In which hidden truths are unspoken lies.
Thorin sat removed from the others, his head in his hands, his heart at his feet. He would not feel this heartache. He should feel nothing for the girl he had left under the tree. She had been untruthful from the start. She had duped them all and like a fool he had fallen for her guise. Three months. Was that really all the time he had left in the world before he went to join his ancestors, his grandfather, and very likely his father. Three months and the line of Durin would end forever, leaving Dis more alone than she could ever imagine. But exactly how, when, and where would it happen? He cursed his impulsive exit, but he had desperately needed to get away from the girl. What should he do? Could his, Fili, and Kili's deaths be prevented? He had not even asked if they successfully retook the mountain. If it were true that the girl knew everything she claimed, there were many questions he needed answers to before he made his next decision. A hand fell on his shoulder.
"Go that badly did it?" asked Dwalin, running a scarred callused hand over the designs on his scalp. Thorn glared up at him. "All right, so more than badly," he amended. Thorn did not reply. "What happened?"
"It's what's going to happen," said Thorin, shaking off the hand on his shoulder.
"What?"
They both looked up as the girl came stumbling back into camp.
"Why is she crying?" asked Dwalin, observing the girl before turning to Thorin, his face clouded and his eyes full of disapproval. "What did ya do? Why is she returning alone in the dark?"
"I did nothing to her," hissed Thorin, his anger and irritation rising. "She has brought this on herself of her own volition. She can not be trusted."
"What are ya talking about? What's gotten into ya. I would trust her with my life," defended Dwalin.
"Then you are a fool as well," shouted Thorin, jumping to his feet, his fists balled at his side. "She has been lying to us all since the very beginning."
"Sara is no liar," said Dwalin, folding his arms across his chest. "Thorin what has happened to turn ya against her. What offence could she have possibly offered ya?"
"If you don't believe me then go ask her," challenged Thorin in a whisper. "We can't both be right. Ask her about the future."
"Ask her what?" said the warrior, looking worried as he took a step back.
"Ask her when the line of Durin will end."
Dwalin eyed him skeptically. "That's impossible, how could she know such a thing."
"Go ask her yourself," said Thorin, pointing to where she sat wiping her tears next to a pale faced Bilbo.
"Alright. I will. If only to cure ya of yer madness, but if ya have harmed her in any way then Mahal help ya, friend or no."
Anger writhed and seethed inside Thorin's chest like a hot bile, urgently but unsuccessfully seeking a path of egress. He stood to follow Dwalin, fighting to draw in a steady breath before he clamped down on his emotions, shoving them to the side. Ms. Miller knew the future and he was determined not to rest until she had told him and the others all she knew. Just outside the circle of fire light he stopped, folding his arms, watching as Dwalin cast him a disparaging look before approaching a girl. The company, already on alert for the sake of her tears, all tuned their ears to her as Dwalin spoke.
"Are ya alright lass? What happened? Why are ya crying?" She did not look up or answer, only shrugged. Dwalin shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable, before trying again. "Tell me what's brought ya to tears lass."
"It's nothing, I'm fine," she said, shaking her head. Dwalin looked back at him but Thorin made no move or sign to help.
"Can I ask you something then lass? Only I have to know. I fear Thorin has gone plum out of his skull." Thorin frowned. The girl sniffed, wiping her face before closing her eyes and nodding, ready for the worst.
Dwalin drew a hand over his face before letting out a breath. "Thorin insists that you know more than you have been letting on. That somehow you know the future of the company." All activity in camp came to an abrupt halt and eyes flicked between Thorin and the girl. "Well lass?" prompted Dwalin gently. Not a muscle twitched nor was a breath drawn as all waited for her answer.
"It's true," she said finally, so quiet Thorin was surprised he could still hear her from this distance.
"What do you mean lass?" asked Dwalin unsure. "What exactly is true?"
She got slowly to her feet and said in a voice clear and firm, "It's true. I've been keeping secrets. I have known about Middle Earth from the very start. For the past week I have known how the quest will end. I even know... I know…" But here her false vibrato failed her.
"She even knows that Fili, Kili and I will die in the near future," said Thorin, stepping into the light. All eyes were on him as he strode forward, glaring at her. "She has been lying to us all from the very start."
"I never said I wasn't familiar with your world," she said, looking away from him.
