He couldn't stop it. He bit his lips to stop the scream, and that was all he could do. If he could be grateful for anything in his life, it would be the sound of bathroom door click. Pain wracked through him. Searing, mind-numbing pain. He gripped his wand with all his might. A warm piece of wood his only connection to reality.
Lucius's words cut him. Carved him up from inside. The air is like ice. With each breath, his chest constricted. Led-made fist gripped his throat and squeezed with inhuman strength. Even if he bit down the screams, he would sell what's left of his soul for tears. His eyes were dry. They burn and prickled, full of cactus needles, but they stayed dry.
The worst of all… he could hurt Lucius. Not only him. He could have brought entire wing of the Manor down. Lucius's words sounded cruel. But no matter how cruel, they ringed with the truth. Lucius never lied to him, he may omit but he never told an open lie in his face. The fact only deepened his agony.
She was not only his life. She was the reason. For years, everything he did, he did because of her. He would never even consider joining the Dark Lord ranks. Not if he didn't want to prove himself... if he didn't need the recognition. Recognition and good job, money and status. Those were the thing he could offer to her. After she turned her back on him, they were all that left. And still, if he managed to fight his way to the top… she might have changed her mind. He sold his life to Albus for her, to save her. Albus used him and failed him. Her death sealed his fate. He stayed alive to save her kid. Twenty-odd years. Twenty, blood-sweating, years.
He had no choice. Not anymore. No matter the truth. He had to believe. She was his lifeline. The only reason to force this shell he was to move. Empty space, where his heart once was, pumped pain into his veins.
If he allows himself to believe in Lucius's words, even for a second… then, his entire life was... misspent. All his life squandered for nothing. If he let his brothers words to be true… what did that say about his ability to judge character? Why then he suffered through all? If that was true, then death is a blessing for him.
Faint taste of copper tickling down his tongue. He bit harder. No amount of physical pain can compete with what he feels now. He is so tired. Tired of lies. Tired of truth. Tired of life. And all he desires is to end.
~ S ~ S ~ S ~
She paces around the bathroom. Her heart beating a tattoo against her chest. Should she go in the room? Should she at least try? But how? How to console someone whose heart was just ripped off, while still beating? And, didn't she spend weeks crying, because of Ron? How painful was for her to admit that Ron does not love her, at least not honestly?
She came to the door and glanced through the keyhole. He still didn't move. Misty came and cleaned the rubble a while ago, but that was the only motion in the room.
What was puzzling the most is not the revelation of what Malfoy said. It was her own reaction to the words. Her brain trying to work out a solution, whom to ask? Someone had to know the truth, but who would be willing to tell? Maybe Poppy? People always had a habit not to speak ill of the dead. Not even to think ill of the dead. In that regard, Snape was the most honest person she met. He didn't change his mind about someone because that someone was dead.
She almost squealed and took her wand, conjuring Patronus. It was still the blob, she thought that only for a second her blob started to take shape. She shook her head
'Wishful thinking, Hermione.'
She sent a message and sat on the ground, waiting for a reply. Hoping that the one person she could think off was willing to shed some light on the subject. And she hoped that whatever she finds out, Harry never will. Knock on the door snapped her from her thoughts. Draco's head poked through the door
"Mother is expecting you in her parlour, Granger."
"Thank you." She whispered. She has no strength to be impolite or snappy to Draco. She will never see him as a friend, but at the moment she is grateful that he is here. "Please, take care of him." She added in quiet, soft voice
Draco looked at her like she lost her mind, but only nodded. She practically runs to the door and knocks on them, before entering the parlour. Narcissa is sitting in her usual spot.
"Thank you for answering my plea, Mrs Malfoy."
"You are welcome. Now, how can I help you?"
"Do you… have you… met Lilly? Harry's mum?"
"I did. She was younger, Severus's age. We didn't have much of a contact."
"But, you did notice her. Right? You know about her?"
"Within the bounds of our limited contact, yes. Why would you want to know about her? I do not think that your friend would accept any knowledge about her... that comes from Malfoy, or a Slytherin for that matter."
