Chapter 14: Stay With Me
Grimmauld Place, June 18th 1996
I wake up with a jolt. What time is it? I glance towards the window; it is still dark outside. I am feeling uneasy, like something is not right. I grab my watch from the nightstand; it's not yet one in the morning.
"Ouch!" I hiss in surprise and pain, dropping the watch to the floor. The Dark Mark on my left forearm is prickling slightly.
I wonder what it is about…I know it's nothing good, even without the nagging feeling I've got in the bottom of my stomach. The pain in my arm is gone as soon as it came, but now I'm awake and restless. I lie still for a moment, trying to sort out my thoughts before I push the comforter away and drag myself on my feet and head to the en-suite bathroom to relieve myself, rubbing my forearm as I go. As I'm washing my hands, I hear something.
"What?" I mumble, frowning at my reflection in the mirror while I listen attentively.
A door is thrown open on the top landing and someone's in the stairs. Sirius? I quickly make my way towards the bedroom door after snatching my wand from the nightstand. As soon as I've opened the door to the landing, I can hear my brother calling me from downstairs, and then cursing loudly as our mother's portrait has awoken because of the noise.
"Blood traitor, a stain of my noble house! How dare you show yourself to me!"
"Shut the fuck up you rotting woman!" Sirius yells and a moment later the screaming ends.
I move downstairs as my brother moves up, both of us heading towards the second landing from where I can hear muffled noises.
"It's Phineas!" Sirius hisses, bolting silently into the room where the portrait is situated, and I follow him in, knowing that something is wrong indeed if he's trying to summon us in the middle of the night.
Phineas looks serious, all his previous disdainful and indifferent demeanour gone. "Professor Snape requested me to forward another message to you," he says quickly. There's a dreadful anticipation in the air as my brother and I stare at the portrait.
"Mr. Potter is in the Department of Mysteries," Phineas continues.
Sirius takes a sharp breath while I become rigid. What?
"W-What?!" Sirius eventually splutters, and I swallow hard, definitely not expecting the portrait to say that.
A small sneer flickers on Phineas's face before he speaks. "Do not presume I will repeat myself to you. Professor Snape requested me to inform you that he only learned the news himself, and that he is not able to leave the school since its current Headmistress is missing." Phineas says, scrunching up his nose in distaste. Sirius growls with frustration.
"Umbridge?" I mutter, feeling dazed, but Sirius cuts me out.
"Is he alone in there? Harry?" My brother demands from the portrait, shaking with…fear? Well, I can't say I'm not feeling unease myself.
"Five students have left the school with Mr. Potter…Professor Snape requested me to also inform you that…his followers have been summoned," Phineas says stoically.
A cold sensation trickles down my spine. Death Eaters.
Sirius curses and turns sharply on his heels, fleeing from the room.
"Fuck! This can't be happening!" Sirius roars, his voice raw as he runs downstairs. I run after him, and as we stumble into the kitchen, he goes instantly towards the fireplace and throws floo-powder into it, shouting the name of Lupin's place.
"MOONY!" Sirius yells, his head in the flames.
I'm gritting my teeth in apprehension as I think over the last couple of minutes we spent upstairs with Phineas. Shit…What the hell is that idiot Potter playing at? Going to the fucking Ministry, where the Dark Lord supposedly wanted him to be? Was he possessed? Didn't Snape pass on the information to Potter? Is the Dark Lord himself there, waiting for him? He probably is. If not, the Death Eaters definitely are. I felt it. The Mark.
Fuck. We need to get in there.
Sirius shouts at Lupin, makes a couple of more floo-calls and then straightens his back, turning towards me. He's shaking all over, gripping his wand tightly between his fingers, his eyes widened with dread.
"Reggie. Harry's in there, he's in trouble. I have to – " he says, his voice breaking slightly. He swallows deeply and hastily summons his clothes from upstairs and with another flick of his wand, dresses himself, replacing the nightwear he had on.
I nod and do the same. "Sure, let's go then." I say, trying to stay calm, even though my wand hand trembles slightly.
Sirius shakes his head sharply. "No. No. Reggie you're not coming." He says blankly and lifts his wand for disapparation.
"What?!" I snap at him, stepping closer to him. "Of course I'm coming with you," I say, feeling disgruntled. I take a hold of his wrist and give him a daring look.