"A hidden truth is no more than an unspoken lie," he spat. "As you well know Ms. Miller." The group was growing uneasy and several mutters broke the uncomfortable silence. Dwalin stumbled away from the girl as if he had failed to block a hammer blow to the gut. Thorin was a bit surprised to see both Nori and Bifur come to stand on either side of the girl. The weed of suspicion twined through him, strangling his lungs, as he saw the looks of apprehension they cast the girl and each other. Nori and Bifur were aware of Ms. Miller's deceit, and judging by his fearful but defensive stance so was Mr. Baggins.
"What is the meaning of this?" he accused, pointing at the two dwarves. "You knew and yet you said nothing!"
"It was for the best," said Nori, jamming his hands in his pockets. "Yes, we knew. Bifur has suspected for a very long time now but we only found out the full extent of her knowledge about seven days ago." Seven days ago? But that was the day he had kissed... The day the company had gone for baths, the day Nori and Bofur had both gone to retrieve the girl from the woods and returned without her or the wizard. "As for Fili, Kili, and your death's," continued Nori. "I don't know what you're talking about. Sara says we retake the mountain successfully and none of us are killed."
"That's not what I said," interrupted Sara cutting over the thief. Nori and Bifur both turned to her. "Thorin is right. As far as I know the line of Durin will end sometime in November, about three months from now." They came around to face her, confused as the rest of the company gathered around, their expressions that of shocked disbelief and confusion.
"But you said no one died in the book," insisted Nori.
"What I said was that none of the company were killed by Smaug and that you retake the Erebor."
"Then I don't see…"
"Nori," she said, cutting him off again. "Smaug is not the end of the book. There are five chapters after he dies. There is a battle for the mountain and it then that… that..."
"So you lied to us. Even to me and Bifur."
"I didn't tell you anything that was a lie. I told you part of the truth and let you assume the rest. I had to satisfy you while getting rid of you at the same time. I needed to talk to Gandalf and you were in the way."
"The wizard knows as well?" shouted Thorin in disbelief, making her flinch away from him, but then it was as if a cord had snapped taught inside her.
"Of course he knew," she bit back at him with equal ferocity. "Gandalf is one of the five great wizards in this world. Once I realized where I was, and that your world is in fact not simply a work of fiction, he was the first person I looked to for help. I talked to him before you even arrived in Bag End."
"And you," he accused, shifting his attention to the hobbit. "How long have you known?" Bilbo stepped forward before glancing determinedly back at the girl.
"I have always suspected there was more that Sara was not saying, but she took me into her confidence five days ago."
"So she told you the full story?"
"Yes. At least as far as the company and quest are concerned," nodded Bilbo.
"And you didn't see fit to tell me!" thundered Thorin.
"No. It was Sara's secret to tell and she had her own good reasons to wait. It's hardly easy news to convey to someone you care about." Dwlain gave an explosive snort of derision. "She's been under a great deal of stress lately if you haven't noticed," said Bilbo looking pointedly at the warrior. He turned back to Thorin, his eyes stealy. "And pardon me for saying so and being blunt but frankly you have had terrible timing when it comes to your advances on her. You have hardly made it easy for her to think clearly." Thorin felt heat creep up his neck and into his face. "Sara took me fully into her confidence," reiterated the hobbit. Thorin glared at her. She had told Mr. Baggins about their encounter in the barn.
"What?!" she asked sharply.
"You would tell your more intimate secrets to Mr. Baggins but not tell me the fate of my own company and kin," he spat at her.
"That's right," she said icily, her eyes ablaze. "Get angry at me because you're upset and embarrassed. But if you want to have it out here and now then by all means let's." Apprehension slid down his spine like snow inside his collar, dropped from a winter laden branch. "Did it ever occur to you that I was avoiding you for a good reason and not because you had necessarily done something to offend or hurt me? I kept telling you earlier to wait, but you just kept pressing and pressing and would have continued over the next few weeks. I was going to tell you once we were on the other side of Mirkwood. I was going to tell you all everything," she said, turning to look at them all, only some of them willing to meet her eye. "But no," she said, coming to jab a finger into his chest. He took a step back, surprised by her tenacity. "You just kept pushing me, kept trying to worm it out of me with your kisses, and your hot breath in my ear, begged me to tell you why I was avoiding you."
"I hardly think the rest of the…" he began wanting to cut her off and shut her down before she could reveal even more.
