Two weeks have passed and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because my bestfriend isn't talking to me. Since the day we had the conversation about she and Al-amin she withdrew from me, I feel bad for judging her but I won't back down from letting her know that what she did was wrong.
The lecturer calls it a day. I'm sitting in the last row in the lecture hall and I can see Zainab clearly from my position. She's so angry with me that she doesn't even come to school with me in the same cab. The house feels like there's no air and I don't know how to approach her and talk to her because on one side is Zainab and on another side is the voice in my head that constantly reminds me of Habib and the fear of bumping into him. My mind is in constant battle and I feel like she's unfair to me so I have withdrawn too.
Hassan and I have gotten closer within these two weeks. He checks up on me everyday and I check up on him too. I like how my friendship with him is going, talking to him is refreshing and therapeutic.
My thoughts get interrupted by my phone, I look around and there's no one left in the hall. I turn my phone screen over and it's Hassan calling. Speak of the devil I say when I pick up.
Have you been thinking of me? he says jokingly.
Hassan and I have created a safe environment for ourselves where we communicate freely and easily like brother and sister.
I was thinking of food
Ouch but Where's Zainab? I haven't heard from her in awhile His question is sudden, I haven't been able to tell him about the little fued going on between us so I lie.
She hasn't been around for days. I lie.
Where has she gone to?
Home. I mean her house in Kaduna.
I hope everything is well with her?
Yes, she's fine. How are you? Has there been any progress with job hunting? I say changing the topic quickly so that he doesn't notice that I'm hiding something from him because I know that I'm a bad liar.
He sighs, a deep sigh. I already know the answer.
Life isn't easy for a nobody like me in the country Falak. I'll keep searching but there hasn't been any progress so far. The interview went well I'll be expecting a response later today or tomorrow morning.
I feel bad for him, because he's jobless, he just broke up with his girlfriend and he's on the verge of breaking down. But I like that he still finds time to put a smile on my face.
Where are you? I inquire.
I got back home from an interview.
Well, I'll come and pick you up for lunch and don't say no. I say commandingly.
He chuckles and I end the call. I pick my notebooks and put them in my backpack at the same time I make my way out of the lecture hall. Yes, I still wear a backpack at 22.
As I make my way out of the school gate to locate the Uber I booked I bump into someone.
I need to start watching where I'm going. I reprimand myself because I keep bumping into people. "Watch where you're going miss." As I look up, it's a boy from my class in secondary school. Wonders shall never end, I yell in my mind. What a weird coincidence.
"Samuel!!" I yell as he tries to get himself together. It seems like he's unable to recognize me but when our eyes lock a bright smile appears on his face.
"Have you forgotten me so quickly?" I tease him.
"How can I forget these rare piercing blue eyes. The only girl I know with the name Falak and the only girl that didn't crush on me in high school."
I laugh. He's right about that, I have always been a stronghead but Habib crosses my mind and my mood changes slightly because it seems like after school I had let all my guards down and allowed a man toy with my feelings. Feelings meant to be taking care of by myself and no one else.
My phone rings and it's the Uber driver. I see a dark blue Lexus across the street with a man waving at me to hurry up. I wonder how he knows that I am the passenger he's about to drive.
"I was going somewhere Samuel, talk later?"
"Yes, but first I need your number. Maybe this time you'd fall for me like you should have."
His arrogance is still intact, it irks me but I plaster a smile on my face as I give him my number. He and I can never happen and that's on God but there's nothing wrong in giving an old classmate my number and catching up.
"It's 0803400000* Maybe we could hang out over dinner?"
"I see that you can't wait to get to know me. I'll be there whenever you want me to Falak."
I face-palm as I cross the street to meet the driver I apologize for wasting his time and as I enter the car the cold breeze from the ac calms me. I tell the driver Hassan's location and plug my airpods and play Way Too big by Burna Boy.
<<<<<
"You're really selfless Falak. No one has ever been so interested in making me feel good as you do."
I bend my head with a smile on my face, if Hassan keeps talking this way I would have no choice but to be uncomfortable around him but I know that he's just grateful.
