Falling through the clouds of broken dreams shattered in fragments barely understandable, her screams were whispers in an open world where people were cruel.
Descending through an abyss of nothing, a black void. No beginning, no end just a continuous lap of constant pain and grief. No one would mention how she felt, why she felt, who she felt, what she felt. To them she was a robot, her emotions to a societal perspective, non-existent.
How could she cope. The undying presence of loneliness and regret, that this was her routine. Where people looked at her strange deformations as a plague, a contagion disease that if touched you'll surely suffer deeply and be forever frowned upon; as a loser.
Dreading every morning, as she would wake up still falling through the dull routine; Brush teeth, shower and eat, feed cat and water plants then catch the 7.35AM train to work only to be critized. Working for an employer who judged her, bullied her.
Wearing a black trousers, black long sleeve underneath her navy blue uniform shirt. Stacking womens deodorant on shelfs and soon she'd make her way back to the storage room.
To grab cans of mens shaving cream and hair dye to restack those too.
Where did she go wrong. Was it not asking Nancy Dean out to prom? Maybe it was her coming out, telling her parents that she was gay. They were conservative and very religious.
She knew after her eightenth birthday, her parents would legally kick her out. Tossed out into the world, unknown to the cruel realities of self independence.
Now its been a three years. Her cat, Bebe is all she has. Bebe keeps her grounded and sense in control, the tabby is all she has. Apart of the small apartment with a box telly, a microwave and pot filled out whenever to boil, she hadn't yet brought a kettle.
Tired, limp and her gaze dimly lit. No siblinings, no realitives to keep in contact with her that could help.
Absent-minded, she placed the women's razors up on their designated areas. Cutting herself in the plastic edge,
"Fuck." She cursed under her breath,
"Oi, if I hear you say that again I will report you!" A women from behind her whispered-shout. She just rolled her eyes and sucked at her index.
"Illiterate women, think they own the world." She mumbled under her breath, but it didn't go unnoticed, unfortunately.
"That's it!" The senseless women walked up to a counter asking for the manager, a few minutes later her manager angrily walked to her.
"This women says you were insulting her. Is that true?" The male manager asked stern,
"Whatever." She replied tired of her job, if she got fired it wouldn't matter she was sick of this.
"Your behaviour is appalling, your presence is just as much, and your skills are just as bad-"
"Then why did you hire me?" She scoffed, already she was preparing to walk away when her manager had called her out,
"Consider yourself fired."The manager stated in a deep low tone,
" Great, I didn't want your fucking job. As for you-" She turned on her heels to the lady who reported her," - You can just go back to you husband whose probably having an affair on you. Go report him, you spineless prick." She already dug out and had in hand a rolled cigarette.
Sticking it behind her lips, "You know you can't smoke here!" The manager informed angry,
"I don't care, man. Cause I don't work here-" She started walking down the aisle towards the cashier stations, grabbing a packet of gum. "-Deduct it from my pay." She had spat, the automatic glass doors opening for her.
The heavy rain pouring on her, she sighed. Puffing out the cigarette smoke, pulling out her phone opening her music playlist.
David Bowie, Space Oddity.
She started to make her way home, catching the train. Since she was soaking wet, people looked it her annoyed, she smelled of cigarette and sweat.
Getting off the train and walking down her block she noticed it being empty, but not silent as the rain continued to pour down this time lightly.
Unlocking her door, to the sight of her white plain interior. Bebe purring at the side of her leg.
"Hey Bebe, come her girl-" She picked up Bebe and walked to her feeder placing her down and filling it with small treats. Instantly Bebe started chewing at the treats,
She walked to her room and lied on her bed, sighing she then turned over to her side looking at her pillbox.
Depression,
Anxiety
Tourettes.
She remembered going to school and being called a freak, cause back then talking about Mental Illnesses was taboo. Word got around she had several therapists, and spent months in a Physc Ward.
The female doctor, her short brown hair and the way it curled at the bottom. She remembered telling her she was homosexual, "Please, don't tell my parents." That was heavily ignored this was how her parents found out,
How they found out their daughter was a suicidal hormonal abomination on this Earth.
She remember her mother telling her father what happened, when she picked her up from the therapist in their old 90s station wagon.
"No daughter or mine is going to be gay! God will send you to hell! Is that where you wanna go?" Her fathers booming voice startling her everytime, after that they couldn't bare to look at her. Afraid she would cast a spell on them with an inhumane sickness, whatever they thought. It was all bullshit.
" God have mercy on you, I'll be praying for your soul!" She chuckled revising the words her mother said to her as she closed the door on her daughter forever.
She picked her legs up and swung her body to face the pill box. Opening them, she emptied it into her hand,
She pulled out a pen and paper with her night stand draw, writing in simple one word.
One word that meant so much to so many people, a word with so many meanings.
Happy.
It could of come off as a question or a statement, it was very vague. And she just pinned it up on the headboard.
And laid back down her bed,
And then it happened again.
She woke up,Brush teeth, shower and eat, feed cat and water plants then catch the 7.35AM train to work only to be critized. Working for an employer who judged her, bullied her.
And endless cycle of pain and grief.