"I didn't want to tell you yet because I was afraid of the consequences, not just for me but for you as well. Once you have knowledge you can never unknow it. Trust me it's not always all it's cracked up to be. Knowing everything, especially the future is nothing but heartache and worry. But you see what happens when everyone knows everything, maybe then you will have wished you waited, wished even that I had waited to tell you till Mirkwood was over. I have agonized for days wanting to tell you, trying to think of what to do. I don't want you to die. I don't want any of you to die and I have driven myself to the brink of insanity trying to think of a way to preserve the future of this world and your lives at the same time. Smaug must die, but in order to achieve both his death and give you the best chance at life we have to go through Mirkwood." Her breath was heavy and he could tell she was not far from tears. "Do you want to know why I ran from you in the barn after you kissed me?"
"No," he said hastily, wincing at his own small lie. It still ate at him, the vision of her fleeing from him without cause.
"Bilbo is right, you had terrible timing that day. Not more than an hour before you found me I had just finished reading about Fili, Kili, and your deaths. I was so angry with the Valar. I blamed them for sending me here on this quest only to have to watch you, Fili, and Kili die." He recalled the smear of red on her hand and the blood under her nails. "And then you found and comforted me even though you could not possibly know that it was your future death I was mourning." She gave a hysterical little laugh, her eyes full to the brim now. "Has anyone ever told you your kisses could knock over a bull rhino. But then you went and…"
"I thanked the Valar," he said bitterly, cutting her off, understanding dawning on him. Little wonder she had been so upset. He had thanked the very reason she wept.
"Gandalf and I knew that even with this knowledge you would still want to continue on to Erebor and reclaim it for your people, but we worried that some of the others might refuse to continue. We were afraid the others would persuade you to find a different route which could be fatal to all, or abandon the quest all together. But now you have forced my hand."
"Why would I continue on this path to my certain doom?" he asked. "What kind of fool do you take me for."
"I don't know," she said, the fight going out of her as she sank onto a log covering her face with her hands. "But I had thought that you learned not to make snap decisions without knowing all the information. I don't know that your death is certain. For all I know the book is wrong. It would not be the first time."
"Sara's right," said Bifur in dwarvish. "The book is not entirely reliable. There are several things that have been set in motion that it has no explanation for."
"Is that true?" he asked looking at her.
"Is what true?" she said from behind her hands.
"What Bifur says. Is it true that the book is unreliable and inconsistent with reality?"
"Yes."
Hope bloomed in his chest. "In what way?"
"There are several major points on which the book is wrong," she said letting her hands drop. "The most glaringly obvious is the death of Azog. According to the book he's supposed to be dead at the hands of Dain Ironfoot." The words hit him like a charging ram. Dain? Both he and Dain would have been dead if not for their combined efforts that day, and though neither of them had delivered the killing blow, they had been sure that Azog would not survive. Not only were the orcs injuries severe, but Dain had looked into the mountain and seen his death upon him.
"But even if the book is right," continued the girl, unaware of his inner turmoil. "Even if you are supposed to die, I'm going to do all in my power to save you. I don't care what the Valar do or don't want anymore, they have left me no instructions so I will use the knowledge I have to try and save as many people as I can."
"How would you propose to do that?" asked Balin, stepping forward.
"I'm not entirely sure. I have a rough idea, but I'm still working on it," she admitted.
"I see," said Balin. "Ms. Sara, I suggest you start at the beginning. Many of us, myself included, are still at a loss as to where you gained this information and the nature of this book."
"I think that's a good idea," said Bilbo, moving to sit beside her. The rest of the company, save two, gathered round Thorin opposite Ms. Miller across the fire. For a moment Kili stood wavering, before coming to join him and the others. Much to Thorin's consternation Fili went to sit on Sara's other side opposite Bilbo, taking her hand firmly, unabashed. Even now his nephew would stand by her? He was unsure whether to admire him for his determination and loyalty to his word, or to condemn him for his foolishness in trusting her. The girl looked as nonplussed as he felt, casting a sidelong glance at Fili.
" Now," said Balin, taking a position near the fire between the two groups. "Ms. Sara if you would please explain in detail your story from the beginning." Thorin listened as she told of her arrival in Middle Earth, her conversation with Bilbo, and her agreement with Gandalf not to divulge her knowledge. How had he missed their deceit for so long? He had always thought himself able to see through deception. But he hadn't seen it, hadn't wanted to see her for so long, and by the time he had looked, he had seen her with desire instead of skepticism.
"Why did you and Gandalf conspire to keep your knowledge of our world a secret?" asked Ori from between his brothers. For once there was no quill or paper in his hands.
"When I arrived here I only knew about the events 60 years or more in the future," she said. "These events are going to be pivotal in the fight against Sauron in the future."
