Gulping in quick, jerky breaths, I tried desperately to move my hands but it remained unmoving by my sides. My heartbeat accelerated, my eyes roamed the room in search of a way to relieve myself. I tried to suck in more air, hoping it would calm me down.
What was wrong with the air in this room? It's not the air, it's your sorry self.
The air felt stale, almost warm. No matter how many times I sucked it in, my body screamed for more oxygen. I tried moving my arms again and when it moved, relief gushed through me. I managed to push myself up, resting my head on the headboard.
Davon came in then, a smile on his face, "A girlfriend wouldn't be bad at this point. Your parents give off relationship goal vibes."
I watched him closely. I adjusted as he moved towards my bed.
"Everyone thinks they need love but they don't most times, all they need is peace and if they're lucky to find it in someone, good for them."
He smiled first then laughed, "You can't tell me you don't want a boyfriend or that you don't get horny."
It was my turn to laugh. Thankfully, the voices were a little quiet, as though they were patiently waiting to attack me at the next turn.
"I don't know about you but it's celibacy for life." I finally declare. I had only mulled over it but now I was certain that I didn't want all the nonsense that came with relationships.
"You can't be serious!" He yelled and turned to face me fully, his legs crossed.
"If you can't deal with it don't start it. It's very simple."
I rub my face then, hoping that I hadn't drooled in my sleep. I rubbed my eyes and sighed, just dried tears.
"I guess you're right but wanting a little more isn't a crime." He said weakly, as if he has lost all hope.
I stretched my arms out and he let his head rest on my legs. I laughed as I gently rubbed his head.
I got off the bed and made my way shakily to the bathroom, supporting myself along the walls. Advice that you cannot follow. The voice mocked.
The other voice was always almost silent, sometimes I imagined it balled up in a corner, unable to handle the mess my mind had become.
I brushed my teeth, staring a little too long at them in the mirror like I always do. I was appreciative of my dentition, it was well lined and with a little help it was white, not celebrity white but it was white.
I rinsed my face. Hah, you can't wash away that melanin now can you? It teased me again. At almost every turn, there was always a stupid remark.
"You don't get to do that. Don't bring up memories." I spit angrily, glaring at my reflection in the mirror.
"I love my skin. I wouldn't exchange it for anything."
It shrieked with laughter and I almost collapsed in grief. Suddenly, it was silent again.
Sometimes I just want to push you out. The other, more peaceful, less violent voice said. No reply. At this point, it felt as though the characters, Shia and Maddie were waging war inside her head as they had done in that cage.
With the way it had ended, I wasn't sure there was hope for me, not even the smallest bit.
Where was God when I needed him.