"You're not coming!" He yells, trying to disentangle himself from my grip, his eyes gleaming angrily.
I press the tip of my wand against his chest, my brows furrowed with intent. "You're not going to stop me, brother." I say darkly. I'm not going to let him go without me. I need to be there, for him, for Potter.
Sirius lets out a frustrated growl and his hand closes around my throat. I gasp in surprise, my wand clattering to the floor as I stumble backwards and grab his hand with both of mine. I can only stare at him in utter disbelief.
Sirius gives me a maniacal look. "You're fucking staying, do you understand me?" He barks, a look of panic crossing his eyes. "You are staying here, so I'll know you're safe! Do you fucking understand me, Reggie?!" He yells, his voice shaking with both anger and fear. "I'm not putting you in danger," He continues and shoves me away before disapparating.
I drop down to my knees, gasping for breath and coughing violently. That fucking son of a bitch!
My throat is on fire, throbbing painfully as I pant on the floor. My head is spinning while I try to think what to do next. I fucking can't be left behind!
I then realise that my brother took my wand.
"Fuck!" I croak and sit back, my knees bent and my elbows resting against them as I press the heels of my palms against my eyes. Shit…If I had the strength, I would be throwing things, yelling even.
Eventually I stand up and make my way upstairs – I might be able to ask Sev to get me help through Phineas's portrait.
"Phineas!" I yell at the empty portrait as soon as I arrive into the room, panting slightly from rushing up the stairs.
A short moment later, he appears in the frame.
"Is Snape there?" I grunt.
His eyes flicker to my neck. He's silent for a moment before he speaks. "Yes." He says simply.
"Tell him…tell him to come here. Now. I need him to get to the Ministry. And I need a wand." I say promptly, and with a hint of annoyance in Phineas's eyes, he leaves the painting again.
I pace in front of the portrait, waiting for Phineas to come back. Fuck, I should be there now, I should be with my brother. I should be there with Potter.
Phineas appears after a couple of minutes. "Professor Snape is unable to come. He has strict orders to remain in the school while the Headmistress is amiss." He says simply.
"Shit." I grumble, and Phineas gives me a look of disdain. I narrow my eyes at him, feeling irritated towards both the portrait and my…friend.
A suspicion flickers into my mind.
"Ask Snape, how did the Dark Lord know when to expect Potter in the Ministry?" I say mutedly.
Phineas doesn't say anything, only leaves his frame while I stay in place, staring at the portrait expectantly.
He reappears shortly. "Professor Snape asked me to tell you to keep yourself from asking questions you already know the answers for." Phineas leaves before I can make any other requests or objections.
Was it him - did Severus relay the information to the Dark Lord? What the hell is he scheming? And did he just betray the Order?
"Fuck!" I scream, and throw the nearest item I can get into my hands at the portrait; a small wastepaper basket from the corner of the room. But nothing happens. The portrait remains empty.
Then I remember my elf. "Kreacher!" I yell, and the elf appears at my feet with a small crack.
"I need you to take me to the Ministry." I say hastily.
Kreacher looks hesitant. "Blood traitor Black has point. Master Regulus is safer here," The elf mumbles, not daring to look at me in the eye.
I clench my jaw angrily. "What?" I seethe. "Kreacher…" I say warningly. "I'm ordering you."
Kreacher's eyes are brimming with tears as it finally looks up at me. "Kreacher hears blood traitor master. He says master Regulus is safe here. Kreacher takes order from Head of House." He squeaks and disapparates with a crack.
"NO! KREACHER! COME BACK!" I scream again. No, no, no…
What now? How the fuck can I get there without a wand?
I run back to the kitchen. I need to be at the Ministry, and even though not having a wand puts me into a slight disadvantage if I need to actually duel someone, that's something I can't worry about now. I decide to use the floo to get closer to the Ministry – somewhere at Diagon Alley, and then walk the rest of it. Whitehall should not be that far, probably a ten-fifteen-minute walk from there.
It is a good plan, but unfortunately, as soon as I grab the floo powder from the bowl, I realise Kreacher has closed the floo-connections in and out of the house.
I swallow hard and take a deep breath, resisting the urge to call up my elf and beat it to within an inch of its life. How fucking dare it?
I sit down weakly at the table, feeling utterly desperate.
