Chapter 72 Moving Forward
It was well past lunch by the time Harry and Severus flooed from the Hospital Wing to their own rooms, neither of them wanting to walk through the halls and risk running in to any of the other students. Harry was tired of being stared at, tired of answering questions, and Severus couldn't blame him at all. To top all that, both of them were bloodstained - Harry had gotten a great deal of blood on his own clothes when he'd rushed to Severus' aid. And certainly Severus' clothing had seen better days.
Harry made tea, while Severus went to clean up first in the shower. He knew the boy was unsettled, and probably wanted to talk to him further. Truth was they had so much to talk about that Severus hadn't a clue where to start. He understood now why Harry had done what he'd done with Malfoy, but it didn't change the fact that he was still worried about what Lucius Malfoy might do if he had any access at all to Harry. Harry might trust the Paths of Destiny - but Severus did not.
Once he was cleaned and dressed in his usual black teaching robes, he let Harry have the bathroom to clean up himself. While waiting, Severus ordered some lunch from the overeager Dobby who seemed to second guess their needs before he asked. The lunch was waiting on the coffee table practically before he was finished ordering.
Severus fished the notebook Aventine had given him out of the inner pocket of his ruined robe, along with the shrunken scrolls he'd retrieved from the Guild. He was relieved that none of them were damaged - he'd completely forgotten about them while he'd been dueling. He thumbed through the notebook briefly, recognizing the unreadable squiggles lining the pages from Slytherin's diaries. The handwriting was different, but the characters were the same - all of it completely indecipherable. He couldn't help but wonder when Harry would find time to translate this - he barely had time these days to go class. And yet he knew the boy would make time - he had promised the Vampire aid, and he wasn't the type of person to break such a promise. With a sigh, Severus set the book and the notes aside for later.
Hungry from the exercise he'd gotten that morning, Severus sat tiredly on the couch and started in on the sandwiches Dobby had delivered, wincing slightly when his leg twinged in pain. Poppy had healed his wounds, but it would be several days before the tenderness vanished. His mind flicked briefly over the duels he'd fought - Clovis had been the hardest of all of them, though they had all been challenging. And he had to admit that Black had done a good job despite the fact that he doubted the man had fought any sort of duel since prior to his imprisonment. Much as he hated to admit it, Lupin's supposedly accidental manipulation of the shields protecting the spectators had been hilarious. Merlin knew he'd been on the receiving end of the Marauders' pranks often enough - it was nice to finally benefit from them.
He couldn't help but replay the moment Harry intervened over in his mind - the young man's power was frightening at times, particularly when it got away from him the way it did. Oddly enough however he suspected that Harry's intervention might end up causing him more problems in the long run - no doubt by morning the world would know exactly what Harry Potter felt about anyone challenging his bondmate to a duel. Rather than risk his wrath again, he suspected they'd just send assassins next time. He should have been more careful, he supposed - but he honestly hadn't expected to be challenged so soon or so openly.
Taking a second sandwich he glanced up as Harry emerged from their bedroom. Dressed once again in his school robe, the boy sat down across from him and grabbed a sandwich for himself. They ate in silence for a few moments, and Severus took careful note of how little the young man ate. Apparently the stress of the day had robbed him of his appetite.
Harry looked pensive and was gazing hard at the chicken sandwich in his hands as if it held the secrets of the universe. Severus couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind - he almost laughed at the thought. There was so much - the attack of the Elder Demon, finding himself declared King, the Calling, the events at the Ministry - was it any wonder the boy looked so lost in thought?
He moved his gaze over Harry's face, noting the faint shadows beneath the thoughtful green eyes, and the way Harry chewed nervously on his bottom lip. He found his gaze lingering overly long on that bottom lip, struck with the sudden urge to soothe it with his own lips.
Instead he moved his gaze to the boy's hands - Harry was slowing shredding his sandwich, tearing the crust from the bread, piece by piece. But despite the nervous gesture, Severus was relieved to note that his hands were not shaking, showing no signs of the possible nerve damage the Elder Demon had caused him. He hoped Harry was not still being bothered by the memory - even faded as it would be now it was still horrific. What new nightmares might be waiting for him?
