I can't really tell why I'm here or why I choose to be here but somehow I find peace of mind whenever I'm here, no one will look for me or care to know where I am because I'm an unimportant being. Don't ask me the reason or why I said so because that's how I actually feel. Being surrounded by woods always makes me find my inner peace, it aleast helps shun the outside world from me. That way I can only drown in my own thoughts and ponder on the question that kept lingering on my mind "who am I?"
As a kid of 8 years old, pale white skin and hazel tiny set of eyes, straight nose and small lips including my ears that somewhat looked like that of a bunny and also I'm kinda chubby that's why I'm often made fun of by kids of my age. Hi, let me introduce myself, I know you must be wondering who I am. I go by the name Hwang Ho-Jin, actually the woman who took me in as her child gave me that name cause she came from the Hwang clan and I also heard people from the hwang clan are brave and are warriors so she adopted that name for me since I don't know who I am or where I came from, the clan I came from. I don't know who my mother is or who my father is, I can't really tell if I have uncles and aunts, grandmother and father. I can't possibly say who I truly am but one thing I know is that I love the Hwang and for the Ho-Jin, I also love it.
I can't really tell if I have foster parents out there since the woman who took me in passed on, I haven't witnessed anyone coming to claim me as his or hers. You probably be wondering how I got here, I myself can't tell that either. From the rumors I heard in the village, they said I was abandoned in the bush as a baby and ever since then no one has come to claim me. Okay you must wondering how I survived as a baby, actually someone really took care of me, she's the grandma who took me in but lost her family in a war, I don't really know all the details but she told me before she passed on.
She was the only one who saw me as a being, other saw me as a strange being, I mean I don't do strange things but for some odd reason people distance themselves from me, parents doesn't allow their kids near me. You would think I incurred a disease but that's not the case, they just don't like me. One thing I learnt while growing up under her care is that no matter how the world sees or treats you badly, you should never hate yourself. And also being alone has also taught me that no one matters except you. Be your own god. When she passed on, I was terribly hurt cause I have no one else, she thought me how to be loved and how to love as well. I really miss her, if I could get a wish come through, that will be to bring her back to life.
𝐹𝑙𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘𝑠
"Grandma, grandma, I caught a fish," I held out the fish on the stake in my hand at her. She was in the kitchen preparing three dishes at the same time, Hotteok ( Sweet syrup pancakes), Tteokbokki ( spicy rice cake) and Sundubu-Jjigae ( soft tofu stew). I always admired her strength, even at old age, she was still strong like a woman in her early twenties. I always wondered where she got her strength from then I remember that she came from the hwang clan who are known for strength and bravery. I showed off my milk broken teeth as I hold out the fish at her. She looked up to meet my eyes but her the expression on her face was unreadable, I wonder if she's happy I caught a fish or annoyed I went off without telling her.
"I warned you never to go fishing by yourself?" Her voice held no emotions in it and the look on her face….I have never witnessed her look at me with that look on her face. "What if something happened to you out there? Listen you still a little child, you're barely six years old and you know already how to catch a fish?"
I smiled as the look in her eyes grow warmer, I dropped the fish with the stake on a basket and goes over to her. I circled my arms around her, side hugging her. "Grandma, don't worry, I'm a kid but this kid can take care of himself, look I caught a fish by ownself without any adult's help."
"Tell me, how and where did you learn how to fish?" She turns to look at me.
"I always watch the fishermen whenever I go to the river, how they cast their nets or hooks to catch a fish so I basically learned by watching." I showed off my teeth to her again.
"Next time, never leave my side without telling me, got it?" I nodded and smiled. "Well I'm not gonna let your hand work go to waste, I'm going to fry this fish for you."
"We can both feed on it, grandma." She gave me one of her brightest smiles, the smile I love seeing, the smile I won't get tired of seeing. She went back to preparing the dishes.
𝐹𝑙𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘𝑠 𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠
How much I missed her, I missed her a lot. I wished fate would have granted her more life. I missed her cooking, her laugh, her jokes even the way she worried about me, I missed those memories. I said no one will worry about where I am but when she was still alive, she would worry and she knew either I'm at the riverbanks or in the woods. These two places are my favorite spots. I don't know why but I love gazing at the waters or breeze of the woods, they always have their ways of calming me down.