After a while, I glance at the watch on the wall – it's already two thirty in the morning. Over an hour and a half has passed since I woke up with a sore forearm.
And then I feel something.
I let out an audible wince. A sharp pain inside me, and a…a pit in my stomach is all I can feel. All I can think about. I feel raw on the inside, incomplete somehow.
I'm suddenly filled with dread, as if something terrible has happened. And I have a faint idea what it means.
"No," I whisper, completely stunned. "No, no, no…" I continue, my voice rough, a lump forming into my throat as I trash away from the kitchen, running hurriedly towards the drawing room where our family tapestry is situated.
I barge into the room, and my eyes are fixed on the wall.
My insides go instantly cold.
"No…" I breathe. No. No. I stare ahead in disbelief; my lungs devoid of air. This is not happening. This can't be happening. I stare at the wall, and let out a shocked cry.
My eyes start to burn, I'm blinking rapidly, and I'm fucking annoyed because I can't see properly, as everything's blurred. But I can still make out the embroidered, elegant lettering in the old faded tapestry, and the dates under my brother's scorched name.
November 3rd 1959
d. June 18th 1996
"NO!" I roar and drop down to my knees, shaking violently. It feels like my insides are burning. Like my throat is closing up. Like my heart is shattering into million pieces.
"Sirius…" I gasp. A sob escapes from my mouth, and only then I realise I'm crying.
No…He's not gone. He can't be.
An unbearable pain rips through my chest, making it hard to move, hard to see straight, hard to exist.
"No…no…" I mumble, over and over again, trying to will the letters away. I push the heels of my palms tightly against my eyes, and bright white spots form into my vision. This is not happening…I can't let it happen…He has to come back.
"D-Don't…" I wheeze, my voice wavering so fucking much I don't even recognise it.
"…Don't leave me." I whisper, struggling to breathe, tears running freely now down my cheeks. "D-Don't leave m-me, brother…You're all I've got."
Hogwarts, June 18th 1996
"I know how you're feeling, Harry," Dumbledore says softly.
Anger surges inside me. How can he say that? How could he know?
"No, you don't," I snarl at him, turning away from him, looking out from the window of his office. But everything I see outside; the Quidditch pitch, the edge of the Forbidden forest, the path towards Hogsmeade, all of it reminds me of him. Sirius…
And it's all meaningless now.
"There is no shame in what you are feeling, Harry," Dumbledore continues, "On the contrary, the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength." He says quietly.
I grit my teeth in the mix of pain and rage I feel and whirl towards him, a sneer forming into my face. "My greatest strength, is it?" I say with a shaky voice, my voice rising with ferocity. "You haven't got a clue. You don't know…"
"What don't I know?" Dumbledore asks calmly.
I glare at him. "I don't want to talk about how I feel, all right?!"
"Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human – "
"THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE HUMAN!" I scream and take a hold of the nearest trinket I can see. I throw the instrument against the wall, breaking it into tiny pieces. I can't help but think how the broken device mirrors me perfectly.
I feel broken. Beyond repairing.
I take the next item on the table, flinging it across the room. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANY MORE!" I shout and break more of Dumbledore's possessions. After destroying every single item from Dumbledore's side table, I seize the small table and throw that towards the fireplace.
"You do care," Dumbledore continues, unaffected by the fact that I'm breaking apart his office. He eyes me coolly. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it."
"I DON'T!" I yell, my voice cracking. I can't do this. I can't. I – this can't happen to me. My eyes are stinging with tears that threaten to burst, and the feeling of rage surges inside me again as I look at Dumbledore. I want to break him. I want to hurt him. I want to make him feel like I do. I focus on the anger, because the alternative, I can't bear to think about it…
"Oh, yes, you do," Dumbledore says, still as calm as he has been the whole time. "You have now lost your mother, your father, and the closest thing to a parent you have ever known. Of course you care."
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!" I cry, my face scrunched up in pain. Why must he say that? Why must he bring them up? Why must he torment me? "YOU - STANDING THERE - YOU – " I yell, not able to say anything anymore, because the feeling of pain, the feeling of sadness and loss washes over me. I need to get away from here. I need to get away from Dumbledore.
I need Sirius.
Grimmauld Place, June 18th 1996
Even though I know the tapestry is never wrong, it has to be now. It has to be.
