My roomate asked me what i do for 25 m8n in the shower, I told her that I was arranging the shampoo bottles in decreasing order of quantity left, I told her that i was watching a spider tap dance on the windowsill.
I don't tell her that it was 10 min of actual showering and and 15 min of trying not to hate myself to look at the mirror and find one bone, one nail, one strand that i could cherish.
25 min of asking myself weather washing my dirt away could truly make me clean, I hide my ruined edges under layers of cloth and paint, attempting to smoothen my curves and corners not realizing that I'm not made of plaster and wood, I'm flesh and blood and if i chisel my flesh I could draw that blood.
Mamma asked me to dig deeper within myself to find what I love and what love's me so I spent 25 min, digging and tearing at my skin to carve a new flesh, forge a new body can I reconstruct myself into a cast that would fit better,
I don't detest the way I look, I detest the way I feel in this body or the way that I can't believe that someone could choose to look at me, I'm small.
Mamma asked me what do u mean by small? and I tell her that this room is a box and this world is a bigger box and we are all trapped in boxes of different sizes, living narrative that we own no longer.
Mamma asked me what do u mean by trapped? I told her that when u live inside a cage for too long u became the cage, there was something choking my throat and when I pulled it out it was my own voice.
Mamma asked me what do u mean by choked? and I told her that I bite my tongue so violently that the word's shatter, that the mask I wear has sad eyes but pretty smile.
Mamma asked me if I'm alright? and I told her that I'm fine, I'm fine I have been fine for as long as I can fathone nothing breaks me invincible, I'm stronger then the tides that consume, I'm fine, fine, fine and I tell them I'm fine, as through I wear fine like a shield around me, that sympathy penetrates my skin like bullets and set's my body on fire that I'm fine the word fine would kill me one day.
Mamma said that I have wings, that I have wings, no mamma I'm inside a cocoon ans I can't break through and now, this is my home, Mamma said that I'm better then them all, that I'm perfect but mamma I wan to be better then myself for just 25 min I don't want perfect mamma, I want to be just fine,
My roomate asked me what I do for 25 min in the shower, I told her that I was doing the laundry.