our life with God for the rest of our lives afterwards.
Undergoing the way of the Cross is same as in Galatians 2:20, For I am crucified with Christ. It is not I who lives but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith to the Son of God, wo loves me and gave Himself for me.
Repentance is a 180 degree turning around from sin and looking unto Jesus as the author and perfecter of our faith.
Hebrews 12 explains it this way :
12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
12:3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
12:4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
12:5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
12:6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
12:7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
12:8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
12:9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
12:10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12:12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
12:13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Meaning, completely surrendering is accepting first that we are sinners, then repent. When the Word of God says repent, that is throwing every single sin that easily entangles our lives and hinders us from coming to God. After that, submit to the Lord's discipline (discipling) for the Lord is clear that those whom He loves, He rebukes and discipline until such time that the righteousness of God has become mature in us and is now became our lives . You see, if people see the holiness of God through you, we give them a hope to have also a share in this life that we have - the life of Christ in us. If people do not see the holiness and righteousness of God among us, the Word is clear, without holiness, no one will see the Lord.
To be crucify with Christ means surrendering our life bits by bits until such time that the fullness of Christ will now be complete into our lives.
What will happen afterwards is for all of us to find out because it would now be our individual journey with the Lord."
After that heartwarming message from David, we all gather for a meal.
However, in spite of a very happy occasion, I notice that Juliana is not feeling well. "Love," I said, "Are you okay? You have been seek for a while and you are always tired?"
By that time, David and Estelle also notice my predicament and they also turned their gaze to Juliana worriedly.
Juliana reaches for my hand and squeeze it so tightly. "It is probably the pregnancy hormones," she said reassuringly with a smile. "I will just get water," she said, but as she stands up, her legs give up and she blacks out. "Juliana!" I exclaimed as I grabs her before she even met the floor.
That night is the worst day of my life because she was diagnosed with very late stage of lupus. With her pregnancy, Juliana did not get the necessary medication and on the night of May the 7th, 2009, we rushed her to the hospital for emergency labor, 2 weeks early before her due date and three weeks early before our wedding anniversary.
"You have to choose now, Mr. Villarta," the doctor said, "before we lose both of them."
With tears now welling up my eyes, I turn my gaze to David and Estelle. Estelle is crying her heart out while David is just silent, but I can see the sorrow in his eyes that is piercing my soul. I look to the floor as I silently question God why?
However, knowing Juliana, she would probably save the baby, so for the last time, I choose to do the thing that will make her happy. May the 8th, 2008, at 12:10am, my lovely daughter, Julienne Amelia Escalante Villarta was born as a healthy baby.
That time, I still able to place her in Juliana's arms while my wife is in coma. I squeezes her hand while I whisper in her ears the words that makes her press my hand and I know that in her heart she is peaceful and happy – the words that makes my heart crumbles. "What a lovely daughter. Thank you my wife. I love you. We are now okay and I won't let you down in taking care of her. You are fine now. My lovely wife. Till we met again."
That was her last moment.
After her passing, I was so crushed and I turn away from people. During those times, I met Nick as our new EIC in Readers Time and he always initiate on talking to me.
Without Nick, I probably lost it. It is addition to the fact that Julienne was diagnosed with Autism consequently or her premature birth. It really breaks my heart that time, and I wonder why God is silent.
For three whole years, I became distant to everyone, especially to my daughter because I only remembers Juliana with her. During those times, I spent all my days in Washington. I finished a book 'The Great Frontier: From Story to History and a song entitled to Julie. I still write on my column 'Beyond the Borders,' but deep inside I am empty.
July 4th 2011 when Ryan was dismissed in the marines after a spending his time fighting the terrorist. He was sent home with a limping leg resulted by previous ambushed.
"I miss you," I tell him as I embraces my brother. "I am sorry about Julie," he replied. With that, I cried hard in his shoulders. That time, I feel like the one who is a child being robbed of his precious candy.
"I miss her," I tell him.
"We all do," he said.
Having Ryan with my side, it ease my emotions a bit. He also is the one who convinces me to go to Church again. I ask him if he already forgives Dad. He said that he still not. Forgiveness takes time, but he wants to find peace in his heart and he found it in God. I just nod. At that time, my brother also announces his engagement with Nadine Arizona and his appointment as a Cruise Captain in our ship line company.
They married later that year at November 21st.
I was being awaken from my memories when I received an email from Juliana. It was sent the day before he died and scheduled to receive only today.
Dearest Nathan,
How are you my love? By the time you have read this, I am probably be in the Lord's arms. I hope you are okay as well as our daughter. I always love you both.
I hope that you are not mad at God my dear. Everything happens for God's purpose. All we have to do is to trust Him and submit ourselves to God's plan. Please remember these words from James 1:2-4 consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I understood that my life is already about to be poured out, I finally understood that my purpose was finished – that I know that I was sent by God for you, and now that you were found by God, my job is done.
Death will just separates us Nathan temporarily, but not forever. Make it your goal to have your life glorifying to the Lord, and one day, we will see again. I will wait for you on the other side.
I love you.
Love,
Juliana.
With that, I cannot help but to smile in spite of the tears in my eyes. Even in her last moments, her life is still all about me. That time, I look up to heaven again. "I am sorry Lord if I let you down . . ."
That same day, I went home in Carolina, and reconciled with Juliana's family, and for the very first time, I hug my daughter. "I love you cherry," I said as I kisses her head.
At the corner of my eyes, I see Estelle and David hugging each other while admiring my daughter and I's loving moments.
"We missed you boy," David said as they both join our hug. Juliana's two sisters joins us as well.
The rest of the two following years became blurry and fast. Dad sent my mom's locket to me, revealing that my lost mom is no other than my governess. Also, he sent me, Ryan, and Julienne an invitation to his home in the Philippines.
~
-Back to Present-
After a week in Washington and a week without my daughter, I go back again to Dad.
To my surprise, I found Ryan, Dad and Julienne happily watching movie in our Sala.
"Nat!" Ryan and dad exclaimed happily. I wonder what happened right at the moment that I left the three to bond the previous week. Ryan seems mad at Dad still at the time.
I blinks my eyes then joins them. "I miss you boys," Dad said as I sit between him and my daughter, while Ryan is on his other side in the sofa. For the very first time, I see Dad smiling. Ryan also and Julienne as well.
Dinah, my mom, joins us later with snacks. She just winks at me knowingly.
"What happened here," I ask Ryan.
"Me and Dad decided to just forget the past behind and live happily," he simply answered as he taps Dad's shoulder.
"Uhm," Dad said as he clears his throat. "I want to apologize Nathaniel."
"Why?"
"I thought that my method of disciplining you both boys is for the best, but I soon do realize that it help us no good. I realized it too late, when both of you left me behind. You are my only sons and life is just too short to waist our moments that supposed to be together," he said with teary eyes as he looks in my eyes.
I just hug Dad. "I am sorry too," I said.
That very moment, I really believe that there is God who is watching over me, love me, and heal me. Thank you Lord.