The old hinges creak loudly as I pull the bathroom door open. Brad stands in front of me, his face tortured with what I detect could only be regret. Not regret for what could have been, but for what happened in our past that led us to feel these feelings in the first place. And I realise, just like me, he holds on to his anguish like it is the last food on the planet despite it being a poisonous apple.
We have never talked about this before, not since that Valentine's day a few years back when I had to tell him it was over between us. Ever since then, so much has happened in both of our lives that we were too afraid to revisit the past. Moving on just seemed the better option, especially for me.
Brad met my sister Krissy during a span of time when she and I were living apart, in which they formed a bond of trust that exceeds even what Brad and I ever had. And in that few months, I isolated myself with my heartbreak while Brad healed his heart with the forming love that he had for my sister.
As much as the people in my life thought I should—especially Karlie—I never detested him for it. Because it is not betrayal I felt, but envy. I envy how quickly he was able to move on from such a tragedy, whilst I suffered for so long. But even so, I am happy for him. Happy that he's found his own happiness. I don't want him to be miserable because of me. Even if it felt like a slap in the face when I found out it is my own sister that he's found his happy ever after with.
It took me a while but, eventually, I was able to move on with my life.
"If I could go back to that night, you know I would in a heartbeat," Brad now says in front of me.
How many times in the past did I wish to hear these exact words coming out of his mouth? Now, it just feels wrong. Trying my best to hide my emotions, I pass him in the doorway and walk to the kitchen to get myself a drink, though I am not thirsty.
Unfortunately, Brad follows behind me. He patters on without pity. "If I just knew how you felt the whole time we were apart, I wouldn't have—"
"Wouldn't have what?" I whirled to face him. "Wouldn't have met Krissy? Fall in love with her? Is that what you were going to say? Because if I could go back, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Except that I slept with you."
Brad flinches, but I am relentless. A gate has been opened, I am unable to stop the words from tumbling out. "I never loved you, Brad. Can't you understand that? It was a dumb mistake that we did ONCE while I was drunk. To be honest with you, I don't even remember anything about that stupid night." I scoff to add to the effect. I can see how my words are affecting him—each word I say seems like another snipped string of our friendship—but I cannot let him keep believing there was anything more between us. Not now that I know he's the only person that has ever stolen my sister's heart.
So I go on. "So don't kid yourself into believing we could have been more, alright? You love Krissy, so just deal with the relationship you have with her and stop trying to fix the past because there was nothing you could have done to change anything. Can we please just move on and never talk about this again?"
Hurt crosses his face before he wipes it off. "Is that really what you want?"
I nod.
Before either of us can say anything more, the front door to the apartment bursts open and Ash and Karlie stumbles inside. Karlie is donning her carefree smile as per usual, but Ash, I notice, looks to be annoyed at something.
"You guys done filling your buckets?" Karlie asks as she sits down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter.
"Oh crap, forgot the bathroom one." I slap the side of my head excessively so they don't notice the tension brewing between Brad and me.
Brad fixes me a look but doesn't say anything more about our conversation as he moves to the bathroom. "I'll do it," he utters.
Ash and Karlie don't know jack about the history between Brad and me, but I think Ash might sense that there is something more going on. His eyes follow Brad as he walks to the bathroom, then they turn to appraise me.
"What happened?" I ask if only to distract him.
"What do you mean?" Karlie asks.
I eye Ash meaningfully, implying that I noticed his annoyed look as they entered the apartment a minute ago.
"It's nothing," Ash says quickly.
Karlie doesn't say anything, which bothers me even more. It's rare that I find Karlie with nothing to say.
"Aiden, have you finished packing your things? When do you have to leave for the airport?" Karlie finally asks after a moment of silence.
I sense that she might be trying to steer the subject elsewhere—as I have just done—but I let her. Whatever it is they're hiding from me, I'll find out if I am meant to. Either Karlie wants me to know, or she doesn't. In which case, I won't pry. That's the simplified structure of my relationship with her. Respecting each other's privacies is something we've learned quite early whilst living on the streets. Not everyone wants to share their whole life story, and it's really none of anyone's business anyway.
I check the time on my phone. "Uh, in about an hour or so."
Karlie heaves. "Still can't believe you'll be abandoning me in this shitty town with these shitty people."
Ash clears his throat conspicuously.
"Except you, of course, my baby Ashy," Karlie coos at him. She's had a crush on Ash for as long as they've known each other. But I don't think he's had any clue about it.
Men can be so clueless. I internally sigh at my verdict.
My thoughts cannot help but stray to my own current circumstance, one of much tragic as well. For it has been over a month since my breakup with Jean-Carlos and he's never failed to send messages nearly everyday, and has left me miss calls every two. No matter that I never once gave him the sign that I might feel for him as he feels for me. Am I monster for helping him put that regard in as the truth, for making him believe there is more? Other than the simple fact that he was only a two months distraction. Initially, coming into the relationship, I had hopes that perhaps I might start to feel something serious as I got to know him. Boy was I wrong.
For a fact that remains unknown to pretty much everyone else other than me, Jean-Carlos is as much a gentleman as I am a purple-horned dinosaur. I learned it the first time he tried to manipulate me into giving him what all men want. Of course, having lived on the streets, I've long ago learned to take care of myself, especially in regards to men with appetites as ancient as men themselves. At first, I couldn't believe what he was doing, and I made excuses for him as much as I could. Until Karlie found out.
Not long after, I broke up with him.
Presently, Ash comes to sit next to me on the futon. "Did you know you have a new neighbour?" he tells me.
"Really? In which unit?"
"I don't know, but we saw a man carrying boxes in the stairwell. A bad night to be moving in I guess, what with the power off. The elevator would have helped that process." He chuckled. "But honestly, the power AND the water out on the same night? Has this ever happened before?"
I shrugged. "The rent's pretty cheap."
"Yeah, but they could at least alternate nights or something. You know, you should tell your sister to check out my apartment building. It's much better and honestly not that much more expensive."
"Your apartment's on the other side of town, Ash. It's way too far for Krissy to commute."
"Not really. What's fifteen minutes if you don't have to suffer like this."
"And anyway, it's not 'not that much more expensive'." I give him a knowing look. "It's like—what?—a grand more than ours?"
Ash comes from a very wealthy family, you see. With ancestors that can be traced to the Tzars or something crazy like that. I didn't pay much attention when our group was forcing him to open up about his family background.
Ash chuckles. "Or you can always come live with me when you come back from Egypt. Y'know—if things don't work out with you and Krissy."
Did I just mishear him? I watch him closely in the dim glow of our emergency light. If my eyes aren't mistaken, there seems to be a flush creeping up his neck.
Karlie—finished with reorganising the clothes in my suitcase—comes out of nowhere and makes both Ash and I jump. "Whatchu guys talkin' about?"