Because I'm here, aren't I?
And it was wrong about me.
I let out a strained sound and scramble back to my feet as hope flickers in my chest. I run upstairs to the library, and curse fervently for not having a wand on me. In a flurry, I grab several books from different parts of the room. There has to be something I can use to bring him back. There has to be.
"KREACHER!" I scream, brushing my wet face with the backs of my hands. The elf pops inside the library, looking at me cautiously.
"Yes, master Regulus?" It squeaks.
I take in a shaky breath. "I need…I need a book. Something. Something to bring him back," I mumble quickly, waving my hands over the library.
"Master Regulus?" Kreacher asks in confusion.
I throw a couple of books across the room, nearly hitting Kreacher with them in the process. "I SAID I FUCKING NEED A BOOK, SOME KIND OF FUCKING RITUAL TO GET MY BROTHER BACK!" I yell angrily, and Kreacher looks taken aback. I know the elf is used to screaming, since it's lived with my mother, but I reckon this is the first time I've yelled at it.
"Shit…" I choke and rub my face. I swallow hard, trying to close my mind, to shut away all the fucking feelings that are storming inside me.
"Go, um. Find Lupin. Or Dumbledore. Someone. I need a wand. And I need to know what is going on," I say stonily to Kreacher, who gives me a quick bow before it disapparates.
It's fucking late. Or early. It's actually morning, five-thirty to be exact. But who fucking cares?
The library door opens.
Lupin walks in, his bloodshot eyes trained at me, his brows lifting slightly as he takes in my appearance. I look like a mess, I think. I'm sprawled on the floor, leaning against the back of the couch, the contents of our library scattered around me, and a half-empty Firewhiskey bottle nestled between my hands.
Lupin stares at me with a stricken look.
"What?!" I snap at him, scrambling to my feet. "What happened?" I demand from him as I lean against the couch, unsure if my feet are able to carry my weight. "Is my brother…" I mumble, not able to finish the sentence, whatever it was going to be.
Lupin swallows hard. His whole demeanour is annoying the shit out of me. "S-Sirius is…gone. I saw it happen," He chokes, evidently trying to hold back tears.
Every bit of air leaves my lungs. He's truly gone?
"H-How?" I breathe. He knows what I'm asking about. I need to know how he died. I need to know who is responsible of my brother's…I can't even think about it without blackness threatening to overcome my vision. I blink furiously as I wait for him to answer.
He swallows hard before he whispers. "Bellatrix."
I take in a stuttering breath, while my mind screams at me, my stomach clenching so hard I think I might vomit soon. Anger, so fucking terrible anger surges through me. I throw the Firewhiskey bottle across the room.
"FUCK!" I roar and shove my both hands into my hair and pull it in distress, trying to suppress a…sob? A fucking break-down?
"Regulus…" Lupin says carefully, his voice hoarse and shaky, his throat bobbing as he keeps swallowing. "Dumbledore…Dumbledore said that this house – "
"Bella." I say darkly, interrupting him as realisation hits me. Since I'm officially dead, the next in line after Sirius is…Bella. I want to kill her. I'm fucking making her suffer. I'm going to take everything from her and enjoying every single moment of it.
"We don't know for certain. I know Sirius intended to leave Grimmauld Place to Harry, just in case if something…h-happened..." He says with a pained look. "But we don't know if your parents have somehow managed to disregard that," he continues quickly.
Truth to be told, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd actually managed to do that. And in that case, my home will fall to the hands of the person who murdered my brother.
"But we might be able to figure it out…with the help of Kreacher," He says hesitantly, clearing his throat as he quickly wipes the corners of his eyes.
I clench my jaw and give him a curt nod before summoning Kreacher. The elf pops back into the library moments after.
"Master Regulus summoned Kreacher?" The elf says, watching me carefully.
I force myself to stop gritting my teeth in anticipation. "Kreacher. Who is your Master? Who is the rightful heir of this house?" I ask stonily.
Kreacher looks disenchanted. Fuck…this can't be good.
"Harry Potter."
Thank fuck! I let out a shaky breath of relief and nod at the elf. "Good. Good…Now, bring me another bottle," I say emptily, while Lupin tries to protest.
