Chereads / The colorful death / Chapter 17 - The future? Probably

Chapter 17 - The future? Probably

I was pacing, my thoughts swirling inside my head and my heart in my throat. The last hour felt like one nightmare after another. Seeing Eztli lying on the floor was just the beginning of the horror that my day has turned into. But seeing the smudges of red on Noah's hair and the circle of blood forming on his shirt, it was simply too much, because just as it seemed as if though everything was returning back to normal, only for something like that to happen, it truly felt like some cosmic deity had something against us. The minute I tried to shut my eyes to look away from Eztli's body and Noah lying on the floor with Ethan trying to shake him awake, I could hear Ethan's cries again and I knew that would become another memory for my nightmares to feed on, just to keep me awake.

I couldn't even begin to imagine what Ethan was going through and I had no idea how to help no matter how badly I wanted to.

I walked towards the room that Noah was being held in after the surgery and noticed Ethan slumped in a chair, his eyes red rimmed and his lips bleeding in a few places. I sat down next to him and looked towards the bed that Noah was sleeping on. He was alright, the doctors said so themselves, but he needed his rest and they told us that we could come and see him, but only if we would let him sleep. I put my hand on Ethan's shoulder and he turned towards me and leaned slightly into the touch, I could feel him shaking, trying to hold back the tears. I stood up and wordlessly pulled him into the hug, feeling him burry his nose in the crook of my neck, sobs shaking his body, his arms around my neck and mine around his waist. Once the sobs have quieted down and he was only shaking, I urged him to breathe with me, like Noah had advised me to do during the attack. Ethan had gradually calmed down, but I could still see the panic and the worry in his eyes. He hung onto me for a few more moments before letting go and sitting back down, trying to look at me, but I could still see his eyes flickering over to Noah. I looked at Ethan and saw him biting his nails, and under different circumstances I would tell him to stop, but I knew that he needed a distraction, even if it created pain. He turned in his chair, angled his body towards mine, even if just so he didn't have to look at the man lying on the bed, not knowing how he was.

I tried to catch his eyes, but it was obvious he didn't want that. He kept looking out the window, giving up on biting his nails and instead dropped his hands in his lap, picking at his skin. I felt it necessary to start the conversation, because it was obvious he wouldn't, even if he had something to talk about 'What is it? You know I'm here if you want to talk right?' he nodded, his eyes still avoiding mine, and I could see that he was trying to find the right words. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, but he finally gathered the courage to speak up. 'I- I need to tell you something, I have no idea how you'll react, or I have a bit of an idea, but… I just need to get it out of my system, and I feel like you'd be the only one that could really understand this right now.' I merely nodded, knowing better than to interrupt him, it wouldn't do well for him if I did. He took a deep breath and then started again, 'When I saw Noah in front of me, in that courtroom, in the first second, when he asked me if I was ok, with his hand on my cheek and his eyes full of worry, for a moment, just for a moment, I let myself believe that everything was alright. Aar-Eztli was dead, and as much as I didn't want that to happen, as much as I know that's going to haunt my dreams, I couldn't let him hurt anyone else, it was as simple as that, really. But then Noah ran a hand through his hair, and I saw the blood and when he fell down, I couldn't believe it, the fact that it still wasn't over, the fact that even after everything we've been through, this still wasn't the end. In that moment, I don't know what I was feeling, but mostly just emptiness and such desperation and sadness, and I couldn't handle it and I don't know if I can ever feel that way again and be fine and walk away from it. Because I've felt that way too many times in my life to get over it again. What I'm trying to say here Juliet, and failing so badly at it too, is, I know I've only known him for less than a week and all that, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like so much more. Maybe it was because he was the leading detective on my case or something, I don't know, but I…' he took a deep breath again, his eyes flickered to Noah again and then back to me. 'I like him. Like, really like him, and I know you'll probably call me crazy or something or, say I shouldn't, or I don't know what else. And I know that if Stone found out it wouldn't be good, at all. But I can't get rid of the feeling and it's suffocating me in a way, and I know I probably won't ever tell him because of his job and because, I don't know, I don't know what to do anymore, how to continue anymore, I'll probably just say goodbye to him like a normal person would and wait for it all to go away. It usually works so… alright that's it from my side. Please say something Jules?'

