Kimberly Eve Browne
"WHY THE HELL did you say that?" I shout to Richard once we left the classroom. I was beyond furious, as I'm sure anyone would be in this strange, completely unfathomable situation. "Anyone could've gotten the wrong idea! God knows what they're thinking right now, Richard! He might get sacked-"
"Why are you taking his side?" Richard speaks, cutting me off, "after everything he's done to you, you're defending him! Who gives a shit if he gets sacked! He used you, he used you like a," he pauses, a disgusted look plastered on his face, "a thing, not even a fucking person!"
It was the second slap in the face, the first one being when Alex told me that what we had was fake. I hated talking about him, but what I was telling Richard now had to be said! He couldn't just give shit to Alex because of something that happened between us.
"He doesn't have the human decency to give you basic respect; to not be used-"
"So? Should I be as 'bad' as he is? He's still a person. Don't do you dare anything like that again, ok?" I ask, but it sounded more of a demand then a question.
Richard shakes his head. "I get this, Kim," he says, nodding whilst making eye contact with me. "You are dead set still in love with him, God fucking knows why but honestly anything bad that does happen wouldn't be the worst thing in the world now would it? Do you want a recap of what he's done because I can-"
"Shut up, Richard. Life goes on, okay. Can we just end it here please?" I plead, coming off perhaps a little rude.
"No need to act all rude about it. Why are you so uncomfortable about this, we've talked about him before-"
"I said to end it there," I tell him firmly, beginning to lose my patience.
"Yeah? Well I don't want to, how 'bout that?" He shoots back.
"Well that's really fucking new, you not understanding that people have boundaries," I replied, and I could feel my rage taking control. Everything that had been bothering me bubbled all together - vigorously.
"Look Kim, I'm overprotective and I just want to know-"
"Fuck you," I say and glare at him before running to 505 and locking myself in there, feeling an anxiety attack crawling towards me.
There it was, the feeling again. The walls were closing in towards me, squishing me to bits, making me feel as though millions of people were around me whilst in actuality I was all by myself in our place.
As I slid against the wall, my leg shook uncontrollably and I knew for a fact that it was coming and I wasn't even bothered to fight it, I let it control me, I let it become me.
This didn't feel real, I felt so detached from my surroundings. With a chest pain, uncontrollable shaking and detachment from the world, I knew exactly what was happening and what I was feeling. I didn't know any other feeling better.
It felt like I was having a heart attack, with the graphic chest pains I was feeling, thumping out of my chest and I wouldn't be surprised if my life was to slip from my fingers in a second. I might not even care.
Twenty minutes pass and the feeling is gone, but I'm still overwhelmed. I suppose that it was just one of those things that you could never get used to. Once I got a grip of myself, I stood up and took a look around.
This was the room, the rooms in which all the memories came back; the room that in I could never forget. I remember talking to him after sir Bloomsbury called us in. When he first introduced us to this room.
Things seemed so genuine. So real.
I wanted to see him in real life, not my stupid imagination, hallucinations and in my dreams. I wanted to see him.
I was peeking from the small window in the door, and could see a section of what was going on. Alex was gathering all the sheets of paper he had given out to the class and occasionally placing the chairs under the allocated desks.
I couldn't read what he was feeling, but he just seemed calm and, normal, from what I could tell but I could never know that for a fact. Alex seemed like the kind of guy who knew how to hide it all, which was and is completely unnecessary.
I shut my eyes and inhaled the air provided before opening the door and waiting for everything to happen to happen in a heartbeat, which wasn't the case.
This time, Alex's emotions were quite easy to read. You could tell he was shocked even though a gasp didn't leave his lips; that seemed to be my thing, apparently.
His lips were apart and his eyes were slightly widened. I just stared at him for a few seconds, to figure out everything else, but who he was wasn't painted all over his face; it was deep, deep beneath the surface.
"Kimberly," he whispered, almost inaudible, as he tried to fix himself and make himself less open to his emotions.
I wanted to close my eyes in delight of the fact that he said my name; it had managed to roll off his tongue as though the name was made for his tongue and his tongue only. Is this how it feels? To belong? To feel like if you're missing someone will feel it? To feel appreciated, and loved, and wanted.
A tear rolled against my cheek, as I felt the sudden coldness of the tear and an empathetic look is drawn on Alex's face.
He walked over and wiped the tear away with the help of his porcelain thumb, rubbing against my cheek and my body starts up, roaring like an engine. He ignited me with such a touch, a touch I wasn't used to which made it all the more effective.
Something burst within me and I laughed. I laughed so much my cheeks ached in agony as well as my stomach as Alex soon joined in and we laughed for ten minutes straight, communication not being the reason as to why.
Neither of us knew the reason to be honest; everyone would expect something like Alex comforting me and telling me not to cry, as we cuddled and explained our undying love for one another but this time Alex was the one who was crying, tears of joy, I presume as he was previously laughing and that was the kind of tears that actually made sense after many episodes of laughter.
I rubbed his tear and he smiled at me and I glisten. The warmth in my heart some how increased and it was amazing.
"Alex," I whispered back at last, as he smiled even wider and I could only imagine the pain in his cheeks.
This was the place. Everything looked so normal, as if this was just any other room. It wasn't, at least for me anyways. This was the room where we spent our time together, and I don't think I could've been happier. It was so surreal, too good to be true, and now I knew exactly why.
I was his yellow brick road to success. As I was beginning to believe that I could be worthy of love, I realise that it was all a lie. He had made it seem so real, and made me so happy. I guess I did too, since he has that promotion he deserves. I should be smarter about things like this, instead of being so god damn gullible. How could an attractive, amazing older teacher possibly be attracted to me?
