Chapter 7
Harry leaned against the doorframe of the classroom, watching as Peeves sawed half an inch off one leg of every table and chair in the room. Folding his arms across his chest, he waited politely to be noticed by the poltergeist.
Five minutes later, he gave in and rolled his eyes, clearing his throat quietly.
Peeves looked up, a wide grin splitting his face to a frankly disturbing degree.
"Well, if it isn't Potty wee Potter!" He cackled. "Damaging all this furniture! I should call Filthy Filch on you, yes I should!" He flipped upside down, giggling to himself.
Harry smiled slightly, shifting his weight to stand upright and saunter into the room, idly trailing a finger across the top of a nearby desk and examining the fingertip for dust.
"You could, but then you wouldn't find out about the present I have for you."
There was a moment of silence, before Peeves flipped right way up again and flew closer. Pausing when his face was uncomfortably close to Harry's, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"A present for Peevsie, you say? And what would a little Snake like you be wanting to give a wee ghostie like me?"
Smiling angelically, Harry pressed a button on his cuff and pulled out a rifle that sported a few extra attachments that looked like they held non-standard ammunition.
"Tell me, Peeves. Have you ever heard of paintball?"
Albert was disturbed from his rest when a small hand gently lifted him from his shelf. Opening his eyes, he couldn't see anyone in front of him, though he was clearly being held. A quick glance to the wall showed that all the portraits of the previous school heads had been turned around to face the wall, their muffled shouting revealing something about 'blasted poltergeists'. Amused, he waited until he was placed on an invisible head.
"Well, Mr Potter, I'm impressed. I did say within the week, and here you are!"
"Indeed I am," Harry replied mentally, checking to make sure his invisibility charm was still intact. The Phoenix was absent, fortunately. A magical creature like the fire bird wouldn't be fooled in the slightest by the charm.
"Did you bring me books?" Albert asked eagerly, his brim rippling around Harry's skull in his excitement.
"I did. Do you have information for me?"
The Hat hummed thoughtfully for a moment.
"The Headmaster was most displeased to discover the ward monitor tied to your former home was faulty and didn't alert him to the ward collapse when you left. It wasn't, of course, it was merely tampered with." If he had hands, he would have been rubbing them together in glee. "Now, what books do you have for me?"
Harry snorted.
"You can do better than that. Who tampered with the monitor? Do you know why? Are you aware of any current plans he has regarding me?"
Albert sighed, settling a little.
"I believe it was Fawkes who interfered with the monitor. As for why, I'd imagine it's because he considers himself something akin to a guardian or parent to you. No idea why, so don't bother asking me; if you want to know you'll need to ask him. In regards to plans, I know Albus is looking into your legal guardian, and will almost certainly try to regain control of you from them. I also know that he has plans to test you this year, though I don't know why, specifically. He's hidden something in the school, and wants you to go after it, probably at great personal risk. Can I have my books now?" He drooped, practically whining.
Nodding, Harry withdrew a package of books from his cuff and unshrank them.
"Thank you. I'll be back in a week or two to switch them out for you. Any suggestions for getting around the portraits? I don't think using Peeves will work a second time."
Albert scoffed.
"And deprive myself of entertainment as you try to get around them? Figure it out on your own!"
Stifling an audible growl, Harry pulled the hat off his head and placed the books he'd brought inside it, placing it back on the shelf. He was careful to arrange it in the exact same position he'd removed it from, then cast a quick glance around for anything else his presence might have disturbed. Seeing nothing, he slipped to the door, opening it and slithered out and down the stairs, reengaging the wards as he went.
Heading out of the castle so he could make a quick trip home, he pondered the information he'd been given. The news that Dumbledore was going to try to find out more about his guardian was expected, as was the item placed in the school to test him. He smirked, sighing in satisfaction. Given the other little bits of information he already had from Flamel, his own deductions, and the discovery of the Horcrux in his head, it was fairly easy to see why the Headmaster was unwilling to let him go to a new guardian. It also went some way towards explaining why the Dursleys were selected as guardians; Dumbledore clearly thought the Dark Lord was going to return and had started placing his chess pieces in preparation.
It was a good strategy, really. An abused boy rescued into a world of wonder by a benevolent grandfather figure, facing challenges to prove his worth and provide a little training in life and death situations and you have the perfect tool to martyr themselves to take out the Dark Lord. If the tool survives, then you have the perfect political mouthpiece that would just brim with loyalty and the right degree of humility. Pity that Harry had completely different plans.
Placing a hand on Warthogs head as she materialised next to him, he transported them both to Potter Manor.
"That's it?" Harry asked as Shot and Marcel stepped back from the infirmary bed he was lying on. He sat up and looked down at his bare chest, admiring the new additions to his sternum. The jewel like constructs reflected a wet looking shimmer as they caught the light, but not so brightly as to be garish.
"Almost," Marcel murmured, wand twitching in the air around the boy's ribs. "I just need to double check that they aren't irritating the skin or dragging on it now that you're sitting up. After that, we just need to charm them so that nobody will notice them. Well, except for people who already know that they're there. You should be able to go shirtless without anyone batting an eyelid when I'm done."
Harry nodded, rolling his shoulders and moving a little to make sure the implants didn't pull or drag.
"They feel fine," he finally declared. "I can't even really feel them, and the setting doesn't hurt at all. There's a little weight there, but nothing that I won't forget about in an hour."
Marcel smiled, tucking his wand away in his sleeve.