His gaze swept over Harry's face again, noting the paleness of the handsome features he'd grown so fond of, and the way his untamed hair framed his face. It wasn't right for someone so young to look so stressed, and he wished he knew what to say to him. He had no idea what was going through Harry's thoughts - what sort of heavy emotions might be churning in his heart. He searched around frantically for some words that might breach the distance between them and start the conversation they needed to have - or at least one of the conversations. He supposed they should probably talk about the Dark Mark on his arm and what had happened the other night. Or perhaps it would be better to begin with-
"Is it because we haven't consummated our marriage?" Harry asked suddenly, catching Severus completely off guard and throwing his own thoughts into chaos.
Severus stared at him for a moment, his mind trying to catch up - had they started a conversation without him knowing about it? He set down his half eaten sandwich afraid he'd choke on it if Harry was going to persist in asking question like that. "What?" he asked for clarification.
A faint flush suffused Harry's skin. "Those men who attacked you - the duelers. Is it because our marriage isn't valid? Does everyone know, or do they just suspect? Would they still have challenged you if it was valid?"
Oh, dear Merlin! Severus stared at Harry, torn by how to answer such a question. That's what he was thinking about? Out of all the things that should be going through his head he was worried about the damned duels?
And then a purely Slytherin thought struck him, causing his body to react with a sudden swell of arousal. It would be so easy - so easy!- to just say yes. He could almost predict exactly what Harry would do with that knowledge - offer himself up as a virgin sacrifice. The Gryffindor in him would not be able to do anything else. And in all fairness, didn't Severus deserve some compensation for the insanity he'd been through? It wasn't asking too much - was it? Bloody hell - Harry might as well have offered food to a starving man.
"No," Severus finally said, mentally kicking himself as he fought to tamp down on his arousal. He hated being noble! Hated it! "They decided to bypass the issue entirely and just kill me. If I'm dead it doesn't matter if the marriage is valid or not."
Harry stared at him for a long moment, his eyes unreadable. "Why did you hesitate?" he asked, setting his sandwich back down on his plate.
"What?"
"When you answered, just now, you hesitated. Why? If that's not the reason, why did you hesitate?"
Severus stared at him in shock - he didn't believe him? He thought he was lying to spare . . .what? His virtue?
"I hesitated, Harry, because deep down no matter how noble I pretend to be, I'm still a Slytherin at heart and it's almost impossible for me not to take advantage of a situation when you leave me an opening like that!"
Harry's eyes widened at his outburst. "Take advantage?" he repeated in confusion.
Severus glared at him - he couldn't possibly misunderstand his meaning, could he? And then he saw Harry's pale cheeks darken with color as Severus' words finally sank in.
"Oh," Harry exclaimed. "You want to have sex with me."
Severus let out a sigh of exasperation. He wished he had some clear idea what Harry thought of such things - but understanding Gryffindors had never been his specialty. As it was he was fairly certain that there were a number of misconceptions floating around in Harry's mind. "Whatever gave you that impression?" he asked sarcastically, resorting to a familiar defense - mockery.
But far from reacting with the predictable flush of anger, Harry just stared intently at him. "And what happens when I turn seventeen?"
The question threw Severus for a loop again - why were conversations with Gryffindors so damned hard to follow? What could Harry's age possibly have to do with the reason Severus had been challenged to those duels?
"I image all your little friends will throw you a birthday party," he exclaimed. "What do think will happen?"
"Don't you want an annulment?" Harry asked.
His words hit Severus like a shock of cold water. "An annulment?" Severus hissed, fury roaring to life in his heart at even being asked such a question. He tried to calm himself - Harry couldn't really understand what he was saying after all. He understood so little about their culture - no doubt he'd been assured by some well-meaning friend that an annulment was perfectly acceptable, harmless even. Never mind the shame it would bring down upon Severus and his family name - to be set aside as unsuitable, to be publicly declared unfit or incapable of bonding. Certainly an annulment would be perfectly legal - and no doubt Harry's reputation would not suffer for such a thing. But Severus would not be so fortunate - it would destroy his good name. Had he been so poor a spouse that he would wish that upon him? "Where did you get an idea like that!"