"But I thought he was defeated in the second age," said Dori.
"He was not defeated, only driven back for a time." She ran a weary hand over her face. "I have not wanted to risk messing up how the future plays out. He is only beaten by a slim margin. I have told no one about that future, not even Gandalf or the White Council." She looked at him and Thorin sat up straighter. "That's what Saruman wanted from me when you found us in the garden. He was trying to force me to tell him. He even threatened to hold us in Rivendell if I didn't. But knowing the distant future would not have helped you in any way with your quest and only put you and the future in jeopardy." Remembering the old wizard's fingers digging into the flesh of her arm still rankled, but he quickly quashed the feeling. He would feel nothing for her.
"You spoke of a mirror of the lady Galadriel in which you saw visions of the future. Why did you not say anything then?" he asked, glaring into the fire, unwilling to meet her gaze.
"Because it's a magic mirror," she said exasperated. "The past and present are portrayed correctly, but even Lady Galadriel warned that the future or futures it shows, while possible, are in no way set in stone. It's notorious for showing a person what happens to you if you try to stop what it shows you, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. There were things from both reality and the book in the vision and nothing adds up perfectly." All was quiet for a moment as they digested the new information.
"What exactly did you see in the mirror," asked Balin. As she spoke Thorin had to admit there was little she could actually have told them. The mirror gave only images. No words, no sounds, no context. But his suspicion grew as he watched Bilbo glance furtively up at her several times throughout her account, frowning.
"I suppose that explains why you were in such an ill temper and having trouble sleeping when we left Rivendell," said Bofur scratching his chin. She nodded.
"I feel you are still omitting something," said Thorin.
"And why is that?" she asked, folding her arms in a meager defence across her chest.
"Mr. Baggins is not always the best at schooling his features." He pointed at the pink cheeked hobbit. "So tell us what have you left out."
"If you insist," she said, shaking her head. "I just happened to leave out a certain scene that played out under an old oak tree this evening between you and me. Judging by your earlier reaction I thought you might prefer I keep my more intimate secrets to myself, but clearly you wish me to share. I also failed to tell you that I saw part of our encounter in the hayloft. Need I go into detail here and now or are your suspicions satisfied?"
"No," he said quickly, the heat rising in him again. "I am satisfied with your limited account on the matter."
"Are you sure," she taunted. "I could be very descriptive for the benefit of the others. After all a hidden truth is just an unspoken lie, as you said." Her eyes were boring into him like nails driven through wood from across the fire.
"Quite sure," he replied tersely, kicking a burning stick back into the flames.
"Right, then I suppose I should tell you about the book."
"Agreed," said Balin, stepping forward hastily. "Tell us how you came to possess it, how Nori and Bifur came to know about it, what it contains." She blew out of breath and began.
The company listened with rapt attention despite their growing frustration, fear, and wariness respectively. Oin and Gloin had been angry with her for not warning them of their capture by the Goblins, but she and Nori insisted she had not reached that part in the book at the time. As she continued the story she was careful to point out all the times the book varied from reality; he was surprised how many there were. When she had brought them up to current events she paused.
"Why do you stop now?" asked Thorin as she absent mindedly scratched her arms.
"Are you sure you want me to tell everyone what's in Mirkwood?"
"It could hardly be worse than my own death," he replied glibly.
"Well maybe not," she admitted, jumping when Bilbo tapped her scratching hand shaking his head. "But I still don't like gigantic spiders, and I don't think any of you will like being put in elvish dungeons." Dwalin spoke for the first time since her confession, his voice little more than a low growl of disbelief.
"You would lead us straight into an elvish dungeon," he accused. "That is inexcusable." Thorin could hardly disagree, he little liked the idea of being captive, least of all to elves of Mirkwood.
"We all come out on the other side no worse for the wear," she defended. "And truthfully if the elves hadn't captured you, you would likely have all starved in the forest or be overwhelmed and eaten by spiders." There multiple sounds of disbelief from around the company.
"I can handle spiders," said Dwalin echoing some of the mutters. "I can't believe ya would have led us knowingly into the arms of our enemies. I never thought ya so cold." Hurt flashed across her tired face at his words, but she proceeded to tell them of their perilous journey through Mirkwood. She told of their escape from the woodland realm and then without stopping told of their stay in Lake Town, all the while fending off questions as best she could.
"But you still haven't explained how or why Thorin, Fili and Kili die," said Gloin, his voice gruff and unhappy.
