"Please?" Claire clasped her hands and looked into her mother's eyes.
"For the last time Claire," Her mother turned back to her phone, "No."
Claire whined. Her mother groaned, put her phone down and gave her another look. Her eyes went to Claire's feet.
"...Did you climb onto my bed with your shoes on, young lady?"
Claire blinked. "I…"
She had indeed done so. She scooted back, still on her knees, till her shoes were hanging off the bed. She looked back at her mother and widened her eyes, trying to look pleading.
Her mother stared back at her for a second, before sighing and standing up. "Off of the bed now, come here." She beckoned.
Claire nodded and got off the bed. She couldn't help but feel some hesitation in going to her mom, which was soon dispelled as she noticed her open arms.
She walked right into the hug. Sure, it was preceded by that little light slap to the head that her mother did whenever she chided her, but it was largely a hug.
A big, warm, comfortable, and most importantly safe hug.
Claire released a breath she didn't even know she was holding, then promptly borrowed her face into her mom's shoulder.
"It'll be alright." Her mother ran a hand through her hair. "You're big now, and you're going there with friends. Nothing bad will happen."
Claire nodded. She knew her mother was right — it was just a trip to the mall. Her friends had wanted to go there, and Claire was given no choice.
"I know… I'm still scared." She admitted.
She still remembered that day clearly. Or well, how that day felt at least — the day itself was a blur even when she was living through it.
She had been five. Her first trip to the mall after her condition had really started to kick in. It was also some sort of a seasonal holiday. It must have been. There's no way the mall could be as crowded as she remembered on a regular day.
It was just her and her mother too. Her father was away again.
Her condition was related to the amount of people around her. The larger the crowd around her, the more times she'd have to travel back. But it also depended on choice. The more choices people make, the more likely it was for her to go back.
So, it wouldn't come as much of a surprise that a place like the mall — on a holiday no less — would have completely overwhelmed her.
It didn't matter much in the beginning. Even though she couldn't keep track of anything, kept being thrown back in time and being overwhelmed by the crowd, she was still with her mother. She told her mother that she wanted to go home, and her mother had told her that they would do that soon. That they just needed to go to one last shop.
"You're big enough to take care of yourself, Claire. You've been to malls so many times since then" Her mother's voice pulled her out of the reverie.
"Yeah… Always with you though." Claire muttered. "I know I can't get lost again. I just… It's still a bit scary."
She looked up to see her mother's face and pleaded once again. "Can't you come with me? I'll feel more comfortable with you there…?"
Her mother sighed. "You'll be there with your friends, right? Will any of their parents be coming?"
Claire looked down and shook her head.
"Wouldn't it be awkward for me to come with, then?" Her mother asked.
Claire nodded solemnly. "Yeah…"
She heard the characteristic buzz of a vibrating phone.
"That's mine—" Her mother muttered as she broke out of the hug and reached for the phone.
Claire watched as she browsed through the message that she'd received.
"—and that's work. The students want a doubt session." She sighed.
Claire whined softly. "That's a hard no, then?"
Her mother nodded once again. "You know, you don't have to go if you're that uncomfortable with it. You can just tell them you're not going."
"But I want to go!" Claire refuted. "All my friends will be there and I wanna spend time with them!"
"And you wanted me to come with you?"
Claire stayed silent for a moment, before asking "Can I call you if I feel uncomfortable…?"
Her mother looked at her and smiled, before ruffling her hair a little. "Of course. Even if I'm teaching by then. I'll pick it up, okay?"
Claire let out another breath. "Okay."
She took in a deep breath. There was nothing to be afraid of. She was just overreacting. She—
She couldn't help it. At least her mother understood.
Claire turned to leave and prepare for her trip.
"Hey," her mother called out from behind her. "I can come pick you up. You know, in case you still feel scared."
Claire returned a little smile to her mother. "Thank you."
===
The wait was agonizing. Claire couldn't help but keep thinking about what had happened. Maybe she would feel better once she was there, but just sitting in her living room and waiting for Jerry to pick her up was agonizing.
She had gotten lost in the mall that day, all thanks to this condition of hers. Back then it hadn't stabilized like it had now. While these days each time she hopped back in time she would only go back around an hour or so, but back then the range was much more extensive. At times she'd go back only a couple of minutes, but at others she'd be away for three, maybe four hours.
She couldn't remember exactly how it happened -- Perhaps someone bumped into them, causing Claire and her mother's hands to dislodge while they were heading to their last store -- but in just a moment's time, she'd gotten disoriented and turned around, with her mother's guiding hand nowhere in sight.
She must have been closeby, but Claire was already having a hard time making sense of anything in that crowd, and the sudden loss of her mother's hand had driven her into blind panic.
So, instead of doing the reasonable thing and calling out for her mom, or even staying in the same spot, her five year old self decided to do the first thing that came into her mind.
She ran straight in the direction she'd found herself facing. She ran straight into the midst of the crowd.
Perhaps that would still have been fine -- She couldn't possibly have gone far with her tiny legs.
And that was indeed the case! Not long after she'd found herself to be lost, she remembered seeing her mother's face approaching her.
But, then someone lucked out.
In the blink of an eye, where Claire had once seen her mother rushing towards her, she suddenly found more crowd.
This confused her and scared her. She immediately did the most rational thing she could think of at the time.
She hid.
She ran into the first shop she could find and hid under a shelf. She had a bit of a habit of hiding under things when she got scared back then. Her mother had often found her under her bed after a nightmare filled night.
A couple of times she thought she'd had her mother calling out her name, but she couldn't see outside very well, so she didn't come out.
She hid there for quite a while. Maybe she traveled back in time a couple of times too but she couldn't tell.
Eventually, a staff member of the store found her. The woman asked for her name, tried to console her, and eventually was able to coax her out from under the shelves.
The two went out to find her mother, until of course, Claire went back in time, and back under the shelves again.
This time she stayed hidden for longer. For long enough that she got scared that her mother might have gone back home without her.
So she headed out herself. She rushed out the store and into the crowd, running around and calling her for her mother.
A few people tried to help her, but she'd always go back before she reached her mother.
Eventually she broke down crying. She'd been there for hours. Maybe even close to a whole day. She'd walked more than she ever had before, talked to more people than she'd ever had before. She'd gotten scolded a couple of times for running.
She'd caught sight of her mother a couple of times, but she could never reach her. She was tired -- physically and mentally exhausted.
She wanted to go home. She wanted to sleep. She wanted her mother's company. The mall was too big, the crowd too thick.
Crying, huddled up near a bench -- That's how her mother had found her. The time Claire had spent being lost was perhaps Claire's clearest memory from those years. She couldn't even remember what happened after her mother had found, just the time she'd been scared and lost.
It felt silly, thinking back at it all. There was no way something like that could happen again. She was almost three times the age of lost-in-the-mall Claire.
Yet, Claire still felt anxious.
The bell rung.
Claire jumped out of the dining room chair and rushed over to the front door.
She opened it up to her friends.
It was time. Time to face the mall again. Without her mother this time.