Forever.
I remember watching those girl friendship cartoons on television.
Bratx
Vinx
Meow Meow Power
I remember longing for friends I could huddle around with one day. Wear matching colors or different colors of the same outfit.
But...
"She's cute y'know but she's sorta weird." I once overheard the guys in my class talking.
"She's nice but like, she never says anything."
"When I talk to her I feel as if I'm talking to a wall." The girls would say.
For the first time, when I met an acquaintance girl who was crying, I remember just staring.
If it were me, I wouldn't want people to stare at me. I wouldn't even cry in public. That's embarrassing.
If I ask if she's okay would I annoy her? That'd make me annoyed. I would just want to be left alone.
"..."
In the end, I said nothing.
When her friend entered the room, she rushed over and asked her what was wrong and why she was crying.
Ah, so that's the natural response...
The things that are invasive to me aren't to others.
It's just a normal thing. It wasn't just that once that I failed to bond with others. Even though I spoke and got along with them it was just surface level. A barrier they couldn't pass.
I... unconsciously created a wall between myself and others a long time ago because I already knew there was something wrong with me.
I wanted friends but I didn't want to let anyone in.
Maybe because I thought this was all a dream, I let Kagami worm his way up that wall. We'd eye each other there from a distance for the longest time, I had failed to realize this worm was actually a megasized titan plush doll. Always peeping over at me and occasionally bombing me with packets of sugar. Little did I know the bombing was actually super effective. When I'm with him I feel like life is sunny and sweet.
So that's what it is...
To think my first real friend would be a boy.
We couldn't share friendship bracelets or cute necklaces, I couldn't go shopping with him and dare him to buy sexy underwear... actually, can't I do those things?
I... shouldn't limit myself unless he doesn't want to.
That's right, I could send him cute stuff... but I would need his address, how would I send him stuff if he's traveling?
"Amara?"
I reluctantly hugged him back. I was a bad hugger.
My relatives always complained that I didn't know how to hug with love. As if that was a thing. A hug was a hug. For now, he would have to take it.
". . ." It was so awkward, I stopped.
"Oh come on. That didn't even last ten seconds!"
It was hard not to get frustrated, those ten seconds were like one hundred for me. "You want me to hug you for ten seconds?!" That was too much!
"It has to be at least twenty-five seconds, at least half a minute."
The hell?
"Why?!"
"Fine, if you're not comfortable..."
I hugged him tightly with pursed lips. I probably shouldn't have. The second we parted the air felt...Weird.
His eyes were sparkling and I wanted it to stop.
"Is it possible to get your address from where you're staying?" I asked hoping to distract him from whatever foolishness he was thinking.
"Why?"
I stared at him.
He understood before I could clarify. "Ah, I meant e-mail."
But I wanted to send you stuff! Oh well... I'll have to postpone that idea.
"I mean... you could still come to see me... how about, I look into it for you?"
I had already moved on from the idea as I walked on ahead. "Do what you want."
"What's with that attitude all of a sudden?!"
"What attitude?"
"So cold!"