Davinda really didn't know how fucked up I was but what I found out was she had barely survived the attack months before when I found her at my Daddy's place. All I could say was "water". I was so dehydrated and could walk but barely. I was so close to dead and when I finally arrived at the hospital they treated me like a homeless drunk. "They come in here pregnant just for a place to sleep, she's no different." They weighed me I had went from 210 to 155, and I could not really remember life before the bridge. I had loved someone, I remembered that much.
She had been waiting for a trick and said she thought she had smoked too much dope when she saw me laying there. All she could really see was my head and tangled hair, it was full of all kinds of debris. She said she recognized the scar across my forehead when I sat up and also knew they had given it on the news as a description. "Who did this to u?"she asked, and I hadn't remembered much but I remembered seeing Redd.
Days went by before I recollected the details but they would come and go. I would see the sun, the orange sunset haunted me, he had destroyed me, and I knew I could not keep that child or let him live. I hadn't known if I had already conceived before the rape. I was full of hate but kept my mouth closed. I could not kill a nigga if he was locked up. When Trent finally came to the hospital to take me home he was so hurt, he looked like he had given up on life, he had almost lost as much weight as I had. All he did was cried at first, and kept apologizing for crying. Then he turned mean.
Frump, Davinda's trick had driven me to Christus Schumpert hospital and when they found out I didn't have insurance, they discharged me with a dehydrated pregnancy diagnosis and the worst case of heartburn in history. The story ended up being I had left my husband and 4 children to get high, I was a junkie. Maybe the junkie part had a ring of truth, I had consumed so much liquor but the child would not die. I had minor cuts and scrapes and was so funky they wore masks like they were about to operate when they would enter my room. Also, Davinda told them my name, and Trent had reported me missing as Hazel Myers, and he had a $25,000 reward if anyone found me. She hadn't even known. He had given up so soon.
My husband said when I first left, everyday he had planned to take his own life, but was a coward, he felt he had always been one. When he decided to go on with it Ryella just walked through the door and didn't even notice the gun, and said "apple tree." He thought it was a sign so he put the children in the car and drove there. He had for some reason thought Tobias had followed and kidnapped me when he found the cardboard box on the ground moved. A strange car had been reported being at the cemetery and towed, it had taken them weeks to determine it was mine, even with an apb. Everything was gone, it had been vandalized but they could not move it, I had my own keys. I had taken them and let the windows down to air the car out, I hadn't wanted Trent to know I had smoked on the trip. When I got in Redd's truck I had them. I was willing to bet he had thrown them out before he left the cemetery. Trent was so distraught, we were not the same couple, he could not function and had drastically changed. He never spoke about the child I carried, and had told me whenever I was ready to talk about it he would listen but could not touch me. I was being punished so terribly and the child inside just---grew. I hated it. I went to Hope Medical Group for Women at 16 weeks and had every intention to go through with an abortion. He had even taken me there and as soon as I went inside I just could not do it, someone deserved a child. I was so sad but I began to pick up the pieces and accept it, and the fact that I went to the abortion clinic told him I knew it was not his child. I smoked weed everyday.
I was so tired of the cold shoulder, I had done nothing wrong! He believed deep down I left to be with someone, and I hadn't even told him about the rape yet. I was so unresponsive for the first two weeks at home, and the voices were abundant. I just wanted him to touch me! They told me he would never touch me again. I couldn't take any more, I stood before him begging him to help me, the tears were wetting the collar of my robe, he just said he couldn't even help himself and got up. My son crawled on the floor, he stepped over him like he wasn't there. Redd had ruined my marriage, and had destroyed the bond Trent had with the children and I. "Do u know what it's like to think the person u love more than anyone else will come home any minute, just to be let down! Every headlight, every call I expected it to be u." The police said no one leaves all their shit behind. I could see his temples pulsating, and the tears in his eyes. He was so fragile, and I was too. We could not help each other. I would kill Redd for sure, he had killed me one time too many.
