There are a few things you need to know before you read this.
The first one and far more important than any of the others is that you never fully know a person. You can live with someone for an odd amount of years and they can still be living a secret life on the side, hiding a huge amount of secrets, or having a different identity.
The second is that nothing is ever what it appears to be. No matter what, there is always more than what you know.
The third is you can never fully trust someone. No matter who it is or for how long you know them, they will always have something to hide.
Now onto the telling of the events that led me to stand in front of two headstones. One is my best friend, well my only friend ever really Hailey Conrad, and the other of the love of my life. Her older brother Gavin Conrad.
I wish I could say that this story is all lovey and fairytale-esque, unfortunately, it's not. Those don't happen in real life. In reality, you are afraid, and when you finally find someone who you think will be there for you, life takes everything from you, leaving you on the cold hard ground wondering how the hell it all happened.
See, life for me has never been easy. My father died in the war in Afghanistan, and my mother was never the same again. More like a shell.
I was only eight when it happened but I remember how the two men dressed in Marine blues showed up at the house carrying a flag and his dog tags.
My mother fell apart right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Following his death, everything changed.
I was no longer allowed to go to sleepovers, everyone looked at me with sympathy, and spoke to me like I was slow.
I would overhear the teachers talking about me, only to smile at me as I passed them in the halls.
That was what my life was for the next three years. Until my mother decided to move us out of state, cross country actually, from San Diego, California to Pennsylvania.
We then lived with my aunt, her younger sister, for a few short months before moving out to a house of our own.
I was, of course, a preteen by that time, and starting a new school. That's where I met Hailey.
Meeting her for the first time was like a runaway freight train mixed with a supernova, you know? It was a chaotic and life-changing experience.
It happened when a boy from our class began making fun of me for wearing glasses and how my hair was styled that day. If you wear braids, don't, mine was yanked so hard I flew off my seat.
Anyway, back to the story, that day Trevor decided he would yank it so hard that I flew off the plastic chair, and tried to keep my glasses like some sort of prize.
As I lay there on the ground, with my temple bleeding from where I hit the ground, and my scalp burning, I heard a brawl happening from somewhere above me.
When I opened my eyes, Hailey was standing protectively in front of me, and her brother Gavin was being held back by his friends.
As soon as Trevor ran, they let him go, and Gavin came to help me to my feet.
He was adamant about driving me home, and Hailey would take no for an answer, so I let them.
They walked me to the door and explained what happened, and my mother, while she was pissed that this happened she was glad they brought me home. It was there we discovered that they lived down the street.
After they offered to take me to and from school, my mother, being so thankful, actually allowed it.
Hailey and I became close friends soon after that.
All through the rest of middle school, and high school, we were like two peas in a pod.
Even getting an apartment that we shared, with the help of Hailey's parents.
Both of us made it into Penn State U.
It was great.
I got to explore the world of academia. And Hailey? Well, she chose to party… and that's the situation that wound us to where we are at this very moment.
Me standing in front of her grave, and Gavin's grave.
Of course, other things happened but that was poor choices and planning on my part. Still, I'm not going to lie and say it was all my fault because I don't control the idiocy that others have inside them.
That's all on them.
I don't delude myself to think that I am perfect, in fact, I'm quite the opposite. If anything these six months have shown is that mistakes can be made by trusting the wrong person.
Unfortunate, really it is, but it happens. It's a part of life.
Still, I could help but blame myself for some of the things that went down. Or how they went down.
As my mind went back to that first a few months ago, all I could think was, 'Why didn't I see it before?' Or 'why didn't I just go with her that night?' But all this regret is for naught, see you can't change the past, even if you're dying too. It's simply not possible.
***
The day had started off relatively repetitive, I was unable to ditch the menial tasks that grew into a routine.
I wake up listening to Asia, or other songs alike, on my mp3 player, get out of bed, and do my morning workout to get the blood flowing then proceed to go on my morning run.
When I get back, I head straight to the shower, before changing into the dark green shirt I have to wear to my job at the cafe and a pair of jeans. Since I have a morning shift today, and classes in the afternoon.
Once I was dressed, I headed into the kitchen to make breakfast, Hailey was barely getting out of bed and heading to the shower half asleep.
I frowned, wondering why she wasn't in class before shaking my head and continuing to prepare my breakfast.
I heard as she made her way to her room, slamming the drawers as she looked for something to wear. Honestly, she has a walk-in closet and a lot of clothes, how does she not know what to wear?
I don't say anything before digging in, already feeling like I'm in a rush as I get up, take my plate to the sink to rinse my dishes and place them in the dishwasher.
"Alina? Hey, do you have to work today?" She asked me as I made my way to grab my jacket and book bag.
