{Musical Recommendation WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME ALONE NOW | by Fearless Motivation}
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, he's gone.
I don't even know what happened, once I realized I wasn't in a nightmare again. That there was no one, No John was going to wake me up or be holding me.
He's gone.
I feel like I'm just a empty husk, the second someone touches me is when the pain starts again. Only because its not him and it never will be. My chest has been replaced by a super, massive black hole that is sucking everything from within me.
Agony is not close to what I feel, it's worse. My soul has been ripped from my body and is being ripped to shreds with every second that passes as the pain gets deeper and deeper.
I'm shattered.
I'm lost.
.....
According to those around me it's been two weeks since John passed away and left me alone. I was present at the funeral for Farel and Lar's redcap brothers who died trying to save me. Or I should say their "send off with honor". Lar helped by teaching me the way to say goodbye, the way the Fae would say it to them. Alex was given the place of honor in the ceremony, not normally given to a human.
I paid my respects and thanked them all and said my goodbyes. All of this was so they could live easy in the next life.
The next life... if only I could join my love there.
When I sat back down, me and Alex eyes locked and we could both see each others agony.
Our bodies could no longer feel anything but the pain, tears were just constant streams. Even though the agony was so great, we were there. We were still alive and they were not. The tears could flow and form an ocean of what we have lost, for the pain was so great in us.
When the ceremony was over I merely looked at him and went up and grasped his shoulder firmly. He returned the gesture. As I left in a trance like state, Lar came rushing out to me.
"Mija, here." He grabs my hand and wraps a red string around a finger. "You are not alone. Mary, Maria, Sin. What ever you wish to be called, you are still our mija. Please remember that." He pats my hand and lets me go.
If I am not alone, why do I feel that way?
Lewis and John both were denied any honor or recognition by the government they worked so hard for. I turned in my badge and told them I was going on vacation, they actually had the audacity to ask when I was coming back.
"Long after you motherfuckers are dead and gone." I said with no emotions showing on my face or in my voice.
"Officer Sin!"
"Go fuck yourselves. I don't owe none of you any favors, and honestly, even if I never see you as long as I live, it wouldn't be long enough for me."
I left the building striding out like a damn goddess, like the Goddess of Pain and Rage that I am.
....
It's the first day I've been back to our, no, now it's just my house since Johns passing. Cass has been feeding Sinatra, taking care of him at Moll's where I have been staying lately. When I walk in I see the boxes of Johns stuff, I was told he had been packing when the feed came back on. I can't believe he actually left me, now, now I wish he had just moved out. At least he'd still be here .....
I walk through the house and go to my office. There on the desk are the divorce papers...
A note attached:
....
Mary,
I Love You.
I always will. Forever until the last speck of time is destroyed in eternity.
I will always Love you my favorite Sin.
Please go be happy, that's all I will ever want for you, because you deserve to be happy.
John.
.....
I collapse holding onto that letter like its the most precious thing in the world and for what felt like dear life.
'John, I will always love you too. How am I supposed to be happy without you though?'
'How do I continue with this hell you have left me in?'
'Why couldn't it have been me?!'
I put the note down and go look around at everything, memories flood every inch of the place.
I walk through the house and notice the door to his workroom is open, I see the giant shadowbox display he's been working on and turn on the light to look at it.
It's a timeline of us. I can't believe some of the things he's kept. I laugh at the "first love note" I gave him that I called him 'Mother Hen'.
A napkin from the lounge we went out for drinks the night we admitted we liked each other.
The little fortune papers out of our cookies from when we got takeout for dinner our first actual "night" together.
Some pictures of all of us at the office after a successful mission.
The picture of all of us saving the kids from becoming mules....Cass is in this picture still clutching tightly on to my arm too. I actually crack a smile looking at how annoyed you can tell I am.
The pebbles, shell and driftwood from our little trip after he admitted he loved me. And I did the same.
The cheesy tourists photos we took at the local castle. Oh how I never noticed how much his eyes sparkled looking at me in those pictures.
More trips, more fun times and BBQ's with his mom and Molly, Mark, and Cass.
Party's with our work friends and birthday's with family.
Director Lewis's big 50 birthday bash, he was so drunk that night, but he had so much fun.
Making wedding plans, Cass's graduation, Our wedding.... Norway.....
My will breaks as I start to remember more and renew the yearning for something I can't have.
I'll never have again...
I will never have you again, John...
John...
Come back to me please.
I run out of the house.
I have no direction, I just run.
I keep running long into the night, running, running like it will save me from the pain.
Running like it would help ease the harshness of reality that you're never coming back.
Never.
.....