"It's nothing."
There's fried rice on my side and jollof rice for Hassan, he keeps wondering why I prefer fried rice to jollof and I say it's because I'm Elite.
"There's so much I don't know about you, this girl. Who picks Friedrice over Jollof?"
"Me"
"Your ajebo no be for here o" he says jokingly.
I laugh and think of how Ajebutter is the last thing I can be called.
We finish eating at the same time and I pay for the food. He's really grateful and as we walk out of the restaurant I pray that he gets a job soon, so that he can have peace within himself.
It's 4pm, the Uber dropped him off at his house and I'm on my way back home. As the driver stops due to a traffic sign I sight a book shop. I suddenly want to enter and get the notebook and book I wanted to get the day I stumbled upon Habib.
"Can you drive to the bookshop on the other side of the road please?"
He nods his head and as soon as the lights turn green he swerves and takes me to the bookshop. I pay him and thank him as I walk into the store.
My backpack is searched by the security woman by the door, I greet her with a smile and walk in. There are more than a thousand books in the store and if I don't hurry up and get what brought me I may end up buying more than I planned. I walk up to the aisle where stationaries are stacked to find a cute book. There's a book with a gold cover that says pick me. I immediately pick it up because it's really cute, it has 200 pages, enough to last me a while.
I walk up to the fiction aisle and check for November 9 by Colleen Hoover. I read the review a month back and the book has been stuck in my mind. Thankfully, I find it but as I turn a book with a cover and a black woman catches my attention, the title is Ajike by an author named Vivian Uduh. The name catches my attention and the cover of course, I know they say don't judge a book by its cover but my heart tells me it'll be an amazing read. While walking away another book gets my attention, I badly want to ignore it but I can't. The name of the book is Fever in the heart by an author named Murjana Alkali.
I don't mind if I spend more than I bargained on books, I pick both books and giggle as I walk up to the counter. The attendant watches me suspiciously. I'm sure she's wondering why I'm smiling all by myself or maybe she isn't a reader and is wondering if I'm excited because of books. I swipe my verve card and the transaction is successful. As I walk out of the book shop I pray for my mom who has been there for me, taking care of my siblings and I and never making me feel the loss of our father. I pray for my father too and it feels heavy in my tongue because I haven't prayed for him in a long time.
<<<<
I step into the apartment. I say Assalamualaikum, invoking peace in the house because I know that Zainab is in. She answers to the Salam in a low tone but I still catch it. I want to ask her if she has eaten, when I look at her now, she looks lean, like a different Zainab. Her big eyes are in, it's like she hasn't been sleeping well, she looks sick and I feel guilty for not noticing earlier.
I walk up to the couch she's sitting on and sit beside her. It's really hard to keep malice with a friend, there's so much we have shared to end it over something like this. If she has done something bad and I have told her my mind then I'm in no place to keep judging her and making her feel bad about it because it's between her and her creator and if He wills he would forgive her.
I embrace her, with the way she's stiff I know that she didn't expect it but seconds later she hugs me back.
"I'm sorry I say" hoping she forgives me. "I wish I had been better"
She rubs my back and nods her head in understanding. One thing about Zainab is that she has a good heart, a forgiving heart and that's why she is never worried because she never holds anyone in her mind. Now I see why she has leaned down and looks sick, it's because since we became friends we have never fought and she doesn't know how to approach me.
"I forgive you, I never even held you in contempt Falak, I promise."
I say sorry still and as we leave each other's embrace I show her the books I bought.
"I'll read this one," she says, holding Ajike up.
"You have good taste" I say smiling. "But I'll be reading Coollen's book because I have been wanting to since last month."
Later that night after we had eaten dinner I said goodnight to Hassan. Zainab lays her head on my lap as she reads Ajike and I read It ends with us. Both of us at peace with each other.
<<<<<<
It's 2am and I'm woken up suddenly by knocking on the door. I walk up to the door and open it. When my eyes clear I almost fall when I see who's standing there.
"Dad?" I whisper but he doesn't say anything as he walks right past me.
