Chapter 28: Let it go
My birthday is just 7 days after new year. Akala ko noon magiging maayos ang bagong taon ko pero hindi ko alam simula lang pala ito ng lahat. Naging sunod-sunod ang kamalasan sa buhay ko. What do I expect, halos taon-taon naman nagiging ganito ang takbo ng buhay ko. The bad thing is, it's getting even worse each year.
I receive tons of birthday greetings from some friends. I didn't bother to respond back. After all, it isn't a 'happy' birthday at all and I'm done pretending.
I'm officially a frustrated eighteen years old girl and I'm finally ready for jail. What a good news, indeed. Watak!
I'm in the Mall right now and I'm currently searching for a birthday present for my twin brother. I'm in the cyber zone and I know for sure what my brother wants. A digital pen and a digital drawing pad. Lots of drawing materials would be appreciated by him too so I bought a set. Bumili din ako ng paper bag para ilagay na lahat do'n ang mga gamit.
Pinagipunan ko talaga ang birthday gift ko sa kanya. He deserves it. For me, he's still the best Kuya. Syempre, siya lang Kuya ko 'e. Wala din akong choice but to accept the fact na magkadugo talaga kami. Hayst.
Lumabas ako ng mall at tinawagan si Kuya. I want to give him my present already. Kahit pangbawi ko lang 'to dahil sinira ko ang new year niya. Nagtext sa'kin si Kuya na nasa parke daw siya. Ugh, for all the places in the world, bakit do'n pa? Nagtext ako ng ibang location sa kanya pero hindi siya nagrereply. Hmp, sinasadya niya lang naman 'e.
Sumakay ako ng taxi at bumaba sa ma'y parke. Umupo lang ako sa isang bench at patuloy kong dinidistract ang sarili ko mula sa ibang bagay. Tinext ko na ulit si Kuya para sabihing nasa parke na ako at nagreply siya sa'kin na hintay lang daw. Ako na nga 'yung magbibigay ng regalo tapos ako pa 'yung paghihintayin niya?!
Napahilamos ako ng mukha nang maalala ko muli ang mga pangyayari noong bagong taon. This is exactly why I don't like peaceful places! Basta-basta na lang ako nakakapagisip ng malalim. I don't want to lead this to something bad. Baka bigla akong makatalon sa mataas na building 'e.
Marco texted me again. He told me to stand up and search for him. Anong akala niya sakin? Google map? Tumayo ako at sinimulan ko siyang tawagan. Nakakainis, hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipaglokohan pa rin siya sa'kin. Kung ibalibang ko na lang kaya itong regalo ko para sa kanya. Sabagay dun naman ako magaling. Ang manira.
Ang manira ng ibang pamilya.
Naglalakad-lakad lamang ako nang magtama ang mga mata namin ni Jian. Nabigla ako sa presensiya niya at hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang ipinatili ang mga mata ko sa kanya o iiwasan ko ang mga titig niya. Naglalakad siya sa direksyon ko at ako naman sa kanya. Napatingin naman ako sa kamay niya. Ma'y dala-dala siyang bouquet ng bulaklak.
Nang magkatapat na kami ay bigla na lamang siyang tumigil sa paglalakad at napahinto rin ako. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at tinitigan ako ng seryoso. Bigla naman siyang ngumiti at niyakap ako. I didn't know how to react but I find myself hugging him back.
"Happy birthday, buddy." He said and released his arms. Inabot niya sa'kin ang bouquet ng flowers---it's tulips. Nginitian ko naman siya.
"Thank you."
"This is just a friendly bouquet of flowers. Don't worry, I know you'll never learn to love me like I did to you." Saad niya. 'Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong maoffend or what. Atleast he's aware now.
"But can I ask you for one last time?" He asked. I stared at him and was waiting for his question. "Could we go back from before? Before when your story begun with only you and me."
A few weeks later, I found out he's drunk when he called me. So I thought he can't recall anything he said and had no idea what he just said to me over the phone but I was wrong. Kahit na lasing siya naaalala niya. I hang up on him in the phone and I didn't answer his question. In the past few days, I thought everythings fine but he came pretending to say nothing at all and all I did was to go with the flow thats why I'm too bothered and confused lately because I don't really know whether he remember anything he said or not. Then here he is, asking me the same question. But now, I know what to say. I clearly know what to do and my decision is final.
"I'm sorry, Jian. I can't, I love Felix."
As long as I want to keep our friendship, as long as I want to keep him beside me, it will never work out. We're just fooling ourselves. We can't stay in each other's side any longer. We're just simply hurting ourselves and I don't want to torture the both of us down anymore. We need to let go. Specially him, he doesn't deserve all the pain. He deserve none of it. Same goes to Felix. He did enough. They both did enough for me and it's about time to stop already. We're done trying to fix everything. It will never work.
