490Chapter 15: The Letter
The rest of the week flew by much to Draco's resignation. He made sure the contract for the Weasley twins was all set up. Zonko had done as he asked and separated the store from his debts. Draco set up a backup folder that would be sent to the twins in case he was sentenced to Azkaban. It was a name of good lawyers that would help them out and some business advice that would come in handy.
The trial was tomorrow and he didn't know how to tell Harry. Procrastination, what a horrid word. It tricks you into a false sense of security until it's too late and time has run out. Sure, putting everything off till later seems like the solution at the time but it's just a trap. A deadly trap with horrific consequences. Draco always thought procrastination was for the lazy. Slytherin Rule #26: Nothing profitable happens to those who wait. Where did the time go? It felt like just yesterday they were sitting under the stars in the quidditch field pouring out their souls to each other. But at the same time that also felt like a life time ago instead of just a little over a month.
He didn't know how to say it. How do you tell the man you love that there was a chance that everything they have could be ripped away because of cowardly mistakes you made? Is there even a gentle way to tell your boyfriend that you might go to prison? Draco wasn't sure what to do or what to say. All of the cast away fear and anxiousness in the last month came back full force. Draco couldn't shield it if he tried. He could feel Harry's weighted stares on him but he couldn't find the words to reassure him. Was that cowardly?
Draco was swimming in his emotions. He felt like he was drowning and there was no life preserver to save him. Guilt, fear, desperation, and terror are surrounding him on all sides. There is no way out. No light at the end of the tunnel. The emotions mock him, they scream their pleasure at how far Draco has fallen. They laugh at his helplessness that they bring in their wake. Draco can't think, can't rationalize, can't see beyond his own fear. He has lost all mental awareness of where he is. Was he still in Grimwald place or was this his own personal hell? He could no longer see Harry or hear Kreacher's insane mumbling. The smells of the old house that used to comfort him are gone. Now all he can smell is the rotting breath and chill of death that he knows awaits him in Azkaban. The warmth that he used to get from being close to Harry is ebbing away. All he can feel is the cold stone of the cell he knows houses his future. The house has suddenly gone too still, too quiet. No sound. The air has grown thin, it's getting harder to breathe. Has he really drowned? Is that why he can't get oxygen in his lungs? The blood has rushed to his face and his mind is slowly fading. What's happening? Has it already started? Is he already losing his mind? What-
*Smack* The shock of the pain jars Draco out of the endless horrors of his mind. He comes to and realizes he is on the ground gasping for air. His lungs are on overdrive making up for a lack that he hadn't known was happening. Harry and Kreacher hovering over him. Harry has tears streaming down his face and the sight clenches his rapid beating heart. He lifts a shaking hand to wipe the tears away. Harry closes his eyes at Draco's touch causing more tears to fall.
"You weren't breathing. You were having a panic attack. I-I'm sorry I hit you but I didn't know how else to stop the attack." Harry chokes out, eyes still closed and tears still streaming.
"I'm sorry!" Draco breathes and suddenly he is crying too. Harry clutches Draco to him pulling him into his lap. Draco isn't sure if he is apologizing for scaring Harry or for not telling him about the trial. Or for being such a cowardly git in the first place.
It doesn't matter because Harry is kissing his tears away. "It's okay. I know, I'm scared too." Harry whispers. Draco squints through watery eyes. "You knew?" He rasps out in shock. Harry nods his head vehemently. "Yes I knew. You didn't want to tell me for a reason so I respected that. I-I love you Draco!" Harry cries out desperately as the tears start flowing again. Neither boy noticing Kreacher leaving to give them privacy.
Draco sits up and wraps his arms around Harry cursing the world and his own faults for putting him in this position. All he wants is Harry. That's it. Just Harry. He prays to any higher power out there to just grant him that one wish. He would give anything to be able to keep Harry. His money, his status, his magic, he would give it all away to just- please God let him keep Harry.
