Like everyone, I am not the same person always. There are different versions of me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being fake around people. I feel like I'm putting on a show. But I'm never pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm never lying about who I am or saying things that I don't believe. But the thing that is so baffling to me is that every time I'm with a different person or group of people, it feels like I'm a different person. I always feel like there's several different versions of me. I don't understand why, and I resent it often because I feel like some kind of hypocrite or poser if I'm silly with one person and then more serious around someone else. It took me a long time to comprehend the fact that I'm not being fake, I'm just being me, in several different ways.
It's tempting to try to narrow myself down into a few simple words or sentences. Maybe I'm funny and lighthearted and easygoing. Maybe I'm deep and thoughtful and shy. Maybe I'm sensitive and empathetic and sophisticated. Maybe I'm quiet and withdrawn, but witty at the same time. It sounds simple enough, but what happens when I'm around a certain person or group of people that bring out other traits within me? What happens when I'm in a situation that causes me to react differently than I normally would? Am I fake? Affected? Insincere?
Sometimes this makes me feel weird. I feet stressed out or anxious if I'm not the center of attention, cracking jokes and making people laugh and showing them instantly, in that moment, exactly who I am. There's a worse version of me. I am someone who always looks at the past and cries about opportunities I did not use. I am scared about this version of me. I have realised that I never want to be this version. It makes me pity myself and never proves to be useful. But I can appreciate this for what it is – the experience that helps me understand that I'm not a character in a short story that you can sum up in a sentence. Just like every other person out there, I have a lot of different sections, a lot of different tendencies, a lot of different versions of me. I can be the loud and funny one in front of my family. I can still be silly and funny with my friends, but also allow myself to just sit back and be a sort of observer who can appreciate what's happening around me. I can be vulnerable and open and calm with you. I can be curious and earnest with the people around me. The list goes on.
Just because I'm usually the sensitive, empathetic one with one person, it doesn't mean I can't also be sensitive and empathetic with another who usually expects me to be upbeat and tough and ambitious. The various versions of me combined with the various people I know and situations I'm in is infinite. And it doesn't mean I'm acting insincere. I'm just a multifaceted person with a lot of layers, experiences and feelings that make me behave differently in different circumstances. This chapter then begs the question - to you, can you love these versions of me?
( to read ahead, simply head over to my patron page: https://www.patreon.com/join/laziertranslations?)