"It's okay. Nagbabakasakali lang." He said and playfully smiled. Sumeryoso ang itsura niya at pabalik-balik ang tingin niya sa'kin. "Ma'y gusto sana akong aminin-----"
Ma'y malakas namang umubo sa likuran namin. Akala ko si Kuya pero si Felix lang pala. Bigla naman akong kinabahan nang magtama ang mga mata namin. He looked at me fiercly especially to Jian.
"Can I talk to my girlfriend, please?" Madiin niyang sabi.
Jian looked at me and I told him to stay. I don't want to be left alone with Felix. I can't see him like this. Pero sa huli napilit din siya ni Felix at tuluyan na siyang umalis. I forgot, Jian is still not aware about what happened to Felix and I.
"Anong kailangan mo?" I asked.
"Flowers for you. Happy birthday, baby bear." Sabi niya at pilit na inaabot sa'kin ang isang bouquet ng rosas. "It's all fake, it wont harm you."
"I don't need flowers. I'm not dead yet."
"Really, then what are those flowers for?" He asked and looked at the bouquet of tulips I'm holding on.
"For our dead relationship. Here, you want it?" Pilit kong inaabot sa kanya ang mga bulaklak pero hindi niya tinanggap.
Kumunot ang noo niya at seryosong tumingin sa'kin, "ano bang nangyari? Bakit bigla ka na lang nagkaganito?"
"It's new year, new life. I want to start my life without you." Sabi ko. Nakita ko naman kung pa'no siya nasaktan sa nasabi ko. Pilit kong iniinda ang sakit na nakikita ko mula sa kanya at tinatagan ang loob ko.
At dahil hindi ko na kinaya ay tumalikod ako mula sa kanya at naglakad palayo ngunit naramdaman ko ang pagsunod niya sa'kin.
"Don't you dare follow me. Don't wait until I file a restraining order on you."
"You wouldn't do that."
"Assuming mo." After what I've said he grabbed my wrist and hold it in a tight way. "Felix, masakit!"
"Nasasaktan din ako!" Napalingon naman ako sa kanya at pinigilan ang mga luha ko mula sa pagpatak. "Sobra." He silently whispered.
Hinarap ko siya at tinaboy ang kamay niya. "I dont deserve you Felix ilang beses na kitang nasaktan. We should end everything between us. Hindi ko na kayang makita kang nasasaktan."
"Hindi mo ba naisip na mas nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa mo? Marzia naman!"
"Atleast your pain ends here." I said in a low tone. "Bakit ka pa ba habol ng habol? I'm not worth it. First, I ruined your reputation. Ako ang nagphotoshopped ng picture mo na naging issue noon. Kasabwat nila ako sa mga nagpakalat ng picture. Your accusations were true. Mukha akong pera, kailangan ko ng pera, ano pa ba? Second, ginamit lang kita para sa pera. Oo, gano'n ako kadesperada para magkapera na umabot pa sa ganito. Nakita mo naman kung gaano kalala ang sitwasyon namin 'di ba para gawin ko ang lahat ng 'to. Third, hindi kita minahal. It's only yourself who thinks I gave a damn on you. Masyado na akong nakokonsensiya kaya inaamin ko na ngayon. Pero sorry, hindi talaga kita minahal."
"Wala akong pake, Marzia! I don't care about those things! Ang mahalaga nasa'kin ka pero ikaw 'yung pilit na lumalayo! Bakit ba sobrang dali lang para sayo na sabihin ang lahat ng 'yan?! I'm not stupid enough to believe you did not love me, nasaksihan ko kung pa'no mo 'ko minahal. One lie is not enough to deceive me. Kahit pa ilang beses ka pang magsinungaling. I know you enough. Mas ma'y tiwala ako sa Marzia na minahal ko." He said.
Bakit, bakit ganyan kalaki ang tiwala niya sa'kin? Bakit kailangan niya akong mahalin ng sobra? Bakit hindi man lang niya iniisip ang sarili niya? Ayokong maubos siya ng dahil lang sa'kin. He did enough.
"I'm just too great at pretending, Felix."
"Ganito na lang ba tayo palagi? I'm tired to keep fighting alone. All I did was to understand you but you never had the courage to understand me! I'm already confused and I'm trying to fix our relationship but you wouldn't want to! Haven't I've done enough? Kulang pa ba?" His voice cracked and his tears became visible to me.
"No, please don't say that." Lumapit siya sa'kin at hinawakan ang bewang ko. He looked down habang ako naman ay napatitig sa kanya.
"Tell me, how could I fight for you if you're giving me a big reason not to?" He said and I gulped. I want to cry already but I still need to pretend that I'm numb and alright infront of him.
"Nakikipaghiwalay na ako sa'yo, Felix. Please, respect me."
As I stared down at him, hindi ko maiwasang mapaisip. Siya 'yung lalaki na minahal ko ng buo. Siya 'yung lalaki na maraming isinakripisyo para sa'kin. Siya 'yung lalaki na ginawa lahat ng makakaya para lang mapasaya ako. At siya lang 'yung lalaki na mas inuuna pa ang kalagayan ko kesa sa sarili niya. Handa niyang ibuhos ang sarili niya para sa'kin. At heto siya sa harapan ko, lumuluha nang dahil sa babaeng minahal niya ng lubos. Nasasaktan dahil sa babaeng hindi siya kayang ipaglaban sa paraan na gusto niya. Pinaglalaban din kita, Felix. Pero patawad, ito ang paraan ng paglaban ko para sa'yo.