"I love you too Harry." Draco says with reverence as he holds Harry to him. The two cling to each other crying until no tears flow out and they can't cry anymore. They hold each other whispering shallow words of comfort till well into the night. They refuse to let go, fearing that if they do it will be the last time they'll ever be together. They clutch at one another until they fall asleep out of utter exhaustion, neither one capable of keeping their eyes open for even a single second.
Harry wakes up and knows instantly that Draco is gone. He clenches his eyes in pain. He knows Draco left to go prepare for the trial. Part of him is crushed and utterly devastated that Draco didn't wake him. But the rest of him can't help but be grateful. Harry wouldn't have been able to keep his composure if he had to watch Draco walk out without knowing if he would be coming back. Harry checks the time and curses when he realizes he overslept. He would have to hurry if he was going to make it in time for the announcement of the witnesses. As he stood up he sees a flash of something out of the corner of his eye. Where Draco had slept lay parchment in his place. Harry wastes no time in snatching it up. The parchment is covered in drops of tears which chokes Harry in emotions he can't afford to have right now. He forces himself to read the letter.
Harry my beloved,
I am so sorry I never told you about the trial. I didn't want you to be involved. I didn't want you risking anything for me. I didn't want you tarnishing your good name defending me. I know my silence must have hurt you and I apologize. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. You mean the world to me. You are the only thing that keeps me going. The only reason I wake up in the morning. Every minute I spend with you brings me a lifetime of joy. Gods I am a Hufflepuff and I don't even care.
I wouldn't know how to function without you. Which scares me. I have always been independent. Well as independent as my parents allowed. I have never needed nor wanted another person. Until you. My life changed drastically the night in the quidditch field. I almost didn't show up that night. I had tried two days in a row to muck of the courage to talk to you. I was about to give up when something told me to check the quidditch pitch. When I saw you I almost turned around and went home. Part of me was upset that I had found you, because that meant I couldn't plead ignorance. I couldn't walk away and say I tried when you were standing right there. So I forced my legs to walk to you and it was the best decision I have ever made. It's crazy how one decision can change your life. One simple choice and my whole world was spun out in a new direction that led me to you.
I can't bring myself to wish that I had never done the things that I am on trial for because they brought me to you. Without all of the shite I have gone through, I never would have had the courage to talk to you, to explain myself. As much as I detest myself I can't regret my choices because that would mean regretting you. Which I refuse to do. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heartbeat, just to have you. I would live through my shite childhood all over, live through the fear of the Dark Lord all over, I would live through wondering if death was surely better than fighting in the war all over again, if it led me to you. Every single thing I have been through in my life has been worth it because you were the end result.
I won't lie. I am beyond scared. I have never been scared like this before. Sixth year plotting against Dumbledore can't even compare. Voldemort breathing down my neck in my own home can't compare. It's not the thought of Azkaban itself that scares me. If they find me guilty then it is my own repentance that will keep me there. If they find me guilty I won't protest any injustice or wrong doing of the court. If they find me guilty it is because I deserve it. No, the reason I am scared is because I don't want to lose you. Being sentenced will devastate me because that means I won't be with you. I will be absolutely gutted. The loss of you is what scares me the most. Being with you is like breathing. Prolonged exposure without air will slowly suffocate me. Which is exactly what I fear my life would be like without you. I don't want that, I don't want to figure out how to live without you. I need you just as much as I need to breathe. I need you just as much as my body needs sustenance and water. I need you just as much as the ocean needs the moon for the tides. I need you just as much as nature needs the sun. I just need you.
I love you Harry. I love you with every fiber of my being. I think I loved you since I caught a glimpse of you that night under the stars. I know without a doubt that I would love you without this bond that brings us together. I have been drawn to you since the day I met a little boy with bright green eyes and messy hair in a robe shop. I have longed and dreamed of the day where you could consider me a friend. I got my wish and so much more. I never imagined this. I never imagined loving you could be like this. I never imagined that you would ever love me back. But knowing that you do thrills me like nothing ever has. Your love is all I crave. As long as I can come home to you and your love that is all I will ever need in life.