I nod, as I wrap the scarf around my neck and turn to look at her, frowning as she stands there in her favorite beige, chiffon, floral mini skirt. She has on a simple white t-shirt and a jean jacket. She'd be the picture of perfection, if she wasn't wearing my raggedy old Chuck Taylor's.
"Why are you wearing my sneakers again?" I asked her, amused.
She sighed, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice, I sort of ripped my sneakers and can't replace them until tomorrow when I get my paycheck. You don't mind, do you?" She asks.
I shake my head, "Of course not, though they sort of ruin the outfit and the image you're going for." I teased.
She rolls her eyes, flipping her curled golden hair over her shoulder and turning to go into the kitchen. "Oh please, there is no image. This is me." She says with yet another eye roll.
She's the exact image of her mother, while her father and brother have dark jet-black hair to go with the family's signature green eyes. She has golden, honey-blonde hair and is five-six in stature.
I stare at her for a moment, briefly wondering how she and I ended up as friends, and then I remember the incident in school back in the day.
"Do you need a ride to your work?" She asked as she poured coffee into a travel tumbler.
I nodded, "Yes, please, I may not make it to the bus stop." I told her.
She nods as she finishes preparing her coffee, taking a bag of crackers as she moves, grabbing her bag off the couch as she does. "Let's go." She says.
We silently make our way down the hall, and into the elevator. An obnoxious vibrating fills the small confined space, which she blatantly ignores.
I don't ask her who it is, or why she looks so annoyed because she will either snap at me or cry, I don't have the time or energy to deal with her mood swings this morning.
The drive to the coffee shop is awkward and tense, she realizes this too because she immediately plays the song Bye, Bye, Bye.
"So, I'll see you back at the apartment later?" She asks.
I frown, "I have classes this afternoon. So, I probably won't be home until tonight, why?" I ask her as she parks in front of the coffee shop.
"Oh, of course. I completely forgot it's Thursday. God, I'm such a ditz sometimes." She said with a laugh.
I shake my head, "It's probably all the partying you've been doing. Maybe you should stay in with me this weekend, and relax…" I suggested.
She immediately shook her head, "No, come on, Alina. Live a little, I mean, we're only going to live and be young once. Why waste it being such a bore?" She asked.
I flinched, and turned away, reaching for the door handle and pulling it towards me. "Do whatever you want, just remember not to bring anyone home because we have midterms next week and I've got a lot of studying to do," I told her as I got out.
"Aw, come on, Al, don't get mad." She remarks, with a smile.
I shook my head at her, "Not mad. I already know the type of person I am, so that's not an insult." I replied before grabbing my things and closing the door.
She looked at me with a pout, "I'm sorry. I promise after tomorrow I will stay home, and study with you." She said.
I sighed, "You don't need to do that. Just make sure you don't fail your midterms." I told her before stepping back and tapping the roof.
I watched her speed away in the direction of our campus before heading inside. Andrew, the shift manager, is standing in the back of the cash register, ringing up an order as I walk in.
He looks at me as I go to the back, drop my things in the locker and tie the black apron around my waist.
"One cap, one mocha, and one espresso. The mocha is a double shot." He tells me as he begins to take more orders.
I nod in response before getting to work.
The rest of the shift becomes a blur as the crowd of the morning rush comes in and out.
When my shift ends, Andrew and I clean the kitchen meticulously before parting ways.
I barely make it to my afternoon classes on time. I spent the rest of the day concerned about Hailey's behavior, wondering what could be wrong with her. When one of my professors asked me a question and I neglected to answer, I was then assigned to look up the meaning of said topic, and give a full explanation as to why it is important.
I officially hated my life…
***
Later in the evening, Hailey walked in, practically skipping as she went to her room, changed the shoes into a pair of tan ballet shoes, adding her favorite ring to her right hand.
I happened to be sitting at the table studying as she skipped out of her room and stopped right across from me.
"Where are you headed now?" I asked with a raised brow.
"There's a party that's happening tonight. A guy from one of my classes invited me, he said I could bring a friend." She chanted.
I shook my head, immediately, "No thanks, I have to catch up on a few classes, and study too. I really can't." I told her amused.
She sighed, "I'll get you out of that shell one day soon, Alina Rae Bradford." She grumbled. "For now, I guess I'll have to go party by myself. I'll see ya later." She said, leaning over and kissing my cheek before she walked out the door.
***
That was the last time I saw her alive. To this day I wonder what would have happened if I had decided to go with her instead of staying at the apartment that night.
The question haunts me, day and night. Even in my nightmares, I can't rid myself of them or the haunting images of these last few months. It's my cross to bear, and I shall bear it silently.