With Claire, Aunt, Uncle, and their entourage gone... I could finally breathe again.
Once I used to envy Claire.
She had been good at learning languages since young due to her parents' different backgrounds, smart, obnoxiously confident. Even if Aunt had been a mistress, at least her husband doted on her... even though I'm sure Claire and her mom were ostracized by his family and she clashed with her cousins a lot... I don't think I'd be able to handle that and smile like she does as if nothing is wrong. Where does that strength come from? What inspires her to persist so?
Mom's Dad... doted on Aunt too after Divorcing Grandma (Mom's mom was the first wife but she died of cancer long before I was born. The Grandma I know is Grandpa's second wife), even though he ended up cheating again on her, creating my uncles, she oddly didn't divorce him.
Droplets of love, perhaps if a child is watered that hope and positivity sets them up to tackle life? Is that it?
To look at someone and tell they had been loved since the moment they were born.
To look at someone and tell they were suns;
To look at someone and tell that talent was only birthed due to their unseen hard work:
I'm dying from inferiority.
Claire acted like she was naturally a genius, but I know she studies her ass off when no one is looking, no matter how privileged she acts in front of me I know she's scared of being forgotten. Her cousins are all super smart too. No matter how much her Dad spends time with her he got married to someone that's not Aunt. The moment his wife has a child that attention will shift.
Kagami doesn't realize he's naturally a genius even though he worked so hard. I want to give him confidence, but I don't even possess it myself. He's glowing now that he's in his element, and I... I was so worried about him when I should have been worried about myself and my own future too, I feel like a hypocrite, I set the stage for him to grow but if I'm getting left behind that just makes me feel... lousy. Like a fool.
I still don't know Mom's purpose in inviting them over... its not like she got to show off Step Father-san, just the house. What if they get the assumption that she's a mistress like Aunt?
...Aunt wouldn't be in a place to judge her but it still made me uncomfortable.
I deeply sighed.
I found a cat on the way home from work going through the dumpster.
As soon as it laid eyes on me, it froze.
I fished out some dried fish my manager shoved in my pockets on my way out today and tossed it. The cat ran over.
I watched it eat, and it watched me watch it.
For some reason, I felt a sense of kinship. It didn't seem comfortable in my presence so I let it be.
Maybe that's why a week later when I recognized a familiar bump in the road... on my walk from home...
My heart sunk.
I went home to get a shovel and a leftover box and buried it in our backyard.
I clasped my hands and prayed.
"Hope you find heaven, Muro."
It was a name I came up with on the spot. Muro. Sometimes words for characters popped up in my mind that I don't know the meaning of. But it always fits. The subconscious is a scary thing.
After filling in the grave, I spaced out and just sat there in the backyard on the grass staring vacantly at the sky. A poem fluttered to mind.
The sky, the one thing that did not change.
But even in Japan, it's still the same.
Nothing comes to mind.
How should I live my life?
The hand I held to the sky enveloped the clouds.
Ah, one of them looks like a plush doll...
Kagami... how's he doing? These days I've seen less and less of him, I've been holding back from even texting him so as not to be a nuisance.
I didn't think we'd be here for that long.
I've gone and grown attached.
Honestly, It's been bugging me.
Clashing with Kagami made me realize that. The fact he seemed to be taking interest in my affairs now meant I had been here too long. Gotten too close. There was no telling whenever this bounce house dream would collapse in on its self so I felt on edge. When would it happen? What will we do? Where will we go?
I don't want to go back to Texas...
I needed to distance myself for now to prepare myself.
I got up and patted the grass off my butt.
Step-Father-san doesn't come home much, maybe that's why everything's still at peace here. That's why we haven't left yet. When will he come back?
The thought of this stranger randomly appearing unnerved me.
What if he expected me to call him Dad?
A heavy sigh escaped me again.
The pile of dirt was bothering me. So after making a quick trip to the flower store, I bought some hydrangea seeds. Planted them, watered the mound, and left.
Sorry, I couldn't be there for you, Muro.
I hope you can find happiness in heaven.