I blinked and tried to take it all in. Not the fact that Ethan liked Noah, I knew that the day they met each other, what surprised me more was that Ethan didn't or couldn't see how hopelessly in love Noah was with him. But I understood where he was coming from, especially the part with Stone and not being able to handle something like that again. His life had been hard enough as it was, but now this as well… I shook my head, trying to form a coherent sentence. 'I've got a few things to say. First of all: I know you like Noah. I knew it pretty much since the very beginning, the way you looked at him and just every moment you spent around each other, you were happier, both of you. Second of all: lieutenant Stone. I- look, I'm not even going to pretend I like him or know him, because I don't. he played a part in saving us and for that I'll be grateful. But his worldview may not be the best, I definitely agree with you there. The problem with him is you just can't change some people's minds. The only thing you can do is try and educate them, or introduce them to things they didn't know about, try to show them the world in a way you see it. And sometimes it's one of the hardest things in the world; changing someone's mind, their perspective of things. It's the way they grew up, the way they were thought and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't change that. And I really don't know how to solve that problem. Maybe talk with Noah once he wakes up? Ask him if he's got any ideas on the issue? As for the third thing. I can't even begin to understand what you're going through right now, but I know what it was like to see Noah lying on the floor like that, no idea what will happen to him. That I understand. And not being able to see something like that again and just be ok because people might expect you to be? No one, and I mean no one, has any right to tell you what you can and cannot feel or how you should act when something like this happens. Because no one is ready for something like this to happen to them. It's not something you just learn in school. No one can prepare you for something like this. But one thing I do know? Noah likes you and he cares about you, more than you know. Hell probably more than he knows himself. I only see one solution here. Tell him. I know. I know it's scary and terrifying and not knowing what his reaction might be is even scarier. But you have a right to try. Everyone does. And above that, and above all else, you deserve to be happy. You know this, even if you might not want to admit it to yourself. After everything, you deserve to be happy. So, this is my advice to you: talk to him. You just might be surprised with what you'll find out. And if you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away.' I got up, squeezed his hand and then left the room, with a silent goodbye to Noah.

I closed the door behind me and headed towards Rose who was sitting in her wheelchair in the hallway. She smirked at me and raised her eyebrows as I sat down next to her. 'So?' I looked at her confused. 'So, what?' she rolled her eyes and looked towards Noah's room. 'So, did they get together yet?' I chuckled, so I wasn't the only one that noticed all the not-so-subtle touches and heart eyes between the two of them then. I shook my head as I looked towards Noah's room again. 'Nah, not yet.' She groaned at that, 'But Ethan at least realized he likes him, I'm calling that an improvement' I continued and settled more comfortably in my chair. This is probably going to last a while. I was already at Tim's room and he was doing better than two days ago. They said he is going to be allowed to go home in a week and a half and I was happy to hear that, as was he. As for Ethan and Noah… I had no idea how they were going to sort out the things between them, but I knew they were going to be alright.