My dad helps himself on the couch, he beckons with his hand for me to join him. I'm scared but at the same time happy to be able to see his face after three years of locking him in my mind.
"I came to say hello because you haven't seen me in a while"
I don't know what to say.
"The reason why I'm here is because it's time for you to let me live freely in your mind. You have locked me up for so long, it's time to let go of your fears." his voice sounds the same, that sonorous voice.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks." How do I do that father?"
"Forgive yourself."
"I wish it was that easy."
"Nothing is beyond your capacity as long as you set your mind to it."
As I try to touch him he disappears and I wake up. I see Zainab sitting beside me, she has been tapping me for a while now, she says that I began to cry in my sleep.
"Are you ok?" she asks but I tell her nothing. I walk up to the toilet to clean my face, I stare at my reflection in the mirror, my blue eyes are staring back at me. It was a dream I say but when I look at my eyes again I see my father in them, is it time to let go of my past? Is it time to tell my mother what I did?
Zainab taps on the toilet door. "You have been in there for a while now Falak, are you sure you're alright."
I tell her that I'm alright.
"You haven't been the same since you saw Habib and if you keep up with this you would always be sad."
"I don't need this right now, I said that I'm fine." I replied yelling. I immediately feel guilty for snapping at her but she wouldn't understand the turmoil going on in my mind. She must begin to hate me, first it's the silent treatment and now I'm yelling at her because she cares.
"If you say so." She says. I can hear her footsteps as she walks away from the door.
I rolled on the bed more than twenty times before I was to go back to sleep.
I woke up and found food on the bed. Zainab made toast and sausages for us. I feel the sudden need to speak to my mother. I wanted to call her after we prayed in the morning but I was so tired I went back to sleep immediately because of the sleep I missed when I woke up after the dream.
It's Saturday and I know my siblings are at Islamic school. My mom picks up after 4 seconds of the phone ringing.
Her voice is melodious. She sounds excited.
How's my baby? She says happily.
I'm fine mama, I just wanted to hear from you.
May Allah bless you Falak I'm fine and even finer now that I have heard your voice. Thank you for calling, I have been praying for you, nothing will come between you and success by the will of Allah, you shall prosper and do great things. Are you alright? Do you need money? Are you short on money?
I tell her no immediately. The money she sent me in the last two weeks is enough to last me a month.
I'll make you a transfer the moment I conclude zikir OK??
That wouldn't be necessary mama, I'm fine and I have enough money.
She insists and we end the call with me telling her I love her. Today, I'm finally able to tell my mother I love her after three years. My mother is unbelievablely patient and she's perfect.
After the call while eating sausages, I remember my plan on going on thirty dates and remember that I haven't gone on a date since the last one with James. I decide on contacting Samuel. I know it'll be a long date because of Samuel's cockiness but I have no other choice. I sent him a text message through the number he flashed me yesterday saying Hi it's Falak Amin, can we meet at Tearoom later today if you're free?
He texts me immediately like he has been waiting for my message. I know his type, I tell myself. So full of themselves and always waiting for the women to chase them, but I put myself to this task so I have no choice but to manage whoever decides to go on a date with me.
Hassan's text comes in, he says he got the job. It's like a dream, a dream come true. I send him my congratulations before taking the plates to the kitchen to tell Zainab of the good news.
As I walk to the kitchen entrance I hear Zainab from the door speaking to someone. She says, "I haven't seen my period."
From hearing that I know that she's talking to Al-amin. I wait a bit to give her some privacy.
"I'm scared." she says to him. I don't know his reply but I hear her sobbing.
"If I'm truly pregnant then I'm dead Al-amin. Finals are in two weeks and my parents will kill me."
I'm tempted to walk in on her but I don't. My legs are weak and I use all my strength to drag them to the couch to sit down.
My world is crumbling right before my eyes, questions are running in my mind, I don't know which question to catch and answer. My heart is beating so loud like a drum, my body is as cold as a freezer.
She walks into the parlor and sees me, her phone falls off her hand from shock. Her eyes are asking me questions, if I heard her phone call.