"Excellent. Then we're all done here! The Hounds already have theirs implanted; it was just you and Warthog that we were waiting on. I imagine that Sergei and Alex will want to include them in your training, so make sure you allow time for that occasionally."
Harry nodded and stood, giving a final stretch. Glancing at his watch, he was pleased to see he would still have enough time to play with Connor before heading back to the castle.
"You sick, twisted little shit!" Albert was furious, launching into a tirade the moment that Harry placed it on his head.
"What's wrong, Albert? Didn't you get what you wanted?" Harry replied sweetly.
"How could you do this to me? Do you have any idea how cruel that was?" The Hat nearly sobbed. "The complete works of Sherlock Holmes, with every other page and the final chapter ripped from each book?! It wasn't even neatly cut! It was ripped! Sometimes only half the page was missing! And you left me like that for two weeks!"
Harry waiting for Albert to finish it's rant, a calm smile on his face.
"And what did you learn?"
"Oh, screw you! So, I put you in Slytherin instead of Ravenclaw; cry me a fucking river! Your revenge was completely disproportionate!"
The boy chuckled indulgently.
"You really are foul mouthed when you're angry. It's so cute."
Albert subsided with a snarl, sulking.
"Alright, moving on. Was my method of getting you sufficiently entertaining?" He shifted his grip on the broom he was perched on, making sure he didn't drop the wooden pole he had resting across his lap.
"I suppose," came the grudging response. "How did you make sure the portraits didn't notice?"
"A strong Notice-Me-Not on the pole and hook. A friend of mine knocked it up so that anything I touch with the hook at the end will have the charm extend to cover it. I have a separate one on myself and the broom, over the top of the strongest invisibility and stealth charms I know."
"So you literally just used a broom to get outside the office and then stuck a pole through the window and lifted me out?"
"Yep," Harry confirmed cheerfully. "It's convenient that the window is always open so Fawkes can come and go. Of course, it's warded so nobody else can get in, but as long as no part of my own body crosses the window sill it won't trip the alarm. Luckily for me the wards don't recognise you as a living being."
"Huh," the hat paused. "I'm grudgingly impressed. Could the same method be used to plant items with a listening charm in there?"
Harry shook his head. "No, that would trip the wards. I think the only reason you don't is because nobody thought you'd agree to spy, and most people have too much respect for such a well-known artefact of the Founders to try to steal you. Anyway, to the point of this little excursion. Do you have anything for me?"
"Eh, not much." The hat rippled uneasily. "Albus has put some nasty traps in on the third floor corridor with the help of the other Professors, supposedly to protect the item he put there, but I have my doubts about how effective they are. I could name at least eight first years who could get past them, let alone the other years. I know you wouldn't even be slowed by them. Possibly the only thing that would give you trouble would be the troll."
Harry blinked in surprise.
"There's a troll in the castle? Is it properly secured?"
Albert snorted disparagingly. "Not hardly. Albus had to disable some of the wards to get it in, and a few more for the Cerberus. If either one got free then they wouldn't even be able to locate it in the castle or lock down the section it's in to stop it moving!"
"I see. I know what he's 'guarding', and I'm pretty sure that these so called protections are just a test for me, and the item is bait for whatever remains mobile of that failure of a Dark Lord I allegedly dispatched."
The hat gave a feeling of agreement.
"Will you do something about the creatures in the castle? Hogwarts would be grateful to you if you did. She would consider it a personal favour."
The hovering boy frowned in confusion.
"What do you mean 'she would consider it a personal favour'?"
Albert chuckled.
"Hogwarts is sentient, after a fashion. I speak for her, since she lacks the necessary equipment to do so herself."
"Interesting. I'll do it, but it might take me a while. I need to make sure I'm properly prepared for something of that level."
"Oh, of course! She just asks that you do it as quickly as possible, and if the worst happens and they get loose, that you do your best to protect the students and get them clear."
"I can do that," Harry agreed. A quiet beep from his watch let him know that his time was up, and he pulled a new package of books from his cuff. "Ok, punishment's over. This is the complete Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes." Lifting the hat from his head, he slid the bundle inside and caught the violently ejected 'edited' version. A quick vanishing spell disposed of the desecrated literature.
Hooking the hat on the end of the pole, he carefully extended it through the window and placed the Hat back on the shelf. Pulling the pole back, he tapped the shrinking rune Shot had added, and stuck it back in his cuff. Landing the broom behind some bushes, Harry removed the invisibility charms and shrunk the broom, returning it to the cuff as well before stepped out from behind the greenery and sauntering casually towards to castle for a late lunch.
He'd had to get a second cuff from Shot to fit all of the goodies he liked to keep on him at all times, and at the rate he was accumulating 'essentials', he was going to need a third sooner rather than later. Maybe he could have one made as a gauntlet so he didn't look like some sort of hippy wanker with multiple bands around his wrists?
His thoughts were brought to a crashing halt as he stepped inside the castle doors, only to have pain blossom between his eyes as his glasses broke and his nose spurted blood in a dramatic crimson shower that had the front of his white shirt stained completely in under a minute.
"Fuck!" He shouted, a hand going up to cup his injured face. Eyes watering, he did his best to look around to identify the culprit.
"Oops! Sorry wee Potty Potter!" Peeves giggled, spiralling closer. "Peevsie didn't see you there!"
Harry took a few deep breaths through his mouth, trying to regain control of his temper.
"Peeves," he growled. "Did you just shoot me in the face with a paintball?"
For the first time since the poltergeist's manifestation in the school, the students of Hogwarts were treated to the sight of Peeves fleeing from a first year, all the while howling about how the mean boy had stolen his balls.