I am sorry that you have to wake up alone. I am sorry you are reading this instead of listening to me say it. I am just so sorry Harry. I am a coward. You know this. I couldn't face seeing your tears again. Gods I hate myself for that. I couldn't face seeing your haunted eyes as I walked out the door. It kills me writing this. It feels like I am saying goodbye and I hate it. I never want to say goodbye. I wish the last thing I saw today was your smiling face. I can face Azkaban with that. I can face the world with just the memory of you.
If I don't come back today, please know that I love you. Never doubt that. Know that my love for you is endless. I will never stop loving you. Even if the entire world was against us. Even if the world was burning and the ground was breaking apart. I would still love you. Even if you hated my existence, I would still love you. Nothing but my last dying breath will ever change that. And even then, I will love you in the afterlife. I will love you forever. Always.
You are my everything. My heart. My life. My own.
With so much love,
Draco.
Harry's knees gave out as he came crashing to the floor. "Oh gods." He cried into his hands. He had never read something so wonderful and so awful in his whole life. He felt as if his chest was cracked open and his heart was ripped out. He could feel his heart breaking, could feel the pain of Draco's words seeping into his veins. Draco's words were playing in his head over and over again on repeat. Draco took a piece of Harry with him when he left and Harry was worried he would never get it back.
It would be so easy to fall into despair and depression. So easy to clutch the letter to his heart, crawl into bed and give way to his grief. He could cry until no more tears would come out and then dry sob until his lungs needed a break. Harry could lose himself in the wake of losing Draco. It would be so easy to give up and rage against the world. So easy.
But… Harry wasn't one to give up. Never could before and now wasn't a time to start. He didn't give up when the Dursley's told him he was a freak and wouldn't amount to anything. He didn't give up when none of the teachers believed that someone was after the Sorcerer's Stone. He didn't give up when the whole school thought he was Slytherin's heir. He didn't give up when he had to face off against a giant deadly basilisk determined to kill him. He didn't give up when he found out the whole world saw his godfather as a murderer. He didn't give up when learning the patronus charm was difficult. He didn't give up when everyone turned their backs on him during the Triwizard tournament. He didn't give up when the whole world called him an attention seeking liar after Voldemort had returned. He didn't give up when Umbridge was determined to ruin him. He didn't give up when Sirius died no matter how much he wanted to. He didn't give up when Dumbledore died. He didn't give up the mission when Ron left. He didn't give up fighting the Horcruxes. He didn't give up fighting even after finding out he had been raised like a sheep to the slaughter. He didn't give up knowing he was just a tool to be used to fight off Voldemort. He didn't give up when he walked to his death. He didn't even give up when he died, he came back fighting. And finally, when the world saw him as some second coming or messiah but Harry himself was lost and confused and horribly broken… he still didn't give up. Harry stood up slowly, set the letter down and wiped his eyes. He spelled a suit on and fixed his hair the best he could. Now was not the time to give up. Now was not the time to sob his heart out. Now was not the time rage against the world. There would be time for that later. Now was the time to go save his boyfriend and give the world a piece of his mind. Now was the time he was going to tarnish his good name despite Draco's worries. When had he ever cared what anyone else thought? Harry smirked. He couldn't give a damn. It's about time the world saw a new side to the boy-who-lived. He was going to get Draco off or the world was going to burn in the wake of his anger.
Kreacher saw the determination in his Master's eyes and beamed with pride. "Bring Master Draco home." He croaked. Harry spun around with a small smile. "No worries Kreacher. He will be coming home. Of that, have no doubt." Harry said roughly before flooing to the Ministry. Kreacher waited until his Master was gone. "Kreacher never doubts Master Harry. Master can do anything." He croaked with a fondness that would have shocked Sirius to his core.