What did I have to offer? All I could offer was trouble, and a shit load of baggage. With three mental illnesses, all they could expect would be let downs. All I've done is let people down. Richard's family and my own is all I have. And I feel sorry for them, as I was only a piece of shit. What had I done right?
I walk towards the single bed, tunning my hand against the smooth white sheets, remembering it all. The cuddles, the hugs, and the kisses. I remember it all. Sitting down, I pull out a cigarette. Maybe I was smoking a little too often nowadays, but I didn't care anymore. It was just something that was keeping me going.
Lighting it up, I am assured with the clear, strong smell of tobacco, flying around all over the room before tasting it as well whilst bringing the cigarette to my lips. I try so hard, all the time to not think about him. To push him aside from my thoughts and think of something else that mattered, like my parents happiness which only would truly be alive once I recovered.
Instead, I have to think of him. I have to think about how he treated me the way I've always wanted to be treated. How everything felt right, despite it being terribly wrong. I was under his spell, I've come to realise. I was woo'd by the way that someone apart from my family and Richard was treating me right.
It was almost on the cusp of infuriating, to feel so much for someone who didn't feel it back, or did feel it back in the most confusing way where I don't know if I should be confident in my gut feeling or if I should stop being so fucking naive.
Yes, he made me feel a lot better about myself, but only temporarily. When I came to know that what we had was all complete bullshit, the tough skin that I had been building for so long. shattered. He made me feel so happy, he has such an effect on me and he doesn't even realise it. He probably thought that he'd date me for a while and leave me, but little did he know how much I'd grown to appreciate him more than I know myself.
I wish I wasnt so dependent on him and his love to make me feel like I was worth something, but I couldn't help it. It felt so good to feel positively about something, about him. Someone who had no compulsion to love me, but, I thought, did anyways.
The door opens, and I immediately panic. Who could it be? The only people who knew about this place is me and Alex, and I doubt he was here right now. Maybe it's a cleaner, or a teacher? I don't know, I decided before smushing my cigarette so the fire was gone from it. I tip toe a bit closer to the door whilst hiding so whoever was there couldn't see me.
A rhythm of footsteps is heard, gradually getting louder as it approached closer to me. I begin to tremble, in fear of whoever was there had probably found me, but the footsteps got quieter again. Not feeling as scared anymore, I look through the tiny space in which the light was seeping through so I could see what and who was there.
A man's figure is identified, and I know this by the coat, slightly loose trousers that weren't that loose, but loose enough so it wouldn't kill you. I could see the jelled back hair and most probably a quiff in the front. I knew that it was him. Upon realising it was him, my nose became open to the cologne and distant smell of cigarettes that I left behind.
I look away,knowing that if I looked for any longer I would most probably lose it. What was he doing here? Was he meeting someone else here? Did he see me coming in, and wanted to tell me to get to class? No, he wouldn't have because then he would have called my name, I'm sure of it. But before my thoughts could grow for any longer, sobs were heard.
Sobs. Not just muffled crying, but full on sobs. His face was buried in his hands, and I could see clues of his bright red face, a vein popping from his forehead, and droplets of water rolling down his cheeks, one after another, in a consistent rhythm.
Before my inner Richard could remind me that Alex had hurt me, I spun, out of my hiding place. I didn't even think because it felt like my soul was dying. He must have heard me because his seemingly uncontrollable sobs stop temporarily and he turns around to look at me, and I don't think I could possibly feel anymore sympathy for him. His once bright, dancing brown eyes were now replaced with dim, dull eyes, slightly red from loss of water. A few unwiped tears were left on his cheeks.
I had never seen him this torn, this hurt. I care about him so much, that his own happiness effected me too. There was only one thing I was unsure of, though. Why was he crying? Not just a few tears, but full on sobbing? Whatever it was, it must mean a lot to him.
I was suprised that he hadn't tried to cover up his feelings. He always did that when we were together, yet I always seemed to see past it. Now, he just stood there, heart broken, looking at me. Almost like when someone is so sad that you can't see any emotion.
"Sorry about what Richard said, he's just a little mad, at, uhm, this whole,uhm situation. I didn't mean for it to cause any suspicions," I speak, not wanting to look at him. I wanted, more than anything to forgive him, but Richard would kill me, I'm sure of it.
He simply nods, deciding to wipe his tears himself. I wanted to do that. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay and that I was always going to be there for him. I didn't care that he hurt me, I deserved it anyways.
"It was so completely wrong, it won't happen again, and I will make sure nothing like that happens again," I continued and he still wouldn't look at me. It was so enraging. I knew this position was weird because we both had no idea where we stood, but still.
I crouched on the floor, and looked up at him. "Alex," I speak accidentally and he finally makes eye contact with me, as it seemed as though I awoke him or something. "I mean, Mr David," I correct myself whilst shaking my head, and he looks down again and I instantly feel guilty for saying so. "I don't care if it's not my place, but are you okay? Do you need a glass of water, or a hug or something? Anything at all?"
Still nothing, but like a complete fool, I wouldn't stop. "Why are you crying?"
"Why were you crying is the right question, Miss Browne. Don't mix up your tenses," He smiles wearily and gets up rapidly as if he just wanted to snap his fingers and disappear.
I grabbed his arm, and he turned around, shocked, but easily released himself out of my grip.
"Miss Browne?" I whispered to myself and I felt my eyes begin to tear up. This is the room where he kissed me, and told me cared for me and now I am Miss Browne, the girl who we can't even look in the eye, can't even be honest with, or even simply address informally.
A loss so big it didn't even feel like a loss at all because this feeling of having nothing felt like I had never felt anything prior.