August 2nd 12:53 am
Hello. Okay, my life is so confusing right now, I've decided that I want to have sex with Chris. Right, so I told him and everything and he seemed shocked really. So ya, I thought great, when the time is right, we will. He knows now that it's ok for him to go further than before.
But today I've had my doubts. I'm worried about getting pregnant but that's not what's stopping me. I want to get closer to him again but I don't know if our relationship is strong enough anymore. I thought maybe this would help bring us back to where we were.
You know I love him more than anything in the world, I would do anything for him but I just don't feel that he feels the same way anymore. I know he loves me and everything but he never acts like it unless we're alone.
And I guess all these girls still call him and he never tells them about me unless they ask. Like hello?
And he gets mad at me when I meet a guy and don't tell them I have a boyfriend, which really has only happened once. He just doesn't make any sense.
I know no one is perfect so I don't see why I worry so much. But I guess I'm just a born worrier.
Oh and by the way, it's my little brother's birthday and Chris's today. Chris is 18.
You know sometimes I think he doesn't appreciate me. But I know it's just in my head. Like okay, if he was so worried about me meeting guys and stuff why can't I just go out with him to his friend's parties or at least invite me and I could go with my own friends.
But fuck, I'm just killing myself thinking about this. It's okay that we have our own friends and do separate things. But it feels like nothing is ever going to change and that's what scares me.
I love him to death and I get so jealous sometimes, I don't know, it's really weird right now. I would never ever break-up with him though, that would totally suck even more. I can't picture life without Chris. He's just so awesome. Like he used to treat me like I was so special and that I meant everything to him. Now I feel second best and I'm totally bummed.
I just wish he knew what the hell I'm going through.