---

Ethan was sitting next to Noah's bed when he heard a groan coming from his right and whipped his head so fast he was pretty sure he could've broken his neck. He got up slowly however, he still didn't want to scare Noah or make him move too much, he didn't know how bad his injuries were exactly. He moved so that he was half standing, half kneeling next to his bed, when Noah finally opened his eyes and looked at him and Ethan got reminded once again how much he loved to look into Noah's eyes. Caramel orbs with little flickers of gold if the sun shined into them just right. And not just the colours, he missed seeing the feelings in Noah's eyes as well. The way his eyes lit up when he smiled and laughed and darkened when provoked or angry. Right now, Noah's eyes had confusion, with a bit of worry and… fondness? Ethan didn't know what to call the last emotion displaying in Noah's eyes, but he knew he was happy to see him awake again. Noah's eyelids then fluttered, and he raised himself up, his fingertips brushing against Ethan's cheeck, which left Ethan's whole face feeling as if though it was on fire. 'Hey' his voice was a bit deeper than it usually was, a bit more gravely too, but he signed that up to the fact that he'd been sleeping for some time, and injuries aren't the best factor either. Ethan cleared his throat, pulling his chair closer and sitting down again. 'Hey. How are you feeling?' he kept his voice soft, he told himself it was because Noah was still hurt but he knew that he couldn't talk to him any other way even if he tried to. Noah shrugged, looking at his stomach where Ethan knew the wound was, and then back at him. 'I've been better. But at least I kept my promise right? I told you I'd never let anything happen to you ever again' Ethan felt his heart in his throat, and he knew his eyes weren't as kind as before.

'Don't you ever do that ever again.' he managed to croak out and Noah looked at him, still with a slight smile on his face, 'Do what? Keep my promises?' Ethan stood up and turned his back on him.

'You know damn well what I mean Noah, don't get shot again, this isn't a joke, alright.' He turned around and saw that the smile slipped off of Noah's face, replaced by a serious look, his eyes somehow soft and hard at the same time. 'You know I can't promise you that Ethan.' 'Oh yeah? And why not?' Noah had gotten out from under the covers by now and was sitting at the edge of the bed, his eyes sad and angry. Ethan knew that Noah was given some painkillers, but it still couldn't be comfortable for him to just sit up by himself like that. 'Because Ethan, it's my job, don't you understand? It's my job to protect people, to protect civilians.' 'Even if it means you get hurt because of that?' Noah nodded sadly, but Ethan could still see some of that fire inside his eyes. 'Even then. When I decided to work this job, to become a policeman, I knew the risks, but if it means that at the end of the day I saved someone, it means that it was worth it.' Ethan knew he was getting angry, but he was past the point of caring, 'Oh, so a civilian, that's all I am to you?'

Noah furrowed his eyebrows 'I, what-' 'Noah, look, I- I can't-' Ethan knew his voice was breaking but he just couldn't stop, 'I can't see you get hurt again alright, I can't just watch tv one day and hear your name being mentioned as one of the casualties, I can't…' he felt a gentle tug at his wrist and he turned around towards Noah again who slowly stood up and Ethan was just about to tell him to sit back down because it was obvious he was still in pain, his injury wasn't healed yet, he couldn't just, but then he felt Noah's palm on his chin, forcing him to look into his eyes again and Ethan almost wished he didn't because there was so much fondness there, mixed with a bit of sadness and something else he couldn't quite decipher and he found himself unable to look away. 'Ethan, I- you are so much more than just a civilian to me' and then Noah's lips were on his and it was his hands tangling into Noah's hair, and he could feel Noah's other hand on his waist and-and then suddenly Noah moved away with a sharp 'Shit! Ethan-I- I'm so sorry, I shouldn't…' but Ethan just shook his head, tears blurring his vision slightly and pulled Noah in again, teeth clashing and noses bumping, and he knew he never wanted to stop. Not with the way Noah's hands were wrapped around his waist, breathing into his mouth and somehow taking Ethan's breath away at the same time. But then he heard Noah whimper slightly and he gently broke the kiss, their foreheads still resting together, and Ethan could feel the puffs of air that were coming from Noah's mouth on his own lips. He gently pecked his lips once more and then tried to sit him down in a way that would cause the least pain to Noah's wounded area. Once he was finally sitting on the bed again, Ethan closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them to see Noah looking up at him, a slight smile on his kiss-swollen lips and he watched as Noah licked them slowly and winked at him. Ethan knew he was blushing, but he didn't care, because he finally got to do what he has been wanting to ever since he met Noah and he didn't regret it, not a single thing. He then took Noah's hand in his and brushed some of his hair back off his forehead, his eyes again in full view. 'You should lay down you know. It's not healthy for you to be sitting and standing up and doing… other things.' Noah chuckled but still lowered himself back down on the bed, pulling the covers over him and turning his head towards Ethan again. 'So… That just happened.' Ethan rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, letting go of Noah's hand so he was able to adjust his pillow. 'Yeah. Juliet is gonna be happy.' Noah smirked when he heard that and looked to the door and then back to Ethan. 'She knew, didn't she?' Ethan rubbed the back of his neck and lowered his head for a moment, 'The whole time actually.' Noah laughed slightly but then Ethan remembered something. 'Stone, he, I don't think he'll be as happy though.' Noah just shook his head, now serious, 'No. But you know what? Screw him. I know the whole police squad by now and most of them are pretty accepting, even those that are in higher positions than Stone. So, screw him and everyone else that has anything against it, because quite frankly, I don't care.' Ethan smiled at him, 'I really like you.' Noah chuckled again. 'Really? Because you know, I couldn't quite figure it out whether it was gay in here or if it was just me. But turns out, it's you too.' He had a smirk on his lips and Ethan couldn't help but groan and bury his head in his hands 'Oh my god Noah, that was terrible.'

