Before I made the regrets of my lives, I had a simple life. I spent many lives of freedom; soaring my beloved blue skies, diving the depths of the unknown oceans and among great wise elders within lush forests. I know what the sun feels like and the smell of rain on dry earth. I knew the migration patterns that all took for lifetimes. I sure danced my days in many shapes and each were unaware of its past life.
I were a simple soul, as was everyone else along many turns of worlds and lifetimes. Peace at where I went and when I loved exploring each life's quirks.
Lives of being a free soul meant learning as any child does. For one to fly, one must have been the sparrow to dare it. To been among the ocean vents, lay centuries of dodging the horrors of danger were to be a local crab. The young deer to become a mother and grow as the elder among my tribal fellow dearest. I knew the sweet relief from after years of caged in bars. Innocent years were to know what it means to starve, to hunt, to swim through the tried currents of water. I were once a tree whom mend broken limbs in the harshest of winds and biting axes. The one spider whom lived for years in the corner of a barn house.
Innocent, blissful of all of life's greatest tests but not so peaceful as you were thinking. Each life I were has always had it's ups and downs. Some weren't fair and others were a great honour to wear with pride.
Here I stayed on this land, from one life to the next for such excitement and with such blindness. It were becoming some sort of lotto game to wake up a new life and learn what I was going to be next. The thrills of waiting to see what around the next corner. Surviving on what little I could have or what wealth I can make of it. Many children and many loved ones, they come and gone. Watch the worlds of lives clash each other; the deer meets the human hunter. The circle of life; a great thrill I lived by.
To be the farmer's cat and to be the dog that chased them away. I weren't aware of my past lives as I lotto my way through them. Not until I made a great mistake.
Or were it just one day fate that I would ended up this way?
To look back now is all I seem to do with answering such a life's question.
Where did it all go wrong?
At what point were the start of this Alice in wonderland of madness? A reply that whimpers of the regret I never finished.
I never got to the summer lands as a fledging bird; got murdered by the weather. I killed that cat, whom happened to also be me too. That thrill to live reckless has often been my ruin and my deeper regrets. I never got to tell my lovers what I meant to have had said. Some of my children I left without hope and no where. I took a few of them, believing it were better then…
Such a animal back then, all those days I love and hate so much.
Such a strange cold woke me out of everything and I were confused. Despite it all, I stared blankly on to what my mind numbed as ghost reminders of the regret. In actually, I was just staring upward to this stranger.
A figure whom changed me and made me see this. I know it now but I were such a innocent like blissful ignorant innocent. I thought instead if I don't know if I should love them or hate them. If they were someone that came to help me or a stranger to wake me out of the dream.
Yes, at a blurry glance. I assumed it were a human. A thing had seemed like all the rest of us, but I know now.
I know I shouldn't have. A terrible terrifying thing that wasn't from here. It wasn't from my realm that I call freedom or home. A monster had been droning on and on about something. Spoken in some language I have never heard possible before. It was ragged for what little was to show, thinned like it were starving. A bone like body with only a paper like skin over, torn sections that allow sight into the lack of organs, guts or blood. It was wearing darkness or that I was too drunk to notice about the lack of clothing... or gender. There were wound like cuts through it and the most notable was it strange marks around the neck area, carved glowing bits of strange pictures.
I see it in my dreams even now, when I am allowed to dream. I haven't forgotten it.
I was the idiot to shake their stick claw hand in greeting. I were about to ask it or tell it I haven't a clue what it was trying to tell me. I thought they were helping me back on my feet or some other human interaction that any normal human does.
Just a touch had invaded something under my skin, like etching a ice scalple across my internal organ, through to my marrow in my bone. I let go of them, freaked out by the void enveloping my heart and creating a creak... like my soul was a mirror that some stone was thrown to shatter it. In lodged there, still managing one piece while weakened.
A great plum of sand was clouding everything, I had stopped paying attention. 'It must have left.' was my lapsed thought goes. Even before I could do anything else. Fate took away that chance to ask what it did or why it shook my hand.
It were dust among the unseen winds. It had became ash cloud, fading like smoke. Drafting into smaller and lesser whatever.
I can only compare what that seemed like to being a vampire on a park bench watching the morning sunlight, overlooking graves at the close proximity to a holy church.
It were only a few hours before that I find more comforting things to think about. At that time, I was coming back from a party night out. It was the ungodly hours of the morning, a wreck-less fool as I have been for many lifetimes. I was half-passed out on my front doorstep into the shared four bedroom student flats.
From my mind's perspective at the time of when I shook it's hand, was hardly nothing. A idiot that I was, were so punch drunk, had not realized it was real. I had not acknowledged whatever happened as anything more the a hallucination.
All that I could make sense of what and why instantly after that dream brusted into nothingness. I had a sobbering recall, as the thought of the nightmare had actually made me empty inside.