"No! It is not about Harry. Gods, I hope Harry never finds out… if… if it's true." She gulped "You… know what happened…?"
"It is hard not to notice or know if one blows up a part of your home."
"Was he telling the truth?"
"Who?"
"Malfoy, your husband? Was he telling the truth or merely provoking Severus?"
"Lucius isn't insane, Miss Granger. He wouldn't provoke Severus with that. You give Lucius far less credit than he deserves."
"I… you know this already, but I don't have a good opinion about your husband. However, even I can see that cares about Severus. And as much as it pains me to say… I agree with some things he said. But for now, I need to know. Please."
"Very well. What I know about Lily Potter nee Evans isn't much. But the girl did do her best to get on everyone's good side. In the first year, she was shy. By the second year, she was one of the smart but popular girls in her dorm. Even then, she did try to put some distance between her and Severus. Delicately, mind you, she didn't push him off. He never noticed that. He was… infatuated with her. You might say obsessed. Which is no big surprise if you consider where he's coming from. Or what his life looked like and how everyone looked at him in his own house."
"In Slytherin? I thought…"
"Miss Granger, he was half-blood. The one coming from Manchester slums. His mother disgraced and disowned. He bears Muggle last name. All that in time when the Dark Lord was in his prime."
"Right."
"He wasn't bullied. We never bully our own. But he wasn't supported much either. He had to claw his way among the student ranks. To prove himself more than others. He was not entitled. Even with Lucius's protection, which he had from the first day." Narcissa sighed "And he was friend with Muggleborn. In that time – that was a serious crime. To be open about liking Muggleborns or Gryffindor's for that matter."
"I guess so."
"Do not draw the conclusions. Not all Slytherin's hated Muggleborns or gave a damn about blood purity. But they were smart enough to hide it. He was… shy but stubborn. Always strong in what he believes. She on the other hand… was not. I can't tell you what happened after I left school. But by the time I did, it was obvious that she made up her mind – he was to follow her idea or to be gone. By that time he was the only black spot she had. She didn't condone the bullying. But, she was very adept at… turning a blind eye to what was going on."
"I see."
"They were in the third year when I was seventh. After that, I only knew gossips. But Regulus did talk about his brother speaking not in a… polite manner… about her. He told us that she wasn't above flirting if that would score her points. She was modest, but as you know, modesty can be a powerful weapon." Smiled Narcissa "That is all I know. Now then, I won't even ask how do you know what Lucius said."
"Yes, well…I…" it never occurred to her that in asking Narcissa, she tipped her hand
"Do not worry, Miss Granger, my lips are sealed. As I told you before, female magic is different than male one. Not weaker but different, more subtle and cunning. And not all of it is magic." The words she spoke were soft, accompanied by wiry smile
"Thank you."
"You are welcome. Go now. Take good care of him. He will need it in days to come."
She nodded once more. Her head spinning. It wasn't much, but it was something. The pain she felt for him wasn't pitying. Somewhere under the peak of her ribcage, it coiled into a hot ball of anger. Anger at fate, at destiny so cruel. It wasn't fair. When did the so-called 'good side' turn to be not so good? Why did such obvious villains turn to be the ones you could respect if not like? She was aware of the fact that being noble, wasn't a house trait. But she wondered, how many more noble ones they overlooked, based on house allegiances.
~ S ~ S ~ S ~
The crowds are cheering, but his insides are crunching. Something is wrong, he can tell. It is not something at which he can point his finger, but he can feel it. It tingled his skin in an unpleasant way. Then he felt it! At first, it was mild sting then flash of white pain. It feels like his left arm is on fire. He leans to Albus.
"My mark is burning."
"Are you sure."
"It is rather an unforgettable sensation." He hissed wanting to smash Albus on his head "What do you want me to do?"
"Wait. I'll need you."