He wanted to laugh but just then the door opened, Stone coming in and looking at the two with a slightly judgemental look on his face, eyes flying from one to the other as if they were suspects in court. He was leaning on a pair of crutches, one of his legs bandaged. His wound wasn't as bad as Noah's, but it still needed treatment. Ethan schooled his expression into a serious one but could see that Noah had a bit more trouble trying to get rid of the smile on his face and the sparkle in his eyes. 'I see you are awake.' Noah nodded, gesturing to the place the bullet pierced his skin just hours ago, 'Yeah, turns out I just needed some rest and a lot of painkillers. And surgical help of course.' Lieutenant Stone nodded at that, completely ignoring Ethan, who rolled his eyes and looked out of the window instead. 'Of course. I talked to some of the others back at the stations, they said they can have our shifts covered with no trouble, but the two of us have to stay at home until we get better. No work, no sports, no nothing. Understand?' Noah nodded curtly and crossed his arms, 'Understood.' 'Good. Also, you've got visitors.' Noah raised his eyebrows questioningly, but Stone just opened the door and then left after Juliet came in, pushing Rose that was in her wheelchair.

---

I got into the room, wheeling Rose next to Noah's bed and sat down in the unoccupied chair. I looked between Noah and Ethan, but they refused to say anything, so I sighed and looked at Ethan first and then at Noah. 'So… Noah, you're awake, how are you feeling?' he chuckled and looked at Ethan who was blushing slightly. 'I'm feeling pretty good actually. Got some painkillers, had a good nap… Just ask what you want to ask Juliet, c'mon.' I blinked a few times and then grinned. 'Ethan? Did you tell him?' he kept looking at the ground until Noah nudged him a bit that he started talking. 'Alright, alright. I didn't, erm, I didn't tell him, per se because he kind of, um… interrupted me?' Rose laughed next to me, her eyes directed at Noah. 'Wait Noey, did you-did you kiss him while he was pouring his heart out?' Noah shrugged almost helplessly and that just sent Rose off into another laughing fit, but after she calmed down there were smiles on all of our faces. 'Now that that's figured out and done with and we don't have to watch you two staring all lovingly at each other at all hours of the day… onto our next problems that still need to be sorted out.' I looked at her in confusion, 'What other problems?' she had a glint in her eyes, and I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not. 'You and Tim.' I started spluttering and I knew my face was red, but I decided to ignore that for the time being. 'I- what? There's no Tim and I, we're just-' 'If you're about to say friends, I will slap you ok.' Rose cut me off. 'You went through hell, some of it by yourself, some of it with Tim or Ethan by your side, you faced horrors that most people are scared to even dream of and you're telling me you draw the line at feelings? Even these two idiots somehow got their minds to work correctly and figured out how to do things the right way.' At this part, two offended voices could be heard, but I ignored them. 'He's still in the hospital-' 'so is Noah' 'he's barely out of a coma! I can't just… well, I don't know what I would do, but I can't just force him to deal with so much crap out of the blue.' Rose shook her head, looking quite exasperated by this point, 'You're really not listening to me, are you? You went through a lot of stuff together, even if in a short amount of time, you have to tell him sometime. Even Ethan told Noah, so you see it can't really be that hard.'

