I didn't sleep well that night and after about the fifth time waking up Sebastian with my constant tossing and turning, I got up stealthily. I was surprised he didn't realize I had gotten up. Tonight he seemed so in tune with my every move. I was still weak and all of me hurt, but I needed some fresh air and to also go check on Jaspen. I gritted my teeth in pain as I tugged on my boots and grabbed my cloak and dagger. I leaned over our cot thinking to perhaps give Sebastian a quick peck on his cheek, but decided against the idea. I didn't want to wake him.
I knew he was mad at me still and would probably be mad at me in the morning when he woke to find I was gone, but he would forgive me eventually. He never could hold anger towards me. As much as we drove each other mad, that was one thing we both had in common. We forgave easily. I loved that about Sebastian. He was slowly becoming less jaded and not as sensitive.
I opened the door with a squeak of the hinges, but no one stirred. Everyone was so exhausted from the fight that they slept so soundly. I didn't think they would stir before noon. I just hoped I would be back before Sebastian woke or stirred. I didn't want to make him angry with me again. He didn't trust me around Jaspen, but Jaspen needed to be tended to. He was so weak from the battle.
My breath caught in my throat and I stopped. Was it out of fear from remembering his transformation and him fighting with fire or was it because, even though I didn't want to admit it, a small part of me was attracted to him? I sighed heavily. Maybe Bash had a right not to trust me around Jaspen.
I walked briskly as light snow fell and the sky was a gloomy, gray smoke. Every step hurt and my ribs burned, but my pride was hurt worse. I had my chance to kill Maverick and I had frozen up and had almost died. Jaspen may have be right. Maybe I didn't have it in me to kill someone- even with the right intentions. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist. Why did it seem that Bash and Jaspen knew me better than I even did?
I soon came to the inn called Shadowed Night that Jaspen was housed in. It was close to the black market district and pretty run down and most of the windows were either boarded up or broken. I shivered and entered. The owner didn't even stop me as I went up the stairs. The floorboards squeaked underfoot and there was really no light. All the lanterns had burned out. I held on to the weak railing as I climbed upstairs and entered Jaspen's room. It was the first door at the top of the stairs on the right.
I opened the door slowly, but saw, as I entered, that he was sitting on the floor by the fire. When he looked over at me, I saw how bleak his eyes looked. I froze. Perhaps I was slightly afraid of him. Seeing the markings on his torso glowing like the sun except for one- the one that looked like fire on his shoulder that had shone with a bright purple hue- was a scary sight. His hair had turned white and his eyes had been more gold than a new gold noble. My heart pounded at the memory.
"How … how are you feeling?" I asked trying to break the silence.
He blinked twice and cocked his head to one side and his eyes showed a bit more light. "I should be asking you that. You looked… I thought you had died," he whispered.
I walked in farther, shutting the door behind me.
He patted to the floor beside him and I sat down next to him. He looked at me oddly.
"What?" I asked.
"I just… Did I hurt you? I saw how you froze in the doorway.
He sounded so broken. Like one step away from falling off the edge into a pit. The way he looked at me as if I was glass or an illusion made me feel sorry for him. He looked so vulnerable at the moment; his hair messy and oily from sweat. His eyes had dark rings under them as if he hadn't slept in days and you could tell he was still pretty drained of power.
"Sasha?" he asked worriedly.
I bit my lip and tasted blood. I didn't realize my fangs were that sharp.
"No," I said, looking at the fire.
"How did you end up looking like … like that then?" he asked quiety.
He was referring how I looked dead. Sebastian had said for a few moments, I had died. I had taken a nasty sword to the front that had barely missed my heart. I had been lucky to live. The healer had been in shock. The bandages around my torso were wrapped pretty tightly.
"I had shoved myself in front of you to save you from Maverick killing you. You don't remember?"
He looked shocked.
"No," he said, placing his head in his hands.
"How?" I asked, confused.
He sat there silently. I waited patiently.
"I- Rowan took control," he whispered with the sound of a heavy heart.
"Rowan?"
"I get possessed," he whispered. "The markings on me are the markings of a Scortha that bind them to a dead warrior during wartime. They make us stronger, but the strength comes with a great …. great heavy price."
I heard him choke on his words. Was Jaspen actually crying?
I wrapped my arm loosely around his waist and he fell against my side, his head resting on my shoulder. I felt a wet spot begin to grow on my shirt. Oh Jaspen. I restrained myself from running my fingers through his hair.
"I lose consciousness when he's in control … but what he does comes to me when I sleep. My mind's way of… of catching me up. I've killed ... killed so many and when I saw you…. if I would have killed you…like I killed her… how he had killed her..."
How long had he held this in? How could anyone hold so much in? He sounded so bitter.
"Everyone I love is taken from me always," he whispered darkly. "You'd do well to stay away from me."
He pulled away from me and wiped the tears from his face. "Go back to your betrothed, Sasha. Where you should be."
That stung.
"No."
He looked at me confused. "I said go, Sasha."
"No," I growled. "You're not shutting me out."
"If you died because of me, I'd never forgive myelf!"
"I won't," I growled. "I'm your friend, Jaspen. Friends don't leave someone at their lowest."
He said nothing and refused to look at me.
"Jaspen."
He didn't loo at me.
"Sasha, please… It's not safe to be near me. I'm dangerous … he's dangerous! Why don't you understand that?"
I looked at him. He was a broken man. More so than Sebastian. Was he fixable? Was there a complete Jaspen under all this hurt?
I grabbed his jaw, trying to make him look at me, but he jerked his head away. "Sasha," he growled.
Jaspen…"
"Sasha, I'm drawn to you," he confessed quietly. "But you aren't mine to try to make happy. I know I'm as wrong for you as Sebastian…."
My breath caught and my stomach felt light. Had he just said that? Of course he had. Jaspen was blunt. Very blunt.
"This is why I'm saying you should steer clear of me," he said darkly. "Do it for your own good, because I'm not good for you, Sasha."
I looked at him. Did he guess I was drawn to him too? That I felt like a string was tugging us together and no matter what we did to stop ourselves, we would go a little mad inside trying to stay away from each other. I always had to resist the urge to touch him in some way- holding his hand; moving his long hair out if his face or, I'd rather not admit it, but kissing him.
"Stop looking at me like that," he snapped, lookng at me.
His eyes blazed almost completely metallic gold. I could tell he was doing it on purpose trying to scare me.
"Stop trying to scare me away," I said frustrated.
He sighed, holding his head in his hands. I wrapped one arm loosely around his shoulder and he yet again fell against me. For someone trying to push me away, he seemed to like being comforted. I ran my fingers through his hair, enjoying the silence. It wasn't long until I heard his heavy breathing and his full weight on my side. Oh, did it hurt, but I didn't want to wake him.