I talked plumb crazy to Trenton every chance I got, speech impediment and all, he would lock the wheelchair and demand me to sit in the middle of the floor and not say shit. My children were gone when we arrived to God knows where. The drive had taken forever and he had gone through a series of emotions meanwhile. He had went from giving up to speaking on my health improving, then he recounted how it would hurt him for my children to ask about me, he would somehow answer indirectly and change the subject but said it would discomfort him.
He spoke of how he held on. No matter what he said I didn't trust him or no one else, and preferred being on my own. When I looked at him, I saw pain. I was perplexed by how the genuine concern yet existed as it had before, there was no reason to still pretend. I told myself I would improve and leave him, it was impossible for me to love him. How could he even still love me? When I expected a look of shame, I had received the look of remorse, he was guilty.
"I tried to protect u, the hospital was the safest place. They didn't even know u were there. I left home with the children for a reason," he had said to me during the ride. He had known they were coming as I had suspected and I felt they would come back for me. Trent would say things almost for me to decipher and played elementary games. I would get pissed off and he would punish me by pushing me on the patio and forgetting I was outside on purpose, or by telling Kim, the Filipino cook to puree my food. With the help of Claudia the home health nurse I was improving healthwise and had taken a couple of steps, and Trenton had thought it was a good idea to buy me a treadmill. He would let me talk to the children, but hadn't wanted them to see me until my health progressed. I was angry for a week but eventually decided he may have been right after looking in the mirror. The day I looked at myself naked and I could see my pelvic bone I knew I had died and come back. I was so scarred up I hadn't known how Trenton still wanted to look at me, I looked like a crackhead! I told myself that day I had to improve, I missed me.
The Acute Kidney Failure had stemmed from minimal brain activity and Megan had told me of the possibilities of it reversing itself and functioning normally once my regular physical activity improved as well as abide by a strict diet plan and Trenton had taken full advantage of the menu for a sickly bitch.
He had pulled a chair in front of me one evening and I had been sitting and screaming for a couple of hours, it was Friday and I could hear him walking through the home. I had even heard him cutting wood and talking shit about a winter storm. Earlier he'd given me pictures of Emily and I hadn't known who she looked like, he studied my expression before saying, "She favors Mama."
She had made it and I could look at her and tell she was glad to be out. He was keeping me from them and it hindered my ailment, it hadn't helped my mind. He stared for a moment as he sat, and at a low tone he spake, I could look at his arms and tell he had chopped a lot of wood. His conversation began with how much he loved me and how he hadn't intended on anything he had done being in vain. He hadn't spake sarcastically this time, his words seemed genuine but were falling on deaf ears, I could not trust him. I had so many questions he just refused to answer and daily I prayed for strength to kick his ass.
"I knew u were an 11 and could manipulate people, it's natural, but when I realized u hadn't remembered I knew I had done the right thing. U had followed them, u were so---I had been on a job and I heard u! I thought u were in danger. Apparently not, I mean----"
I was lost, and as usual he wasn't making sense who had he watched me follow? Had he saw me kill someone? WHO? "I'll do anything to protect u, and I'm sorry about your father---the shed I mean, I painted over it, I just could not let anyone see your secrets. How long were u in there Haze?"
HE DID WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?
"I love u, I loved u then, I couldn't sleep and I wondered if u even cared, u just left him laying there!"
WHO?
I asked, he told me to just let him gather his thoughts, that muthafucka was crazy. It was like he was falling apart, almost as if guilt was eating him alive, what had he done?
"I had looked for him all those years, and I couldn't believe it. They would meet and I watched them sometimes 3 times a week, but then u showed up. U looked like a man, in the sweats and all, and it was something about how u demanded him to kneel. No fear, only aggression."
I watched his mouth, his slightly misaligned bottom row teeth jutted out at me as it all made sense. Had he saw me kill---Terrell? HOW SO, hadn't Redd killed him! I could not remember back to that night, I hadn't even known the night he was killed, his body had been decomposed, had they even known when he was killed? If I killed him why had I done it? I had only found about Redd's extracurricular activities at court right? I knew I needed to get better, get my children and leave that man alone. He had had a personal vendetta against someone, had I killed his prey?
He just went on and on about how he was so in love, what he had done for our anniversary and how he wanted more children, if I had had the strength to unlock that wheelchair I would have rolled that muthafucka out of the upstairs window. The way he looked at me at that moment let me know he was serious, he was seemingly on the verge of nutting up, while professing his love. He said he would do anything to keep us together. When had he been to the shed?
"I went back to check the mail and saw u had a payment, I left it inside, I told u all good things will produce an 11. U know, the check? $83,000? I figured if u escaped u would go home and find it."
Until he mentioned it I had forgotten about the settlement, I'd planned to leave Mya's and find my babies before leaving town for good. I still had florida in mind, I had wanted Twan and I to move there and start over. Trenton had mentioned Carlita's brother being a police but the last I heard only one officer was being investigated for his murder. I often visualised his last moments, something precious was taken from me, I loved him regardless to what Trenton said about him. My husband had showered me and treated me with love and respect, but he had a darkside, most of the good ones always did.