I looked down at my hands, but I could still feel the eyes of all the people in the room on me. I fiddled with my hands for a bit and then went over the events of the last month in my head. How it started out so normal, with the sun on the sky, me on my skateboard and a new schoolmate in class. How I somehow made a friend, through skateboarding, through love for nature and adventures. How it all suddenly turned so dark I couldn't see the light, literally. How every single moment in that place was going to stay in my mind forever, no matter how hard I would try to run away from it. How it started turning brighter, only for it all to come crushing down again when I saw Tim lying on that table, blood surrounding him. How I was only going through motions for the next couple of days, feeling nothing and everything at the same time. How good it felt to see his eyes again, the happiness, the sadness, all of it. I looked around the room. I looked at Ethan, broken so many times, life bringing him down again and again, but he managed to stand up, taller than even before. I looked at Noah, lying in bed, his eyes shining with love, hiding hints of worry, how he always wanted to save everyone, even if he wound up getting hurt in the end, how he was perfect by almost every single one of society's standards, but just wishing and wanting happiness and knowing how to achieve it. I looked at Rose, in her wheelchair, her hands at her sides, how she didn't care what the world thought of her, how she was always up for adventures, how her eyes hid pain, not showing it to anyone around her, somehow knowing just what to do in every given moment. And then I thought of Tim, a few floors below us, lying is his bed, his parents by his side, how he went looking for a girl he barely even knew, not knowing what he'd find, how dangerous it'd be for him, but not giving up.

I looked down at my hands again, seeing the scratches on them, knowing there were still bruises on my ribs and stomach. I didn't even know how many injuries we all had combined; me, with my bruises from the beatings, Ethan, suffering the same, only for so much longer, with bruises and cuts on his hands, legs and ribs, Rose, with her broken leg, burns on her arms, sitting in a wheelchair, Noah, with a bullet wound in his stomach and Tim, with bruises and burns and cuts down his body. We have all bled and been hurt so much, over and over and over again. We didn't choose this; we'd be crazy to. We were so young, and we all knew we didn't deserve to go through what the world threw at us. We somehow came out on the other side, with our bodies bruised and bleeding and our minds scarred, but we made it. And people are going to say that we're stronger because of that, but deep down we all knew that if we could choose, we'd never go through this again, no matter what.

But I also knew that besides Ethan, Tim is the only one that's able to understand what I went through. And I knew that he's the only one that would understand my nightmares, because he had the same ones, or worse. I looked at Rose again and nodded 'I'll tell him once he's out of the hospital, I promise.' She rolled her eyes, but I could see a smile on her face, and I was able to relax in my chair again, the sound of the other three talking becoming a background noise, allowing me to close my eyes, if only for a moment and to finally just…breathe again, feeling no interruptions, no nothing, just peace and safety.

---

It's been two weeks, Tim was out of the hospital, as well as Noah. Rose was still in her wheelchair, but the doctors said her leg was improving, she should be allowed to switch from the wheelchair to crutches in two months, it wasn't fast, but it was progress. Tim's parents allowed him to go skate with me, but only if they could drive us there and stay with us the whole time. My parents agreed with them, so they were currently in the bar next to the skatepark, Rose was sitting with them at the table as well, Noah and Ethan by our sides.

