Pain.
Angst. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger. Sadness.
And calm.
A dangerous calm. When is calm dangerous? Before the disaster. Before every disaster, there is a calm, Deadly calm. And then there is destruction. One that obliviates everything in its wake. Leaves behind only the wreck. For everyone to see. For everyone to remember.
But the centre of the storm is also calm. A different type of calm. It's not dangerous. It's an escape. If anything manages to find its way to the middle, it would survive. And along with the wreckage, it also remains behind to be seen and remembered.
Lohit didn't know how his chain of thoughts ended up at storms and their wreckage. But to be honest, that's how the inside of his mind seemed like – a storm.
Because it was calm before. And whenever there was calm, it meant disaster. At least in his mind. Sometimes it was a storm. A whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. A constant turmoil. Sometimes it was an earthquake. Everything seemed to shake. Nothing seemed to be stable. Sometimes it shook too much and the ground of his mind cracked. Sometimes, he managed to get it stable. There were times when it was a tsunami. It was like a huge wave of angst and turmoil that hit him and left him blown away.
But right now, it was a storm. And he knew what was at the centre. He knew what was going to survive, what he was going to remember after.
And it was not a happy thought.
Honestly, he doubted his brain was capable of producing happy thoughts anymore. It had been quite a while since he had one, and he had made peace with the fact. It helped sometimes, but mostly the knowledge only left a huge pool of disappointment.
He had woken up in the hospital. They told him he had been unconscious for three days. He let them ramble about his prognosis and the possibility of keeping him admitted till he was 'stable' enough to leave. When they finished, he asked them about his parents. They told him to rest. He had been here five days since he woke up. Every day, he asked everyone who entered his room. All of them avoided the question. He let them. Because deep down, he knew it would hurt.
It was frustrating. Wanting to hear something he knew would hurt. He knew he won't be able to hold himself when they finally told him. Even when he saw everything himself. He knew it would break him all over again. Beyond repair. But he still kept asking. Wanting to get it over with.
The sixth day, Anuj and Kritika visited him. Their eyes weren't quite as pained as he had imagined. But maybe that was just him. Lately, it seemed to him, everyone in the world were way too happy to his liking. It felt like everyone was happy, while his world was crumbling to pieces. Again, and again. Everyone was sleeping contently, while he was struggling, blood and spilled guts riddling his vision every time he tried to close his eyes. Everyone was eating pretty meals with loved ones at their side, while he was trying to swallow tasteless bits alone.
But he didn't voice his feelings when they came to visit. Instead, he asked what he had been dying to know ever since he woke up.
"Did both of you see what I saw?"
His voice was dry and nonchalant, but he was trying hard to mask the desperation in his voice, trying hard not to sound insane.
A look passed between his friends before they turned to him with a cautious expression. When Anuj answered, his voice held the same cautiousness.
"We did. But we aren't sure what to make of it."
Lohit nodded, looking at his feet on the hospital bed.
"What happened after I passed out?"
"We don't know," it was Kritika this time, "we both passed out along with you. We haven't been able to talk about it. I don't know about him," she motioned towards Anuj, "but I didn't want to sound like I have gone crazy."
"Me neither," Anuj said, nodding furiously.
Lohit frowned, steeling his heart for what was to come.
"So, my parents…" he trailed, voice breaking near the end as his throat choked and eyes started burning with unshed tears. One of the tears escaped as both his friends lowered their heads with pained expressions.
"Some of the neighbours heard the commotion and called the police," Anuj said, still looking at his feet, "and they registered a case of homicide, According to their report, the intruder stabbed your parents and escaped, although it has been challenged, on the grounds of three children, passed out totally unharmed at the scene and no valuables missing. The police said they will take your statement after you have passed a mental assessment by a psychologist and declared fit for giving any statement. They asked us too. But we said we didn't remember anything after the party. We were passed out for a day, but you were here for three days. They think you must be given your space since you lost your family. And they kept you here because you had a few minor fractures from the fall you took down the stairs. Not that I am saying that was your fault."