When I finally stopped running, I don't know, I ran until I collapsed. When I woke up, I was in the hospital, Moll and them right at my bedside.
"She's awake!" Cass shakes Moll who seemed to have nodded off next to me.
"How long have I been out?"I ask, since this is an unusual occurrence.
"You were unresponsive when the ambulance was called and they picked you up. We've been here for about six hours waiting for you to wake up." Moll holds my hand tightly.
She takes a deep breath and nods to Mark and he leaves the room. Cass shakes his head, "I'm staying." She sighs and looks toward me.
"Aunt Mary, I know you're hurting and we're here for you, but if you can't call us and talk to us how do we know you're alright."
"Moll, love, I'll always be alright. I'm still alive." I smile grimly and forlornly, cause it's not like I can die.
"DAMN IT AUNTIE! You know damn well and good just because you can't die doesn't mean that you're alright! You were just tortured in unspeakable ways! You just lost John and you want to tell me that your alright?! What do ya take me for? A bloomin fool?"
She takes a breath and calms down a bit.
"This here." She points at me lying in the hospital bed, "THIS is NOT ALRIGHT. John would not want you to be completely lost like this. He knew what he risked to go save you and it didn't matter because you were more important than anything else in his life."
"Moll I know that!" I cry back at her as the waves of guilt start falling over me.
"Did you now?" she starts.
"Did you know your happiness meant more to him than anything else? So much so that he didn't tell you about inoperable tumor they found in his brain after the car wreck? That they gave him a year at best to live?!"
"..." My mouth hangs open and then I close it.
"No, no that's not true, he wouldn't keep something like that from me Mollie." I deny it. He wouldn't do that.....right? I look to Cass and I remember his attitude that day after the doctor left, the look the doctor gave me as he left.
The look on Cass's face says it all. They all knew and they kept that from me?
"You knew and didn't tell me?" I look at them both incredulous.
"It's not that we didn't want to tell you Sin. It wasn't our place to and he didn't want his last days with you to be you fretting and worried about him. He wanted life to be normal and he wanted you to be happy and enjoy the time. He didn't want you to be sad, especially when he was still around to see it."
"He just was starting to feel some of the effects of it in his mood and temperament. He would come and talk to Mark and Cass about things to try and unburden himself, so he wouldn't be hurting you. Now, that's a MAN WHO LOVED YOU."
She wiped the tears falling from her own eyes.
"Since Grans not around to tell ye, I have to be the one."
She takes another breath and uses a tissue while I'm sitting there holding myself.
"Ye dishonor the man ye love if ya weep o'er his memories, for if they were so precious you would'na be turning them into something painful."
She put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a pat, "I'll leave Cass with you for now. I have to go and let Mrs. Lacroix know that John's remains will be divided as she wished. He'll be with her family and ours too. She's aged over the last week, Mary. You should go visit her soon. I Love you Auntie."
She kisses my forehead and nods to Cass as she leaves. It's just me and Cass in the room and awkwardly he sits on the side of the bed and opens his arms for me to fall into his chest and hold me while I cry some more.
"What am I going to do now, Cass? I can't work for those two faced liars in the council and I refuse to be their damn puppet in any of the other bureaus. I don't know what I can do to help me get through this."
"We could free-lance together?" Cass suggests.
"What happened to your intern-ship with the bureau?"
He looks away proudly and a little embarrassed too, "I told them that I couldn't work for them if they couldn't keep their promises. I no longer work for them and can just finish college now, before I'm 18."
"Cass, I thought working there was your dream?"
"No, my dream was helping YOU take out the bad guys." He clarified.
"Oh...that's right, John did say something along those lines once." I start to gaze off into memory and Cass pulls me out of it.
"Yeah and I can see it now! We can have a theme song and everything!" He was getting excited.
"Hold on there, theme song?" I give him a questionable eyebrow raise.
"Yeah like that old show John would watch with me, you know the A- Team!" Enthusiastic as he was my face went blank.....
"No.... UH NO" I chuckle in disbelief... "sorry Cass that's not happening."
"What?! Why? That would be awesome, I can see it now...." He starts humming the theme song and I actually laugh.
"Okay Cass, you finish college and we can freelance together, but you're my eye in the sky, you are not to be going into any situations physically. You understand?"
He smiles humming the theme song and holding me a little tighter.
"And no that is not our theme song."
He scoffs disagreeably and rolls his eyes, "Fine.... whatever no awesome theme song."
After a little while I remember to say something, "Hey Cass."
"Yeah, Sin?" He sounds just as sleepy as I feel but he still sits there holding me close.
"Thank you." I say before falling asleep.