"I was getting there," she said after capping her water skin and wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. "But first I have to tell you about finding the hidden door, the death of Smaug, the destruction of Laketown, and all the other events leading up to the Battle of Five Armies."
"Five Armies?" scoffed Thorin.
"Yes. Five," she said, sending him a depreciating glance. How could there be a battle with five armies. There had been no battle so large in over an age. But as she continued to tell of the events after Smaug's death and his actions leading up to the battle he forgot his disbelief as he felt an old forgotten fear come back to nest in his heart. His actions in the book showed all the earmarks of the old familial sickness, dragon sickness. Possessiveness, secrecy, unyielding stubbornness, unwarranted suspicion, and excessive love of treasure, they were all signs that could mean only one thing. He had seen both his father and grandfather succumb to it and watched as it drove them and thousands of others to their death. On the surface the war of Dwarves and Orcs had been about reclaiming their ancient home in Morea, and after the murder of his grandfather Thror, revenge; but Thorin knew what had truly driven his grandfather into the mines to begin with. He had been under the influence of the sickness born in Erebor, and in his madness he had been seeking mithril. Over the four years of war that followed the death of Thror, his father's attempts to retake the Misty Mountains had become more and more desperate, and it finally became clear that he had also slipped into the sickness and only sought to reclaim Morea for the treasure within. In his younger years Thorin had worried that he would also prove vulnerable, but as he had aged and remained of sound mind, the fear had abated. But as Ms. Miller told of how Bilbo had ransomed the Arkenstone to the men and elves in his desperate attempt to forestall the foolish battle and his own efforts to throw Mr. Baggins over the ramparts, shame and guilt had washed through him. There was no doubt that he had succumbed to dragon sickness. Balin watched him from across the fire, worry and concern etched deep into the wrinkles of his weathered face.
Ms. Miller gave a brief summary of the battle as best she could, but unfortunately there were precious few details to share. The end result? Victory for his people, but death for himself and his nephews. At least he had parted from the hobbit in friendship, and the mountain was indeed reclaimed for his people.
"Is that all of it?" asked Gloin after many long minutes of silence.
"Most of it,'' said Bilbo after looking to where the girl sat alone with her head in her hands. She had been too restless to remain in one place while she spoke, but her pacing had finally ceased as the story had come to a close. "The rest of the book tells of Dain's ascension to the throne of Erebor and my return to the Shire."
Thorin saired, glassy eyed into the dying embers over which hung the forgotten stew that was meant to be their evening meal. By now the half moon had already finished one third of its lonely trek across the night sky. Beside him Kili sat as though made of stone. He had not moved or spoken all throughout, and Thorin feared he would not for some time if he knew his nephew. Balin stood, his fingers twined into his beard, lost deep within his own thoughts as were many of the others. The unnerving silence was broken by Ori.
"What are we to do?" he asked, a tremor in his young voice.
"It's plain is it not," said Dwalin through still grit teeth. "Tomorrow we turn back and return to the Blue Mountains. This Quest is nothing but a fool's errand."
"But what of Ms. Sara?" asked the scribe. No one spoke but all eyes turned to her.
"I'm not going back," came her voice from behind her hands. "Smaug has to die. He will ruin the future if he lives. Besides I have nowhere to go back to. The only hope I have of finding my family if they still live, lies in Lake Town. I'm going forward with or without any of you. I know the dragon's weakness and I will kill him myself if I have to, or die trying."
"Is that how it is," said Dwalin standing. "I see now. We were only a means to an end. Ya meant for us to see ya safely through Mirkwood and only then would ya have told us about the future. But not until ya were safely reunited with yer family, no matter the cost!"
"Dwalin!" snapped Balin, jerking back to attention. "That's enough brother." Thorin could see the absolute shock on her face as she looked up slowly at the warrior now towering over her.
"You honestly think that was my motive in not telling you?" she asked, letting her hands drop as she got to her feet, meeting his glare with one of her own.
"If the boot fits lass. I can't believe I ever trusted ya. All ya care about is getting back to your kin!"
"I didn't even know anything about my family until two weeks ago," she shouted, her knuckles pale as her fist balled at her side. "I didn't even know I was from your world!"
"Don't make excuses," replied Dwalin with equal volume. "Ya were going to lead us to the elves. It's clear you never cared about any of us. Yer not but a selfish human!" Fili rose from his seat beside Bilbo, his eyes locked on the confrontation.
"Dwalin!" shouted Balin grabbing his brother's arm. "Stop!" But he was not to be impeded. He jerked out of his brother's grip.