Harry shook his head in confusion. "I don't know. . .things you've said, things Hermione said-"
"I don't discuss my private life with Hermione Granger!" Severus snarled. "And I certainly have never brought the subject up! Why would you think that?" He violently shoved the coffee table out of his way as he stood, intent on reaching Harry, feeling an uncontrollably need to shake some sense into him.
Harry leaped to his feet, alarm flashing through his eyes as he backed away from him. And yet despite his obvious fear, the young man pointed his finger at him accusingly anyway. "You said. . . you said. . .I don't remember what you said! But you didn't want to have sex because of an annulment!"
Didn't want to have sex? Severus felt his teeth grinding together - that at least was one misconception he could clear up. Advancing on him with slow deliberate steps, Severus glared. "I would have taken you that first night if I'd thought you'd be up for it," he told him.
Harry's eyes widened in disbelief. "You didn't even like me then!" he protested, still backing away, moving toward the center of the room as if afraid of being trapped against a wall.
"Doesn't change the fact that you're a very attractive young man," Severus growled, enjoying the look of outrage on the young man's face. Harry looked incensed by the idea. He felt a grim twist of satisfaction at that.
"You'd have sex with someone you don't like just because they're attractive?" Harry demanded.
"I've had sex for a lot less reason than that - believe me!" Severus told him, only vaguely regretting the flinch he saw at those words. He knew the Gryffindor didn't like to hear such things spoken of in such a casual, unfeeling manner - but he was so enraged at the moment he didn't care. "Is this what you've been planning - wait until you turn seventeen and then annul our marriage, toss it aside like some worthless responsibility that we're both better off rid of? Maybe I've been too indulgent with you. Is this your backwards way of telling me that this is what you want?"
"I never said-" Harry protested.
"You never say what you mean!" Severus shouted at him. "If you want out of this marriage you tell me, you tell me right now! Fudge is out of office, he's in jail! The threat from him is gone! So you tell me what you want!"
Harry was staring at him in disbelief, his eyes wide with shock, vaguely glassy looking as Severus demanded a response. And then the boy did the most unGryffindor-like thing he'd ever seen him do - he turned tail and ran toward the door.
Panic and rage flooded Severus at the thought that Harry was leaving for good; he wasn't about to let him get away. He leaped after him, grabbing hold of his arm and pulling him back, spinning him around. He didn't even think as he hooked a leg behind Harry's legs and swept his feet out from underneath him, bearing him down to the ground. "I won't let you go!" he shouted at him as he pinned Harry's hands to the ground, above his head.
He kissed the young man, stealing his breath as he captured his lips, forcing his tongue inside his mouth, forcing him to respond. When Harry struggled and tried to move away, he pinned him down with the full force of his weight, roughly shoving his legs apart by thrusting one of his own between them. At that point Harry's struggles only brought their hips into perfect alignment, and he ground down against him, seeking some relief from months and months of sexual frustration.
He heard the muffled exclamation of shock from Harry as that blissful fire overtook him, and he devoured the young man's mouth. The heat of Harry's body beneath his own was perfect - so damned perfect, the taste of his mouth pure heaven. And he could feel the churning energies of Harry's magic swirling around him, rising up to embrace him, consuming him. He wanted him so badly, so desperately - he'd never let him go, never let him leave him.
Harry moaned, and Severus moved against him again, wanting to hear more sounds like that, letting a friction build between them. He felt his own magic rising to answer the call that Harry's magic was sending out, desperate to merge and meet it - he'd never had a lover he'd even been temped to join his magic with. He wanted this, needed this - Harry could understand that - he wouldn't fight him, not really. He'd give in, he'd accept Severus - he should have accepted him long ago. He cared - he knew he cared! And so what if if the heavy coils of silver that kept the Dark Mark contained were heating up!
Severus wanted to roar in rage at the reminder of the hold the Dark Lord held over him - he didn't know how the Mark would react to a bond! He still didn't know if it would hurt Harry! He couldn't risk this - but he didn't want to stop!
But the presence of the Mark brought back another memory and he realized in a moment of cold terror that he'd been in this exact same position the other night. He'd held Harry pinned to the ground and had tried to force himself on him - tried to rape him!