We were sitting on the bench, looking at the city spread out in front of us. The sun was beginning to set, painting the sky pink with a mix of orange and yellow in between the skyscrapers. Tim was sitting to my right, Ethan to my left with Noah next to him. Ethan was leaning his head on Noah's shoulder, their hands intertwined. I looked at Tim, I still haven't told him how I felt, even if I told Rose that I would. I knew it was time to, even if I didn't know quite what so say to him, how to even start the conversation. I knew that what Rose had said was true, we went through all of that and somehow I didn't know how to tell him how I felt. I looked at the skateboard that was leaned against my legs and then at Tim's. I nudged him with my shoulder and looked over at the skatepark a few meters in front of us.

'If you want to, I'll give you another chance to beat me at the jumpers?' he smirked, 'What, seeing how shinning your performance was the last time?' I stuck out my tongue at him 'Do you want to give it a try or not?' he chuckled and nodded, picking up his skateboard. When we reached the skatepark I turned towards him, fastening my helmet and lowering my skateboard on the ground. We both set off at the same time, the wind whistling past our heads. We skated for about 5 minutes, him beating me twice and me beating him twice. We were tied, we slowly came to a stop in the middle of the skatepark, the ground wasn't as steep as it was in some other places in the park. It was a stretch of pavement, about 10 meters long.

I looked over at Tim staring at nothing in particular and then slowly exhaled, it was now or never. 'I have an idea for a trick I want to try, wanna see?' he looked a bit confused at first, but he nodded, nevertheless. I held out my hands and told him to do the same. I moved closer to him until our hands were wrapped together and then stood on my skateboard. 'So, here's what I was thinking. You can do a kickflip, right?' 'Of course I can do a kickflip.' I smirked, 'all right, all right, just checking. So, we do a kickflip, but we um, hold hands while doing the kickflip, got it?' I saw that he was going through the trick in his mind, looking at the pavement in front of us, calculating just when to do the tick to land it right, I knew he was thinking that, I did the same thing, you always do, just before doing the trick. He then looked back at me and nodded, 'All right, let's do it.' I smiled nervously and we set off, our hands together, somehow guiding the skateboards below us just the right way. We came to about the half of the length of the pavement, counted down from three and then simultaneously pushed down on the front of our boards and somehow managed to land the kickflip, he slowly let go of my left hand, but my right still stayed in his. We skated towards the ledge and jumped up.

He looked at me, a little out of breath, but happiness still present in his eyes, and a smile on his lips. 'Damn, that was amazing!' I laughed next to him, sitting on my skateboard. 'Right?!' he nodded, looked down at our hands and then at me again. 'We should do that trick more often, I quite liked it.' I could feel myself blushing, but I just decided to smile and look back at him. 'I liked it too. Hey Tim?' 'Mhm?' 'I like you.' He smirked and bumped his shoulder with mine. 'Yeah, I know.' I deadpanned and he chuckled, running his thumb over my palm. 'Kidding, I like you too. So… Ice cream? I'm buying.'

I laughed, but stood up nevertheless, skating back towards the bench, towards Noah, Ethan and Rose, towards our parents. Towards the future? Probably. We tried to leave those memories behind, all the bruises, all the cuts and wounds, all the hours spent in the dark. And it was hard at times, waking up screaming, the nightmares still haunting us even years later. It will always be a part of us, but, with time, it gets better. Not immediately, and it will never be the way it was before, definitely not, but with each day it gets better and what I found out is that it gets better so much faster if you have someone by your side who knows what you went through, who went through the same hell, the same tortures, the same darkness. But enough of that. Because it was time to leave it all behind. All the injuries, all the tears and breakdowns, all the bad dreams and sleepless nights. It's how it starts, the getting better part. It starts by leaving it all behind and living a freer life, not caring what the world would say, only knowing it gets better, with every single passing day.