"You would have knowingly let us all into certain death. You care nothing for Fili, Kili or Thorin. Yer nothing but a cold hearted killer!"
The crack echoed through the tense silence for several seconds before Thorin realized what had happened. Dwalin stood riveted to spot, his hand on his jaw where the girl's clenched fist had smashed into his face. They all watched as she stormed off into the dark. Fili followed after her stopping only briefly before the shocked warrior.
"You're lucky she doesn't hit as hard as I do." His tone was glacial and although Fili was a couple inches shorter the menace rolling of him was palpable. "If you ever speak to her like that again, we will come to blows. I will not hesitate to defend her." And then Fili was swallowed by the night as he made his way after the girl, Dwalin storming off in the opposite direction.
Thorin growled, rubbing his temples, wishing he could call back the last few hours, forget them all like some horrific nightmare. But how did you forget your own death.
"Thorin." He looked up to see Balin watching him. Whispered conversations had broken out among the others, too many voices to pay attention to. "What do you want us to do?" asked Balin.
"I don't know," he admitted, standing. "I need time to think. Give me till morning. I will have a decision by then."
"All right." Thorin turned to leave but Balin caught his arm. "I will follow wherever you lead."
"I know," said Thorin, gripping Balin's arm before he left.
"Sara," called Fili softly, bringing her out of her thoughts. She looked up between the tall blades of grass from her place on the ground in the field.
"Fili, what are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you." Guilt swept through her at his answer. He sat beside her and snapped off a stem of grass, twirling it between his fingers absently.
"I should be the one checking on you," she said.
"Then how about we check on each other," he suggested.
"You're not mad at me then?"
"No," he said after a few heart beats. "At least I don't think so. Ask me again in the morning." He grinned at her. The pressure was building behind her eyes for the umpteenth time that week.
"Urrgh!" she growled, rubbing furiously at her eyes and face. "I don't want to cry anymore. I don't have the energy for it."
"Want me to cry for you?" he offered. She couldn't help the half sob half giggle that escaped her. They watched the last remaining fireflies flicker from blade tip to blade tip as the crickets chirped merrily, oblivious to the night's misery.
"How are you so calm?" she asked after a few minutes.
"I'm not sure I am," he admitted. "It's still quite a shock."
"Dying?" she asked. He shrugged and then sighed.
"I meant that you knew about Middle Earth from the very start."
"Fili I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I hated doing it but I thought it was best. I know things that could potentially lead to the downfall of Middle Earth if the wrong people knew about them."
"Is Saruman one of those people?" he asked. She nodded. "Then we will have to keep you away from him." They were quite a minute more.
"How are you doing Fili? Really? Are you scared?"
"I would be daft not to be little, but at the same time I'm finding it difficult to feel anything much right now. I knew coming on this quest with my uncle was going to be dangerous and I even knew I could potentially lose my life. I guess I have already confronted the possibility of never returning home. We are marching to take back a mountain from a dragon after all."
"You're really not afraid to die?" she asked.
"Well I don't fancy the idea, if that's what you're getting at," he said flicking the grass away. "But I don't believe it."
"Believe what?"
"I don't believe in fate or destiny," he said, tilting his head back to look at the gleaming stars above. "I don't think that just because you saw something in a bowl of water or read a book that I'm going to die, at least not the way you said I would. I think we are all masters of our own fate. We control our lives or at least how we want to live them. I have no intention of dying in the battle. Besides," he said looking at her. "Now that I know I will be able to avoid it."
"But I'm not even sure how you die, except that you fall defending Thorin. How can you prevent it if you don't know?"
"I don't think it matters," he said shaking his head. "Besides a lot of things have changed just because you're here. Imagine what impact you could have."
"I'm trying not to. I don't like headaches." Her hands slid down her face, pulling her eyelids down.
"Oh that's a good look for you," he said, poking her cheek. She batted his hand away and he grinned. "Do you think maybe that's why the Valar sent you? To change things?"
"I have no freaking idea. It's not like they left me with a list of instructions."
"Then you should do what," he said simply.
"That's about all I can do," she said, flopping on her back in the grass. "I want to save as many people as possible. I wish there were not going to be a battle. I wish we were all hobbits and the biggest arguments we ever got into were over stolen silverware and whether or not someone was rude to us. But I guess it's too much to ask that people just get along."