He stiffened and drew back, staring down at Harry in horror. The young man beneath him was breathing hard, his lips swollen, his eyes passion glazed - and it was obvious, painfully obvious, that he was aroused. But Severus could also see the look of fear in those green eyes - he knew Harry was remembering the same thing, remembering the same moment. There might be no blood staining the floor this time - but the similarities were too close to be ignored. It was also obvious that Harry didn't know what to do, trapped in shocked indecision which left him shaking and terrified.
Severus cursed himself in silence - were they doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again - one step forward, two steps back! Was he such a horrible human being that he could do nothing right by this young man who'd somehow become the center of his universe? Did he have to destroy everything good in his life?
Not this time, he told himself. Not this time!
He let his body sag against Harry's, burying his face against the young man's neck, breathing hard as he tried to overcome the demons raging inside him. The young man held himself completely still, taut with tension.
"It's alright, Harry," he whispered softly, soothingly, pressing his lips gently against the pale skin just below Harry's left ear. The body beneath his shuddered at the sensation. "It's alright. You know I won't hurt you."
Very slowly he released the pressure on Harry's wrists, carefully easing his hands away and releasing his arms. Instead he moved one hand to Harry's head, gently carding his fingers through his hair as he continued to whisper comforting words to him, soothing him. He kissed the pale skin of Harry's neck again, repeatedly, moving his lips feather-light along his jaw, tasting his skin briefly as he spoke simply because he could not help himself. Beneath him he could feel Harry's pounding heart beginning to slow, the panic ebbing as Severus continued the soft strokes of his hair. He knew Harry liked his voice and he used it to his advantage, murmuring to him in low deep tones, as if trying to calm a wild animal.
With each word he uttered, each gentle kiss, he felt some of the tension in Harry's body slowly melting away. When he felt tentative hands touch his back, he almost sobbed in relief. Against all odds Harry had lifted his arms and cautiously embraced him. He kissed the young man's cheek. "You know I'd never hurt you, Harry, don't you?" he asked, willing him to answer. The wait was agonizing.
"Yes," Harry said after a moment, his voice shaking.
Severus drew back so that he could stare down into those confused green eyes once again. The scar on Harry's forehead stood out in stark contrast to the flush in the young man's face. "You know you're magically stronger than me," he reminded the young man. "You could lift me off you and fling me across the room with a thought."
Something dark and painful moved within those green eyes. "I don't want to hurt you," Harry admitted, looking torn by the thought.
Severus mentally cursed himself - the boy was literally incapable of fighting back against anyone he cared about. It was one of the reasons why the Dursleys had been capable of hurting him so deeply all those years - he couldn't bringing himself to fight back, even though he knew he was stronger than all of them. Severus never wanted to put him in a situation again where he felt torn between his own well being and stopping someone he cared about from hurting him. Because he knew the boy cared - had for a long time now. He didn't know if he loved him - maybe he would never be worthy of such feeling - but Harry considered him family.
"Then we have that in common, Harry," Severus told him, hoping he could salvage this moment. The fact that Harry had not pushed him away was encouraging.
Leaning down, he kissed Harry lightly on the lips, heard the soft gasp of surprise even as Harry's hands tightened against his back. But he was not pushed away. He kissed him again, catching the young man's bottom lip between his teeth and sucking gently on it, before moving away from his mouth to nibble a soft line along the young man's jaw. He heard Harry's breath catch in his throat, but still he did not struggle or attempt to push him away, his hands splayed against Severus' back.
Severus ran his fingers down the side of the young man's face, stroking his skin, and this time when he gently titled Harry's face toward him, he accepted his kiss. When he ran his tongue along the seam of Harry's mouth, the young man parted his lips and allowed him inside, tentatively stroking his own tongue against his, hesitant at first and then with more enthusiasm as the moments passed.
Severus kissed him slowly, and deeply, languidly tasting his mouth, feeling drugged by the sweet heat building between them. But he kept his body completely still - focusing Harry's entire attention on the kisses alone, never allowing it to go any further than that. When he felt Harry's fingers tentatively touch his hair before threading through his black locks he wanted to crow in delight, his heart swelling with joy.