He had wanted me to stay at the hospital and said the only reason I was found because I had Mya's phone. She had to have told, I heard nothing else about the truck or my belongings inside, I needed identification and had money just sitting in the bank. There was no doubt in my mind that man loved me, he poured his heart out in emotional increments, but I needed love from my children. I hadn't even known who had them, he just kept insisting they were safe. The new year had just rolled around and he spake no different than he had before my coma. I was learning things about the people I had recently encountered and he had to have known Carmella was a detective and Christy was a snitch. Also I remembered he had mentioned the yogurt I had purchased the day I left with Troy. I realized it wasn't much I had done that he hadn't known about and he'd mentioned when he finally tracked the Charger to the cemetery I was nowhere to be found. He had known my every destination also he had known about the Impala I had purchased. "U had driven to Oak Cliff, and come back in a gown," he said when he mentioned it again. I wanted to get away from him! I was so trapped and helpless! He bathed me, combed my hair, fed me and did not leave home unless he was going to the children. I knew it would not be long before I would be able to walk again, I was so numb inside, the hurt of abandonment never goes away and as much as he claimed it was because he had my best interest at heart I could not forgive him, I had almost died all because he wanted me safe! I was dying inside for my babies anyhow, he didn't know what was best for me! I was fucked up because of him!
"I saw u panic, u left so fast u forgot to turn on the headlights. Your boyfriend went to the police and said he had found text messages in his phone where u had texted Hathaway telling him to meet u, had u saw all of their messages and pictures? I must admit they were pretty, um, u know."
What was he talking about I hadn't texted Terrell from Redd's phone, had I?
"Redd knew they would come for u, he was in love with him. He kept insisting they reopen the case, and searched for u to turn u in. The night u two were arrested he expected to be released but I made sure he stayed in prison also. He tried to get u to confess in the letters, they were sent to u by an unknown source."
Is that what Redd meant when he said I had gotten away this time? I refused to believe he tried to play me, and if so why had Trenton been so concerned? It was something that he wasn't telling me. I wished I could meet his mother, I knew she was alive. I figured Pam could tell me something and planned to reach out to her when I was better. Also, hadn't the judge mentioned an apple at the crime scene? When the thought occurred it was as if he had read my mind. He just stared at me and studied my frightened expression and said, "He just couldn't lay there." I was just so sick sometimes I wished I would have died, was I left behind to suffer? After 3 months of therapy he promised my babies could come home, Lawrence and Nakia had taken care of all of them except my newborn for almost a year, it was hard knowing another woman had partially raised my offsprings. I learned Brown had led the authorities to our home, Trenton had wanted me hospitalized under an alias for protection, he knew they would come. The altercation had pissed Brown off, and Trenton faced criminal charges for basically marrying a fugitive. Had he really loved me enough to take that chance? The thought softened me, and my anger toward him somewhat subsided. No matter how I looked or how sick I was, I was his priority, he would carry me around even after I began to walk again. Emily was 8 months before I held her, she was a sick baby and had been hospitalized off and on, her lungs were very weak, she had suffered from Apnea of Prematurity and had been incubated off and on since birth. She underwent extensive steroid therapy and the doctor's saw her breathing on her own in the future. I would go to the hospital and sit with her, she was active but did not know me, it hurt like hell.
He insisted I leave the money in the bank, so I did just that.
My phone had been disconnected when I was in the hospital, he had tried to prevent them from tracking me. I knew I needed to go to Keithville I had some unfinished business, we were in Metairie Louisiana and I didn't know anyone. I was beginning to get homesick even though I had no friends there, I often thought about Angela. One day I called her at work and when she realized it was me she could not even talk to me for laughing. I gave her my new cell number and she called, her conversation began, "Why didn't u just use the wheelchair ramp?!" We laughed and I told her what I had been through, it saddened the mood a bit. She said she had good news before telling me Kerri had given birth to a son. I wondered who the fuck she had trapped to give her a baby. I thought about the love I had for her growing up and when Angela said she had her number I fought back tears and swallowed my pride before showing excitement. I had contemplated reaching out to her a couple years earlier, now it was time. I needed to deal with the issues I had with her because I loved her, she was family. I had been loyal to everybody except family. I hung up with Angela and called Kerri but reached her voicemail. The next day at Dialysis she called back.
"Hazel Myers, bitch who done married u?" She asked after I answered, and why does it sound like u got a dick in your mouth?"
I smiled before I said, "And who gave your cockeyed ass a baby? Is he cockeyed too?"
"A little bit, but he should grow out of it."
The Dialysis Tech looked concerned, I just laughed. I could not believe I was talking to Kerri and when I told her I had 6 living children she could not believe it. We had so much to talk about. When she said Daddy was missing a chill came over me, I kinda froze and the room became cold suddenly. Why would he be missing? After I hung up I could not help but think about how protective Trenton was, I had tried to call Daddy a few times but the number was no longer in service which was strange, he had had that number since Kerri and I were born. I decided I definitely had to go back, texted my sister and said I would be there soon, I knew Trenton had court in Virginia the next week. Kim would watch the children and I would be back before no time, I wanted to know about my father and watched Trent's expression when I mentioned it, it had not suited my curiosity, but only had enhanced it---he smirked. "I read everything in the shed, why are u worried about his whereabouts?" Because he just wouldn't up and disappear, and I heard what the cops had said about a fucking missing girl that's why Trenton! I spoke with a slur but he understood every curse word I threw at him, as a matter of fact, where the fuck are your parents? U spoke of your father as if he was just "Nathaniel Carter"! What happened, I wanted to know! As he packed for his trip he watched me watch him. I instantly thought about the keys I hadn't taken them to the hospital with me and hid them with my cell phone, under the shed. I knew I needed them and decided to go to Ethel before I went to Shreveport.
When I arrived at Emily Orchard I saw the car at the gate and thought about turning around, but I had driven too far and considered it a coincidence. Maybe they sat on the side because they too had hit a deer. It was cold as shit and no one in their right mind would be out there without the engine running. As I pulled to the gate I heard the car door open, and then "I knew my brother fucked with yo dumb ass for a reason," before "Now bitch, lead me to my future."