"I don't know," he said rubbing a hand over his fuzzy chin. "I would miss my beard. Besides hobbits can only grow hair on their feet, and then my boots wouldn't fit." Sara could not help the laughter that burbled up within her, eating away at some of the tension. "Sara?" he asked after she stilled.
"Hmm?"
"Did you really mean what you said about continuing to Laketown alone if you had to?"
"Yes. I have nowhere else to go. Oh I'm sure there are people who would take me in, Elrond, Bilbo, and perhaps even Beorn, but with the possibility of finding my family I don't think I would ever be able to fully settle. I have been searching for them for my whole life. I can't give up now just as I finally have a clue. And Smaug really must die. He would ruin everything in the future if he lives. Gandalf thinks he would join Sauron. And even if we all turned back, I doubt that your uncle, or Dwalin, or any of the others would want me tagging along with them on their way back."
"I still can't believe you punched Dwalin," said Fili. "Good hit by the way. Excellent form."
"I shouldn't have done it," she said digging in the heels of her palms into her eyes.
"Oh no, he deserved it," he said quickly. "I don't remember ever seeing him so angry. He's not usually so venomous."
"Well if he didn't hate me before he sure to now."
Fili lay down beside her, tucking his hands behind his head, one of his ankles resting on his bent knee. A firefly landed on his boot tip and he stuck out his finger so it would crawl onto his hand. "I've never seen magic bugs like these before," he said, studying the beatle as it crawled across his knuckles, flashing.
"It's not magic," she said, glancing at him. "It's a chemical reaction inside their bodies. They flash to attract a mate. We have them back in Kentucky during the summer." He was quiet watching as it flew away.
"Well that's spoiled," he said, rolling onto his side to look at her. "So... How long have you and uncle been involved?"
"We're not involved, and we probably never will be after today."
"That's not what I took away from your earlier shouting match. I can't believe I didn't see it before now."
"Kili did," she said, frowning. Kili had not looked at her all night, he had not spoken and that worried her. She was not sure what she had been expecting but it wasn't for him to clam up. "He's been poking fun of me ever since the trolls. Him and Bofur both. I think Bofur saw it in Thorin as well."
"Ah," said Fili. "That explains why Bofur kissed you. To make uncle jealous."
"That and Bofur is just an incorrigible flirt."
"True enough," he said sitting up. "Should we head back to camp?"
"No. I don't think anyone wants me around at the moment. They all need time to think and if I'm honest I don't want to go back to all the glares and stares."
"So are you going to sleep out here then?"
"I guess so."
"Then it's a good thing I brought your blankets with me," came Bilbo's voice as he pushed through the grass towards them, his arms laden with their bedrolls. He dropped one in each of their laps before plopping down on her other side. "Although I don't know if I will be able to relax after tonight."
"I will," said Sara rolling out her bed. "As much trouble and heartache as tonight caused I feel better having it out in the open. I don't have to keep secrets anymore and that's a relief I was not expecting. I can't change what the others will decide to do but my road lies through Mirkwood. If I have to I'll go back to Beorn and ask him to help me get across." No one spoke as they settled themselves for the night but after several minutes Fili broke the silence.
"I'm going with you," he said, turning his head to watch her. "I'm going with you through Mirkwood. I will stay with you until you find your family or you agree to come back to the Blue Mountains with me. I'll even come with you if you go after Smaug." She knew by the set of his jaw that there was no arguing with him. Her fingers found his in the dark and she squeezed.
"Thank you Fili, for everything. I'm glad I have at least you and Bilbo."
"I'll come with you too," said Bilbo. She turned to him a bit surprised.
"Are you sure Bilbo? You know how dangerous it's going to be."
"Yes, but," he paused. "It seems that while I have come so far with you that it would be a waste not to see it through to the end. And as I said I have been feeling the tug of wanderlust."
"Why Bilbo, how un-hobbit like," said Fili in mock shock.
"Do you really think that Thorin will turn back?" asked Bilbo.
"I hope not," said Sara. "Gandalf doesnt think he will. But who knows what the others will decide."
"In that case," said Bilbo, worming further under his blankets. "We best get as much sleep as we can. Tomorrow promises to be a very long day."
