I woke up about an hour after my nap, feeling a lot better than before.
I went to go find Sasha but she wasn't in her office, so I went back to my room to be alone with just my thoughts.
I wasn't sad anymore and I definitely didn't want to hurt myself, but my mind went to a really crazy place.
Just out of pure curiosity.
If I were to be killed by something of my choice, I would want to be killed a natural disaster. It'd be a terrible death yes, but no mal intent behind the murder.
Maybe I'd choose to be struck by lightning during a beautiful thunderstorm or sucked in by a very large tornado.
I don't know why I'm thinking about my rare, tragic, and untimely death, but the concept of death is just so interesting.
We know so little about it.
Did you come back? Were you sent somewhere else? Do you just not exist? Do you stay alive and aware, being unable to move, speak, breathe, hear, or communicate while you wither away?
No one knew. Not even now with all of our advanced knowledge.
It was crazy how we could literally figure out what happened eons in the past, know exactly how we were conceived, and trace our ancestors down to the very first person with 100% accuracy, but we had no way to determine what was going to happen in the next few minutes. We can predict the future, but we can never really be sure if our predictions were true unless they already happened and have been recorded.
Being right about what happens in the future by knowing a pattern of something that's always happening, like the whether, is not predicting the future. It's just knowing a pattern.
If so many people have died already though, then how come we don't know what happens when we die. And why haven't we found a way to prevent it?
Do we not want to prevent it?
I know, I know. I'm not supposed to be thinking about this, but how could I not? Death was a mystery that has been studied for years upon years, but it's also something that we still know little about.
Human ignorance is interesting, though very sad.
Human history is also very interesting. . . Especially since we know how the world actually began. We now know all about interdimensional travel, though humans have yet to accomplish it, and we know about the celestial war that's been going on for eons.
There were still tons for us to discover and even some things that our brains weren't ready to digest yet, but even so, humanity was going through a slow ethical change.
They believed that they were superior, yes I'm excluding myself, so once they found out that there were billions of superior beings who knew trillions of more information than they did... there was some chaos.
Humans tried to keep the status of #1 that was never theirs to begin with.
I never really understood why any of that mattered, being number one, but everyone seemed to crave the rank.
I only know of one person who is so down to earth and knowledgeable that they don't overplay their achievements, they teach only those who are seeking knowledge, and they are very generous.
His name is Malhadura.
Malhadura is my inspiration.
On my way to my room after I decided to drop out of school, I told myself that I'd be the one to seek Malhadura and I'd be the student he chooses to teach.
I actually really want to learn and find out what my ability is.
I want to be able to show Vulcan and Violet what I am able to do.
I do not want to clean bathrooms.
Malhadura releases podcast often, but no one knows where he is. I listened to every single one of his podcast at least three times already. Sasha doesn't let me listen to his podcast, so i'd sneak out to an open field and play his words of wisdom.
Malhadura is one of 6 of Sasha siblings. I only found that out last year after learning that Sasha was also related to the Giant Goddess Anja.
I don't know what Anja, Malhadura, or any of Sasha's other siblings look like, but this year I am hoping to finally meet Malhadura by taking my future into my own hands and going on a journey to find my role model.
Hopefully when we meet he can make me his protege.
I went outside and sat down on a hill near the edge of my town. I noticed the sky becoming dimmer. The clouds becoming a beautiful and thick mix of oranges and pinks that was paired with a just as attractive purples and blues.
"I love being out during the sunset."
"The beauty of the sky transitioning from light to dark was the perfect metaphor for how no one was just a single thing. A condensed and superficial personality.
Dark or light, the sky was the sky. Changed or stagnant, the sky was the sky. The sun set differently depending on who was watching and where they were, but a sunset is a sunset nonetheless.
A person isn't only nice. A person isn't only smart.
A person can be the nicest person to you and someone else's bully.
We are not a fixed characteristic.
We are dynamic and ever changing." the recording played in my head. His words were my exact thoughts.
I loved Malhadura. He was so down to earth and rooted.
I learned so much from him, and though we've never met, every time I played his podcast while being with myself outside, I felt like he was talking just to me.
I felt like. . . Every time I'd hear his words in my ear, they were designed for whatever stage in my life or day I was in.
Even now, I was watching the sunset and thinking about who I was.
I think I'll miss Sasha. . . But i've decided to go find Malhadura. I'd leave after packing a bag with enough food to last a week and bring seeds just incase my venture is longer than that.
There wouldn't be any more metal rooms and testing, no more camps, and no more isolation.
I could stop being watched. . . Hopefully.
I'd be able to breathe without someone controlling it.