"Regulus, you really shouldn't – "
I narrow my eyes at him. "I'm doing whatever the fuck I want, Lupin," I snarl at him, and take in a calming breath as Kreacher reappears with a full bottle of Firewhiskey and two crystal tumblers which the elf sets on the coffee table. I stumble to the table as I'm already a bit drunk, and snatch the bottle, unscrewing it as I glare at Lupin.
"Now, if you don't have anything else to say, I suggest you leave," I say coldly before taking a long swig straight from the bottle.
Lupin stares at my ministrations with a tormented look before giving me a slight nod. "I'll be back," he says quietly before slipping away from the library.
"Don't bother," I grumble to the empty room.
I'm in the centre of a cold, dark, rectangular room, standing in a great stone pit some twenty feet deep. Surrounding me are rows and rows of stone benches, climbing high towards the ceiling. In the middle of the room, in front of me, on a raised stone podium is an archway made of stone.
And my brother is standing on the other side of it.
"Sirius!" I breathe, relief filling me, worry twitching in the back of my head. "What is this?"
Sirius smiles at me, standing in place. "Hey, brother."
I try to move towards him, but I find I'm unable to. "Where are we?"
My brother frowns slightly, as if only taking note of our surroundings. "I don't really know." He says and winces abruptly, screwing his eyes shut.
"Sirius?" I ask hastily, not able to move forward, to go to him, even though I try.
He shakes his head slightly, blinking at me. "I feel something…Like…Something pulling me."
Then he stares at me in wonder. "We were here," he says quietly, his eyes flickering around the room. "Harry was here," He says, and his eyes widen with fright. "Harry! Is he, Reggie, is Harry – "
"He's fine." I grit through my teeth.
Sirius looks confused. "What is it?"
I swallow hard. "You…you died, brother. You died saving him. Potter," I say, and I can't stop the bitterness slithering into my voice, nor the steady, aching pain in my chest.
He considers my words and gives me a stunned look.
"Sirius. Are you dead?" I need to know, even though there is little to none evidence that he would be alive, since I'm quite positive I'm dreaming.
He speaks slowly after a moment. "I don't feel like I'm dead. I feel like I…want to exist. I don't – " He stops as his face scrunches up with focus.
"There are others. I can hear them. I can hear them calling me. Summoning me. Urging me to move forward, to go on," he continues, looking puzzled.
"…But I…I don't know if I'm ready, brother. I don't…I heard you. I heard you, Reggie," He says, his brows knitted together as a look of pain fills his eyes.
I let out a small gasp, my eyes stinging with tears. "You heard me?"
Sirius nods, his throat bobbing as he swallows. "Yeah. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to let you go, brother."
"Sirius…Don't – in any circumstance – do not follow them. Promise me, brother? Promise me that you won't go to them?" I say intently, and Sirius stares at me for a long time before he speaks, a pained look in his eyes.
"I promise."
I'm shaken up from my dream as I fall, head first, to the floor from the couch where I had apparently passed out.
"…ouch…fuck…" I mumble against the thick carpet, slowly dragging my hands up to lift my body. A sharp feeling of nausea overwhelms me, and I moan in anguish.
My head is pounding, my mouth is dry, and I feel overall wrecked. I pull myself up to sit on the floor, leaning against the couch as the events from last night surge back into my mind. The agony I was in, coming back with a full force.
Sirius…
I swallow deeply, and shake my head. I can't think of it. I can't. It hurts too much.
I rub my face and try to recall the dream I had right before I woke up. He was there. Sirius was there, and we were – my eyes widen slightly as I remember what he said, how someone was urging him to move onward. How he felt that he wasn't ready to leave me. How he promised he wouldn't.
Even though I know it was a dream, I still have this…odd feeling in pit of my stomach, that has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol I induced last night and this morning.
I need to see the tapestry again. I need to know if there's some magical trace that could help me to bring my brother back. If I was able to travel through time into the future, there might be a way to bring him back.
I stand up with a groan and make my way downstairs towards the drawing room.
As I push the door open, my legs give out. I scramble up and get a hold of the door while I stare at the tapestry.
Beneath my brother's name, beneath his date of birth, his date of death keeps flickering.
"…What?" I mumble and walk quickly closer, so close I can touch the textile, the embroidered lettering. Lettering that keeps fading completely at times.
"Sirius…?" I whisper, my mind spinning.
What does it mean? Is he alive?
Where is he?