He looked like he wanted to say something else but kept it in. Normally, Lohit would have bugged him until he spilled but he simply did not have the energy for that. Kritika and Anuj stayed for about an hour, after which they left. Their parents were not willing to let them stay after the dark, and were waiting outside to drive them home.
The next day, he was told that seeing that he was recovering physically, an appointment with the psychologist has been set up in the evening. The doctor he had been seeing everyday came in again for another physical examination before they gave him breakfast. After that he was left alone to his thoughts until lunch. He would have been nervous and anxious about seeing a psychologist if he were capable of anything other than grief.
His session wasn't really long. He forgot her name, but she was quite understanding and considerate and didn't try to probe him. He was free way before the sun had set and as he strolled through the hallways towards his ward, he decided to look into the wards as he passed them, unlike before when he had walked the whole way looking at the floor. He saw a lot. Unconscious people, people in plasters, people on ventilators, people being operated on, people being examined, people crying in pain, people laughing at jokes. He tried but failed to feel anything for any of them. He felt like his mind had been hollowed out, leaving a huge void in him, which sometimes got filled with grief and despair. He was a mess. And he had no hope of ever being sorted out. His world had ended with his parents. He had his friends, but for how long? They had their families to go back to. He had nothing. Nothing at all.
He reached his ward and laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling as another shockwave of despair hit him full force, as he realised that he had nowhere left to go. He could not stand to look at his home, his parents had never introduced him to any relatives ever. Their only socialisation was in the town and in the town, he had no family. Outside the town, there was no family that he knew of and if there was, he wasn't sure they would be willing to take a child they never met or knew. His whole life, he had felt content with the limited company he had. But now, he felt totally alone.
As he was lost in his despair, there was a knock at his door.
He was used to people just barging into the ward, not paying him much mind. He looked over towards the door and found a spectacled woman peeking through it. A hesitant expression masked her features.
"May I come in Lohit? I would like to talk to you for a bit," she smiled a bit at him. He frowned but nodded at her. She entered and took the stool at his side.
"You might not know me. I am the gynaecologist at this hospital. My name is Dr. Radhika."
His frown deepened.
"I don't think I am pregnant."
She laughed at that, though he was quite serious.
"Oh no. That's not what I am here about. Well, you might not know this, but I was the one who delivered you when you were born. I was literally the first person to hold you." She said with a kind smile, which made his frown ease. She continued.
"It's been a long time since I saw your parents," she had a tinge of sadness in her voice, "your mother and I used to be really good friends back then. We met because of her pregnancy but soon we were meeting over teatimes and festivals. Over nine months we had formed quite a bond. Your mother had the quality of joking in the most adverse situations. Gods only know how that woman found it in herself to joke about it. But she always succeeded in lightening the mood. And this was the quality that always kept her hopeful and optimistic. You are there only child, but you are not their firstborn. She had four stillbirths before you. Even Raman had left all hope. But she hadn't. You were just like the others. She had frequent haemorrhages. Sometimes, your heartbeat was undetectable. Rarely were your scans promising. All medical knowledge pointed that the child would either be stillborn, or severely anaemic. We had no hope you ever surviving more that three hours if you were born. But you shocked us all. You came through. Completely fit, vitals in fabulous health. Never in my history as a practitioner have I seen a miracle of this sort. You were battling death before you were even born. This recent incident, was hell for you, that I know. But you just lost your parents once, after eleven beautiful years with them. They lost their child four times before you. Every time, they were left devoid of the pleasures of parenthood. But your mother never left hope and faith in life. She never gave up. And from the time I spent with that wonderful woman, I know she would wish for you to do the same. And I know you can do it. You brushed and escaped death every time it threatened you. You are a fighter Lohit. And I know you can get through this too. All you need to do is not to lose hope. As long as you can do that, no matter how much grief tries to break you, you will learn to survive it. Don���t try to through your emotions, learn to live with them. And if you ever need me," she placed a business card at the side table, "all you need to do is call me. And I will try my best to be there for you in any way you need me."
Long after she had gone, Lohit closed his eyes and for the first time in days he was faced with darkness. In no way was his grief any less. In no way had the woman magically lent him happiness.
It just became a bit more bearable.