Two days later...
"Off to see mom", April asks me as she notices me heading out. "Yeah. It's a been a minute since I've seen her, so I really need to touch base with her", I tell April.
"Okay. Tell her I said hie. Oh and also could you ask her for that recipe", April asks me. "Yeah sure. Will do", I exclaim while going through the door. "I'm being serious J", April tells me.
"Yep", I say and close the door behind me.
My mom lived in my late granny's house, on the far side of town. It took me close to two hours to get there, so I never could visit her everyday.
I boarded the afternoon bus and arrived to her place at half two.
I stood by the front door, and before I knocked I made sure I was looking decent.
"Tuck or no tuck", I said to myself while fiddling with my shirt. After I finished off with that, I knocked on the door.
The sweet old lady on the other side greeted me with a smile. "J my baby", my mom said as she hugged me. She gave me two kisses on my cheeks and told me, "come in then". She headed into the house, while I followed behind. I took a look at the new grey hairs sticking out of my mom's head.
"Man you're aging really fast", I exclaim. "And you still look like a silly punk. Seriously was tucking in your shirt necessary", my mom responds.
"Touché", I say.
We take a seat in the lounge and I fold my arms. "So what's new with you", my mom asks me. I smile and tell her, "nothing much really. Just that your wonderful son just developed an app that's popping".
My mom's face lit up, as the smile rose up to it's highest.
"Congratulations my baby. I'm so proud of you", she said. My heart settled on this little moment of joy, but it was soon unsettled after what my mom said next.
"And I'm sure your dad will be proud of you too", she said.
I rolled my eyes and grunted. "Mom! When has that man ever been proud of any achievements of mine", I ask her. "Your father has always been trying to do his best at being there for you", she responds.
"Yeah and how would you know that, since you were out of the picture for most of time", I ask her.
"It wasn't by my choice I had to leave you", she tells me. "But it was your choice to let that man to take me away from you", I tell her. "We did it out of love", she tells me in a teary voice.
I laugh and say, "out of love. That's what I had to believe all through my childhood. But now when I think about it, there was no piece of love when that decision was".
"You were young, so you wouldn't have understood", my mom says.
"I'm older now, and I still don't understand", I tell her in a raised voice.
My mom holds her head and exclaims, "you can't keep resenting your father for things beyond his own control". I lean forward and look into my mother's eyes. "My resentment for my father will always be there. And he had as much control of the whole situation, as much as you did", I tell her.
"You sound exactly like her. What's next, you're going to threaten my life for what I did", my mom says to me. "I'm nothing like her", I tell her in a sharp voice. "You'd be surprised son. She was the one in the picture for most of the time, so maybe you picked up her traits", she tells me.
I laugh and wipe my teeth with my tongue. "At least I had a mother in the picture to pick-up traits from", I tell her. I soon get up and head outside to the back to get some fresh air.
After about thirty minutes, my mom joins me outside and seats with me by the door steps. "Feel any better. Seems you've still got a lot of anger and hate bottled in you", my mom claims. "It never really left, unlike you", I tell her.
"I get it. You hate me and your father for all we've done. And I still think about it till this day, and hate myself for it.
But it happened okay. We had an affair and you happened, but you're here now breathing. So stop bitching and get over it", my mom tells me.
I chuckle, "you said bitching. That's a new one", I say to her. I turn to her and ask, "what's next. A couple F bombs".
"It's a possibility with this stubborn son of mine", she says with a laugh and shaking my head. I rest my head on her shoulder, and exhale heavily.
"I don't hate you guys for what you did, I hate how you handled it afterwards", I tell her. "I guess we could've done things differently back then. But it all just happened so fast and unexpectedly J", my mom says.
"But I never meant for it to hurt you and put you through that hell with her. But you really need to let go of that past. And you need to stop hating yourself for what you are. Okay", my mom tells me. She kisses my forehead.
"It's just so hard to let go of the past mom. There's always something that brings back those memories of hurt. Carrying this Baston name doesn't make it any easier, and I don't want it anymore", I tell my mom.
"You're a Baston J, whether you and Veronica like it or not. And the only way you're going to let go of the hurt is when you sort out the wound at the source", she tells me.
"Don't say it", I exclaim.
"You and your father need to talk and make amends with each other", my mother responds with. I get up from her shoulder and tell her, "hell no! I'm not going back to that place".
"You're not doing it for me J. You need to do it for your owm sake", she tells me. I sigh heavily and say to her, "okay I'll consider it". My mom wraps her arm around my neck and pulls me back to her shoulder.
"That's my J", she tells me.
After a couple seconds she goes, "but shouldn't it be your wife doing all this for you". I laugh and tell her, "sssshhh! She doesn't need to know about this".
We both start laughing.
5 years ago. ..
"Here comes the bride", the pastor announces. I stood there anxious and nervous as I watched April walk down the aisle.
"There's my blushing bride", I think to myself. It wasn't the biggest weddings out there. And it really was small enough that you could think it was a court wedding setting. But April and I opted to have an actual ceremony despite our numbers.
In those few steps April was taking, I had a memory relapse. All those memories of where I came from, the pains and hurt. And the resentment and rejection I known my entire upbringing.
With one heavy inhale, I took it all in and told myself, "everything changes from this point onwards".
I looked at all of the guests around. On April's side it was her parents, a couple aunties and of course Karen. But as you looked at my side, it was Trevor and my mom holding down the row.
I'd admit that wasn't the type of audience I was looking forward to on my side. Maybe a part of me hoped that my dad would walk through those doors and exclaim, "sorry I'm late, but I'm here now".
But I guess that was just a silly dream of mine.
Still it wasn't all that bad, because as soon as I looked at my mom she gave me a smile that made everything seem alright. It sucked that my whole family couldn't be here for this special occasion,
but it didn't change the fact that I finally found my real mom and she was here to support her son today.