Chapter 4 - Hassan

I woke up in a drunken stupor rubbing my eyes.

"Sari?" I slurred. "Sari, I had the--"

I stopped myself, remembering it was all real. That Sari was really gone and I had a child that wasn't even mine, but was the last piece of her I had. I wiped the silent tears from my eyes and rested my head in my palms wondering what was I do with this … this Jaspen boy. I had no reason to keep him, but I also had no reason to go back to being a border guard. I sighed as my thoughts jumbled. It was a thought for a clearer mind. I lay back down in my cot and lost my mind to sweeter memories.

(Dream memory start) It was a year or so after I had freed her and I had come back from yet another war. She had yet to find a suitor that I knew of. It seemed as though she wasn't really trying too hard though, or at least it seemed like it when I had been home last. If she still hadn't found anyone to court her when I got home, I would ask for her hand myself. There was something about her that I just couldn't get out from under my skin and I refused to ignore it any longer.

She was asleep when I came in that night and I let her sleep. I placed my equipment by my chest and went out to join the men for a night of drinking to leave her to her dreams. I stopped drinking after two glasses of wine and went back to my tent for I really wasn't much in the mood to celebrate and ate what was left of my bread that I hadn't eaten at breakfast and fell asleep at the table.

I felt someone shake my shoulder gently.

"Hassan?" she asked.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and smiled. She had to be the most beautiful woman I had ever met, but did she love me? I was afraid to ask her the question for what if she didn't have that kind of fondness for me?

"Sari," I said tiredly.

"When did you get back?" she asked. "I didn't know you would be here or I would have left stew on the fire for you last night."

I ran my hands over my pockets for the ring I had kept for quite some time.

"Sorry. I didn't think we would beat the messenger back."

"It was a wonderful surprise," she said happily. "Are you alright? You look skittish as a pup."

She had always worried about my well being.

"I just… …"

Was I really at a loss for words with er?

"Hassan, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing is wrong. I just… Sari, I love you," I spluttered. "I love you."

A look of shock and something else crossed her face. Everything slowed down and I felt my heart beating faster in my chest. I had never felt so afraid of rejection in my life, but here I was waiting for her words of rejection. Within an instant she wrapped her arms around me awkwardly.

"I love you too, Hassan."

I looked up at her to see a few tears roll down her cheeks and I wiped one away.

"Why are you crying then?"

"I never thought you would say it," she said. "I never assumed you would feel the same as I did. At first I thought it was because you freed me and it was a misplaced form of gratitude, but I realized later on it was because I had fallen in love with my stone soldier for no rhyme or reason."

I blinked. "How can you love a monster, Sari?"

She stroked my cheek. "You are not the monster you claim to be. I have watched you change, Hassan. You're not the lost soldier you were all those years ago when you first bought me into your household."

"Will you do me the honor of marrying me then, Sari?" I asked, taking the small, silver band out of my pocket.

"Aye," she said, slipping i on.

(end dream memory)

****

"Hassan?" someone whispered later. "Hassan?"

I woke with a start and sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Aye?"

I recognized it as Leanne. Her thin figure stood in the doorway, but with no foot on the rug for it was custom for a married woman not to step foot in the house of a man who was married or widowed unless he allowed it or his wife was home.

"My family has asked if you wanted to have dinner with us and perhaps meet your son."

I bit back telling her that he wasn't my son, but it would ruin how people saw Sari for I could never prove what my king had done.

"I am not presentable to be out."

"Wash up and we'll see you by dusk."

I grumbled lightly, but nodded. Leanne was the closest person I had to family here. My tribe had been completely wiped out by the Shemesh tribe except for a few boys of fighting age and a few girls that were sold into slavery. I had once had a brother, but war, as was a normality, had taken him from me too some years ago. I barely remembered my tribe, my home, but some memories lingered in the back of my memory and came to me at the oddest time like when I smelled pomegranates in the market or peppered pork meat over a burning fire.

"Very well. How fares ... fares my son?"

"He is well and lively. My daughter has taken a liking to him and has been caring for him other than for when he needs fed."

I nodded. "Thank you."

She smiled. "Anytime, Hassan."

She left and I stumbled out to the well in the middle of the village and drew a bucket of water before going to wash up and redress. I used my mirror to trim my hair for it had grown long in my time away. When I was done, it was time to go see Leanne and seem happy to hold my son. I sighed, putting up my barriers. I could not fall apart – not tonight.

"Thekros?" I called into their home. "Leanne?"

I heard a baby wail and Leanne came to the door with Sari's son in her arms, trying to soothe him. The boy looked at me and the flecks in his eyes were now blue instead of the gold they had been the day before. The only way that could happen was by Ginfried having his physician work his magic on the boy. The King's physician is the only one trained in natural medicine as well as shamanic practices and was the head priest that trained new shaman's and physicians and saw over all our rituals to make sure they were conducted properly.