He nods and pulls back. Cold sweat trickled down his back. The pain intensifies, lasts for a minute or two more and then stops. Dark Lord will punish him. When Albus finally sends him, he will be lucky if he gets out of the meeting with his life. He glances around the crowds and spots Igor, he looks almost frantic. He smirked.
'Wrong choice.' He thinks bitterly.
Time ticks away and he is getting restless. What is going on? Nothing good. Potter returns and everything explodes. He glances at Albus and rushes to Igor, grabbing him by the sleeve.
"You still have time. Don't do it."
"No, no. I'm going into hiding." Igor shakes his head and rushes off. Albus calls him and he rushes to fell into step behind Albus…
…It is late. Idiots! All of them! He scribbled the note and steps out of the castle. One sharp whistle and Hades swoops in. He pins the note to his leg.
"Find him, and if he demands – wait for a reply. Find the Dark Lord."
Watching Hades flying away, his breath hitches. Fear. He didn't feel it for years. He should be inside, doing… anything but standing in the same spot. But… he can't. Finally, three long hours later Hades lands on the ground in front of him with a disgruntled squawk.
"Any messages?"
Hades ruffled his feather and gave him an annoyed glance before he outstretched his leg. Crouching to untie the note he asks
"Did he hurt you?"
Hades puffed his feathers and flew off without a backward glance. Holding breath he unrolls the note and casts Lumos. The note is short
'I am waiting.'
The fear made him shiver for a second. He takes a deep breath and starts walking toward the school gates. Once he was at apparition point he presses his wand on the mark. Short sting and he is pulled into the tight squeeze of the apparition.
The Manor he is in is unfamiliar. After all those years… and still, the place is unfamiliar. Dark Lord stepped out of the shadow and his breath hitched for a split second. Once beautiful face now is only disfigured, inhuman mask. The eyes, however, are the same. He does not wait but falls to his knees. It is one of those life or death situations, and he has to do his best to survive.
"My Lord."
"You are late Severus. How… disappointing."
"Yes my Lord. I am guilty of not answering the call right away."
"And what is your excuse, Severus?"
"I have none, my Lord. Dumbledore demanded my presence until the last task was over. And after… Potter announced your return, my Lord."
Dark Lord's head snapped up, he noted the motion even if his eyes are on the ground.
"They didn't believe him."
"Show me."
He raised his head directing his eyes to the Dark Lord. Carefully, he pushed the memories to the front of his mind. The familiar sensation of intrusion. A headache swirls the hot needles in his temples, but he ignores them. After a while pressure and pain signal him that the Dark Lord found all that he wanted.
"Good. Very good. You prove to be useful as ever Severus. But not even you… looked for me."
"No, my Lord. I did not."
"Why? You were one of my most loyal ones, Severus. With what did I deserve your scorn."
"I followed your wishes, my Lord. Your last instruction, given to me. 'No matter what, stay at the old fool's elbow. He needs to trust you unconditionally.' And I stayed. I played my part. Even after your call came, my Lord."
"To what end?"
"I am here at his instruction, my Lord. He want's me as his spy once more."
"I am… pleased to see… that I did not lose you. You did well."
He breathed the breath of relief. He will survive. Whatever happens next, he won't die. Through, the death might be preferable before the night is over.
"However. You did ignore my call. And I do not tolerate disobedience, Severus. Not by those who forsake me, let me rot. Did not have enough in them to sense my presence, when I was so close to them."
"I… deserve any punishment my Lord deems fitting."
"Indeed you do. Indeed you do." Hisses Dark Lord and runs one cold deformed hand over his hair "I will be merciful this time. Do not disappoint me again, Severus."
"No, my Lord. I won't..." he whispered, but even if the words slip against his lips his mind prepares. There are few spells Dark Lord could use, but his favourite…
"Crucio." The words are only whispers before spell hits him. Before pain colour the back of his eyelids with bright white. Before he unlocks his jaw and let the scream out.
His eyes flew open. He hears the hiccup of a muffled cry. Closing his eye in front of an inevitable he managed to choke one, voiceless
"Bolloks"