How I wish I was like her, it's been two years since that day. I know it's bad thing to be jealous, but I can't avoid just because she's having fun when I'm upset every time I see her leaving with his friends. They even love to stay nor having have fun in our house, sometimes. I also thought she has a few friends, but surprisingly they were so many—a different kind of faces.
I just found out that when she celebrated her birthday at the house—well our is huge so all of us will fit—she had a lot of friends. All her friends have been invited, and I have found out that many of them are not from here. I was even more envious of it as well. I want to socialize with them, too, but I don't think they 'd acknowledge me as their friend like what Althea did—her friend, she just rolled her eyes on me as I approached her.
I'm offended by that.
"Hi!" I approached her again and she did the same thing.
I just want a friend because I don't even have one. I know how to socialize, but I was led by ashamed and even worse because of these. Why hard could it be to talk to me? I really want to talk to her.
"I was trying my best," I murmur.
Instead of doing what I had just done, I just left and went to my room. Just now, I'm alone with no friends and unattended. I hear their laughter, they're having fun, but why am I so emotional? My sister's birthday is meant to be part of our celebration, but here I am again locking myself.
It's painful to think that... it's like she had everything, she could do anything she wants, unlike me... even I'm not saying any word, I can't do it anymore because they wouldn't allow me to.
And that's unfair for my part.
I spend a little more time before I abruptly decided to go downstairs. She might think that I'm locking up on his own birthday, which would be true. Went downstairs out of mind, saw them having a great and happy time as they don't feel any of my presence. I want to join them but I stopped myself because I don't wanna feel being ignored again.
It hurts when someone ignore you.
Sadly, I looked at them, they were fun to watch and I could really see the glee on their faces. I just let them go, and then I went to the kitchen, and now I want to obtrude my resentment, I want to let it out.
Aling Rosa approached me when she saw me sitting on the stool. "Why are you here? Why are you not having fun with them?" she even pointed out them.
I pouted at her. "They didn't even notice my presence... it's like I'm just an air to them." I answered emotionally.
She sighed. "Maybe because they're too shy?" she said. "Why don't you directly ask them about it?" she even suggested it.
"One of them—I approached her earlier but she just rolled her eyes on me and I reiterated it once again, but she ignored me for the second time." my voice sounds like complaining.
I felt jealous.
She sat down on the next stool. "Is there a problem?" she touched my back, then caressed it. "You can always talk to me, Stacia."
I looked at her. "I felt jealous." I honestly said.
That's how I really felt, I felt the envy of her all my life until I wish I was just her. Right now, even though it's not her, even just to Aling Rosa. Well, you know, every time I see her I can't refuse myself from feeling jealous on her, then there would be a sudden sadness. I wish... I wish I could, I wish I'm like her.
She can do whatever she want to.
She can always go somewhere.
She can always have fun with her friends.
While me, being locked in this huge house.
"I'll tell you something." she said then she sat properly. "I used to be like you before, are you jealous of her? I was also with my sister, too, do you know why? Because she was getting the stuffs I didn't get when we were young. That's where I felt insecure, and I wasn't very close to her because every time I saw her, I felt jealous." I was just listening to her. "Till we got older , and that is when I thought it was wrong to be jealous, particularly to my own sister, I'm older than her, so from the end I've learned not to be envious. I've learned to accept and acknowledge it, even though it was difficult—because that's what I need, to understood everything between us." she plastered a smile on her face. "Don't ever be jealous of your older sister, you know it still hasn't been given to you so far, maybe this not the right time for you. Try to understand everything. I know you will understand the terms of it, you're old enough to grasp everything."
I gave her a wry smile, didn't know how to answer nor respond to her.
"Thank you." I just only said.
She knows how to understand people, maybe because she's old that's why its easy for her to comprehend everything. I'm old enough, too, but I didn't know how exactly to understood everything that's going on me.
"I know what you've feel."
"I just couldn't..." I deeply sighed.
"You want Chinese Porridge?" she suddenly asked, changing the topic.
There is that feeling again when someone just simply spoke my favorite food, those negative feelings was replaced by happiness.
'You know how to make me happy' I said in my mind refers to the food.
Food is really my weakness everytime I felt upset. I just only need to eat my favorite food, especially the Chinese Porridge.
That would made my day.
I spend my day—her birthday, eating my Chinese Porridge which Aling Rosa made especially for me. I didn't get along with them, I did it once and I don't want to repeat it again, as I said earlier, I just get over it and ignored it. I just enjoy my Chinese Porridge in the kitchen, alone.
"Why didn't you join the party yesterday?" my sister asked in the afternoon.
It was afternoon when she woke up as they finished late last night, actually, it was near morning. And I can't believe that they've reached morning in their happy celebration. It seems they're not running out of energy yesterday. Thankfully there are no house near us, but if there is, I'm sure they would be embarrassed on how noisy they are.
We're at the living room right now, I'm watching a variety show on TV, so does she.
"Just because." I pressed my lips in between.
Before speaking, she yawned. "Just because?" then, she rub her eye.
"Nothing." I reasoned out.
"They're all nice, so you're not going to have a hard time making them as your friends, if you just want." she suggested.
'No, they aren't.' I said but I didn't voice it out, she might get angry because of it.
I didn't say more to, I just focused my attention in the variety show that I was watching, it was funny but I didn't even get laugh at them. It's kinda bored? I just don't really feel the joy in them, it's kinda fake, though.
On my peripheral vision, I saw her stood up. "I need to go, we have something important to do." she said before walking away.
"You're just making me feel envious."