Eventually he had to stop, had to pull away before he became too carried away once again - he still didn't know what to do about the Dark Mark. He also knew he couldn't simply go back to the hands-off relationship he'd had with his bondmate all these months.
"Can we start over, Harry?" he asked softly, watching the young man's face for any sign of what he was feeling. Harry's green eyes were strangely peaceful for the first time in months.
He saw confusion flit across Harry's sharp features. "Start over? The conversation?" he asked.
Severus shook his head - if he had his way they would never repeat this conversation. "Our relationship," he clarified.
The confusion just mounted. "I don't understand?"
Severus searched his mind for a good way to begin this. "Will you go out with me?" he asked - he was fairly certain he had never asked anyone such a question. Slytherins as a general rule did not date - they had sex together, they occasionally arranged opportunities in which they were seen together if it was mutually advantageous, but they didn't simply date.
"On a date?" Harry looked even more confused. "We're already married."
"I know that," Severus nodded. "But we don't seem to be managing the romance part very well."
"Romance?" Harry's eyes widened in wonder at that as he searched his face. Once again Severus wanted to kick himself - Harry could accept the fact that he wanted to have sex with him, but seemed amazed that he might have any romantic feelings for him. Had he really managed to screw things up that badly that Harry thought he had no feelings beyond lust for him? The regret he suppressed earlier about his callous words regarding his reasons for having sex in the past reared up tenfold. He should not have said such a thing even in jest - Gryffindors didn't understand such things.
"You want-" Harry began again as if trying to clarify Severus' question.
Severus touched his lips with his finger, silencing him for a moment. Merlin, the boy was beautiful! With his flushed cheeks, and his red swollen lips, and those haunting eyes framed with dark lashes - how was he to keep his hands to himself?
"Forget about what I want, forget about what I said earlier. I'm asking you out on a date. I know we can't leave Hogwarts, but I can cook dinner for you. We can spend the evening talking to one another, I can teach you to dance - without swords this time. We can go for a walk in the moonlight. I can kiss you goodnight when it's over." He was fairly certain that all those things satisfied a Gryffindor's concept of a date - at least he hoped it did. Otherwise he was completely out of ideas.
"But we sleep in the same bed already," Harry reminded him - as if he needed reminding. Severus understood what he was asking however. In Harry's mind any idea of intimacy with Severus felt like an all or nothing deal - and Harry wasn't ready for that yet.
"I'll figure something out," he promised. "Just tell me if you'll try? Tell me if you'll go out with me?"
He could still see confusion in Harry's eyes, along with a fair bit of wonder. But the one thing Gryffindors were all brilliant at doing was taking a leap of faith - even when everything told them not to. The young man nodded hesitantly and smiled. "Okay," he said simply.
Smirking in triumph - he'd gotten something right at last - Severus couldn't resist leaning down to steal another quick kiss from that mouth. Then he climbed to his feet, pulling Harry with him - hard to believe he'd had one of his most potentially life-altering conversations while lying on the floor. He knew they both had to get going - he had to go see what sort of damage Charlie Weasley had done to his classroom, and Harry had his own classes to go to - but he wanted to make certain everything was settled first.
"This Friday night then?" he asked. If they didn't agree on a time for this proverbial date to take place, it might never happen.
Harry nodded again, though he was staring at Severus oddly. "Severus, you don't do walks in the moonlight."
"I'll have you know I walk in the moonlight all the time," Severus informed him, affecting a look of indignation. "Granted it's mostly to hand out detentions but it still counts."
Harry smiled at that, but he was still studying Severus intently. "You'd do this for me?" he asked softly.
Severus smiled sadly at him, knowing what it was the young man was truly asking - knowing all the things he was not capable of asking. Life with the Dursleys had taught Harry that he wasn't worth the effort - any effort at all. Sadly, Severus knew the feeling all too well. "Harry, I'd die for you," he told him honestly. "I'm doing this for me."
Those green eyes glowed with warmth, and for the first time, of his own free will, without any coercion or pressure from outside forces, Harry stepped forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. He lingered briefly, eyes closed, breath warm against Severus' face as if he was memorizing the sensation.
"Have a good day, Severus," he said at last, before backing away and slipping through the door.
Severus raised his hand to his lips, his entire body trembling in reaction. So this is what love felt like.