Just thinking the claws that were rough and had a sandy texture. It were a double take of just watching the still lingering ash dancing the sombre of the breeze before me.
No... I shivered
It were just some nightmare… some joke. Just a side affect of all the drugs and wine and booze and whatever has happened between bar arrival and being slumped alone at my door step.
Dust to my eyes of curiosity but never more than just some afterthought.
It were the mark of the following months and years I come to be tortured by my past lives and seek medical human help for my mental inflictions.
Becoming scared of my own shadows. Death came quick from the years of battling my most inner of demons. Taking the cowards why out and to the need to punish myself for everything I believe to be my faults.
(Author note: Dont ever think is ok to ignore those around you or to punish yourself in anyway. No matter what, you are not alone in the world. Do not be this main character. This is just book, just a story. There is love, you only have to look.)
The next chance to being a new born; blinded confused soul from then. Still so scared of shadows. I were a scared faithless and lost little one.
Just some kitten in a litter of street cats; a runt scared of everything and running away from all. I ran away from even death; never once were my nine lives ever touched this life as I were able to see and be scared it everything I should never had been able to. But yet I lived knowing about this new world and learned of my lives… nine lives for 120 human years. I am self-aware and ever more scared of things. Things from beyond then just the grave.
What allow me to be taken were that of humanity's downfalls – wars came with worse then just computers and phones. Something took the codes of all the nuclear powers and ground zero all of them across the world. Erupting a radiation cloud storm wiping out all the millions of lives.
It took many lotto tries to become in a place to start again. So many tries of being erased quick then anyone could live or to be born and suffer a dark existence under locked vaulted places.
I were eventually born a adapted life among the surface. New species of the wastelands. A scaled reptile parasite, renowned for 'corpse stealing'.
No competitive streak with the vast amounts of dead hanging homes, towns and cities. A spoil of choose, such a pleasure soon met with flash backs.
The one corpse of myself that woke in a drunken hand shake; awaken reasoning to working out why I remember my other lives. Unlike all those around me; this encounter were my first and the domino for all that fell after what I remembered.
All for some teenage mission for answers to all my pent up questions. I dared to learn how to speak like a human. I dared to no longer act or speak like a creature that needed to survive. I grew to know my ghostly shadows were more then what they seemed. There was more behind the mask of nightmares. There had to been a somebody or something in that cloth, cloud and mask. A thing that walked as a ghost and ash amongst living. Much like the grim reapers taking our souls. They too had to be somebodies.
They have answers. My quest and my next down fall. These masked fellows were minx's, illusive in where they appear. The moonlight did me no help as I would want to approach them and there was no communications with such mute puppets. I could linger around close alone to learn from them and the death gods were harder to contact.
How they ignored my plead to speak to me and answer my questions; how they all assumed I spoke to the corpse's soul and not to them. It were getting tiring and years were spending harsher and harsher as the more I removed my animalistic ways.
Death waited not for me or anyone; never kind to answer me. When I died again, no word was given by the grim whom took me. How he dared to thrown me aside as some empty worthless soul. I dearly remembered this one for it. Now I name him, the unkind reaper. Such a prayed name stuck to him and I hope I find him with it. How my faith is my only guide for answers and not religious lies.
Why were this mission my next downfall, you ask? Oh surly you remember how we met; don't you not remember. Not remember what you're family did to me?
Were it not you whom told the tell of that your grandfather died into ashes after cursing some unseen girl helpless to the floor?
What a great story you wear so some badge of honour? The suffering the you dared now cause, just as your forsaken grandfather did to me?
You asked me to tell you this wives tell and here I am answering against my will-power. Now you spit at me for my disobey tones and unfinished hate over you very soul. Some day I will eat you, just I as will eat that unkind reaper that you call an cold ally pawn.
I will snap you into little ashes, a piece at a time for all the moments I suffered my cursed ways. Hate is all I have and revenge is my biggest bite around your neck.
Aren't you glad to have forced me into you back stabbing servant? How good it is that you took me, a soul that never wished to be stolen from my freedom, my home.
Tell me puppet master, why can't I just break you into little pieces until we scream together into hell?
Sadly, I am not a demon. Just some spiteful revenge soul you scooped off the floor 13 years ago. Hardly worth the little money you get for sale of my contract over my soul. If that of course you think you can… Yes, I put a foot into that. I spoke up where others servantly stayed muted. I asked you to free my curse and that you are responsible for me until that is broken. Despite our deaths – this bond will ruined us both. I can only leave you to break it and only you to fix my spite.
You are to break this curse upon my soul and free us from or bond and from my shackles of longed hatred.
You can't ever rid of me now. Blame your family for such a damned cruse that is worn as some badge of honour. How it spits in your face… how I have for my suffering and blame for reminding me. For breaking me. Damn you for these cursed lives.