After I suffered the miscarriage I experienced an emotional breakdown, I refused to eat and only left home to see Emily, we had been in the same hospital. It had been an unforeseen event and Trenton's arrogance hadn't allowed him to even give a damn. I returned from the hospital after a D&C to the house in a mess, Kim had quit because of his attitude and I was sick and left to do everything alone. That was a trying time in my life because I struggled to keep my sanity especially after Trenton announced he wanted another child, and demanded one.
I could not take anymore. I remember going inside of the garage and taking Tobias' gun from its hiding place and putting it to my head but something would not let me pull the trigger, I wasn't afraid, yet and still I could hear the children in the home. It was like their voices snapped me from the entranced state of mind I was in. The voices had led me there.
Emily was very sick and her health was declining rather than improving. The doctor talked about preparing for her to die and I didn't even have the strength to be her spokesperson, I knew he was right. My baby wouldn't make it, when it rained it poured. The depression was so severe and I considered suicide everyday, ending it all. I didn't even know how to be a mother. Trenton insisted I get out of bed after I had laid there 3 days, I had rearranged the patterns on the wall paper in my mind several times and felt the separation from my child. I didn't even know how to tell Troy what had happened and thought it was best he didn't know. I contemplated calling him, and he had waited.
Trenton would drink more and more and I wondered if I really had opened old wounds, he was not the same. "What is it u want from me?" He asked after finding me pulling out my hair, as if would stop my fit of rage. I rejected his affection, he had destroyed me and I was hurting so bad inside, living was agony. I decided to go through with it, I just could not live, the children's voice couldn't stop me that time, they were gone. I read The Lord's Prayer, kissed each of my babies pictures including Boogie's and walked into the garage. I sat beside the Cruz with the gun in my mouth, there was nothing or no one to stop me. I had written the letter as the voices instructed, they would feel my pain for eternity and I wouldn't suffer anymore. They would know everything.
I closed my eyes tight, pulled the trigger and jumped at the empty click. I had prayed to see Jesus, and repented for my sins but when I opened my eyes I only saw Jimi Hendrix on the garage wall with a guitar. I immediately removed the clip from the glock to find it empty. I knew there had been bullets inside. I got up madder than a muthafucka and went to google ammunition retailers. As I stormed inside the phone rang.
"Honey, we are having a blast at the zoo! U should have come along! I really didn't want anything, just wanted to know if u were still breathing!"
Was that some kind of sick joke?!
"I'm fine," I said.
"Ok, I'll be home soon with some fantastic news."
I ended the call and stared in the mirror. He had removed the bullets from the gun. As I stared at myself in bewilderment, embarrassment and disgust my phone rang again, it was the hospital. I looked at the number and at that moment my time stood still, I had not wanted to be alive to have to endure such pain I knew she was gone.
After I hung up I screamed so loud and fell to my knees, she was gone!!!
My precious babygirl, u her smile had been so beautiful, her eyes were so angelic and she was gone. I had not wanted to be here when she left me. I was not even strong enough to be at the hospital, my baby had died without me. It was like millions of knives went into my chest at once, it would hit me over and over each time more intense.
When Trent arrived he had known, after our call ended they had called him at 4:45, she had died at 4:43 the same time I was preparing to pull the trigger.
My world became so dark.
I was entranced in a psychologically fixated nightmare, and everyone were monsters. I would fight my sleep but wake up screaming when I would manage to fall asleep, Trenton would wash my face with a cool towel to try to calm me down. He decided we would have her cremated, her ceremony was small. He suggested Ryella went to counseling, she hadn't understood. I knew what he would do with her ashes. My birthday came 16 days after her death and I would have done anything to trade places with my innocent child. I heard her cries constantly. Trenton finally set aside his belligerent mindset to grieve as well. Her death actually brought us together and we continued counseling but I was empty and not the same. I had lost two babies in less than a month.
I knew I needed to make a change, instead of dying I was left behind and I had come to believe I had a purpose.
My husband resigned from the FBI after 12 years and focused on the Orchard, business was booming and the money was pouring in but I was empty. The designer shoes and clothes meant nothing to me, I couldn't find happiness.
