Cassie
What else haven't I done? I ask myself as I pace back and forth in my room, trying to remain calm. Which is, of course, impossible. I have only half an hour left till midnight and the dread is starting to kick in.
I mentally go through my planner (for Friday nights)..as always, everything is done and all I have to do is sit and wait, or rather pace and wait. I gave up trying to sleep about 1 year ago when I realized it would never happen.
I force myself to sit on the edge of my bed and try to find something to concentrate on. Even the loud moans and screams of harder, from across the hallway don't seem to capture my mind at all.
I finally grab my phone from my bag and reply to Kim's texts. She's always worrying for me, telling me that I should inform someone, maybe even get professional help.. But I know my problem doesn't have to do with psychology or something like that.. It has to do with me. Simple.
U okay girl. Do u need me to do anything? Am always here for u, u know.
I smile sadly at myself. She shouldn't be worrying for me. I type back my reply.
Of course I am. Thanks for everything Kim. U know I love u right?
The reply comes back almost one minute later.
Of course I know u love me. I love u back😘😘. Take care, and tell those idiots to go easy on all the screaming😉
This has me smiling. That's Kimberly, always looking for ways to cheer me up in my most desperate moments. One look at the top of my screen has me frozen in fear..,and shock.
When did the time go so fast. It is 00:05!! This has never happened before. It always comes the second midnight strikes. Why aren't I jumping in excitement? Why am I not happy that it's finally over? I try to question my inner self.
This could mean great things right?.. No.. I have a feeling it's headed for the worst, but what actually could be worse than that thing? .. I'm snapped out of my reverie by the sound of my phone ringing. It's Kimberly.
"Hey are you okay?" She sounds worried. "Well.. Not even sure actually. It's past the time Kimberly, and it didn't seize me tonight," I try to put as much calm as I can manage in my voice. No need to worry her further. "But isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't we be celebrating or something"she sounds unsure of whether am really okay. Can't blame her though"I have a feeling it's going to turn into wor.... Aaaaaaargghh"
I only have time to register the scream that has come out of my mouth before I'm hurled at the wall. My body is a blink from coming into contact with the wall when I'm hurled back into the bed. Then it starts.
This time I can feel the pain physically, more intense than ever. I also feel like my soul is in some sort of tug-of-war. Like someone, or something is trying to tear it apart. In the past, I've learned to bear my turmoil in silence but this time, the scream that comes from my mouth sounds alien to me. I've never screamed like that before. Then I hear another scream, followed by another and another.
The pain is blindening and my whole body feels like torture to my soul. It's like the two are competing about who can take in more pain than the other. Then in a flash, it stops. Only to start again a minute later. My screams are followed by loud bangs on the doors and shouts from my brother. The pain is too much for me to even fathom what he's saying. Then again, it stops. I'm breathless, hurting, but also braced for it to take over again. It doesn't come.
"Cassie, open the fucking door. What is wrong with you. Open up" My brother's voice reminds me that he heard and came to check.
"I'm fine Ryan, nothing to worry about. Just a stupid nightmare. Go back to sleep am okay" I shout back hoping he will take the hint and not decide to push. Eventually, I hear him sigh and walk back to his room. Thank God. There's no way I was about to start explaining the last 2 years of my life with this horror to him. I simply didn't have the energy for it.
Now that I'm alone, I start wondering whether the pain is going to come back. Try to ask myself why this time the pain became physical, and why I was hurled at the wall. Am trying to contemplate all this when I hear it. Distinct at first, but then clear.
"Am really sorry Cassie, so very sorry" The sound is like the rush of water, something like the humming of a breeze.. Something I couldn't quite pinpoint. So yes, I think the pain has gotten me mad.
"I know you can hear me Cassie, I apologize. You're also not dreaming, or insane either. As true as the pain is, so is this apology" The voice is really clear now. Wait.., how does it.. He.. She.. Whatever belongs to that voice know about my pain...Are they the ones causing it?
So I do what an insane person could only do (I am insane anyway). I decide to answer, or rather ask a question.
"Apology for what? Who or what are you? Why do you cause me pain?" The words are a whisper. I hear a sigh, then silence. I'm about to settle for the fact that I heard my own things when the soft reply comes back.
"It had to be you. That's all you need to know. You, it had to be you"
I stiffle the sarcastic remark that is about to come out of my mouth. Of course, I am of no value to anybody, apart from Kim maybe, that's what made all this easier. My death wouldn't be that bad at all would it? My brother's always too busy fucking his gf to even care what I do everyday, my parents are in another part of the world working their asses off, not really giving a fuck what am going through, my younger sister is in some boarding school living her life. So probably no one to mind that much about me.
I pick up my phone from the floor, where it most likely fell after I was thrown to the wall, and inspect it. No damages, thank God. I unlock it to find six missed calls and ten texts all from Kimberly. I know I have to call her, but that will have to wait till morning.
I get in bed, and it doesn't take long for sleep to settle in. Though whereas I thought it would bring me peace and at least a little calm, it's nothing short of a disaster. All I can hear throughout my dreams are " It had to be you Cassie, it had to be you"
A/N
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