My children, whom I loved dearly preferred Trent. I adored him so much for keeping them, but couldn't even express it, I really understood we were married after I had sat in the room two days when I first came back. I stood in the mirror before showering trying to recognize the woman I saw and looked at the monogrammed towels with our initials and knew he was my husband, not because of what the initials were, but it just made sense suddenly, I was GONE.
I had a husband. When I asked for a divorce, he said I was fuckin' foolish and called me a vagabond. He slammed every door and peeled every apple just to look at them turn brown, then he would peel onions. He would jack off in front of me without any notice, I wanted his passion, the rape had not traumatized me sexually.
Pam had come for my babies when she heard I was missing, he had refused to let them leave with her. He'd taken them somewhere to protect them. Now though, I was just a schizo baby machine and he didn't think too highly of me. I wanted him to give up and let me go.
I think I snapped when he started talking to me in broken syllables like I was slow. I told him one day to just go fuck someone, he said he would never commit adultery. I found his sarcasm so amusing though and he used it as a defense mechanism, I accepted it at times because I knew he was hurt. I was use to being the culprit so I decided to not act like a victim. He had been traumatized, long before me. One day while he tried to get me to understand his pain he mentioned his sister and how she was gang raped and killed when they were young by his friends, they had been by the lake and he could not fight them all. He said no one would help him, he ran to go get help and returned, but they all were gone. She had been beaten with a brick, and clung on to life but died at the hospital. He said he turned against everyone involved and turned to the streets, even family and would only give me bits and pieces until I eventually got the whole story later on. I just wanted to mend our relationship when it all was said and done but everyday was a struggle. He'd wanted to talk again and that was a start he was opening up.
There were days under that bridge I erased the fact I had even been raped and had thought I belonged there. I had fought men off and George protected me from them, he would tell me I reminded him of his daughter, she had died while he was in Kuwait, Franchesca was her name. I had been offered the needle and I think I may have accepted the offer but George intercepted and stopped me from doing something I would have regretted. I was dirty and no one knew me but knew I had been raped. No one called the police, they probably wouldn't have come anyways, I was just---there. I vaguely remembered seeing Angela, we fought as she tried to get through to me. I didn't know her and didn't want to know her. She had gone and days had passed when I recognized her. At that point in my life only God could fix me and I wondered whether death was better than life. The troubles of the world. After Kerri didn't show up I accepted being alone, and cherished my new family. Did the bitch even know I was dead?
The day my husband grabbed my hand as I passed him he wanted to say something, he looked in my eyes but let my hand go. He ripped my heart out, I had thought just briefly, that he would passionately kiss me or just say "I'm ready to make it right again," but instead he had walked off with a look of disappointment. I couldn't take it anymore. I waited for him to leave and packed as much as I could. As I went back and forth to the Uber he was calling my phone, I hadn't even programmed any numbers or even used it, I answered, "Where are u going?" I looked at the outside camera and ended the call. I continued to get my shit, he texted. "If u want to see crazy, take my babies." I think I got scared. They were all wrapped up in coats looking at me like they had read the damn message. I refused to allow him to add to my hurt, I needed healing. I remembered he promised to heal me! He was making me worse. I moved back inside of the guest room, but stayed. When he came back all the children were screaming, I had broken all of the glass I could find. He consoled them and broke down. When I realized I had destroyed some sentimental shit I felt lower than low. I hated that baby I carried so much, I prayed for it to die after sparing it. I would be so sick, sicker than with any of the others and Trent was adamant that it wasn't his baby. He knew it was someone else's and I could see some regret at times, it didn't matter how much he put on. He suggested we went to counseling together right after Thanksgiving, it was a rough one, but all the kids had colds. He called Nakia's niece Mya to babysit and we went to his therapist. I was willing to do anything for our marriage, but would not tell him I had been raped, still.
I don't know how the constructive criticism session turned deadly but it did. The therapist persuaded me into telling what Redd had done. I would not speak to Trenton because it seemed like he was pointing fingers the whole session. I decided to tell the therapist directly since it was confidential but while he listened, yet I never called Redd's name. I saw the remorse in his eyes as I spoke and poured my heart out.