Thorin gripped the reigns of his pony, the leather slick with sweat from his palms as he stood looking into the dark path of Mirkwood. Mr. Baggins, Ms. Miller, and Fili stood together upon the first white stones of the path, their packs slung over their shoulders, waiting for his final decision. All the others remained mounted, prepared to ride back to Beorn's. Thorin had spent a restive night wrestling with his choice and had not slept at all, not that he could have even if he'd had time. He had sought out solitude but not but not long after acquiring it, a string of the others had found him each bringing advice, opinions, and arguments with them. Among them had been Nori advising him not to stray from the course through Mirkwood if he chose to continue, stating it was the safest option going forward. He had also pointed out the dangers of returning as there were no doubt Orcs and Goblins hunting them from behind. But his warnings had only echoed what Thorin already knew, bringing no new clarity. Oin and Gloin had insisted that they return to the Blue Mountains, arguing that it was best to turn back now while they could. No one seemed to want to go forward but just as many did not want to go back, preferring the known to the unknown. After developing a growing pain in his head he had sought out Balin. But as forthcoming as all the others were with their opinions, the diplomat kept his thoughts to himself, assuring Thorin he would follow wherever he led. Though he said little, he proved again, as he had on other occasions, to be an excellent listener, allowing him to work out his own motives and desires more clearly without being interrupted. In the early morning hours Fili had come to him saying that he was going with the girl through the forest regardless of what he chose to do. There had been an argument but it had gone nowhere both he and Fili equally unyielding.
By the time Thorin had returned to camp well after dawn, the others were awake, packed and ready to depart, all looking at him, wondering what he had chosen. Wordlessly he had mounted his chestnut pony which had been packed for him and led the company back toward the forest and the track to Beorn's. No one spoke as they rode, Ms. Miller, Mr. Baggins and Fili in the rear. Upon reaching the elven path the three had dismounted and turned their ponies loose, the animals eagerly running away to the south.
Thorin looked at them now, first to his nephew's set jaw, and the look of determination and defiance in his blue eyes. His gaze shifted to the girl who stared back at him expectantly, and finally to the hobbit who stood with a courage and determination that belied his race. Gritting his teeth, Thorin dismounted, shouldered his pack and before the others could react, slapped his ponies rump, sending it bolting after the other three. He strode over the over to girl, galled that she and the wizard had been able to accurately predict his decision.
"Thorin, No!" called Dwalin, dismounting but holding firmly to the reins of his animal. "Don't be a fool." He had been expecting this reaction.
"I'm going on to reclaim our home," he said, addressing the others. "You may all return to the Blue Mountains without repercussions, I released you from any bond of Loyalty or obligation you feel, but I would welcome all those who would still follow me into peril of their own free will." Balin, Bofur and to his and Dori's surprise Ori dismounted, releasing their animals and came to stand alongside him.
"This is madness," shouted Dwalin as Bifur and Bomber followed suit. "You are walking willingly into the hands of our enemies, to your own sure death."
"You need not come," said Thorin. "Go back if you wish." A string of fowl curses flew from Dwalin's mouth.
"Why would you go on? You will leave Dis alone with no kin to watch over her."
"Dis does not need keeping," he replied. "As you well know."
"She will never forgive you. She will never understand."
"You underestimate her. She will know why I must go on. I go on for her and for the rest of our people. Every year more go hungry, more cannot provide for their families, and every winter our numbers dwindle even further. If I go on they will have a home again. The treasure of Erebor will provide for them as they work to rebuild their lives."
"But you will die!" shouted Dwalin coming to grip his shoulders like a wayward child.
"Yes. I may die," he replied unflinching. "That is the job of a king, to give all in the service of his people, even his life if need be."
"And what of Fili and Kili? You would sacrifice them as well? Let them die in battle?" accused Dwalin, pointing at a despondent Kili who sat slumped in the saddle.
"They will not be fighting," said Thorin simply, shaking off Dwalin's hands. "They need not die in defense of my life." Kili looked up at these words. "You don't have to come Kili, you can return home safely as you promised Dis and I will not think less of you, but if you still choose to come with me then I will do all in my power to see you reunited with your mother." Kili's brown eyes met his, lifelessly staring back at him before he slid slowly to the ground, his pack in his arms. He was followed by Dori and Nori, leaving only Dwalin, Oin and Gloin. Thorin nodded to them and Oin and Gloin nodded back before he turned to go.
"Don't do this!" called Dwalin desperately. "Thorin! Don't throw your life away! Think of those you leave behind! Please!"
Thorin paused, looking behind. "I am," he said. "Tell Dis not to bring our people until spring. The journey in the winter will be too perilous for the young and the old." And with this Thorin set his feet on the path of white stones, not looking to the side as he passed the girl, well aware of her watching eyes on him. Shifting his bag onto his back more securely he set off into Mirkwood, the others trailing out behind him.