"Come in. Do you want to hold him?"

I nodded and she placed the small child in my arms. I held him awkwardly. I was holding the thing that had taken my wife through the veil of the living to that of the dead, yet he looked so innocent that it made my gut turn. Why had the king taken my wife from me? This boy had played his part, yes, but he hadn't had the choice to be the illegitimate son of the king. It was the only thing that kept me from unleashing my wrath on this child.

"What's his name?" asked Leanne, pulling up a stool for me that I took still mystified by the small child I was holding.

"Sari... Sari named him Jaspen," I said, feeling a part of my wall chip.

She touched my shoulder. "That's a strong name."

I nodded not knowing what else to say. Jaspen was a name derived from the old texts and meant "guided warrior". It was a name rarely used and I was surprised that Sari had named him it. She probably didn't know the meaning of the name and more likely just liked the sound of it.

Thekros entered, clapping me on the back. "Welcome, Hassan."

I nodded in greeting.

He was a tall man- a half demon that worked as a blacksmith. He had the dark hair of all desert nomads that fell just below his shoulders that he held back with a piece of leather. In one ear he had three silver studs. He had high cheekbones with a taught jaw. His eyes were the midnight black of all our kind with a luminous sheen of purple flecks. He was all thick muscle from working in the forge with golden bands on his biceps. He wore his usual leather pants with a waist apron and black boots and no shirt. You could see the whip marks still on his broad shoulders and back from the years before he left his tribe that viewed Raksheesh as a slave race- inferior to all demons. If I were to leave Sari's son with anyone it would be with Thekros and his wife Leanne who I trusted with my life.

"We will dine soon," he said. "Thank you for joining us."

"Thank you for having me," I said, turning my attention back to the boy.

Sari's son looked up at me with the kind of love any child showed at their age. He was slowly looking less like the monster I had thought of him as the previous day.

"Have you decided to keep him then?" asked Leanne as she stirred the stew.

"I haven't decided anything yet," I said in a whisper. "I'm close to moving up to general if I stay where I am."

"What of the boy then?"

"Leanne, I do not know."

She said nothing more, knowing that she was pressing me too far. I looked down at the boy again. It would look strange to give up the son of Sari because everyone knew how much she had meant to me, but what I didn't know is if I could handle looking at this small piece of her every day for the rest of my life.

Leanne, and Thekros and their daughter left me alone for a few minutes to finish dinner and I looked down at this boy.

"What am I going to do with you, boy?" I said roughly.

He looked up at me with an awed look on his face and drool rolled down his cheek. He had the dark skin of my entire race, but it was a lighter tint from Sari's skin mixing with the king's. He was a small boy. "I can't have a boy calling me father," I whispered. "Why am I kidding myself? All I know is how to hold a sword. I have no idea how to take care of you and I would not want another mortal taking care of you."

The boy kept looking at me, mystified, wrapping his small fingers around one of mine. Slowly, I was warming up to this child. He wasn't mine by any degree other than Sari had borne him and I was her husband.

"Don't look at me like that, boy."

It was as if he knew I was on the fence about keeping him and was trying to get me to. Perhaps this was Sari's will and perhaps not. I wasn't sure. Even if I was, there was no way I was could keep him.

Soon, they all returned and dinner was served. The food was good and the drink was even better. When I left for the night, I handed Leanne the boy.

"Have you made your decision?" she asked gently, looking down at the sleeping form of the boy.

"Aye," I whispered. "It would mean the world to me if you would take my son as long as it is not a burden on you."

She smiled gently. "Are you sure? I thought you would want him."

I sighed. "I can't. The king will have another mortal in my house and I can't bear that right now, not so shortly after Sari's death, and I won't be able to give him the proper attention he needs."

"We will gladly take him," she said. "Won't we?"

Thekros nodded. "I've always wanted a son."

"The only thing I ask is that you raise him as your own, I don't want him knowing I was his father. I don't want him thinking there was something wrong with him and that is why I didn't want him."

They looked at me oddly. "Aye... If this is your wish."

I nodded. "Yes, this is how it must be."

Thekros didn't say anything for a moment, but I could tell he wanted to say something more.

"Spit it out," I groaned.

"We will take him on one condition."

"You just agreed to take him."

"We will if you will do the Blood Relation ceremony with me and become my brother."

I inwardly cursed Thekros. He was doing this so no matter what I would be tied to the boy for life. I knew Thekros was only doing this because he thought Jaspen was mine. If he knew the truth, he would understand why I wasn't keeping the boy. If I didn't do the ceremony, I would have the boy permanently in my household.

"Fine... fine. I will go see the shaman in the morning to ask for it to be done."

"I'm holding you to that, Hassan."

I waved him off and headed the short ways back to my hut.