A wooden ball rolled where I laid, I was so occupied with my thoughts that I couldn't see where the ball came from but from the corner of my eyes, I knew that was a ball. I sat up and searched with my eyes to see where the ball came from, there I saw a little girl of a year old, eyes glinting like the stars in the night sky. I could see the way she was giggling and dashed to get the ball. She made a move to get the ball but suddenly stopped on her tracks when she saw me, a girl of her age shouldn't possibly dislike me too. I mean what does she know but I'm certain she was afraid not because of people see me as a freak but because she was afraid I won't let her through to get her ball. I smiled, I got to move to the direction of the ball but something about the ball was strange.
A ball doesn't move, does it? But this one is moving. The little girl giggled the more at what was happening and dashed towards the ball but I stopped her as we both watched with amazement at the way the colors of the ball were changing and how it was transforming rapidly into a creature. Yes what was the name? I was sure grandma showed me lot of animals and told me their names before passing on. She told me the animal that changes colors or form constantly was a chameleon. We watched the ball transform totally into a chameleon including the stripes on its body. As if the chameleon noticed how shocked we were, looked at us for a brief moment before scurrying away.
Okay grandma told me this kind of animals exist but never have I witnessed its transformation. The little girl in my arms wanted to go after it before I stopped her, what if that animal is dangerous? And stopping her led to her creating a scene. She threw herself on the ground and cried her eyes out for stopping her, all my efforts to console her were abortive.
A stone landed on my head, I looked up to see where the stone came from and the little girl stood up from the ground and ran to where some kids of my age stood and I know that's definitely where the stone came from. I rubbed the part of my head where the stone had landed.
"What did you do to my sister?" The big kid yells at me. There were four boys and a girl including the little girl I saved a while ago from that creature. I watched as the big kid folded his knuckles and swift his head from side to side as he walks towards me. The anger in his eyes showing he will break me into half for making his sister cry.
"Bunny ears, I ask again what did you do to my sister?" He moves closer to me, closing the gap between us. His eyes never leaving mine. Yes they gave me the bunny ears because of my ears and no matter how much I rile up in anger at that name, grandma always tell me to just ignore them. Grandma told me despite how one looks, it doesn't define that person. What define a person is the heart inside us.
"You should thank me for saving your little sister from a dangerous creature," I retorts boldly. Grandma always tell me to walk out if they bully me but it's high time I stood up to them. For goodness sake, I'm human not some awful creature.
"Hey guys, bunny ears talked back at me," he turns to the group with a devious smirk on his face, the other laughed. He turned back to look at me again. "The only dangerous creature I see here is you" His eyebrows were pulled together in a frown.
"Tell me what you did to my sister that made her cry, you weirdo?" he pushes me several times and I kept ignoring him. But then I retaliated when he coiled up his hand into a fist and tries to hit me but I held him. 'How dare you stop me?" He tried to wriggle his hand free but my grip was so tight that I saw a glint of fear in his once angry eyes.
I held his hand and gave him one of my murderous looks for a moment before letting go of his hand and I walked away but for some reason I noticed his fist flying towards me and I ducked, his fist coming in contact with one of the trees. I gave him a smirk and walked off.
"That's what happens to people who believes they better than anybody else." I mumbled to myself with the smile on my face. I went back into my house, the house grandma used to live with me. I curled myself on the floor and let my tears flow, if only grandma was still alive....I won't be going through this, I won't be getting bullied everyday, parents won't tell their kids to distance themselves from me.
They blamed me for being the cause of her death and because of me, some villagers refused to associate themselves with grandma. They believe I'm a bad luck but then I kept wondering how am I responsible for grandma's death and why do the villagers see me as a bad omen? If I will be treated in this manner, why did my parents who ever they are bring me to this world? Abandoning me too. My tears smeared my face as all possibilities of why I'm treated like an outcast run in my head.
In the night I had a beautiful dream, I saw grandma smiling at me, telling me that in no due time every will be fine. Her words from my dream were "Don't worry kid, I'm always here with you and don't worry about the way you are being treated, Just know you're different and always be you. People will see you when the time is right." Although I don't know what she meant by her words but I find her words comforting. Throughout the night, I felt grandma presence with me.