I go inside after my father and we head to the dining room. On the table, a large rectangular ice cream cake sits on a large glass plate. It has blue buttercream with little ocean waves around the sides, and my name spelled out; Happy Birthday Vivienne!. On the cake stand sixteen gold candles which Varun lights up with a red lighter.
Everyone starts singing the happy birthday song and clapping and I grin, a little embarrassed. When they finish, I blow out all the candles and everyone claps and cheers. Mom comes around the table and cuts a small slice of cake, putting it on the plate. First my grandparents from my dad's side come and feed me a little bite of cake while Varun takes the pictures. My grandmother smears a little on my nose and we all laugh. Next are my other grandparents, who smear a bit on my chin. After that my parents, my mom smears frosting on my right cheek while my dad does my left. Varun hands the camera to dad before coming over and feeding me a little bite of cake. While the spoon is still in my mouth, he takes the rest of the cake on the plate and smears it all over my face, though careful not to get it in my hair.
We all laugh, and mom cuts the cake into slices for everyone to eat while I go to the bathroom and wash my face. We all have our slices of cake and my parents clean up, leaving my grandparents to go to sleep since their flight is early tomorrow morning, and Varun and I to finally change out of these clothes.
I walk into my closet and choose out a blue fluffy towel, a pair of black shorts that cover the tops of my knees, and a loose black tank top. I take a quick shower, reveling in the warmth of the water pounding down onto my slightly weary muscles. I change, brush my teeth, floss, and do all of my nightly routine. I climb into bed after leaving a few of the curtains open so I can see the moonlight as it filters in. Making a quick decision, I quietly get out of bed, silently creeping toward my balcony doors.
I carefully open the ornate French doors leading out to my balcony, and I subconsciously note how the door is gilded with gold patterns and the feel of the gold handle against the skin of my palm. The door softly clicks open and I gently step out onto the balcony with my bare feet. I take a moment to observe my surroundings. The air smells faintly sweet and a breeze has picked up, adding a slight chill to the warm night. Sounds of little crickets and small creatures scurrying home fill the silence. Life is never quiet. I see a bunch of stars in the cloudless night sky, more than you would ever see in a city, but less than the galaxies you could see way back when Earth was young. The full sturgeon moon hangs in the sky like a large flashlight beam focused on the sky. It gives light to certain spots, like in front of the balcony, where the cover doesn't reach.
I tiptoe to the very edge of the balcony, on the left side so I can avoid the security cameras. I carefully climb onto the banister and hug myself to the wall before finding a handhold against the balcony cover. I pull myself up and find myself looking at the attic window. Quickly, I duck out of sight. Then I grab a foothold against the top of the attic's windowsill and use my strength to pull myself onto the roof. It must be at least a quarter to midnight right about now. I walk toward the very edge and sit on the reddish-brown roof tiles, staring at the moon.
A deep numbness opens up in me, threatening to drag me under. I think of all the times I sacrificed my childhood for learning and strength. I think of all the times I wasn't able to help someone else in need. I think of the overwhelming numbness that comes every time I come back to the realization that I am losing myself. I only have one full tether to this world, Varun. He is the only one who knows the closest thing to the true me. To my parents, I am the perfect, though mischievous, daughter, to outsiders I am a stone-cold girl with no feeling, and to a few select amount of people, I am a friend, a protector.
Which is the real me? Who am I really? Am I the girl who I was six years ago, before I changed myself? Or am I this stone-cold heartless human being most believe I am? What is my path in life? What am I meant to do? Hundreds of questions just like these filter through my head. A tear runs down my cheek, the only witness the moon. Then I find my center, my core, what I live for and my strength.
I am a warrior, a boxer, a wrestler, a martial artist, but also a scholar, a reader, a learner, and a teacher. I am a person who knows how to turn off emotions and read people easily, but I am also a girl who loves to bake new things and embroider magnificent flowers. I know what pain is and I know what suffering looks like, but I also know what family is and what loyalty and respect look like. I am me. I am every bad thing in my life, along with every good thing. People who don't know me and even those who do will never know my specific walk of life and my own mind. The only one who knows what I think is myself and God, if He is there. I smile a small smile for myself. The hundreds of thousands who have come before me went on similar journeys as me, and so will the hundreds of thousands who come after me face the world.
The thoughts put me to peace and I suddenly flinch when the moon is blocked by a cloud. Minutes later, the cloud moves, leaving the moon brighter than before. As the last wisps of the cloud move away, a burning sensation starts in my head. Soon, it feels like my body is being tortured by a hundred of the worst torturers in history, with unlimited energy and strength. I set my jaw and stand up through the pain, but it barely registers. When the moon is completely uncovered, it feels like my whole body is set on fire and then put into a raging inferno. The moon seems to grow in front of me and I can see every single crater and scar on the face of the moon until I feel my body jerk, falling off the roof, and everything goes black.