Often when half awake, not paying any attention to what I need to focus on or even when sleeping. Alway most likely to show face when I am really exhausted or at just past my sight if felt the pressure of the air change.
Tall long limbs, stretched everywhere but where I am looking. Always squishing itself in contorted angles to evade total sight. Attached to any surface, warped in any reflection and sometimes just the noises of there.
It follows everywhere.
On the worst days, when life has thrown a lot of problems. It is there with a cold palm creasing my shoulder, playing in my hair and always stood at my back.
But, its a comfort then a hinder those days... reminding me of my lost loved ones. It always nudging me to a phone or email. I can't help myself with following through to read old messages from those I am missing.
I still call the phone number of on my relatives, despite knowing that they are gone. I fall into just ranting to the dead phone line... wishing to hear them back.
On days where it wouldn't matter, it finds ways of creeping bad memories. The arguments I regret. The petty ways those around them just took everything. The worst is how it interrupts moments of relaxing. I could be watching unreliable TV show and just... want to break down in tears of grief.
I can't even sleep in the dark anymore. The hope of the light driving away that pain. Its rather meanless, as I will still dream of being followed around.
Maybe one day it will take me too, just as it took those I love. How inevitable that someday it will be me in a coffin or cremation jar.
I have to make do with what I have for now, the life I lead and find a way past this reminder. Someday, I would not long be afraid.
This isn't giving up or really moving on. Its making sense of this pain and turning it into something better. So that I will move on, then.
I can't seem to get my brother to see it my way. I am just his little k, whom scared of the dark and doesn't defend herself from others.
The adults are no different. Someday someone will.