Pinapakalwan na kita.
One day, I just woke up and realize I have to let him go. All those lies I told him makes me sick. If being a good person means staying with him and keep torturing ourselves more, I'd rather be a bad person then.
Noong narinig ko silang nag-aaway no'ng new year, dinurog nito ang puso ko dahil ako mismo ang nagiging hadlang sa kaayusan ng pamilya nila. Na nagkaroon sila ng away dahil sa'kin. Simula no'n, hindi ko na kinausap si Felix at nakipagbreak sa kanya sa phone dahil alam kong hindi ko kayang makipaghiwalay sa kanya sa personal. Pero nandito ako ngayon sa harapan niya at patuloy na dinudurog ang puso niya. Ang puso niyang walang ginawa kundi ang mahalin ako.
If letting Felix go means saving him, I won't hesitate to sacrifice our love for each other.
Pinakalwan na niya ako mula sa mga kamay niya at nakita ko ang pagbagsak ng dala-dala niyang bouquet ng rosas. I walked across him before I could even broke down. As my tears begun to fall, the rain implicated me. Na para bang sinasabayan ako nito sa pagluha at sakit na nararamdaman ko.
Patawad, Felix. Nakipaghiwalay ako pero hindi ko sinabing ginusto ko. You will be always the man I love more than myself.
--
Umuwi ako ng bahay at nagmadali sa pagakyat ng kwarto. Sinaraduhan ko ang pinto at agad na humilata sa kama. Kumuha ako ng kumot at ipinasak sa bibig ko ito. Nagsimula akong sumigaw dito ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa mapagod ako at umiyak na lang. Sobrang hirap na magpanggap. Gustong-gusto ko ng ilabas 'to. It's killing me. I can't contain it anymore. Sana kayanin ko pa hanggang dulo. Sana maging maayos din ang lahat. Sana hindi ako nagkamali ng desisyon.
Ma'y kumatok sa pintuan ko. Agad kong naalala na hindi pala 'yun nakalock kaya pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at huminga ako ng malalim para maibsan ang muling pagluha. Pinakalma ko ang sarili ko at nang mapatingin ulit ako sa pintuan ay bumungad sa'kin si Kuya Marco.
Nakangiti siya sa'kin at nginitian ko din siya. Lumapit siya at tuwang-tuwa na tumingin sa'kin.
"Did you liked my gift?" He asked. Ni wala nga siyang binibigay sakin 'e.
Napakunot noo naman ako sa kanya, "What gift?"
"The 'closure' gift." He said and smirked. Nagulat ako sa nasabi niya at tinitigan siya ng masama.
"Kuya! Ikaw ma'y pakana kung bakit nando'n sina Jian at Felix?!"
Gulat na gulat siyang tumingin sa'kin at napaface-palm pa. "What?! No! Si Jian lang ang pinapunta ko."
"Did you really have to do that?!" I mentally rolled my eyes. Kaya pala. Ugh, sinet-up ako ni Kuya! 'Di niya alam kung gaano ka-awkward ang tensyon sa pagitan namin.
"Yep. Puro kayo indirect closure 'e. It's about time to be accurate and direct." He said. Napabuntong-hininga naman ako at kumuha ng unan para takpan ang mukha ko. Nakakahiya.
"We're just friends, we don't need any closure." Sumbat ko.
"Para naman kasing pinapaasa mo 'yung tao 'e!"
"Fine, you win." I said as I surrender. Tinuro ko ang regalo ko para sa kanya at ilang beses siyang nagpasalamat sa'kin. Kulang na lang ay ang lumuhod sa harap ko. "You better pay me back with my present."
"I already helped you with your love life, Sis! You should be thankful. I'm the love expert here, remember?" He said and laughed.
Gustung-gusto kong makitawa sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa. I'm feeling this little rock on my throat, helping me prevent myself from crying infront of my brother. My heart feels heavy again same as what I've felt lately infront of Felix.
"Ano palang nangyari?" He asked. I looked at him and he must have notice how my mood eventually changed. Lumapit siya sa'kin at umupo sa kama katabi ko. "Are you okay?"
"I know you're hurting but don't worry, Kuya is here for you. I may not be the best brother but I will do my best to protect and support my princess."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kaya wala akong nagawa kundi pakalwan ang mga luha ko. I felt the warmth of my brother's presence as he hug me. He let me cry in his arms and I keep letting out the pain inside me.
If this is what I have to do, I'm ready for it. But Lord, please keep me standing. Please, let me me stand still beside you. I need strength from you, Lord. I need you with all my heart. Please protect me as a whole. Let me be in your hands protection. And please forgive me for questioning you. Forgive me for letting the world deceive me because of hatred and guilt.
I'm sorry.
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