Hermione sat from lying position and gasped for air. That was…she dug her face in the hands, crying. That was horrid. She never wanted to see her professor engaged in…such…stuf. That. Was. Not. Sex. Not by her account. She shuddered, crying loudly, almost hysterically. She does not want this, this insight.
The man on the bed stirred and she is raising her head. Panicked. No, no, no! Don't dream! Not anymore! Not ever again! She runs towards him but she cannot touch him. Pacing seems like a good option at the moment, so she paces, sobbing, glaring at her professor.
He moved again and she let small yelp before running from the room to Matron's office, shaking.
"You were right! I made a mistake! I admit I was wrong! Reverse it, please!"
"Calm yourself child and tell me what is going on?" Matron sounds stern but not mad
She flops on the chair shaking, still flustered
"I can't take it anymore…all that pain…too many…intimate…moments…the pain…I can't take it!"
"What are you babbling about?" Matron is worried now
"I have those dreams.."
"Do you wish for me to administer dreamless sleep to you?"
"Those are NOT my dreams! They are professor's memories. I can't take it anymore" her crying renews with vigour
"Oh, dear." Matron stands up and hands her Calming Draught "Just two small sips."
Later that day, Harry entered the room. She is sitting on the sofa, hugging her knees, rocking lightly, staring at the man in the bed.
"Hermione…?" Harry sounds worried. She jumps from the sofa and runs in his embrace, feeling safe and secure, he hugs her tightly "What is wrong?"
"I see them…" she whispers, her voice is eerily "His memories, like in a Pensieve but different, more intense. It is horrible… Too much pain… Everything…" she shudders, tightening her embrace, Harry's calmness is her anchor at the moment "You have no idea, Harry, what he did for your mum. To what extent he went to protect her."
"Do you think you could tell me?" Harry asks, half-reluctant, half-hopeful
She shakes her head. She could never ever tell what she saw. She can't even think about last memory little less talk about it. Harry pulls them to sit. What struck her more was not the act itself, but his emotions behind, disgust, self-punishment. The images of the last memory dance in front of her eyes, even if she does not want them to, and she curls up. They are brutal, raw, terrifying…yet, oddly seductive. She is confused. She does not feel bad about what he did to Bellatrix, and that pains her. She is not that kind of person, she cares. She mourns every single death, from either side…Except…she does not. She hopes that Dolohov is dead. She is not saddened by Bellatrix's death. She can't force herself to mourn Fenrir. So, how she can be a good person then?
"I am a bad person, Harry." She moans, tears that just dried start falling again
"Why would you say that?" Harry is panicked, worried
"He knew what he had to do and he just did it. No remorse. No false morality. He just did it. Me…I am a hypocrite!"
"No, you are not. It is ok to feel bad…"
"But I don't!" she nearly screamed "I want too, but I just can't. Not for Dolohov, I hope he died. Not for Bellatrix – I am glad that she is dead."
"Why would that make you a hypocrite?"
"If I am sorry for every lost life, even Goyle's, then why not them?"
"Dolohov nearly killed you. That crazy bitch tortured you. I am glad she is dead, in fact, I am sorry that I didn't kill her. Do you know how hard it was to listen you scream? Why would you even mourn them?"
"You don't think I am a bad person?"
"No, I do not! Do you think I am a bad person because I killed Voldemort and I am not sorry about it one bit?"
"That is different?"
"How is it different? Life is life. You are not bad."
"He tortured her. Before your mum was killed, and I don't feel bad about knowing that, I am glad that he did. What that makes me?" she shuddered
"A person."
She nods and takes one shuddery breath.
"Hermione, do you think you could tell me, not now but one day…what he did for my mum?"
"No. I shouldn't even know. It is not something he shares voluntarily. I don't think he can help it to remember…Oh, Gods! He is going to kill me!"
~ S ~ S ~ S ~
Harry is worried, very worried.
"Harry, can you stay with me? I… I need to rest, and to feel safe. Can you just stay, for a little while, please?"
"Of course." He nods and she curls up next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder
This is not Hermione he is used to. She was always one that had strength and brains, the one with the plan. The one that kept them going when they lost their will or courage or hope. This scared lost Hermione was someone he didn't know. She is breathing evenly and he hopes that she fell asleep, that is why he nearly jumped when he hears her quiet voice
"Did you managed to see Ron?"
"We talked. It is not what it used to be but a least we are on the speaking terms again. I think that Ginny had a lot to say to him before he relented." He sighs, he hates Ron at that moment "I am sorry but he is still unreasonable…"
"It is fine. I do not think he loves me, that he ever love me."
"He is, he does, it is just Ron, you know how he can get." She sighs
"No, he never did. I think…I was just…there. He needs a mother, not a girlfriend, and…I don't think I am ready to be another Molly."
"Don't talk like that Hermione."
"Knowing what I know now," he noticed that she glanced at the man on the bed "knowing that, I can tell you – he didn't and he doesn't. And…maybe true love is horrible but…I won't settle for anything less."
"And who knows how the true love looks like?"
"I do." Her eyes drifted, if only for a second, to the bed "I do." She reaffirmed next sound she made was a soft snore.
Harry had to wonder what did she know, what Snape did to shake her convictions, change her mind? This aimless, insecure, sad Hermione was making him sad. Malfoy turned on the door
"I talked with Poppy."
"And?"
"And I do not know where even to begin. The only three people I know who would be able to help…"
"If they are in Azkaban…" Harry cut him off and Malfoy glared at him
"Two of them are permanently indisposed, the third one…" he glanced at the bed and limped to it, leaning heavily on the walking stick.
"Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape? That is all?"
"First two were the masters, third one their star pupil."
"She says she can see his memories. She is so lost, shaken up. What did she could see to shook her up so much?"
"I imagine so. Being a Death Eater was no walk in the park, Mr Potter. Many of us did not enjoy what we did, well, at least not for long. Those who did are dead now, most of them anyway." Malfoy took one Snape's hand and continued "But unlike all of us, that had one master, being on side of Light or not, he had two. And I can only imagine how hard must have been to walk on that tight rope over the inconceivably deep chasm. Whatever she saw, Mr Potter, can't be happy or good."
"But you know?"
"I have no idea what Dumbledore made him do. I know to some extent what Dark Lord demanded of him." Nodded Malfoy sadly not lifting his sad eyes from Snape
"So, what are we going to do?" He asked, lost, he needed Hermione to help him, but now he was the one to help her and he didn't know how.
"Wait and hope, Mr Potter." Bitterly replied Malfoy.