One evening I decided to leave to find Kerri, I needed her, someone—-anybody, Trenton didn't even inquire as I packed an overnight bag, he just said, "Be careful," before telling me to drive the Chrysler. I didn't take heed to his permission, I would have left anyways in the 300. The drive was long and silent, I just wanted to cry. Trenton finally texted me and asked, "Do u think I will ever let u leave me?"
I ignored his threat and contemplated getting rid of the phone.
When I arrived in Shreveport I called Kerri, she answered. I looked forward to meeting my nephew and was willing to let go of any animosity I had toward her, we had so much to talk about. I arrived at her house in Morningside at 11:15, and I cried when she reached out for a hug. She was a Christian now. "After that man showed up and put that gun to Ayden's head I told God that enough was enough, I now let him guide my footsteps. He was looking for u."
I had known she had told Tobias I was on my way to Ethel and then Shreveport the night I intended to go. We talked about old times and omitted the sensitive parts but agreed Daddy messed us both up. She was in a relationship but spoke of ending it, and said it wouldn't be easy. As she spoke a bad feeling consumed me, it was almost like I had had a premonition. She insisted I spend the night and we slept in her bed, it reminded me of old times. Trenton had called several times and because the phone was in the car I hadn't known. I was so happy to see her and asked about Mama. "She's sober this week, call her."
I took her number and decided to call her later. Kerri had gained so much weight but she was still pretty, even being cock eyed.
I left her home the next morning around 9 preparing to get gas and go back to Metairie, the visit had lifted my spirits. I considered what she said, she had told me to just put God first and I wondered what it would be like to be a Christian, a true one.
I sat at a stoplight on Hearne Ave, and the music from a car caught my attention, it was in the lane next to me. I instantly recognized it and wondered why Troy—-Makil rather would be in traffic that early, of all people I had not expected to see his spontaneous ass. I ignored him as he spoke through the widow. The light changed and I proceeded to drive deciding to get gas somewhere other than where I was stopping at initially. The devil was definitely busy and after the long talk with Kerri I decided it was time to live right. He was telling me to pull over, how had he even recognized me! He blew his horn and was speaking through the window, now pissed because I was ignoring him. Finally he rolled down the window and motioned for me to let mine down, I kept going. I drove for a couple of minutes, he had turned left, I was kind of relieved but wanted him so bad. I reached for my charger to plug up my phone and call my husband back and while not paying attention I felt someone rear end the car, I cursed and looked in the rear view and saw it was an army green Charger. He had lost his fucking mind, we were in broad daylight on a major street. I knew the impact hadn't been hard enough to cause major damage but Trenton would talk shit, still. I was pissed and saw he was not going to leave me alone, I went to the app I had downloaded and never used. "Leave me alone!"
I had hit rock bottom emotionally and he would only add to it if I saw him, I just wanted to heal and make it work with Trenton. My sister finally convinced me to give it my all and mentioned how Grandma Hazel Mae was married 48 years and had been to hell and back because of the man she married, he was a killer too. "People don't live fairytale lives, u live one."
I lived a lie, and so did Trenton.
The dummy behind me just didn't get it, he texted back and said, "That won't happen, pull over."
I could not catch a break, I looked and saw I had a quarter tank of gas and decided to head toward I 49. His texts were coming in and I was ignoring them, I knew he was getting mad by how he was driving, he had followed me for at least 5 miles. I didn't understand why he would be in a rage, he hadn't even known how I felt about him before I confirmed he was a liar. I wondered who would run out of gas first and kept going, I saw a sign that said Alexandria was ahead. I dismissed the thought that occurred, was he going my way anyways? He began to call the Text App number, I was becoming so annoyed, I answered "WILL U JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" He then wanted to know if I had a problem. I told him he was the problem but he insisted he was the solution. He didn't get it, and I felt violated because he would just pop up out of nowhere, it was getting odd. I had miscarried, he was detrimental to my health and my life. "I'm not turning around," he texted with angry emojis. I wanted to kill that nigga, whatever the fuck his name was. Trenton played some fucked up games and Satan himself kept coming at me strong. I was livid. I finally pulled over, I was afraid to get out so I cracked the window. He stepped out of his car, holding his pants at the waist while wearing a damn belt, in a Jordan T-shirt. His stride said he was upset, he had hastily approached my car. Seeing him brought back memories but I now felt in harms way.
"U thought u could just leave town without seeing me?" He asked through the window.