Before. ..
Lately I've been having a lot of restless nights. I can't help but stay up late at night thinking about all my life choices.
"Could I be so wrong with every one of my decisions", I ask myself as I lay awake looking at the empty ceiling. I turn to my side a few times to look at April. Every time my heart feels little heavier at every glance of her.
"I know I've failed you, but I've really failed myself the most", I whisper under my breath.
Eventually I get up and head into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. But when I get into the kitchen I just stand in the room motionless and empty inside. I hold my knees and open my mouth widely.
If you couldn't tell I'm actually screaming right now, but there's no sound bursting out of my mouth. I do this for a good three minutes, to the point of falling short of any breath. Soon after I fall to my knees with my head on the ground.
I start to chuckle for a bit, but it's not a hilarious type of chuckle. But it's rather a chuckle of a man about to break down into tears, which I eventually do.
It's said that a panic attack is, a sudden period of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms.
And to break down, is to render or to become unstable due to stress, to collapse physically or mentally.
And in this very instant I finally know how perfectly well these two events work.
After this whole event of me going through loads of emotions, I finally pick myself up and wipe the tears off my face.
I take a moment to let everything settle in my mind and heart.
"Your so could dream isn't turning out the way you pictured it. Your wife probably looks at you like some sort of failure, and that's really why you can't even touch her because it's just a hand of a failure on her successful flesh.
Your past has come to haunt you and you can't even confront your wife about her late nights with this Kurt fellow; and her obvious lead up into having an affair with him.
All of this with the added bonus of your depression and despair. But as always you only have one option here, and that is to accept it Jahmal Baston", the voice in my head said all of this.
After listening to the voice, I finally got that glass of water and headed back to bedroom. As I walked into the room April turned over and asked me, what's up J.
With a fake smile I told her, "nothing love, go back to sleep".
After. ...
I've taken the time to let everything around me to settle, and with time I could say I'm feeling a little better about my life.
I seem to be taking in the concept of taking it one day at a time. And I've come to realise that I've been neglecting April for the longest time. So my intention was to make it up to her tonight.
I knew from the get go she was going to arrive home later on tonight. And of course I know she's taking the time at work to spend it with Kurt. Still I won't focus on that, but rather focus on making tonight extra special.
So I set up some scented candles around the apartment. I bought a whole box of fancy chocolates and made a heart out of them on the bed. Next, I went all out with supper, and close to the time April was soon to arrive home, I ran a hot bubble bath for her in the two in one shower and tub we have.
I know it seems cliché, and of course something straight out of a cheesy romantic movie. But really it was the only thing I had.
I waited for April ever so patiently for her to get home. But when she finally walked through the front door, I could tell something was totally off with her. She walked in and noticed all the scented candles around the apartment and the wonderful meal I had set out. But all she could do was give a little smile and tell me, "thank you J. But I really don't have any sort of appetite tonight. And I'm really tired, so I'm having an early night".
She walked past me, without even giving me a kiss hello or goodnight. She headed off into the room and left me alone to eat this meal I made for the both of us.
I ate and did the dishes afterwards. I figured I should also go to bed too. I even forget about the bubble bath, and left it for the morning. I walked into the room and found the chocolates all spread out on the floor.
April was under the covers. I got into my pajamas and got under the bed covers too. April had her back towards me.
I pull a little closer to her, and put my hand on the good spot of her thigh, hoping to at least comfort her.
But April pushed my hand away and told me, "not tonight J. I'm not in the mood".