Times likes these, the moments when I feel torn between reality and a world that I've dug up to cover myself from the harsh realization that I'm as messed up as I know I am.
Times when I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears and filling my mind with the misery that I've buried myself in.
I call that misery my inner devil and to my dismay, it doesn't look like it's going back to hell any time soon.
The misery that's been eating up my brain from since that day that I lost him.
The day two lives were taken out of this world, All because I was a curious teenager who had nothing better to do than pressure someone into doing my bidding's.
The guilt, eating me up and consuming my fragile body, the small cocoon that I've built and wrapped myself in was nothing compared to the harsh stares and pointing fingers that I've faced through out those three years.
All because....
I was a curious and excited teenager a sixteen year old who could have spent that hour completing her assignments.
But instead...
That sixteen year old wanted to have a fun time with the person she adored the most in this world.
Because of her foolishness.
Two lives were taken that day.
The one she adored the most.
And an innocent life, a life that hasn't seen the world for what it really is.
Sometimes I think that it was best for that precious life to be taken, why you ask?
Because the world isn't what they'd expected it to be.
It's a cold harsh oval ready to swallow you in its dark pit and consume your body until you beg to leave and you beg for mercy.
But no Matter how many times I beg.
I'm still trapped.
I'm still swallowed.
This is what I call.
My harsh reality.
"Get down here and fix me some breakfast!" The loud voice boomed from downstairs. I rolled my eyes and hopped off the bed, stumbling down the stairs I stalked into the kitchen and stared at the man I currently called my father.
He's sick, I love him yet I hate him and it takes everything in me not to break down and cry because my world is tumbling day by day.
Year by year.
I pulled out a tray of eggs from the fridge and a pack of bacon along with some sliced bread.
I quickly made his breakfast and sauntered into the family room where he sat on the lazy boy with a beer can in his hands.
The smell of alcohol and nicotine immediately filled my nostrils and filled me up with its intoxicating scent. I fought hard not to gag as I approached him slowly.
"Here you go." Before I could utter another word the plate was harshly flung out of my hands and flew across the room. The next thing I knew there was a hand snaked around my neck, pressed into my skin as if he wanted to literally take the life out of me.
I grabbed his hand and tried prying it off my neck but that was no use what so ever. "You little bitch, how many times have I told you that I don't eat bacon?"
I flickered my eyes shut and took in a sharp intake of breath as his cigarette and alcohol stench enveloped my face.
"Go to your room and don't come out till I say so you home wrecker!" He hissed as he released his hands from my neck, shoving me backwards.
I tumbled over the chair and bit back the lump forming in my throat, I rounded the chair and quickly made my way up the stairs.
Shutting the door behind me, I quickly made my way to the bathroom where I knew I'd be safe from all my problems in this world.
I pulled the medicine cabinet open and found it, the thing that helps me drown out the pain to the best of my ability.
I was silently contemplating on whether or not I should actually do something that could partly ruin me.
But in the end I always try picking the best.
Still....
It never goes as planned.